Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Jonah 3:3
"This time Jonah started off straight for Nineveh, obeying God's orders to the letter."
How is this one verse...becoming so important...so quickly?
How is this one verse...becoming so important...so quickly?
Oh...
Dreams...no.
No.
No.
Not more.
Not again.
Go away.
Far, far away.
Is it too much to ask for freedom from this weight...this pain?
No.
No.
Not more.
Not again.
Go away.
Far, far away.
Is it too much to ask for freedom from this weight...this pain?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
It's A Wonder Why...
The music...keeps drawing memories out...siphoning out thoughts...taking form only in dreams...strange disheartening visions, more nightmares than escapist fair.
Where is this going?
Why are you still here?
Why must you, damnable specter of the past, haunt me still?
Did you not do enough damage in the first act of my life?
Must you haunt these grounds still tonight?
Such a lofty moniker you still wish to claim.
Father?
I think not.
Biological consequence alone does not equip one for such a task.
I keep getting told to write to you...consider this a first entry.
Not much to say because the task is rather...large.
But then again...here we are.
It's a wonder why, it's a curiosity...
I want to see through the looking glass, so desperately. I want to see beyond it but the damn thing is fogging up with my breath and I see nothing but pale shadows creeping closer behind me.
Where is this going?
Why are you still here?
Why must you, damnable specter of the past, haunt me still?
Did you not do enough damage in the first act of my life?
Must you haunt these grounds still tonight?
Such a lofty moniker you still wish to claim.
Father?
I think not.
Biological consequence alone does not equip one for such a task.
I keep getting told to write to you...consider this a first entry.
Not much to say because the task is rather...large.
But then again...here we are.
It's a wonder why, it's a curiosity...
I want to see through the looking glass, so desperately. I want to see beyond it but the damn thing is fogging up with my breath and I see nothing but pale shadows creeping closer behind me.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
More Jonah Notes:
Jonah 2:1-10
Prayer of Jonah while inside the big fish. Contrast with Jesus' prayer in the garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:31-46 Mark 14:32-42, Luke 22:39-53, John 17:1-26)
Content of prayer similar to Psalm 40
Jonah 3:1-10
v.1-2 The second time God spoke. Apparently the fish was a subtle hint to Jonah. Exact same commands, exact same words dictating Jonah to go to Nineveh.
-What levels of irony exist that the 'fish' would be a symbol of early Christians? Drawn in the dirt for believers to see and know things were safe?
v.3- Jonah obeyed to the letter...Nineveh was big enough to take three days to travel...how many miles would that be?
v.4 - Jonah's message was simple and just proclaimed destruction. There was no exhortation to repent, no salvation message...no acknowledgment that there would even be a means to avoid the destruction. It was pure fire and brimstone.
v.5 - A city wide fast was held, people believed that God cared, cared about them and wanting repentance
Jonah 4:1-11
Prayer of Jonah while inside the big fish. Contrast with Jesus' prayer in the garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:31-46 Mark 14:32-42, Luke 22:39-53, John 17:1-26)
Content of prayer similar to Psalm 40
Jonah 3:1-10
v.1-2 The second time God spoke. Apparently the fish was a subtle hint to Jonah. Exact same commands, exact same words dictating Jonah to go to Nineveh.
-What levels of irony exist that the 'fish' would be a symbol of early Christians? Drawn in the dirt for believers to see and know things were safe?
v.3- Jonah obeyed to the letter...Nineveh was big enough to take three days to travel...how many miles would that be?
v.4 - Jonah's message was simple and just proclaimed destruction. There was no exhortation to repent, no salvation message...no acknowledgment that there would even be a means to avoid the destruction. It was pure fire and brimstone.
v.5 - A city wide fast was held, people believed that God cared, cared about them and wanting repentance
Jonah 4:1-11
John 15
"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.
"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.
"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.
"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.
"I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.
"You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another.
"If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God's terms and no longer on the world's terms, the world is going to hate you.
"When that happens, remember this: Servants don't get better treatment than their masters. If they beat on me, they will certainly beat on you. If they did what I told them, they will do what you tell them.
"They are going to do all these things to you because of the way they treated me, because they don't know the One who sent me. If I hadn't come and told them all this in plain language, it wouldn't be so bad. As it is, they have no excuse. Hate me, hate my Father—it's all the same. If I hadn't done what I have done among them, works no one has ever done, they wouldn't be to blame. But they saw the God-signs and hated anyway, both me and my Father. Interesting—they have verified the truth of their own Scriptures where it is written, 'They hated me for no good reason.'
"When the Friend I plan to send you from the Father comes—the Spirit of Truth issuing from the Father—he will confirm everything about me. You, too, from your side must give your confirming evidence, since you are in this with me from the start."
"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.
"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.
"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.
"I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.
"You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another.
"If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God's terms and no longer on the world's terms, the world is going to hate you.
"When that happens, remember this: Servants don't get better treatment than their masters. If they beat on me, they will certainly beat on you. If they did what I told them, they will do what you tell them.
"They are going to do all these things to you because of the way they treated me, because they don't know the One who sent me. If I hadn't come and told them all this in plain language, it wouldn't be so bad. As it is, they have no excuse. Hate me, hate my Father—it's all the same. If I hadn't done what I have done among them, works no one has ever done, they wouldn't be to blame. But they saw the God-signs and hated anyway, both me and my Father. Interesting—they have verified the truth of their own Scriptures where it is written, 'They hated me for no good reason.'
"When the Friend I plan to send you from the Father comes—the Spirit of Truth issuing from the Father—he will confirm everything about me. You, too, from your side must give your confirming evidence, since you are in this with me from the start."
Just a thought...
Would it be possible to do the lyrical styling of Bob Dylan meets the musical scope of Nine Inch Nails?
Any takers?
Anyone?
Any takers?
Anyone?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
"Out of Control" - U2
Monday morning
Eighteen years of dawning
I said how long
Said how long
It was one dull morning
I woke the world with bawling
I was so sad
They were so glad
I was of the feeling
It was out of control
I had the opinion it was
Out of control
Boys and girls
Go to school, and girls
They make children
Not like this one
I was of the feeling
I was out of control
I had the opinion it was
Out of control
I'm out of control
You say
Out of control
I'm out of control
Out of control
Out of control
Out of control
I fought fate
There's blood at the garden gate
The man said childhood
It's in his childhood
One day I'll die
The choice will not be mine
Will it be too late
You can't fight fate
I was of the feeling
It was out of control
I had the opinion
It was out of control
Eighteen years of dawning
I said how long
Said how long
It was one dull morning
I woke the world with bawling
I was so sad
They were so glad
I was of the feeling
It was out of control
I had the opinion it was
Out of control
Boys and girls
Go to school, and girls
They make children
Not like this one
I was of the feeling
I was out of control
I had the opinion it was
Out of control
I'm out of control
You say
Out of control
I'm out of control
Out of control
Out of control
Out of control
I fought fate
There's blood at the garden gate
The man said childhood
It's in his childhood
One day I'll die
The choice will not be mine
Will it be too late
You can't fight fate
I was of the feeling
It was out of control
I had the opinion
It was out of control
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
N.L. Church Notes 7-20-09
Postmodernism...oh joy. >_<
Epistemology - how one reaches 'the truth'
Unless truth is formed by being given or what you reject.
Recognizing different places/persons/things which help give us negative formations of truth...political, religious...peoples and groups that hold their version as superior and champion that cause...whether consciously or otherwise.
It's easy to relapse into false notions of God if we do not think critically as to why we believe and think.
Exodus 32:1-6, 21-24, 35
-Part where Moses goes up to get the Ten Commandments and is taking 'too long'. The Israelite had been waiting 400 years in slavery...but they get bored and ask for Aaron (Moses' brother) to make them an idol. And Aaron made a golden calf idol (which they were familiar with in Egypt...they adopted a false cultural god because they were not getting what they wanted when they wanted from their idea of God).
-Postmodernism...a post is the reaction to the base word of the phrase...it is a reaction to modernism; the period of historical development where we had a way of thinking, started in the 14th century with the Renaissance, to the 17th the Enlightenment...the idea is that there WAS objective reality...truth that could be discovered...truth could be missed and found...one's job was to find that truth.
-All opinions are held as the same.
-Pluralism society is allowing all thoughts to be treated equal...popular notion is that all options and thoughts are correct.
-Faith...more like a favorite song or the number of jelly beans in a jar?
-It is like the jelly beans...an absolute and concrete idea that we may not get exact but is real.
-You have to have a universal God to have a personal God...otherwise he is merely pop thought.
Individualized truth 2 Corinthians 11:3-4
-The deception of Eve in the garden.
-Genesis 3, 'knowing good and evil'...truth and understanding beyond God, a truth that is personal
-Intimacy is created by exclusivity. True love can only be built on a individual level. Allowing 'idols' to get between our relationship with God makes things shallow and empty.
-John 1 - personal Jesus
1 Corinthians 1:2; 2:2
-The oneness of the church is based on the Blood of Christ...everything we believe is based on Jesus, his death and resurrection...John 14:6...who is Jesus? How does he bridge this gap between us and God...and makes thing REAL, PERSONAL...regardless of our belief and doubt.
-If we are freed by the love, the intimacy with Jesus...then we are not threatened by differences and people being who they are.
-Moderates in the sense of being flippiant with a relationship...nay...being moderate and willing to think outside the box...yay.
-Being like Jesus...loving people just as they are...showing love and not letting differences stop us from being friends and showing love.
-Nothing they do effects what we believe...when we are exclusive in our relationship with God we're freed to love people with NO conditions.
-Different perspectives make things more beautiful...true believers are taught by anyone and everything.
-The objectivity of Christianity isn't to win but to love.
-God is the God of everyone.
-Everything has two sides but it is like flypaper, it all depends on which side the fly lands on. Only one side allows true freedom.
Matthew 28:18-20
-Always wish us.
-All authority and with us.
** ** **
Thought:
Lord, you have shown you are a constant presence in my life by being...by creating, loving and carrying me through the night.
** ** **
My own personal problem, as I try to define it, is with the religious Christian. I see them setting up walls to keep people out...and I want to run and avoid real relationships with them so that I won't have to have my prejudices challenged.
My personal prejudices is taking a beating to the face with a baseball bat.
I hate religious speech, I hate double talk, I hate the jargon...so much that I let myself hate the people...even though I do not know them or what they could be thinking or doing. I am trying to play angry God throwing down wrath...a preconceived false idol that pretends to love while backstabbing at a moment's notice.
The problem is that this Jesus...this Jesus I've been talking to for nearly fifteen years...is demanding. Freedom requires the sacrifice of my mind...soul..my very being...it requires I lay down my rage, down my arms and allow myself to be loved.
It is so true that intimacy...true, vivid intimacy can only occur on a one on one basis...with honesty and sincerity...and I am the master of what I hate. I despise people who do double talk because it flows so easily...I weave lies so convincingly that I no longer know the truth...who is who...what is what...it's such a tangled web that I want to just burn everything and run away.
I want peace...peace that goes beyond understand...that goes beyond my fallacy and instead allows love to change...divine and intoxicating love...that goes beyond words, phrases, fallen human constructs...and digs to the matter of my broken heart.
If I can pray it is for freedom from myself, my slow lingering death at the hands of self...it's hard to sit here and I would rather run to noise...but silence the noise and still my rapidly beating heart...wipe away the tears and soothe the ache...just let things be...let things be as You will.
I need this consistency...Your constant love...Your constant grace.
I'm so tired of fighting this loosing fight...just help me to give up these shreds of a life that is holding me back. I have dug my hole and built my tower...they are nothing but scratches in the dirt and a few rocks piled on each other...like a certain pair of sisters in that story...my will be done has lead to me laying here dying...precious Lamb...one who has already spilled His blood...is there forgiveness enough for yet another lost one?
Can You, will You still carry me?
I'm too weak to stand and the nausea is a Hell...can you carry me out of this and help me to face the day?
Epistemology - how one reaches 'the truth'
Unless truth is formed by being given or what you reject.
Recognizing different places/persons/things which help give us negative formations of truth...political, religious...peoples and groups that hold their version as superior and champion that cause...whether consciously or otherwise.
It's easy to relapse into false notions of God if we do not think critically as to why we believe and think.
Exodus 32:1-6, 21-24, 35
-Part where Moses goes up to get the Ten Commandments and is taking 'too long'. The Israelite had been waiting 400 years in slavery...but they get bored and ask for Aaron (Moses' brother) to make them an idol. And Aaron made a golden calf idol (which they were familiar with in Egypt...they adopted a false cultural god because they were not getting what they wanted when they wanted from their idea of God).
-Postmodernism...a post is the reaction to the base word of the phrase...it is a reaction to modernism; the period of historical development where we had a way of thinking, started in the 14th century with the Renaissance, to the 17th the Enlightenment...the idea is that there WAS objective reality...truth that could be discovered...truth could be missed and found...one's job was to find that truth.
-All opinions are held as the same.
-Pluralism society is allowing all thoughts to be treated equal...popular notion is that all options and thoughts are correct.
-Faith...more like a favorite song or the number of jelly beans in a jar?
-It is like the jelly beans...an absolute and concrete idea that we may not get exact but is real.
-You have to have a universal God to have a personal God...otherwise he is merely pop thought.
Individualized truth 2 Corinthians 11:3-4
-The deception of Eve in the garden.
-Genesis 3, 'knowing good and evil'...truth and understanding beyond God, a truth that is personal
-Intimacy is created by exclusivity. True love can only be built on a individual level. Allowing 'idols' to get between our relationship with God makes things shallow and empty.
-John 1 - personal Jesus
1 Corinthians 1:2; 2:2
-The oneness of the church is based on the Blood of Christ...everything we believe is based on Jesus, his death and resurrection...John 14:6...who is Jesus? How does he bridge this gap between us and God...and makes thing REAL, PERSONAL...regardless of our belief and doubt.
-If we are freed by the love, the intimacy with Jesus...then we are not threatened by differences and people being who they are.
-Moderates in the sense of being flippiant with a relationship...nay...being moderate and willing to think outside the box...yay.
-Being like Jesus...loving people just as they are...showing love and not letting differences stop us from being friends and showing love.
-Nothing they do effects what we believe...when we are exclusive in our relationship with God we're freed to love people with NO conditions.
-Different perspectives make things more beautiful...true believers are taught by anyone and everything.
-The objectivity of Christianity isn't to win but to love.
-God is the God of everyone.
-Everything has two sides but it is like flypaper, it all depends on which side the fly lands on. Only one side allows true freedom.
Matthew 28:18-20
-Always wish us.
-All authority and with us.
** ** **
Thought:
Lord, you have shown you are a constant presence in my life by being...by creating, loving and carrying me through the night.
** ** **
My own personal problem, as I try to define it, is with the religious Christian. I see them setting up walls to keep people out...and I want to run and avoid real relationships with them so that I won't have to have my prejudices challenged.
My personal prejudices is taking a beating to the face with a baseball bat.
I hate religious speech, I hate double talk, I hate the jargon...so much that I let myself hate the people...even though I do not know them or what they could be thinking or doing. I am trying to play angry God throwing down wrath...a preconceived false idol that pretends to love while backstabbing at a moment's notice.
The problem is that this Jesus...this Jesus I've been talking to for nearly fifteen years...is demanding. Freedom requires the sacrifice of my mind...soul..my very being...it requires I lay down my rage, down my arms and allow myself to be loved.
It is so true that intimacy...true, vivid intimacy can only occur on a one on one basis...with honesty and sincerity...and I am the master of what I hate. I despise people who do double talk because it flows so easily...I weave lies so convincingly that I no longer know the truth...who is who...what is what...it's such a tangled web that I want to just burn everything and run away.
I want peace...peace that goes beyond understand...that goes beyond my fallacy and instead allows love to change...divine and intoxicating love...that goes beyond words, phrases, fallen human constructs...and digs to the matter of my broken heart.
If I can pray it is for freedom from myself, my slow lingering death at the hands of self...it's hard to sit here and I would rather run to noise...but silence the noise and still my rapidly beating heart...wipe away the tears and soothe the ache...just let things be...let things be as You will.
I need this consistency...Your constant love...Your constant grace.
I'm so tired of fighting this loosing fight...just help me to give up these shreds of a life that is holding me back. I have dug my hole and built my tower...they are nothing but scratches in the dirt and a few rocks piled on each other...like a certain pair of sisters in that story...my will be done has lead to me laying here dying...precious Lamb...one who has already spilled His blood...is there forgiveness enough for yet another lost one?
Can You, will You still carry me?
I'm too weak to stand and the nausea is a Hell...can you carry me out of this and help me to face the day?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
"Invictus" - Brave Saint Saturn
I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be
And bitterness fires through me
The brilliance that was is flickering cold
Slowly burning to ash
I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes
Till one day I'm scared to go back
You part the shadows
Light of the world
Destroy the blindness
Peace eternal
Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'
You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable
Take this broken heart
If it brings you praise
(You part the shadows)
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
(Light of the world)
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
(Destroy the blindness)
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'
(Peace eternal)
You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable
I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be
Only to show You how very lost one can be
And bitterness fires through me
The brilliance that was is flickering cold
Slowly burning to ash
I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes
Till one day I'm scared to go back
You part the shadows
Light of the world
Destroy the blindness
Peace eternal
Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'
You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable
Take this broken heart
If it brings you praise
(You part the shadows)
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
(Light of the world)
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
(Destroy the blindness)
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'
(Peace eternal)
You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable
I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be
Esoteric Playground
This is me and this is you.
I'm hoping for peace and praying for understanding.
I'm even sure about...about...
I'm just not sure.
The more I hear this the further
the further the confusion.
Good God, when does this end?
I'm carrying poison in my veins,
playing at being Messiah
while carrying this broken hope.
Lies I can never cease to love
as I long to break free,
run free
into some hope.
Freedom from hate,
freedom from lies
freedom from the pain.
και εστιν αυτη η αγγελια ην ακηκοαμεν απ αυτου και αναγγελλομεν υμιν οτι ο θεος φως εστιν και σκοτια ουκ εστιν εν αυτω ουδεμια
Such lofty hope.
I'm hoping for peace and praying for understanding.
I'm even sure about...about...
I'm just not sure.
The more I hear this the further
the further the confusion.
Good God, when does this end?
I'm carrying poison in my veins,
playing at being Messiah
while carrying this broken hope.
Lies I can never cease to love
as I long to break free,
run free
into some hope.
Freedom from hate,
freedom from lies
freedom from the pain.
και εστιν αυτη η αγγελια ην ακηκοαμεν απ αυτου και αναγγελλομεν υμιν οτι ο θεος φως εστιν και σκοτια ουκ εστιν εν αυτω ουδεμια
Such lofty hope.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Compromising Thoughts
It is annoying how this vow...this promise...is almost a noose around me...not a bit guiding me but something that starts to choke me when I try to run.
Divine Love, so intoxicating...incomparable and no person can hope to understand.
I feel it in music...this rage...this desire; all of these revised and revived intoxicating lies mixed with hope.
It's so easy to step out of my skin on here and be a stranger...it's a refuge of sort...but I forget who I am, who the real me is outside of these false identities.
I wish i could rip my heart out so I could just give it to You fully, no more lies...no more fallacy driven compromise.
You really should sing angel, sing through your uncompromisable compromise.
What does it mean to be human?
Really human?
What has defined the terms?
How did You expect things to fall?
I'm tired of existential dread.
Will you let me cash it in with my desires in exchange for blood?
Divine Love, so intoxicating...incomparable and no person can hope to understand.
I feel it in music...this rage...this desire; all of these revised and revived intoxicating lies mixed with hope.
It's so easy to step out of my skin on here and be a stranger...it's a refuge of sort...but I forget who I am, who the real me is outside of these false identities.
I wish i could rip my heart out so I could just give it to You fully, no more lies...no more fallacy driven compromise.
You really should sing angel, sing through your uncompromisable compromise.
What does it mean to be human?
Really human?
What has defined the terms?
How did You expect things to fall?
I'm tired of existential dread.
Will you let me cash it in with my desires in exchange for blood?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Tryst Today
Some Lou Reed and thoughts of you.
Walking in and out of mind
while going up on a sugar trip.
Wanting to go here and there
not knowing where you might be.
Just wanting to take this walk
right out on the wild side,
maybe in boots or just lies.
Walking in and out of mind
while going up on a sugar trip.
Wanting to go here and there
not knowing where you might be.
Just wanting to take this walk
right out on the wild side,
maybe in boots or just lies.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Short of Flying
It is...scary but reliving to know I am not in control. What little that is entrusted to me is screwed up enough...
Yesterday was a good day so I forgot to write...today was a good day...up until the...it wasn't a fight...or an argument...a chiding or scolding wouldn't be correct either...a reminder of where I am, where I am not...and just shadows of imperfection around the fading light.
How is it 2007 is so far in the past? Or 2004? Or really 1986? These numbers...periods of time with no real meaning outside of reflections...1989 and 1994...my heart being ripped
out before I knew it could be.
There is just such a large amount of confusion wrapped around doubt.
I hate caring, the energy invested in people that so often leads to pain...I mean me saying that is like wishing I didn't need water or oxygen...asinine childish thoughts.
"But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you"
Running surely won't work either.
Mindless self indulgence has exhausted itself.
Yesterday was a good day so I forgot to write...today was a good day...up until the...it wasn't a fight...or an argument...a chiding or scolding wouldn't be correct either...a reminder of where I am, where I am not...and just shadows of imperfection around the fading light.
How is it 2007 is so far in the past? Or 2004? Or really 1986? These numbers...periods of time with no real meaning outside of reflections...1989 and 1994...my heart being ripped
out before I knew it could be.
There is just such a large amount of confusion wrapped around doubt.
I hate caring, the energy invested in people that so often leads to pain...I mean me saying that is like wishing I didn't need water or oxygen...asinine childish thoughts.
"But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you"
Running surely won't work either.
Mindless self indulgence has exhausted itself.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Trying to Sort...
So little has any real meaning...that isn't ripped apart by the madness of subjectivity...here we are...now what?
I'm bottoming out...I'm breaking apart and it feels like I'm free falling with no sense of direction.
If I sit here, If I lay here begging for help...strength to stand...will You bother to meet me halfway?
I don't know how to put this in words to where people can actually understand...it's frustrating that it seems that only the Divine know why...and can understand...but the words are so futile.
It still hurts.
Deep inside.
My heart is screaming to You in the middle of this off key notes and over the sounds of cracking bone. Even though I'm a false child of Israel my brethren are the Pharisees and serpents. From my cradle and until my grave you will see my hypocrisy and the hate I've sown in Your name...my childish ignorance has never been an excuse, nothing is to be explained because the failure is obvious.
You, You are truth.
My existential hypocrisy is rotting my heart and still...You have carried my sin, my poison, this living corpse that needs to be renewed.
I've seen too much death...I've lost so much...does the hollow feeling ever go away? How can I miss someone I barely knew so much?
"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It’s true that I’m in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I’ll ever need, your love has set me free
The truth is only you"
-Showbread, "Age of Reptiles"
"Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"
Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!""
-John 14:5-7
I'm bottoming out...I'm breaking apart and it feels like I'm free falling with no sense of direction.
If I sit here, If I lay here begging for help...strength to stand...will You bother to meet me halfway?
I don't know how to put this in words to where people can actually understand...it's frustrating that it seems that only the Divine know why...and can understand...but the words are so futile.
It still hurts.
Deep inside.
My heart is screaming to You in the middle of this off key notes and over the sounds of cracking bone. Even though I'm a false child of Israel my brethren are the Pharisees and serpents. From my cradle and until my grave you will see my hypocrisy and the hate I've sown in Your name...my childish ignorance has never been an excuse, nothing is to be explained because the failure is obvious.
You, You are truth.
My existential hypocrisy is rotting my heart and still...You have carried my sin, my poison, this living corpse that needs to be renewed.
I've seen too much death...I've lost so much...does the hollow feeling ever go away? How can I miss someone I barely knew so much?
"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It’s true that I’m in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I’ll ever need, your love has set me free
The truth is only you"
-Showbread, "Age of Reptiles"
"Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"
Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!""
-John 14:5-7
Monday, July 13, 2009
Loud Words
I don't know.
I'm not sure what I want to do except throw up.
I can't put stuff into words...fire...confusion...things and things again.
I hate not being able to phrase things.
I want to understand why...why...why...but no words fall. Nothing that can help make sense of things. I want to get out of this Hell. I hate this place. This fake words. The hollow conversations...people not understanding...not managing to listen and God I'm just so enraged and sad and not able to take much more of this before I snap.
Before I can sleep.
I'm not sure what I want to do except throw up.
I can't put stuff into words...fire...confusion...things and things again.
I hate not being able to phrase things.
I want to understand why...why...why...but no words fall. Nothing that can help make sense of things. I want to get out of this Hell. I hate this place. This fake words. The hollow conversations...people not understanding...not managing to listen and God I'm just so enraged and sad and not able to take much more of this before I snap.
Before I can sleep.
Just a philosophical tidbit:
Karl Marx as an idiot. Religion isn't the opiate of the people, it shocks you awake in vividly horrific ways. Ignorance, shallowness and racism are the true opiates because they require no prior thought or effort to obtain.
Day Time Cafes
Soft clever words have nothing on you.
I'm not sure I believed them anyway.
I'm the master of distraction
and have no clue where time begins and I end.
It's not like I meant dinner for two
or for the feelings to outlive the day.
It's just me in my hat and coat
wishing for a way out.
I'm not sure I believed them anyway.
I'm the master of distraction
and have no clue where time begins and I end.
It's not like I meant dinner for two
or for the feelings to outlive the day.
It's just me in my hat and coat
wishing for a way out.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Grey Sunrise
Been up since about three AM reading...thinking...hoping...praying.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Sunrises Forever
I've got nothing but time
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Resettlement of the Heart
Oh dear Love, dear Love
this is me speaking.
How lame are my limbs
how dumb is my tongue
and how deep in my aching.
My words may not express
even as a Muse hovers near
and I may only confess
my insufficiency here
as I fumble loosely for change,
change here
change now
a change for forever.
Grace to heal these wounds
Grace to forever rearrange
the structure of my heart.
Rewrite Your words on my heart.
Restructure so I may love,
break this wall down
so I can feel
and I can know whom this love is of.
this is me speaking.
How lame are my limbs
how dumb is my tongue
and how deep in my aching.
My words may not express
even as a Muse hovers near
and I may only confess
my insufficiency here
as I fumble loosely for change,
change here
change now
a change for forever.
Grace to heal these wounds
Grace to forever rearrange
the structure of my heart.
Rewrite Your words on my heart.
Restructure so I may love,
break this wall down
so I can feel
and I can know whom this love is of.
Sacred Falling Notes
I feel and see the futility.
I want to give up.
It's not real.
None of it ever was.
Strip me of my eyes so I can on longer see, take my ears so I may not hear, take my heart so I will never love and strip away my ability to feel.
It's not a question of believing in love...my faith is weak and I doubt it can overcome the disgusting frailties of humanity...I doubt few if any know what this Love is...what it means in the context of eternity...how it rips meaning from Your life and makes everything worthless. everything eternally worthless.
Too numb to feel and too dumb to speak.
I'm fooling around with cheap drink, cheap drugs and even cheaper sex not even knowing the source of my own misery is me waking to realize I never slept. It's all running in circles while making me feel cheap, cheaper and much more less than I truly am.
I remember eating a sandwich with her and it hurts.
I want everyone to like and accept me, when I don't get what I want I become this child who hurts and hurts with no sense or bearing of the the eternal and how it is all it is.
I doubt many understand this...and if they do it's distance ripping things apart...I want to give up and surrender my soul but it feels like I have nothing left...nothing except hope and trust that I am something more then a dying body with an infection infested soul.
Does it really matter that...even though I make it about me...that nothing except Everything is related to me?
You made it this way...everything and nothing...all at once.
How beautiful, how terrifying of You.
Isaiah 1:18-20
""Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out.
"This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so."
I want to give up.
It's not real.
None of it ever was.
Strip me of my eyes so I can on longer see, take my ears so I may not hear, take my heart so I will never love and strip away my ability to feel.
It's not a question of believing in love...my faith is weak and I doubt it can overcome the disgusting frailties of humanity...I doubt few if any know what this Love is...what it means in the context of eternity...how it rips meaning from Your life and makes everything worthless. everything eternally worthless.
Too numb to feel and too dumb to speak.
I'm fooling around with cheap drink, cheap drugs and even cheaper sex not even knowing the source of my own misery is me waking to realize I never slept. It's all running in circles while making me feel cheap, cheaper and much more less than I truly am.
I remember eating a sandwich with her and it hurts.
I want everyone to like and accept me, when I don't get what I want I become this child who hurts and hurts with no sense or bearing of the the eternal and how it is all it is.
I doubt many understand this...and if they do it's distance ripping things apart...I want to give up and surrender my soul but it feels like I have nothing left...nothing except hope and trust that I am something more then a dying body with an infection infested soul.
Does it really matter that...even though I make it about me...that nothing except Everything is related to me?
You made it this way...everything and nothing...all at once.
How beautiful, how terrifying of You.
Isaiah 1:18-20
""Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out.
"This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so."
Split Words
I feel...so worried about people...about situations...about how it almost seems things are starting to spiral out of control.
I want to ask "What does it really matter?"
But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.
I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.
This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.
I want to ask "What does it really matter?"
But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.
I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.
This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"Recall" - Brave Saint Saturn
It was all about acceleration
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"
Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me
There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me
I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"
Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me
There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me
I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me
Dreaming of Zion Awake...
The Matrix Online dying sucked enough...but finding this website:
http://www.mxoarchive.net
Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.
Notable places:
http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html
God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.
Sadness.
Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:
Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:
Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:
Nin and Emoto Power!
Nin and Emoto busting up bots:
Fedora Power!
It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...
Emoto won!
Emoto and Dante's Wedding:
After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:
Fire!
Hoping...
Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!
Looking to the...
http://www.mxoarchive.net
Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.
Notable places:
http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html
God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.
Sadness.
Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:
Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:
Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:
Nin and Emoto Power!
Nin and Emoto busting up bots:
Fedora Power!
It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...
Emoto won!
Emoto and Dante's Wedding:
After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:
Fire!
Hoping...
Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!
Looking to the...
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Zen of Nothing
There must be a certain Zen to being able to sit here...and clear the mind of everything...every worry, every fear, every atom of drama, every longing, every pain, every aching burning sensation...there must be a talent to clearing all of these from the mind...to be able to focus on the wind, on breathing, on hearing the fan whirl...
There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?
Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...
The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...
Interference.
There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?
Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...
The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...
Interference.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
"Babies Breath" - Brave Saint Saturn
Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you
Let's close our eyes till daylight comes
Baby's breath and chrysanthemums
So beaming blue these dreaming skies
In soundless sleep now close your eyes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Just close your eyes till daylight comes
I keep feeling that the strangest
Peace is all around
In the speechless, in this quiet
Angels never make a single sound
Sigh
Baby's breath and lilacs so profound
Falling down
Softest moonlight making garlands
Forms the crown
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you
Let's close our eyes till daylight comes
Baby's breath and chrysanthemums
So beaming blue these dreaming skies
In soundless sleep now close your eyes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Just close your eyes till daylight comes
I keep feeling that the strangest
Peace is all around
In the speechless, in this quiet
Angels never make a single sound
Sigh
Baby's breath and lilacs so profound
Falling down
Softest moonlight making garlands
Forms the crown
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you
"Nothing Matters Anymore" - Showbread
after all of this we've been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
we've been gladly exempt we are racked with contempt
and we happily wish you this hurt
my skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
my synapses shriek in the flames
yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
we've been loosed by our raging disdain
i'm gone, God help me i'm done
nothing can stop me, i'm done
no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
oh the stage that we soil, the plans that we foil
the joke that we play on the world
and you drown in the oil, all wrapped up in the coils
crushed under the stones that you've hurled
still we march through the tombs through the darkness and gloom
and we shatter the columns of bone
and the world she breaks for the lives that she takes
she weeps as she dies all alone
no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
the world is a husk to be peeled back and torn
my body a shell that now breaks
how i long to escape from the chains that i've worn
and hasten my greatest escape
and when i breathe my very last
don't shed a tear for me
discard the body that once was my prison
for i'll have been set free
and when the trumpets call us home and i am no longer bedded by pain
our tears will be forever dried for the author of life knows my name
so we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
we will die for the truth in our hearts
no force that exists will steal us from his hands
nothing will tear us apart
though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured we look beyond the obtuse
and the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
but her efforts are of little use
the annointed one has purchased our souls death is battered and lifeless before me
the truth rains down for the children of Christ and the truth has set us free
and through it all we rise when we fall
though the road grows more narrow before me
though we ache though we cry never break, never die
the one truth there is sets us free
we've been gladly exempt we are racked with contempt
and we happily wish you this hurt
my skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
my synapses shriek in the flames
yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
we've been loosed by our raging disdain
i'm gone, God help me i'm done
nothing can stop me, i'm done
no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
oh the stage that we soil, the plans that we foil
the joke that we play on the world
and you drown in the oil, all wrapped up in the coils
crushed under the stones that you've hurled
still we march through the tombs through the darkness and gloom
and we shatter the columns of bone
and the world she breaks for the lives that she takes
she weeps as she dies all alone
no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore
the world is a husk to be peeled back and torn
my body a shell that now breaks
how i long to escape from the chains that i've worn
and hasten my greatest escape
and when i breathe my very last
don't shed a tear for me
discard the body that once was my prison
for i'll have been set free
and when the trumpets call us home and i am no longer bedded by pain
our tears will be forever dried for the author of life knows my name
so we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
we will die for the truth in our hearts
no force that exists will steal us from his hands
nothing will tear us apart
though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured we look beyond the obtuse
and the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
but her efforts are of little use
the annointed one has purchased our souls death is battered and lifeless before me
the truth rains down for the children of Christ and the truth has set us free
and through it all we rise when we fall
though the road grows more narrow before me
though we ache though we cry never break, never die
the one truth there is sets us free
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Songs of Life
I can't believe I have wasted almost two years of my life here.
God I hate this place...so much.
Here.
Have a mix tape.
God I hate this place...so much.
Here.
Have a mix tape.
Stupid Little Kid
I am...so tired of being me.
Opening my mouth...giving thoughts and being judged.
Being seen and being processed.
Digitally and otherwise.
Rage, seething rage.
Unexpressed because of this mask.
Childish expressions only
marked in crayon on cardboard,
the removal no simple task.
Such a lonely task,
residing in plastic
and pretending porcelain in my home
fooling everyone
but me.
Carrying my heart in a metal casket
and hoping that the best is yet to come.
Just a little drawing
a few lines for a face
and not much else.
but I pity your sad grin
knowing you know
just as little as I do
and how it's all coming to end.
Opening my mouth...giving thoughts and being judged.
Being seen and being processed.
Digitally and otherwise.
Rage, seething rage.
Unexpressed because of this mask.
Childish expressions only
marked in crayon on cardboard,
the removal no simple task.
Such a lonely task,
residing in plastic
and pretending porcelain in my home
fooling everyone
but me.
Carrying my heart in a metal casket
and hoping that the best is yet to come.
Just a little drawing
a few lines for a face
and not much else.
but I pity your sad grin
knowing you know
just as little as I do
and how it's all coming to end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
