I never knew I could be so pissed off at myself for doing the right thing.
I...God just help me to get my head on straight.

Remind me why I'm alive.

I can pray...I can stay at a distance and separate myself so I'm not destroyed by my wayward heart.

I don't have to be subjected to every whim, every struggle and allow it to cause my heart so much pain. I'm here to serve but allowing myself to be destroyed serves no one and is a disservice to You...myself and those I'm here to help.

I just...have such a struggle with trying to do the right thing...for the right reasons...I don't suppose any of us ever come to You for the right reason, right Lord?

I just...I struggle...I need to communicate in my mind...but it's none of my concern...what happens will happen without me around. Life existed before and after me...I'm living and dying apart from billions of people...the few I come across are just fleeting moments that will be gone just as soon. It hurts but that is reality...that is everything...here...gone...forever...

It hurts...but I can...I have to survive.