Foolish.
Insane.
Confused.

But foolishly and relentlessly never giving up.

Why am I such a foolish idiot?

"

"Grace Flood" - The O.C. Supertones

Oh so many foolish things afoot.
Whispers in the wind.'
Hope flying and fluttering,
just out of reach.

Quote of the Day:

"I wish I had never been born," she said. "What are we born for?"
"For infinite happiness," said the Spirit. "You can step out into it at any moment..."
-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Stirrings in the Night

The one you knew is gone.
Replaced by a sound,
strange sensation
and verbalization.

Realization that the world is passed,
going
and leaving,
all left behind
as all is all that it ever was.

Beginning and end
wrapped up in a cloth,
waiting
and
waiting.

Hope is coming.
Shattering storms of wind,
carrying debris
crashing to the soul.

Hope in a hurricane,
destructive light
providing a way out.

Oh how hope is coming.

Jeremiah 20:9

"But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot."

"Oh, the sky is electric tonight
My savior from myself
Is on the move
My long lost love
My redeemer
Come and remind me

The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have"

"Come and find me, my Love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of Your arms
And walk me away from my shame

Emotional, Mental, Physical and Spiritual Drain

Words.
Yet there is no structure behind them.
Words.
But the meaning is unclear.
Words.
And the block has grown.

Words.
Words.
Words.

Even more words.

More words.

Words.

Too Soon to Speak

Breath.
Pain.
Wonder, enrapturing and catching my soul.

Exodus.
Leaving.
Needs, tradition faltering and trepidation singing.

"I'm Looking Forward To Joining You Finally"- Nine Inch Nails

"thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more

a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I've done all I can do
could I please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes"

Late Night Stash of Photos Find

So many pictures found.
Images of life being lived.
Death prevented while hope prevails.
Bitterness mixed with trepidation.

Where does this all lead?
What Rabbit Hole will come next?
Am I lost as I wander,
or is it I am standing
in the center of Your hand
a second from embrace?

Null

I'm...alive.
At least it's raining heavily.
That is always a beautiful, wonderful and understated thing.

Desk, meet head.
Head, meet desk.
Try not to hurt one another too badly when you connect.

God I want to go to church so badly.
But...of course can't.
Some sort of correlation is there...

Hope Still Flies

Wow.
Somehow I always forget to update this thing...and the time keeps flying along.
I've taken a ton of photos which I am in the process of getting back from TW (had to use her camera since mine went bust).
Outside of photography my writing over the past year has been rather difficult.

My health problems have gotten to the point where I'm having trouble keeping up with work/rent and I tend to be far too frustrated to write.
If I'm not completely medicated out of my mind on medication then I will sometimes spend time with TW...cooking, traversing the neighborhood, playing Metal Gear Solid 3, talking about silly absurd things...really she has been such a joy to be around despite my health being shot to Hell.

I have been writing scraps of poems, outlines for essays, started a work document for my oft talked about but never completed RPG using RPG Maker XP...there is this, that, everything, something, nothing...beauty, pain, hope, fear...all the elements of a life I am trying to reclaim and make some measure of sense with.

I can safely say that no matter the dark, the pain or seemingly impossible the situation is...there is hope, and that hope still flies.

I'm alive.
Hurting like a mofo.
But alive.
Thank God for life even with the pain and loneliness.

Psalm 31

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within."
-Psalm 31:9-10

I know there is Hope, Love and Grace.
But the waiting,
the pain of seconds becoming minutes becoming hours,
how long,
how long shall I wait?
Till my age increases
and my hair becomes fully gray
and these belittled bones into dust?

Some say it is melodrama
but my life is empty, incomplete
and at such a loss
without You, Abba, Father.

These words are nothing without You.
For it is You who gives meaning,
that creates a purpose
from being awake until dreaming,
all of the pain has this purpose
but it only is derived from You.

What shall I do?
What can I do?
What must I do?

These songs are fleeting
but I feel Your melody,
it is within me
and far without
as I wait here.
Lost in dreams
becoming nightmares,
stuck in this Beyond
never knowing
or sure.

Lover please Love me.
Do not be distant.
Or wait till I have decayed from doubt and pain,
rescue me.
Once again.
This is a trap and pain of my own devising
but You alone can rescue me.
Only You are wonderful, beautiful and perfect.
These ashes of my life will be scattered soon,
so please do not tarry.
Do not tarry Love.

I think this may be the best thing I've written in several months:

http://lamecreation.blogspot.com/2012/02/rpg-of-life-sidequests.html