Ah blargh.

It would be unexpectedly nice if I didn't feel like this was...about to be...it...the snap, the last one...


Vivid nightmares bleeding into daytime landscapes.
Blurring the edge long enough for it to slip in
and feeling it rend my heart.

So physically sick...that...did not help...things...

Twitch.

Why?

It never gets old unless you are that one.

But saying so isn't considered polite.

Words cannot describe this...rage...these feelings...this unrest...my unraveling...

I hate life and wish it was possible to will myself elsewhere...or at least dead.

Or just a bottle of aspirin.

That was a slight disappointment.

Away to band practice!!!

I feel so much like thawed out death.

Jesus...any kind of help...please?

I want to quit.

So much.

I must wonder...what am I getting myself into?

Time, Time Again

Just hearing this song...reminds me of you.
That lovely spring day.
Driving.
Feeling life is a bore
against the smell of the ocean.
Cries of gulls.
The future looming ahead,
reality knocking on the door.
Life living in full motion
while remembering every moment,
just a thought ahead
and a moment I'll hold.

"Age of Reptiles/Insects" - Showbread

I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they'll never see
They don't know something's wrong with me
And just as well, I'll never tell what's underneath the scales
I've worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
Bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I'm never coming back
And if you're mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you

Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop
Some of us may bite your hand but some of us will not
And every knee will bow before you, each forked tongue confess
My selfishness will rot in me and I will seek your rest
Still some lizards flee from you, ashamed of all they've been
So Jesus take myself from me, never bring it back again

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you

The world is full of ones like me, who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed, the truth is only you
The world will soon become extinct, the age will pass away
And all will know that you are God, hallowed be your name

Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It's true that I'm in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I'll ever need, your love has set me free

The truth is only you.

I walk the world on insect legs beneath an unforgiving sun
Eat the dirt throughout my days On the dirt and dirt I come undone
Messiah born in Bethlehem won't find me lying there
The world's too big for him to see me or hear the things I've said
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
I laughed in the keep of a man with a rose my mandibles are caked in trash
Thought you wouldn't recognize me, in the black of soot and ash
Don't turn deaf to my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice
To worship you, Oh, my soul rejoice
Take joy my King in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear

Never Words Enough

Withered lungs carry this thoughts,
as they float aloft
carried by these air streams,
poisoned by ego and selfishness.
Every last thought
in these twenty years
are marked only by blood
and the words of one
who murdered Love,
the one who carried out the death.

"Gloria" - U2

"Somewhere In The Between" - Streetlight Manifesto

Bleeding Words

It isn't as bad as some want to make it out as...and still it runs deeper than what most people can care to admit.

I'm so tired of not even knowing what it is I'm trying to do.

I wake up with a surge of pharmaceutical drugs running through my brain...causing actions and reactions...nerves being fired and others being severed. Every breath I take adds more fuel to the microscopic fire that is raging along the cellular level.

What is to come of this?

Honestly?

If the nerves can be shut down...fine...but these other effects?

I don't even know what day or the time...it all slips out and away so easily...the only vivid image is that of this caricature hat life has become. I don't know if it is as bad as it was back in college with the pill after pill of sleep aid and antidepressant...but God, here it is again and again.

I have forgotten what it really means to pray...the thoughts I give, the prayers are offer are lined with hollow words begging to be forgotten and ignored. I speak of such simple thing in such absolute terms and loose the meaning of it all. I can see looks that people give...the exasperation, the frustration and the disgust...over who and what I am...they see me so clearly, see the defined and repulsive creature I am...when I do not even see myself in any vivid form.

I see me.

That is all.

I wish I could see who I am supposed to be...where I am supposed to go...what I am...but all I see is someone who is more tired by the moment.

There is just this old familiar song I am left singing while just as confused and lost as before.

How long?
How long?
How long, to sing this song?
How long?
How long?
How long, to sing this song?

If there is a new song, is there is life worth living, breath into to me. Give me a voice to sing and words to speak. Give me strength to stand and clarity in which to deliver.

I can't take..any of this...right now.

I want to do something stupid.

Very, very stupid so I can stop these voices in my head.

When will this roller coaster ride end?

Why do I always blame myself for things outside of my control?
Why do I hate me so much and with so little care?

A fistful of pills.

Not like it would matter much anyways.

Foray Into the Sleeping Night

I don't know...how or why...just talking to people...it reminds me of how shallow I am...how much I hate this dirt I eat and the lies I vomit.

So very...sick of this...these worlds...these dreams that never end.

Screams unheard.
Violence unbegotten, just till I reach this end.
Nothing but red,
bleeding red
and gluttonous desires of
vast insecurity,
just digging deeper,
scratching wounds
and ripping deeper.
Gnawing.

I can never figure out this quandary:
Numb and dead to the world
or burning and electrical pain
just more intense by the moment.
Every action just rips deeper,
and its not like you didn't know
just that you did
and wouldn't lift a finger
to benefit one beside yourself.

Lackadaisical word play,
playing with you
and your mind
and just here we are
to never hear
but to talk,
speak and vomit every sincerity
just on cue.

Hating you is just hating myself.
I hate you.
If killing you wouldn't end me,
you would have just been another number,
another prime example of wasted human life.
But here we are,
locked into duality for now.
But one day,
you bastard self,
you will pay.
I'll be there to gloat
because I'll suffer for our crimes,
forged together.
Goodbye,
goodnight.