Could be worse but as always it could be better.
You know?
It is hard understanding you. No offense but you have the advantage in this one. I really do not like the way things have been going, how they have turned out. The feelings are becoming slightly desperate because of what feels like a growing chasm between us.
Wow, I just kind of realized how this has been like a roller coaster ride of sorts. The years we have known each other, You wishing to be so much closer and I have just spent years running away. In the moments I shut up long enough to hear you, I then get upset because you are wanting to work in your time...not in mine.
Do we even need to get into the areas of where I screw up life not just for myself but for others? The pain I have caused again and again almost feels like a noose that is slowly slipping tighter around my neck. How much longer until people realize I am not who they think I am? Lord, what the hell was I doing in ever thinking I could be yours?
It is crazy how none of this even remotely looks like I thought it would. My natural inclination would be to apologize for who I am, for every breath I have taken, for every thought and impulse to travel through my brain's synapses...but it isn't like that, is it?
My biological existence means just as much to you as the ψυχή that drives the core?
I am to tired from fighting an endless fight of suppression. I do not want to face this world anymore, could we just run away from it all? I think I can safely say I am tired of it all. If we can't run away could you at least help me find some stability in my mind, my emotions, my desires, my needs, my thoughts...this amalgamated mess of my being?
Please help me to find a balance of who I am and who You are?
I know I say that I love You, that these words are somehow supposed to convey the longings of a blackened heart...but I do love you. Every last effort put forth by this broken thing desires to be about you. I am sick to death of myself and my desires, my wants, me...me...me. This self infected madness I embrace just so I can celebrate me.
Please teach me, reduce me, I honestly beg you. Remove me from the equation and do the kind of miracle of life that is only done by you.
In the next fleeting moment when I curse life, despise others, desire death, wishfully lust and pour out my malice into a mold of hatred...please remember me. I honestly no longer know who i am but You, You are my beginning and my end. No more, no less I need You.
"Should you hurt yourself or simply sleep?
I shall collect myself after I weep,
And garb myself in ocean blue,
With no method of goodbye to you,
Should the marsh render a crane to cry,
And the sea suspend her gulls to fly,
I’ll lend myself unto their wings,
And hear the voice of Jesus sing,
No wish for he whose whimsy does soar,
No wish to sleep forever more,
No eye shadow as thick as paint,
No pigment pleads unto the faint
Forgiveness like a blanket of snow whispers like the wind does blow,
Beckoning unto the deep, offering unto the meek,
And there you lay in Jesus’ hands, resting there beside the lamb,
There will not be a circular piece to drive into a square shaped keep,
No hands to hold within my own,
No second soul inside our home,
We’ll walk beside the crystal sea,
Myself for my love, and my love for me"
-Showbread, "The Missing Wife"
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sick and Sicker
I have two modes of existence, sick and sicker.
Sick - I feel tired, fatigued, the normal back and neck issues and such.
Sicker - I have contracted something in addition to the normal aches and pains.
Today I am sicker. Curse you throat for hurting and God help me not to want to beat every smoker around me with a stick. Every time I go downstairs it is almost like I feel the second hand smoke running towards me wanting to slice and dice my throat. Hooray!
Sick - I feel tired, fatigued, the normal back and neck issues and such.
Sicker - I have contracted something in addition to the normal aches and pains.
Today I am sicker. Curse you throat for hurting and God help me not to want to beat every smoker around me with a stick. Every time I go downstairs it is almost like I feel the second hand smoke running towards me wanting to slice and dice my throat. Hooray!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Boom
Something I have always wondered about is why I am so sick so often. it isn't that I am the most healthy person, it is just I see people who's concept of healthiness is utter trash and yet they are not as sick as me. I won't bother saying that isn't fair because life is not but it is a frustrating thought all the same.
Another bothersome tidbit is the fact I can sleep about six-ten hours a night and still wake up completely exhausted and hurting. Isn't sleep supposed to fix some of that? Instead I get bizarre dreams that just remind me that I hate being asleep almost as much as I sometimes hate being awake. Well, not that I hate life per say, it is just there are some aspects of life I would be happy without.
Work I am looking at you with an angry glare and a desire to see you die the horrible death you deserve.
It is frustrating to be working a job to get 'experince' and nothing else. I am barely making a positive influx of cash and I am expected to work so hard for what is nothing better then a fast food job salary. I am not even sure how I got roped into this annoyingly stupid cycle.
Something else annoying, adults acting like childrean. That has been the hallmark of my life. Besides making me feel like God has a rather annoying sense of humor this has been nothing more then a nuisance. I freely admit I am being judgmental. It is frustrating growing up and being able to actually consider yourself more mature then the people you live with, simply because you are not the only screaming at others because of a selfish need to control (makes me think of a baby) or someone so addicted to chemicals that they make asininery seem like a talent (almost like one of the more annoying ninth graders I have had to watch at school). God, why the Hell do you have to have a marriage license but there cannot be some actual kind of regulation for people being allowed to raise or watch children?
It makes me physical sick to think that I have actually had a good life compared to a lot of people and the pain they go through. It makes enraged to think that so much time is wasted over such pointless emotions and feelings...I hate these memories and feelings and everything that goes with it.
Like a sulking child I wish God would just give me the complete silence and void of nothing that my immature and animal desires want. To be kept safe from all the messy entanglements and painful potential happy trappings of the word love. To be freed from the grating voices and demands of people just as lost and confused as me but are such egotistical asses that they instead flaunt about as if they are some pretty peacock we should fall down and worship.
I am repulsed by ego, by self righteous flaunting about, as if it some kind of a right. You know what, I annoy myself for the exact same reasons! It is annoying to be the ultimate example of what you resent and hate most in life! I am more immature and more imbecilic then any of the people I rant about.
I am more angry, more immature, more easily agitated, less able to mask my pain, less caring, more apt to get hurt, more open to being misled, more quick to trust the worse possible people, more quick to want to slam my head against the wall, quite likely to shove my head into a pillow to scream profanity, unable to trust people, unable to want and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, despising the term love and everything connected with it, I am barely able to suppress my mad laughing whenever I hear anyone make the rashly stupid statement that I live with my 'family', I hate those different from me, I have problems with accepting differences in myself, I am vastly insecure, I hate that clothing store and wish God would burn the place down, I am tired, I am sick, I still deal with depression, I hate being in the same room with 'family', I hate hearing their sounds, their presence, hearing them call my name, feeling like I am nothing more then a burden that would better off never having been born, I hate the fact I do not know how to love these people, I hate feeling so isolated from the world, I hate being so immature, so quick to judge, I hate how I forget that other people exist outside of me, I am sick to death of feeling feelings and desires that make absolutely no sense, I hate wanting to cry every time I hear some kind of reference to 'dad' or 'father', I hate how I ramble on like this, I hate using the word 'I' so much in every little thing I write, It is quite disgusting to me that I can't put others before me, I desire to love but I never follow through, I am tired of being in a band that can never do anything, I am sick of not being able to play bass like I know I can, I hate my sub par writing skills that do nothing but attempt to duplicate something I have recently read, I hate how all I seem to do is complain, I hate being under this black veil of pain and death all the time, I despise the fact that I have to mask myself in lies and fake smiles just so I can make it through the day and not feel like I am a burden, I do not like being insincere, I hate lying through my teeth just so I can make it through certain times, I hate sexuality, I really do not like having to deal with the repercussions of someone else making the bright decision that me being born would be a 'good' idea, I hate how this may actually be read by someone and the fact they are not going to be able to understand me more then a few unknowable conclusions really annoys me and makes me wish it were possible to better pour my soul out...not because I understand why I have to do this, why I desire to speak my mind and my soul and my being but because I have the desperate desire to express myself and have other people judge and criticize it...it is like some kind of sadistic masochistic and philosophical explosion of self pity and arrogance...pretension maybe?
Another bothersome tidbit is the fact I can sleep about six-ten hours a night and still wake up completely exhausted and hurting. Isn't sleep supposed to fix some of that? Instead I get bizarre dreams that just remind me that I hate being asleep almost as much as I sometimes hate being awake. Well, not that I hate life per say, it is just there are some aspects of life I would be happy without.
Work I am looking at you with an angry glare and a desire to see you die the horrible death you deserve.
It is frustrating to be working a job to get 'experince' and nothing else. I am barely making a positive influx of cash and I am expected to work so hard for what is nothing better then a fast food job salary. I am not even sure how I got roped into this annoyingly stupid cycle.
Something else annoying, adults acting like childrean. That has been the hallmark of my life. Besides making me feel like God has a rather annoying sense of humor this has been nothing more then a nuisance. I freely admit I am being judgmental. It is frustrating growing up and being able to actually consider yourself more mature then the people you live with, simply because you are not the only screaming at others because of a selfish need to control (makes me think of a baby) or someone so addicted to chemicals that they make asininery seem like a talent (almost like one of the more annoying ninth graders I have had to watch at school). God, why the Hell do you have to have a marriage license but there cannot be some actual kind of regulation for people being allowed to raise or watch children?
It makes me physical sick to think that I have actually had a good life compared to a lot of people and the pain they go through. It makes enraged to think that so much time is wasted over such pointless emotions and feelings...I hate these memories and feelings and everything that goes with it.
Like a sulking child I wish God would just give me the complete silence and void of nothing that my immature and animal desires want. To be kept safe from all the messy entanglements and painful potential happy trappings of the word love. To be freed from the grating voices and demands of people just as lost and confused as me but are such egotistical asses that they instead flaunt about as if they are some pretty peacock we should fall down and worship.
I am repulsed by ego, by self righteous flaunting about, as if it some kind of a right. You know what, I annoy myself for the exact same reasons! It is annoying to be the ultimate example of what you resent and hate most in life! I am more immature and more imbecilic then any of the people I rant about.
I am more angry, more immature, more easily agitated, less able to mask my pain, less caring, more apt to get hurt, more open to being misled, more quick to trust the worse possible people, more quick to want to slam my head against the wall, quite likely to shove my head into a pillow to scream profanity, unable to trust people, unable to want and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, despising the term love and everything connected with it, I am barely able to suppress my mad laughing whenever I hear anyone make the rashly stupid statement that I live with my 'family', I hate those different from me, I have problems with accepting differences in myself, I am vastly insecure, I hate that clothing store and wish God would burn the place down, I am tired, I am sick, I still deal with depression, I hate being in the same room with 'family', I hate hearing their sounds, their presence, hearing them call my name, feeling like I am nothing more then a burden that would better off never having been born, I hate the fact I do not know how to love these people, I hate feeling so isolated from the world, I hate being so immature, so quick to judge, I hate how I forget that other people exist outside of me, I am sick to death of feeling feelings and desires that make absolutely no sense, I hate wanting to cry every time I hear some kind of reference to 'dad' or 'father', I hate how I ramble on like this, I hate using the word 'I' so much in every little thing I write, It is quite disgusting to me that I can't put others before me, I desire to love but I never follow through, I am tired of being in a band that can never do anything, I am sick of not being able to play bass like I know I can, I hate my sub par writing skills that do nothing but attempt to duplicate something I have recently read, I hate how all I seem to do is complain, I hate being under this black veil of pain and death all the time, I despise the fact that I have to mask myself in lies and fake smiles just so I can make it through the day and not feel like I am a burden, I do not like being insincere, I hate lying through my teeth just so I can make it through certain times, I hate sexuality, I really do not like having to deal with the repercussions of someone else making the bright decision that me being born would be a 'good' idea, I hate how this may actually be read by someone and the fact they are not going to be able to understand me more then a few unknowable conclusions really annoys me and makes me wish it were possible to better pour my soul out...not because I understand why I have to do this, why I desire to speak my mind and my soul and my being but because I have the desperate desire to express myself and have other people judge and criticize it...it is like some kind of sadistic masochistic and philosophical explosion of self pity and arrogance...pretension maybe?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Tonight was odd because I felt closer to God then I have in the longest time. The message itself was convicting in the sense of a reminder that I have a responsibility for not just myself but for how others are treated. Being touched by the Father is in no way just a private event, it is like we are swept up and loved so that we can love others and help them to feel and see the love of Father.
I can talk about love, charity, purity of heart, sacrifice of the will, giving up oneself to the ever encompassing love of the Father...but none of it means anything unless there is a sacrifice...a trading of our selfish and worthless pride for love.
I am so absolutely sick to death of myself. My pride, my desire, my lusts, my hates, my problems, my depression, my tears, my hatred, my addictions and my self absorbed pompous asinine ways. But I have not been forgotten. I spit and rant, beginning every sentence about me...every punctuation about me.
But still I am loved. Nothing I have ever done, nothing I could do would ever make me worthy. Finding me in the worse possible way Christ reached down and wrapped his arms around me. Stepping down into the mud, the mire, the slime of this world he took on my pain as I spat in his face. The beauty of the love is matched only by the seemingly impossibility of it all.
"A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain
To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You"
-Blindside, "When I Remember"
I can talk about love, charity, purity of heart, sacrifice of the will, giving up oneself to the ever encompassing love of the Father...but none of it means anything unless there is a sacrifice...a trading of our selfish and worthless pride for love.
I am so absolutely sick to death of myself. My pride, my desire, my lusts, my hates, my problems, my depression, my tears, my hatred, my addictions and my self absorbed pompous asinine ways. But I have not been forgotten. I spit and rant, beginning every sentence about me...every punctuation about me.
But still I am loved. Nothing I have ever done, nothing I could do would ever make me worthy. Finding me in the worse possible way Christ reached down and wrapped his arms around me. Stepping down into the mud, the mire, the slime of this world he took on my pain as I spat in his face. The beauty of the love is matched only by the seemingly impossibility of it all.
"A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain
To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You"
-Blindside, "When I Remember"
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Third Time Out
My third day to substitute teach. It has been a month since my first two days so I am feeling slightly rusty...or perhaps that is the feeling of rustic?
Regardless I have been up since five AM because of going to bed so early last night because of a migraine.
Random thoughts...random thoughts...
I am not even sure what to write. So much of my material comes from being in pain and since I am relatively free of pain for the time being I am lacking in material to write about.
The heart still beats, it pushes blood through the physical being as the deeper spiritual core still pulsates with life. Despite the cold unassuming appearances a deeper fire still remains. Putting to death our preconceived notions of life, the heart defies our expectancy, the limitations we place on love, on peace and on life.
Father we need you here. Please.
Regardless I have been up since five AM because of going to bed so early last night because of a migraine.
Random thoughts...random thoughts...
I am not even sure what to write. So much of my material comes from being in pain and since I am relatively free of pain for the time being I am lacking in material to write about.
The heart still beats, it pushes blood through the physical being as the deeper spiritual core still pulsates with life. Despite the cold unassuming appearances a deeper fire still remains. Putting to death our preconceived notions of life, the heart defies our expectancy, the limitations we place on love, on peace and on life.
Father we need you here. Please.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Yeah.
There is a consistent drained feeling that keeps coming and going. Somedays it is physical, other times emotional and most every day it is at least spiritual.
My general want is to run away from it all. To find an outlet in the very act of retreating further inside...but the problem I face is where to run when I have reached my own personal inner limits?
The subtle solution offered by more and more people is the idea of drowning out ideas we do not like with chemicals. It may be irrational paranoia but it almost feels like a method of subtle mind control. Sure, I am the last one to say anything negative about this kind of thing (it's not like I of all people have EVER taken antidepressants... >_>) but how far is to far?
I can assume the general opinion is that those who are severally depressed on a regular basis are not normal. That there is some inherent abnormality about them that should be fixed.
Is that so? I do not attempt to say there is no pleasant or happy things in the world but I think ignoring reality with a blind sugar coated view of life can be even more dangerous then a person attempting to view life in proper perspective.
Plus other events from the other week will not leave my mind. I feel guilty, confused and generally just filled with slight turmoil. Dramatic words for sure but bottom line I would like to just do the right thing and not cause more hurt. That is what I hate the most, even doing the right thing still hurts people.
Yeah.
My general want is to run away from it all. To find an outlet in the very act of retreating further inside...but the problem I face is where to run when I have reached my own personal inner limits?
The subtle solution offered by more and more people is the idea of drowning out ideas we do not like with chemicals. It may be irrational paranoia but it almost feels like a method of subtle mind control. Sure, I am the last one to say anything negative about this kind of thing (it's not like I of all people have EVER taken antidepressants... >_>) but how far is to far?
I can assume the general opinion is that those who are severally depressed on a regular basis are not normal. That there is some inherent abnormality about them that should be fixed.
Is that so? I do not attempt to say there is no pleasant or happy things in the world but I think ignoring reality with a blind sugar coated view of life can be even more dangerous then a person attempting to view life in proper perspective.
Plus other events from the other week will not leave my mind. I feel guilty, confused and generally just filled with slight turmoil. Dramatic words for sure but bottom line I would like to just do the right thing and not cause more hurt. That is what I hate the most, even doing the right thing still hurts people.
Yeah.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Ack.
I wish hatred was a simple of a solution as it seemed and I was under no obligation by a higher power to show love.
Companies are evil or at least seem to have their interest higher then those of employees. Arson almost seems like a better way to make money.
I still do not know what you want for me to do. Okay, I admit I have ideas but COME ON ALREADY, what am I supposed to do with that? How does this pan out into anything I can try to actually live life with? How much more weary does my soul need to be before you will step in?
You know I want to quit. I'm sick of it, I want to quit in every way. I would appreciate being rescued by your love.
"Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me
Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
- U2, 'Love Rescue Me'
Companies are evil or at least seem to have their interest higher then those of employees. Arson almost seems like a better way to make money.
I still do not know what you want for me to do. Okay, I admit I have ideas but COME ON ALREADY, what am I supposed to do with that? How does this pan out into anything I can try to actually live life with? How much more weary does my soul need to be before you will step in?
You know I want to quit. I'm sick of it, I want to quit in every way. I would appreciate being rescued by your love.
"Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me
Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
- U2, 'Love Rescue Me'
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Yeah it is another day but does that really mean a whole lot? After last night what do you plan on doing? Is there anything really worth saying or doing that will change anything?
You want real change, you want a genuine broken heart that will throw everything away?
I do not know why you would look at me or want to care but you have. Do not take me as being an ingrate but I wish things could be easier.
All the same, thank you.
You want real change, you want a genuine broken heart that will throw everything away?
I do not know why you would look at me or want to care but you have. Do not take me as being an ingrate but I wish things could be easier.
All the same, thank you.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Note to self:
Short story involving person having a conversation with their personal demons. A whole book of collection of short stories type thing, in the vain of Screwtape Letters as it were.
Personal demons in the sense of some tangible spirtual entity. Not cheesy in the sense of a script reject for The Exorcist XII but in the sense of something Biblical, ala Legion and 'The Strongman'. Real personal problems induced by physical, emotional, spirtual pain as well as the day to day living in this world.
Two layers of exsistance physical and spirtual.
A gradual change of focus off the self and more of the general self problems.
Personal demons in the sense of some tangible spirtual entity. Not cheesy in the sense of a script reject for The Exorcist XII but in the sense of something Biblical, ala Legion and 'The Strongman'. Real personal problems induced by physical, emotional, spirtual pain as well as the day to day living in this world.
Two layers of exsistance physical and spirtual.
A gradual change of focus off the self and more of the general self problems.
Two Quotes of What is To Come:
"The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn"
-Martin Luther
"The devil ... the prowde spirite ... cannot endure to be mocked"
-Thomas More
-Martin Luther
"The devil ... the prowde spirite ... cannot endure to be mocked"
-Thomas More
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I feel distant from you as I hear others talk about you. It seems like a lot of people have no clue about who you really are. If anythign those who would proudly claim the title of 'Lost' know you better then the arrogant who speak your name so loudly but have never met you.
I feel like a jerk for judging them but I find it hard not to come to conclusions, much less negative ones. What is my role in dealing with the people? Saying Jesus loves them means as much as saying I am a large can of lemon Jello. You say that you call people to you, why do you not call more, why are those I see only moving further away? How much of it is you? How much of it should be me?
Why am I so far from you?
I wish I could sleep and be free of so much of life and this. I hate the thoughts that run through my mind...passions and desires for artistic expression but it seems like I can never make any of them be what they should be, you know? I'm tired of feeling needs for addictions. Certain people could move out of my life and I know it would hurt but it would be something.
My mind is fuzzy.
I feel like a jerk for judging them but I find it hard not to come to conclusions, much less negative ones. What is my role in dealing with the people? Saying Jesus loves them means as much as saying I am a large can of lemon Jello. You say that you call people to you, why do you not call more, why are those I see only moving further away? How much of it is you? How much of it should be me?
Why am I so far from you?
I wish I could sleep and be free of so much of life and this. I hate the thoughts that run through my mind...passions and desires for artistic expression but it seems like I can never make any of them be what they should be, you know? I'm tired of feeling needs for addictions. Certain people could move out of my life and I know it would hurt but it would be something.
My mind is fuzzy.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Please stay near me for in this moment only you know how desperately I wish to flee. No words I could speak will free the world of the pain it is in. I have fallen in love with my own voice and cannot command my own respect as I order these rocks to move.
The only thing I have to give is my heart and still that could never be enough. I cannot even believe these words I type because I know the place they flow out of...how little truth resides in this soul. Everything begins with 'I' and the only thoughts I give to others is whatever leftovers I have.
I am sick to death from the rotten taste of religion in my mouth and stomach. I want to throw up and be purged of this infection within me.
Hypocrisy in the beginning and in the end. It's not bad enough that I indulge my every desire but then I come crawling back to you begging for a piece of grace. Like you were nothing more then a cheap prostitute and your grace nothing more then a 'trick'.
You say again and again that you just want love, to love me, to have me close to you and I refuse to believe it. If I am not busy being a narcissist in writing on here then I am busy gorging myself in every way I desire.
This is a train wreck.
Please do not forget about me being here. I am broken and unworthy but please send me too.
"Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new."
-Five Iron Frenzy, 'Every New Day'
The only thing I have to give is my heart and still that could never be enough. I cannot even believe these words I type because I know the place they flow out of...how little truth resides in this soul. Everything begins with 'I' and the only thoughts I give to others is whatever leftovers I have.
I am sick to death from the rotten taste of religion in my mouth and stomach. I want to throw up and be purged of this infection within me.
Hypocrisy in the beginning and in the end. It's not bad enough that I indulge my every desire but then I come crawling back to you begging for a piece of grace. Like you were nothing more then a cheap prostitute and your grace nothing more then a 'trick'.
You say again and again that you just want love, to love me, to have me close to you and I refuse to believe it. If I am not busy being a narcissist in writing on here then I am busy gorging myself in every way I desire.
This is a train wreck.
Please do not forget about me being here. I am broken and unworthy but please send me too.
"Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new."
-Five Iron Frenzy, 'Every New Day'
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Soul on Fire
Seven things to say
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool’s old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way
Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have
The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore
A litter not born
A few. Just a few more
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore
The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way
See us weep it out TV
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea
We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool’s old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way
Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have
The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore
A litter not born
A few. Just a few more
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore
The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way
See us weep it out TV
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea
We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
I would desperately like to recapture the hope and feelings of the existence of something that could be called true love. Not the garbage of pointless lust and desire but honest to God head over heels love.
I know I am recapturing the love I have had before towards the Father...which is breath taking in and of itself. I had let religion cloud my mind and distract me from the fact that beyond this physical realm there is something deeper and more powerful then I could ever dream but at the same time my heart isn't whole, it is vastly incomplete.
I want to be able to desire love when all it feels I can do right now is smile and pretend that the idea of love doesn't scare me. I have always had trouble accepting who I am and where I am but it seems especially difficult now because of past experince.
There needs to be a clean break from myself and this renewal of my existence.
Not who I am or who I could be but becoming what I was destined to be.
I know I am recapturing the love I have had before towards the Father...which is breath taking in and of itself. I had let religion cloud my mind and distract me from the fact that beyond this physical realm there is something deeper and more powerful then I could ever dream but at the same time my heart isn't whole, it is vastly incomplete.
I want to be able to desire love when all it feels I can do right now is smile and pretend that the idea of love doesn't scare me. I have always had trouble accepting who I am and where I am but it seems especially difficult now because of past experince.
There needs to be a clean break from myself and this renewal of my existence.
Not who I am or who I could be but becoming what I was destined to be.
I Would Like to Throw Up Now
Hmm I am still feeling sick.
I made the mistake of eating lunch and not being careful with what I eat and so now I am feeling quite nauseated. Preprocessed garbage does not sit well with a stomach that would die if hit by a weak breeze.
On the other hand, is it me or has their been an insane amount of school shootings the past few days? Well, not just school shootings but random street violence, shootings at government buildings and the like.
God, it is so screwed up. I mean, sure it is something you would expect when your life outlook is that humans in general are infected with a mindless compulsion for self serving...but at the same time it is horrible as it is horrifying.
When you look at ow life is I have trouble taking many things seriously. Heck, I have trouble wanting to get out of bed because of how screwed up things are. Change is needed but how much can happen when it is so little and so late in the day?
Plus the pain in my stomach.
There is some hope for being able to work on some projects I am interested in but bottom line I question the dedication of everyone involved, myself the most. I honestly feel like I am terrified of success at even the most trivial level.
Here is a random thought: Most of the mental and physical diseases we're all dying of here in the 'civilized' world seem to be absent in less developed areas of the world. Stuff like cancer, depression, rampant heart diseases and the like seem to be by products of the life styles we create for ourselves. Gorging on horrible food with no nutrition as well as not having stable families can potentially be seen as contributing factors to why things are so screwed up.
If you put processed garbage into your body that is what you become. It doesn't matter if it's empty calories, unhealthy fats, pornography, music by Green Day or any other various unhealthy product. There is a balance for food, sex and fun but without a balance the effects can be deadly.
Narcissism!
How could I forget that dear old friend? Where are my manners?
It makes me want to hold up a mirror to see,
to show off what the world may miss.
But quite frankly, I am not sure how much I really care.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
I made the mistake of eating lunch and not being careful with what I eat and so now I am feeling quite nauseated. Preprocessed garbage does not sit well with a stomach that would die if hit by a weak breeze.
On the other hand, is it me or has their been an insane amount of school shootings the past few days? Well, not just school shootings but random street violence, shootings at government buildings and the like.
God, it is so screwed up. I mean, sure it is something you would expect when your life outlook is that humans in general are infected with a mindless compulsion for self serving...but at the same time it is horrible as it is horrifying.
When you look at ow life is I have trouble taking many things seriously. Heck, I have trouble wanting to get out of bed because of how screwed up things are. Change is needed but how much can happen when it is so little and so late in the day?
Plus the pain in my stomach.
There is some hope for being able to work on some projects I am interested in but bottom line I question the dedication of everyone involved, myself the most. I honestly feel like I am terrified of success at even the most trivial level.
Here is a random thought: Most of the mental and physical diseases we're all dying of here in the 'civilized' world seem to be absent in less developed areas of the world. Stuff like cancer, depression, rampant heart diseases and the like seem to be by products of the life styles we create for ourselves. Gorging on horrible food with no nutrition as well as not having stable families can potentially be seen as contributing factors to why things are so screwed up.
If you put processed garbage into your body that is what you become. It doesn't matter if it's empty calories, unhealthy fats, pornography, music by Green Day or any other various unhealthy product. There is a balance for food, sex and fun but without a balance the effects can be deadly.
Narcissism!
How could I forget that dear old friend? Where are my manners?
It makes me want to hold up a mirror to see,
to show off what the world may miss.
But quite frankly, I am not sure how much I really care.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
Meh
Words are sometimes not enough. Thoughts, emotions, feelings and the like for whatever reason go beyond the fumbling gestures of verbalized expression.
It would be very nice if one could simply state things the way they are but sadly life frowns upon such simplistic ways, seemingly at least.
It would be very nice if one could simply state things the way they are but sadly life frowns upon such simplistic ways, seemingly at least.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
So then, this is how it will be?
I cannot say I am ready but I want to get there. The desire of my very being rests in Your hands, nothing else can compare. Pass this life through the fire and the remainder will begin and end in You.
I do not know where it is exactly where we will go but I want to leave as soon as you are ready. Preparation, dedication, desire, will and the rest will walk hand in hand.
The time for being childish has passed away, the time I had for mourning the death of this world has long since past. The physical addictions will pass away but the one who is true will remain.
Please keep beside me and do not leave.
I cannot say I am ready but I want to get there. The desire of my very being rests in Your hands, nothing else can compare. Pass this life through the fire and the remainder will begin and end in You.
I do not know where it is exactly where we will go but I want to leave as soon as you are ready. Preparation, dedication, desire, will and the rest will walk hand in hand.
The time for being childish has passed away, the time I had for mourning the death of this world has long since past. The physical addictions will pass away but the one who is true will remain.
Please keep beside me and do not leave.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
It is interesting but you never really fight with someone unless you love them.
It is odd but as often as my relationship with Jesus is punctured with yelling, swearing, kicking of chairs and crying...it has never been better. Granted, the sooner I stop acting like a child the better things will be...but brutal honesty is something I hold dear.
Please wake me up.
It is odd but as often as my relationship with Jesus is punctured with yelling, swearing, kicking of chairs and crying...it has never been better. Granted, the sooner I stop acting like a child the better things will be...but brutal honesty is something I hold dear.
Please wake me up.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
