Bleeding Words

It isn't as bad as some want to make it out as...and still it runs deeper than what most people can care to admit.

I'm so tired of not even knowing what it is I'm trying to do.

I wake up with a surge of pharmaceutical drugs running through my brain...causing actions and reactions...nerves being fired and others being severed. Every breath I take adds more fuel to the microscopic fire that is raging along the cellular level.

What is to come of this?

Honestly?

If the nerves can be shut down...fine...but these other effects?

I don't even know what day or the time...it all slips out and away so easily...the only vivid image is that of this caricature hat life has become. I don't know if it is as bad as it was back in college with the pill after pill of sleep aid and antidepressant...but God, here it is again and again.

I have forgotten what it really means to pray...the thoughts I give, the prayers are offer are lined with hollow words begging to be forgotten and ignored. I speak of such simple thing in such absolute terms and loose the meaning of it all. I can see looks that people give...the exasperation, the frustration and the disgust...over who and what I am...they see me so clearly, see the defined and repulsive creature I am...when I do not even see myself in any vivid form.

I see me.

That is all.

I wish I could see who I am supposed to be...where I am supposed to go...what I am...but all I see is someone who is more tired by the moment.

There is just this old familiar song I am left singing while just as confused and lost as before.

How long?
How long?
How long, to sing this song?
How long?
How long?
How long, to sing this song?

If there is a new song, is there is life worth living, breath into to me. Give me a voice to sing and words to speak. Give me strength to stand and clarity in which to deliver.