I'm...confused...sleepy and stressed...worried too...

But it'll be okay...

If I hear the phrase "reformed pastor" or just "reformed" in the sense of theological pretentious bollocks I'm throwing the TV out the window.

Seems like the numbers were falling right...almost like a Muse whispered in my ear about my personality...how when things change and get messy I tend to fall apart...I need to think deeper on those thoughts...find the way I'm supposed to walk...

Spoiled brat syndrome is definitely something that can go out the window...

On the plus side...have about ten hours to think after my last temper tantrum...I'm trying to keep people out of this hole I'm in...the pain is something that keeps me apart and it's almost...scary to let anyone in this far...

And why the fuck am I sleeping on the floor?

I don't understand that exactly.

I thought I was doing better...but now that I'm about to leave...there is a lot of anger, fear, annoyance, resentment and general enraged feeling deep inside me.

What the hell?

Seriously...of all the times she has to drag that ass along...I just honestly do not understand what the hell people think or do...I'm sick of this place, I hate this place.

I hate these people...this 'family'...this facade...it makes me physically ill...ironically...

The next time extra family decide to tag along...to make my medical trip into a mini vacation...and putting the guy getting poked and prodded on the floor...next time I think I'll just politely bite my tongue, tell them to shove off and I'll hitch hike my way to the hospital...

*insert angry mumbling*

The world has enough ego maniacs in my idols...so why do I feel the need to contribute?

Loose Change

Teach me to sing
'cause I lost my voice.
Teach me to breath
because You made me loose touch,
made me loose and I forgot how to breath.
For this first time You made me feel,
made me feel love.

"In a Little While" - U2

In a little while surely you'll be mine
In a little while I'll be there
In a little while this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love
When the night takes a deep breath and the daylight has no air
If I crawl, if I come crawling home will you be there

In a little while I won't be blown by every breeze
Friday night running to Sunday on my knees
That girl, that girl, she's mine
Well I've known her since
Since she was a little girl with Spanish eyes
When I saw her in a pram they pushed her by
My how you've grown
Well, it's been, it's been a little while

Slow down my beating heart

A man dreams one day to fly
A man takes a rocketship into the skies
He lives on a star that's dying in the night
And follows in the trail, the scatter of light
Turn it on, turn it on, you turn me on

Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love
Slow down my beating heart
Slowly, slowly love

Gone

I'll be leaving in a few hours and heading to Jacksonville, FL to the Mayo clinic to get more diagnostic testing done on my stomach.

My check in with the hospital is around seven am on Monday and I'll meet the doctor over my case at eight. I'll find out then how many days I'll be there for and how many exciting and 'fun' tests my body will be subjected to.

Not much else I can say except any thoughts, prayers, well wishes and the like are welcomed as always.

I'll try to throw some updates out while I'm down there but it'll most depend on my state of consciousness as well as any access to free wifi.

Goodbye, you can keep this suit of lies.
I'll be up with the sun
I'm not coming down
I'm not coming down
I'm not coming down

Wake Up Calls

Dead to the world,
just another passenger asleep.
Not knowing who I was,
not caring about the distance.
Just knowing not knowing
was enough to know.

A call.
Just another waking thought,
suppressed by sleeping minds
not knowing what it means to thirst.
Bought with prices,
hindsight knowing best
as it feels like my heart may burst;
because of You,
because of You
it's all vivid in light
bleeding out shadows.
Because of You
it is,
it's raining
and I can feel.
Because of You,
because of You,
just You.

Morning calls
with light creeping in,
brilliant reds,
paint running thin.
It's like I'm learning to breath
just all over again.
It's kind of funny
how these are just all words,
making such a fuss
and not even knowing,
knowing it's You.

Never knowing just how important
never knowing just how it began
never knowing about me knowing
when all I knew was You to begin with.

I hate panic attacks...well not that anyone actually does like them...

As if I wasn't stressed out enough already...

Fatalism, as both theological statement and practical application is the grand summation of stupidity at its finest.

These networking websites are seriously starting to stab me in the side...

I hate Catch 22 situations where it feels like there is no 'real' answer...

Going a little...little crazy...need some help Jesus.

Please.

Let the moving be quick and home be close.

I refuse to see lines...barriers on the horizon...it is open...the sky it is beautiful...the possibilities are endless...and all thanks to You.

Psalm 143:7-10

Hurry with your answer, God
I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me!
That would be certain death.
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.
Point out the road I must travel;
I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies, God—
you're my only hope!
Teach me how to live to please you,
because you're my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit
into cleared and level pastureland.

With Love

With trying to feel,
to love at all
it makes me feel,
makes me feel like I'm a child
just a child playacting as an adult.
A needy child aching for his mother
not knowing why falling down hurts.
I ache and cry
while hoping and trying
living with thoughts of dying
and all and all and all
is all we got.
Singing this same song again and again.

Can I hear You tell me
the why and how
the way things came to be.
Just one more bed time story,
just one more time why we're here
and where this is all going.

Sing to me again and again,
this same old song we've heard
from beginning until end.
Sing to me Love
and help me to understand why.

Oh love sing to me again
it's never been about me
but if you believed,
just if you could believe in me
and could carry this weight
around your neck.
Can you believe in me
believe in Your song and me
once again?

Just one last song for the night
on final time to say goodbye
and kiss the stars,
see them burn out of fight.
While I see you standing
standing in pale moonlight.
Is this all we have left?
Just Love?

Sing to me once more,
open the heavens,
challenge the sky,
leave what is wrong
and let us leave all this below
and become enraptured
in this Muse inspired song.
And let us sing once more
together over life
and Love.

Two more...

"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside

"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside

I think I saw a place in the distance
We've always known it was there
When I have breathed for the last time
I'll walk out to the end of that pier
There is that place in our conscience
So talk so loud so you won't hear and forget
But I'll still call it home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way

There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way