I hate the feeling of just being on autopilot.
Nodding.
Agreeing.
Saying what's expected and needed.

I wonder, how much it matters...

Quote of the Day:

"I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started."
-Ernest Hemingway

Is there a nice way to say I hate humanity as a whole and hope you all finally create a big enough catastrophic event to wipe all of you out?

More nausea.
More chills.
I'm starting to see a reoccurring theme here...

Isaiah 8:11-13

"The Lord has given me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does. He said,

“Don’t call everything a conspiracy, like they do,
and don’t live in dread of what frightens them.
Make the Lord of Heaven’s Armies holy in your life.
He is the one you should fear.
He is the one who should make you tremble."
-Isaiah 8


So big I do not understand.
I am so finite I cannot grasp it.
Pain is real.
Love is real.
Grace is heartrending.
I only have a few answers.
None comfort me in my pain.

I pray, I cry out and wait for an answer...
Maybe none is coming.
Maybe the destruction is close at hand.
The best I can do is try to love and allow myself to be loved.

Exhausted and pain.
So much pain, confusion and confusion.
I'm not sure what matters and what does not.

However, You are bigger than all of this.
I will hold on, I will cling because I have to.
I may die without the answers but I believe this life isn't the end.

Things are so vapid and shallow...
I'm not meant for being here much longer.
Soon things will be better.
Less pain and grace to carry me there.

Sometimes I wonder why we converse...
Am I a blank wall?
Verses yet to be written?

Or is it closer to the fact I am just a sounding board...convenient for the brief time I am of use?

For I feel the seasons and tides change.

Meep.

Tired.
Achey.
Sleepy.

But can't sleep?

-_-

Body, you suck.
If you are going to freak out and be in pain, the least you can do is shut off for the time being and not make me have to deal with you.

The plus side is I am not longer losing my mind slowly.
You can't lose something you no longer have! ^_^

Why do I get made keeper of such horribly depressing news?

I suppose it's a blessing that people trust me enough to bring some of the horrific things in their life to me...

...but...I wish I could do more.

More than pray, more than listen...

But I'm not God.
I'm not hero.
I can't save the world.
I can just show up and do my best.
And hope, hope against hope that the right thing will happen...

Thoughts, thoughts, thought...more thoughts and a few dozen more.

Things are better.
Thankfully not worse.
So tired.
Oh so so tired.

Feeling, things and hope.
Something muttering,
voices carried on the wind
and I am waiting here.

Nausea and chills.
Woo.
@_@

I'm not sure if I'm just tacky, out of date, out of place, pathetic, sad, a reject, silly, dizzy or just falling into a spiral.

Frankly, I don't care about being rejected.

I can live with it.

I just want to protect those I love.

Bring smiles.

Maybe make life a bit bearable for everyone around and involved in everything.


God I'm so weird. >_<

Things would be so easier if I could turn my mind off and not feel the need to invite/involve myself in everything...which may be why I am so shocked when I actually am invited to things...

Live, Life, Love

So many thoughts.
Disconnected.
Disorientation.

I see but do not see.
I feel but cannot touch.

Glass boxes
and reminders
that all is not well.

Broken souls
and dejected lives,
painful breaths
and realizations of time.

Can I breath?
Dare I live?
Let go of pain
and refuse
to be defined
by illness.

To escape from pain,
flee across these plains
and traverse the deserts
with their hellish heat,
knowing full well the price.

Everything
and nothing.

You look into me
and for You my insides ache.


I want to protect
and learn to love
but so much is true
when it is false.

I hurt so much.
Do you see
and feel everything I am?
Does it matter that I am?
I can't be a hero
but I can choose to love
and let everything lose,
these prayers
and reluctance to live.

Quote of the Day:

You mean,’ said the Tragedian, ‘you mean – you did not love me truly in the old days.’

Only in a poor sort of way,’ she answered. ‘I have asked you to forgive me. There was a little real love in it. But what we called love down there was mostly the craving to be loved. In the main I loved you for my own sake: because I needed you.’

‘And now!’ said the Tragedian with a hackneyed gesture of despair. ‘Now, you need me no more?’

‘But of course not!’ said the Lady; and her smile made me wonder how [the phantom] could refrain from crying out with joy.

‘What needs could I have,’ she said, ‘now that I have all? I am full now, not empty. I am in Love Himself, not lonely. Strong, not weak. You shall be the same. Come and see. We shall have no need for one another now: we can begin to love truly.’
-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Isaiah 7

""Israel is no stronger than its capital, Samaria,
and Samaria is no stronger than its king, Pekah son of Remaliah.
Unless your faith is firm,
I cannot make you stand firm.”"
-Isaiah 7:9


It's...

It's strange.
God won't make us do anything.
It's choice.
Belief.
Choosing.

God just...does things.
It's purpose, not insanity...I suppose.

Love though... guiding and directing...

I never made this connection before but Kierkegaard is like literary punk rock.

No smashed guitars or moshing...but there is biting satire, strong conviction, self deprecating humor and a willingness to rip one's soul open and act as a display to the world...just in the hope that someone gets the point.

I would like to think that he would like The Clash.
And that in the next Age we'll be playing their music in one of the many cover bands in a tavern in the New Jerusalem.

Isaiah 6

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

He said, “Go and tell this people:"
-Isaiah 6:8-9

What more can I say that has not already been written?
To be called and be obedient...

I am not sure.
That is one of the greatest conclusions I can make.
I am not sure.

Grace is sufficient and more than I am capable of understanding...

So many thoughts, so much disorganization...

Showing up.
Being faithful.
That is the extent I can understand right now...

Isaiah 5

"What sorrow for those who say
that evil is good and good is evil,
that dark is light and light is dark,
that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter.
What sorrow for those who are wise in their own eyes
and think themselves so clever."
-Isaiah 5:20-21

I need Truth.
If I ever choose to forsake Truth for something lesser, I hope the end of my life is quick to follow...for never do I wish to teach heresy or lead people along into death for the sake of comfort.

After everything I've seen...
Everything I've experienced.
Everything I have learned from the lips of Christ, how could I ever deny You?

The only life I have is from You.
All the pain, all the agony...every shattered bone and the pain of nausea ripping through me...all of this is beyond my words, beyond my understanding...

Is it because of being born into a broken world?
Is this a chance for me to become closer to You in Your suffering and the agony You endured for my sins?

I do not want a righteousness born of my self.
I want to be free of this agony in my body and soul...

...but I am prepared to wait.
To sit here and learn...for what else can I do?
What more can I do but live and hope?
I do not want to cause pain, I do not want to destroy or hurt.
Be it possible I want to love with Your Love.
The Love that comes from Your Word, that comes from Your Spirit.
All of this is from You.
Every good thing I've done, every ounce of Love I have given is You.

Not I, no not I.
Only You my Love, my Beloved.
More than Words, more than hope...You are everything.
You are my everything.

I am an arrogant braggart, a know it all fool.
I speak without thinking and my words have done so much wrong.
Please pierce my heart like my body has been.
Let my heart, let my soul, let my being be changed by You.

If I need breaking, destroy everything I am and cling to so I might be closer to You and learn to be Yours.

I have no clue what more to do today than to try and rest, try to catch my breath from the pain...pray, listen to music, drink tea, breath, try to heal and continue writing.

I tend to stumble from place to place.
Set a vision in my soul, in my heart...
Where there is a destroyed vineyard, please replant and grow fruit.
You know the plans, You know my potential...could You please help me see that all over again?

Not the pain.
But the future.
Wherever.
However.
Please, my Love.
Don't tarry.

Outside of hope...what else do I have?

Quote of the Day:

"Nothing is yet in its true form."
-C.S. Lewis

This...this might be the greatest of hopes I have read in the longest of times.

Isaiah 4

"Then the Lord will provide shade for Mount Zion
and all who assemble there.
He will provide a canopy of cloud during the day
and smoke and flaming fire at night,
covering the glorious land.
It will be a shelter from daytime heat
and a hiding place from storms and rain."
-Isaiah 4:5-6


I can't imagine "That Day".
It seems so far away.
Like a dream.
Something passing.

My pains, my burdens, my sin, my shame...
All the pain in my life.
Just brushed away.
My tears wiped away.
The blood cleaned off.
Every sin washed clean.
My soul freed, my shame lifted away.

It's more than a dream.

Quote of the Day:

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"
-C.S. Lewis

Isaiah 3

"On that day of judgment
the Lord will strip away everything that makes her beautiful:
ornaments, headbands, crescent necklaces,"
-Isaiah 3:18

It's a weird verse to focus on.
But, God is systematic and knowledge in what He does.
With punishment, judgement...this idea of stripping things away...these ornamental things that distract and weigh down...

Maybe by ripping away these precious trinkets it does something else?
It removes the burden?
It forcibly takes what we make into idols?
It makes us have to give up and see what we can see otherwise?

I can hope the pain won't last forever.
That the love will be quick to come and redeem me.
That the isolation and pain won't endure forever...
That this dark night will and can end...

Love, Love, Love.



"I am walking blind
So distracted that I don’t even feel when You hold me
When did I grow such thick skin
You are my sunshine and rain
My joy and sweet pain
I’m a spotless stain
That boy is gone
But nobody moves me like You do
When I remember

A cold moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my Love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in Your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain

To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You"

Isaiah 2

"People from many nations will come and say,
“Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord,
to the house of Jacob’s God.
There he will teach us his ways,
and we will walk in his paths.”
For the Lord’s teaching will go out from Zion;
his word will go out from Jerusalem.
The Lord will mediate between nations
and will settle international disputes.
They will hammer their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will no longer fight against nation,
nor train for war anymore."
-Isaiah 2:3-4

I'm too tired to think much...
I just am so tired of internal conflict.
Win wars that matter but leave me broken and unable to move.

So tired of hurting.
There is healing, hope and peace...
It's just...when?
How long is the waiting?
How long staying here and hoping?

I don't want marketing, cookie cutter religion and all the sell out deals waiting there...I just want truth, to cling to it, love and be loved...to refuse to shut down when all the pain says otherwise...

There is inevitable conflict and it all raises and will reach a climax...

Holding onto hope...what more do I have?
Faith that this isn't pointless or a needless exercise...
There is hope, faith and love.
It will endure.
You endure when I do not.
You are strong and I am not.

What point is there in me to stay, unless You are here?
I'm not sure how to pray anymore.
Just this stream of thoughts.
Hard to focus.
Refine anything.
Take what You can, refine and make me new.
You are all I have.

You know it's going to be an interesting day when after you wake up and your first thoughts are "Wow, I wonder if I would be in as much pain if I would have fallen down four flights of stairs instead of trying to have slept." #_#