I just...why do such small things bother me?
I don't like being around it...but am such a judgment jerk who mutters curses in his head...what? Why?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Rod
Tonight I was upset.
Too much stress and too little means in ways of dealing with it, so I went for a walk before I just exploded.
I walked along the beach, past the pier and several sand castles and just watched the endless horizon; the sea and sky juxtaposition to the end of the world, crossing but never touching one another.
I saw lightning flicker and walked more.
I walked back and went up and down the board walk, past the clubs and bars, past the tacky souvenir shops and the restaurants. I walked past a guy shouting some Bible verses very loudly towards another guy who was sitting down on a bench. I walked a little further and heard vague quotes from Matthew that sounded like they were used more for morality bashing rather then love.
As I was walking back past the guy on the bench he said 'Hi.' and I stopped. I looked at him and said hey. He asked me to sit down and I did.
He asked if I was homeless or just in the hotel, I mentioned the hotel and welcomed me to his home. Which begs the question, do I always dress like a hobo or was tonight just a special divine occasion?
We talked about thirty minutes or so, periodically being interrupted by his friends many of whom were either drunk or going through drug withdrawals...very tense moments at times but it was something special.
Rod served in the military doing construction and mentioned serving in Afghanistan during the 80's. He said he almost was able to finish his work for massage therapy and get licensed but his mother died and that started him off into a spiral of drugs, both illicit and pharmaceutical, booze and trying to find himself.
Originally he was from North Carolina but found himself at Jacksonville Beach somehow.
He mentioned about how he washed tires and told jokes to try and earn enough money to be able to afford cigarettes and the beer to try and keep his drug withdrawals down. I'm not sure if jusice is a euphemism for something that else that is bad for the body but he asked if he could tell a couple of jokes to have enough money so he could have something to drink.
I obliged him and sadly the jokes were incredibly vulgar (yes I did laugh) and so vulgar that I can't share them on here.
About this time I asked him about the cross he was wearing...he mentioned how he was given the cross and a hundred dollar bill by a guy who wanted to help him. I asked him if he was a believer and he said yes, so much so that him and one of his drunk friends immediately sat down and started praying for me.
That was...something special.
I am too proud for my own good. I won't ask for something because I'm afraid of being told no...or looking like an idiot...but something I've wanted so much this week is for someone...my family or whatever to pray over me, pray for me and with me. It never has to be fancy words but just having someone willing to hold my hand and say 'It's going to be okay, Jesus loves so much and this is going to be okay'...and I know some of you have done so much that I could never repay...and thank you...but sometimes having it in person goes so far.
But these guys...no home, addictions, cancers, pain, heart breaks, disappointments, disillusionment, social stigmas...so much going against them and they are my brothers in faith. They believe ardently that Jesus loves them with a passion that will never cease, that as long as their heart beats that they are beloved by God...that no matter how people look down on them, spit on them, make fun of them...that despise their inability to be perfect Jesus loves them for them.
There is this prevalent lie that perfection and Christianity is somehow supposed to be hand in hand. I don't know if it is just people wanting to see those who claim to be saved fall...or our egos...but this is such garbage. I hate people over quoting Romans but it's true...none of us have our act together...what is better? To be a blind rich man in a condo with no sense of truth...or a beggar who sees the colors of life and has to trust the same God who feeds the birds will feed him?
"So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:
There's nobody living right, not even one,
nobody who knows the score, nobody alert for God.
They've all taken the wrong turn;
they've all wandered down blind alleys.
No one's living right;
I can't find a single one.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Every word they speak is tinged with poison.
They open their mouths and pollute the air.
They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,
litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,
Don't know the first thing about living with others.
They never give God the time of day.
This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin."
-Romans 3:9-20
People spend their time feeling pity for the poor...but maybe it is they who really pity us. Not just the American beggars but those starving in Africa, the Christians and Democratic protesters being beaten and tortured in Iran and a dozen other countries around the world...maybe it is those who see the American church as the over bloated and sad caricature that it is pities us...because they can see what we can't see...that it's the sick who need a doctor...and God are we so very sick.
I don't know if I will see Rod again here...but we promised to see each other when we both get to the Kingdom, that I cannot wait for.
Too much stress and too little means in ways of dealing with it, so I went for a walk before I just exploded.
I walked along the beach, past the pier and several sand castles and just watched the endless horizon; the sea and sky juxtaposition to the end of the world, crossing but never touching one another.
I saw lightning flicker and walked more.
I walked back and went up and down the board walk, past the clubs and bars, past the tacky souvenir shops and the restaurants. I walked past a guy shouting some Bible verses very loudly towards another guy who was sitting down on a bench. I walked a little further and heard vague quotes from Matthew that sounded like they were used more for morality bashing rather then love.
As I was walking back past the guy on the bench he said 'Hi.' and I stopped. I looked at him and said hey. He asked me to sit down and I did.
He asked if I was homeless or just in the hotel, I mentioned the hotel and welcomed me to his home. Which begs the question, do I always dress like a hobo or was tonight just a special divine occasion?
We talked about thirty minutes or so, periodically being interrupted by his friends many of whom were either drunk or going through drug withdrawals...very tense moments at times but it was something special.
Rod served in the military doing construction and mentioned serving in Afghanistan during the 80's. He said he almost was able to finish his work for massage therapy and get licensed but his mother died and that started him off into a spiral of drugs, both illicit and pharmaceutical, booze and trying to find himself.
Originally he was from North Carolina but found himself at Jacksonville Beach somehow.
He mentioned about how he washed tires and told jokes to try and earn enough money to be able to afford cigarettes and the beer to try and keep his drug withdrawals down. I'm not sure if jusice is a euphemism for something that else that is bad for the body but he asked if he could tell a couple of jokes to have enough money so he could have something to drink.
I obliged him and sadly the jokes were incredibly vulgar (yes I did laugh) and so vulgar that I can't share them on here.
About this time I asked him about the cross he was wearing...he mentioned how he was given the cross and a hundred dollar bill by a guy who wanted to help him. I asked him if he was a believer and he said yes, so much so that him and one of his drunk friends immediately sat down and started praying for me.
That was...something special.
I am too proud for my own good. I won't ask for something because I'm afraid of being told no...or looking like an idiot...but something I've wanted so much this week is for someone...my family or whatever to pray over me, pray for me and with me. It never has to be fancy words but just having someone willing to hold my hand and say 'It's going to be okay, Jesus loves so much and this is going to be okay'...and I know some of you have done so much that I could never repay...and thank you...but sometimes having it in person goes so far.
But these guys...no home, addictions, cancers, pain, heart breaks, disappointments, disillusionment, social stigmas...so much going against them and they are my brothers in faith. They believe ardently that Jesus loves them with a passion that will never cease, that as long as their heart beats that they are beloved by God...that no matter how people look down on them, spit on them, make fun of them...that despise their inability to be perfect Jesus loves them for them.
There is this prevalent lie that perfection and Christianity is somehow supposed to be hand in hand. I don't know if it is just people wanting to see those who claim to be saved fall...or our egos...but this is such garbage. I hate people over quoting Romans but it's true...none of us have our act together...what is better? To be a blind rich man in a condo with no sense of truth...or a beggar who sees the colors of life and has to trust the same God who feeds the birds will feed him?
"So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:
There's nobody living right, not even one,
nobody who knows the score, nobody alert for God.
They've all taken the wrong turn;
they've all wandered down blind alleys.
No one's living right;
I can't find a single one.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Every word they speak is tinged with poison.
They open their mouths and pollute the air.
They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,
litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,
Don't know the first thing about living with others.
They never give God the time of day.
This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin."
-Romans 3:9-20
People spend their time feeling pity for the poor...but maybe it is they who really pity us. Not just the American beggars but those starving in Africa, the Christians and Democratic protesters being beaten and tortured in Iran and a dozen other countries around the world...maybe it is those who see the American church as the over bloated and sad caricature that it is pities us...because they can see what we can't see...that it's the sick who need a doctor...and God are we so very sick.
I don't know if I will see Rod again here...but we promised to see each other when we both get to the Kingdom, that I cannot wait for.
Tentative Diagnosis
Today during my second doctors appointment he suggested that I might be suffering from Fibromyalgia, which far from being good news it is much better than it could be.
Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.
Take your time.
I'll wait for you I promise.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056
...back?
Okay good.
What does this mean?
I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.
It's a fresh of breath air.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.
Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.
Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...
Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.
Take your time.
I'll wait for you I promise.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056
...back?
Okay good.
What does this mean?
I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.
It's a fresh of breath air.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.
Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.
Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...
I need to write...my stress levels are peaking out and I feel like I'm going to throw up from pure stress...I hate being in close quarters with my family...I'm a horrible son for not trying to work at bringing things together better...but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one attempting to be an adult...and it's been that way for what feels like twenty years...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Onwards Through Doubt
Why does pain manifest itself as the chilly daggers of fear?
Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...
I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.
Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...
I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.
Jonah 4:10-11
God said, "What's this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can't I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don't yet know right from wrong, to say nothing of all the innocent animals?
Monday, August 10, 2009
"Walk On" - U2
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight
And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight
And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate
I Hate Math
The worse case scenario is that I'll wait here, in this office, for forty hours this week...ten hours a day...and won't get seen at all.
The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...
That sucked.
I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.
On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.
The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...
That sucked.
I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.
On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.
This might be my future:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator
But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.
I just...yeah.
Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.
I may get in today, this week or in several months...
I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator
But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.
I just...yeah.
Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.
I may get in today, this week or in several months...
I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-
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