Stress is building and I sort of want to give up. Could you please help me hang on and not just live but to LIVE. Move beyond my own selfish wants and just be yours. Please...

I guess some people just do not understand the concept of humans being fragile. Because of my lack of three failed marriages...I suppose I do not fully understand what it means to be taken and physically and verbally abused...but I do know after twenty-two years of dealing with the consequences of it all I just want to scream

"Fuck off and deal with your own problems! I hate all of you and I pray God kills you for all of the pain and the fear you have put in me!"

Instead, the gentle lamb tells me I am supposed to love unconditionally, like He loves me. That my hate, my fear and my anger do not bring about His love or His will.

When I take life into my own hands and begin to hate I begin to murder in my heart and people start to die to me. It may stop me from bleeding right now but it causes the calluses to grow deep like cancer and they will have to be ripped out later if I am to have any sort of love shared with others.

Please help me to bleed out this infection.
Tonight, today and every day in every way
that you let me be cut in
let me pour out this heart for you
and be transformed in only the way
that can be done by you.
The love that dies for another.
The love that cares for each other.
The sort of love you gave for me
on that dark day.

I'm guessing its because I'm so tired but right now I miss my grandmother and father so much right now.

So freaking much.

So it begins...

There is this enticement of excitement
just in the air tonight.
Hearing the subtle stirring vibrations
you whisper to me.
You intoxicate me with your promises,
Your sincere invitations.

The starkness of my own self centered lives
runs contradictions through my mind.
I stay here waxing poetically
while hoping to put off tomorrow
what could never be today.

I find my growing hypocrisy to much to bear
and I just want to let go.
Run free into your love
and live the life I've been terrified of
from the moment I realized thoughts
and the possibility of possibility.

These words have no meaning beyond what you give them,
nothing of my intent could sway your being
for one instant.
But take this for what it is worth
and make it yours
just for now,
just for the moment.
Let us pause and be who we are
in between who they think we must be.
Let us wait in anticipated glee
for we know the moment may end
just as soon as it will began.
Things will never be as we thought
they would be
but so is life and just the beginning
of every end is the start of new life.

Life Update - My Health 2.0, NANOWRIMO, Possible Internship and More!

"Life," said Marvin dolefully, "loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', Douglas Adams

Thankfully, as much as I might despair I have not been reduced to acting completely like that poor depressed robot that Mr.Adams created. All things considered life is fair. I wouldn't say it is great by any stretch of the imagination but any day where you can wake up and say "Thank God I can actually write still." is a good day.

Speaking of such, a few updates:

My Health 2.0
A few weeks ago I had another procedure done and it removed a gallstone blocking a bile duct which caused a lot of junk to fly into my system. Although I am still having abdominal pain, nausea and other weird symptoms I am attempting to press on and just not worry about things until my next schedule appointment (sometime in January).

In the long term aspect of things I have three goals I will be doing regardless of health:

1.Internship in Las Vegas
2.Seminary/Grad School
3.Nanowrimo 08

1.For now I'm not sharing many details but I've applied for a ministry internship in fabulous Las Vegas. I felt led to apply and so I did, no clue if anything will surface but we shall see.

2.I need to finish my education and get a masters and possibly a PHD. I'm currently trying to assemble a list of possible schools that hopefully will not drive me insane. I am still wanting to get my masters in theology and a doctorate in philosophy. But then again I may just go for something in English and writing, I'm not sure.


3.Ah, writing, that horrible mistress I both love and hate in the same breath. It is a give and take relationship that helps me hang on to my sanity but at the same time sometimes pushes it out an open window. I have days where I speed along and others while I limp around looking confused but at the end of the day if I can write it is a good day.

Not that writing is actually ever easy (for long periods of time at least) but it is something I can still do and feel good about doing, even when it is as hopelessly narcissistic as writing about myself. The good always, ALWAYS outweighs the bad. If I could not write I would go even more insane...which would indeed be an ironic pity because it seems like the crazier a writer gets the better their writing.

That said, a magical event begins tonight at midnight. The long awaited season of competitive month long novel writing begins. A fifty-thousand novel put to the pages in a mere thirty days. I'll be competing for the second time this year and plan on adding another chapter into the ever expanding saga of what I have lovingly dubbed the "Matt-a-verse". Like I said, narcissism.

I dashed out a few points earlier today that is serving as my outline. From what I can tell it'll be picking up sometime and somewhere from last years car crash of an epic. I'm somewhat excited and repulsed by the thought of returning to the realm of my creative thought.

All that said it should be a good time I think.

Er...I promised to have 'more' in the title of this little thing but uh...I have nothing.

SO yes something random...any musical recommendation for this years writing endeavor?

Last year I used:

"Discovery" - Daft Punk
"Somewhere in the Inbetween" - Streetlight Manifesto
"Zoo TV - Live in Sydney" - U2
Final Fantasy VII Official Soundtrack

...and a few others that I cannot readily recall. I'm planning on doing a few entires into the "Reasonably Good Music" burned cd collection but any suggestions would be grand.

I'm planning on taking the novel express tonight but I'll be keeping everyone updated as much as possible. Thanks and I'll be seeing the lot of you at the finish line in a few weeks.


www.nanowrimo.com is the place to be!

Okay, listen please.

I fully realize how absolutely silly it is for me to be THIS stressed with very few reasons but the fact of the matter is that these ARE big factors but not SO BIG I should be almost paralyzed with fear at making a decision. This should be so much easier than it is but it is not.

You know? So what? What now?

I mean my personal desire is to curl up in a ball and whimper or something...and I'm not saying that won't happen at least once or twice in the coming weeks but I would like to be a wee bit more practical in actually achieving and doing something worthwhile.

I'm just...I'm freaking out because I want to be in control. I've been saying no and trying to avoid any real decisions because I'm scared of pain and failure. I keep trying to live life in this sterile bubble of angry cynicism where I constantly want to shove people away and hide under my own bizarre views on life.

Thank you for loving me through this absolutely insane life of uncertain insanity.

It helps to type this, almost like I am taking a fresh breath of air after weeks and maybe even months of just holding it.

Please, please, please help me to make the right decisions but at the same time HELP ME to make DECISIONS. It feels like I have a three hundred pound gorilla sitting on my shoulders and hitting my head with a daily planner made from the lost souls of the damned and departed that could never be anything but underachievers.

Dramatic? Most certainly.
How I feel? Yes.

I want to make the right decisions. Please help me, I need YOU, nothing else. But I do need something before this world just kind of explodes in on me. You know?

Random Thoughts

It is so mind blowing to think that Jesus referred to himself as a Lamb. We're talking the all powerful creator and destroyer of existence itself...referring to himself as this meek, weak, almost pitiable creature.

It is...words honestly can never hope to do justice to the amazing beauty that this is.

I suppose something very frustrating is knowing this truth in such a...deep and beyond understanding way is beautiful but frustrating because it means I don't know how to share it. Every attempt at sharing this love feels so empty, so hollow and so fake.

How can I be honest and real when I'm terrified of just being myself?

Being a hypocrite is so tiring after a while.

3 point paper

I.Introduction paragraph
-I like trees.

II. First Point.
-Trees are awesome.

III. Second Point.
-Trees have leaves.

IV. Third Point
-Trees make oxygen.

V. Conclusion
-Trees are awesome and I like them.

The best thing I can compare being home to, is that it is like plunging into frigid waters barely above freezing. You loose your breath, you feel numb, shocked, confused and most importantly...cold.

I don't mean to be so brutal in that thought it is just...I can't hide the truth. I miss being around warm fellowship, the kind of welcoming attitude where you know you are wanted and accepted for who you are.

Four Revelations of Novel Writing

1.Enlightenment is overrated
-No need to wait for the idea to fall from heaven before we start to write.
-It's okay to start with a very loose set of ideas.

2.When you have a million things what a million and one?
-Setting yourself apart from real life while writing is not the best of ideas.
-It is easier to do when you are restricted in time because you are forced to work to get anything done and utilize your time.

3.Plot Happens
-Two schools of thought:
1.Planning out noveling
2.Seat of your pants noveling

4.Writing For it's Own Sake Has Many Surprising Rewards
-It stretches and pokes your imagination and creativity in many ways

I'm quite frustrated at the lack of real words.
Up until now our conversations
have been filled with clever phrases
and words disguised as false sincerities.
As much as I may think I want change
without you there is none.

It is this dry spell that I'm afraid will kill me.
In between the beautiful days of life
you have these desperate moments of reality.
Realizations that you are a frail and fragile
finite life with only so much of a life expectancy.
Here today and gone tomorrow
everything in between will be reduced to nothingness.

The anticipation of what will inevitably come
is worse then what is.
Knowing the difficulty and the pain of today is just a foretaste
a near mockery of you today,
it is hard to know real
from the stress and pure feelings.

Sure pain may be limited to just here for the just now
but the just here and just now are all that I have
right now and know and feel.
It is problematic to assume and assure everything is alright
when you have neither clue nor hope it is.
The idea of saving grace come in by realizing
it is okay to be finite.
To be human.
To live, to die
and to try and be you.

The feelings and passions burning me will thankfully die
one day.
Until then it is a curse mixed with blessings,
being human is just all that it is
nothing more
nothing less.

I wish I could be freed to run away,
freed from this oppressive weight.
Freed from the desires and burning pain of this body.
Faulty and broken,
there merest hope of life feeling lost.

Help me to find You,
before the day ends.
Before all my blood spills out,
please love me.
Hold me to Your chest so I might hear your heart.
Let me know the end is coming
but I'll be found in Your love.

I'm too tired to keep trying to be clever.

What I need is an escape from this...prison of self.

This horrible amount of self hating and self deceiving mass of indulging weakness of my heart. Love? I never it but I need it.

I really hate mirrors because it seems every time I see one I just happen to keep seeing this guy I hate.

You know I'm worried you don't care anymore...you don't remember me or even think about me.

Oh well...

Coffee and U2 are amazing.

There is the combination of the caffeinated high with the heavenly melodies of the song 'City of Blinding Lights'.

I really want to quit right now.

But you won't let me will you?

Sometimes you can be a major league jerk.

Deity or not.

I wish I had something better to say then nothing.

You know I'm trying to read it right now but I can't. I have all of these stress factors piling up right now.

I'm torn with so many feeling of anger and despair...it feels like I am just floating in this pool of apathy and selfishness. That the tension is going to keep building until it explodes and I just go over the edge again. Words just cannot correctly convey all of this hopelessness and rage bubbling under my skin.

I wish everything could simply be fixed, I could get a meaningless and menial job and turn my mind off. I wish I didn't have to think deeply and never find satisfaction and rest. I wish I could just be another stupid sheep and not have any sense of my place in the world.

I get so freaking tired of seeing peoples smug smiles and their leers at my 'failures', I get so sick of the eyes burning as they stare at me as I walk by. Inever asked for life and as far as I'm concerned they can just go die for all I care at this moment.

I'm sick of feeling judged and made to feel like I am nothing but a waste of space, this disgusting mass of organic matter that has no reason to life. I am tired of feeling so sick and guilty for even being alive. I am tired of it all. I want to scream, I want to lash out I want to do something destructive but there is nothing I can do that would have any larger meaning.

You know I am praying, I'm crying, I am trying to find some sort of outlet and this is all I currently have and I am tired of it. It would be stupid to say no one cares but it would be accurate to say no one understands or can see what is going on.

It helps to say I am angry and tired of it all. It is like getting a fresh breath of air after living in this sulfur filled Hell hole for all of my life. Knowing you care enough to listen means something.

The internet is about to cause me to fly into a homicidal rage.

I hate this world and how it makes everything not work, including the freaking internet.

Of all these simple words you spoke
that is the one to make me stop
and watch the time become like smoke,
filling this desolate land.

But I still look to see you
beyond your selfish ego,
the failing attempt
at reconciliation
and I have to smile.

Despite my bruised self esteem
I see me.
I see you and deep down you are me.
We can divide the difference
but all we have is the fact
we represent each other before
we knew each other.
Cracked mirrors.

Drunk Chicken (Full Version)

So the other night was one of those odd nights.

By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"

Overall it was an odd experince.

Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"

But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.

Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.

Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.

I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?

I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.

Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.

Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.


One of the many similarities every human being has in common with any other is that we all worship. Some people offer their love and adoration to statues, some to altars and still some offer it to other people.

A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.

From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.

One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.

If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.

One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.

The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.

And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.

The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.

Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.

There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.

"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28


I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.

As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.

It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.

And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.

Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.


Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.

I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.

As Paul best put it:

"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."

-Galatians 2:19-21

Is it too late to ask for some clarity of mind and thought, so I might read with understanding?