Meh at Being Human

Call me crazy but free will, being human, emotions, feeling, pain and etc are all completely and utterly over rated. As far as I am concerned the notion of contemporary dating practices was forged in the pits of Hell itself.

I am sick of drama, sick of people to immature to deal with themselves and most certianly tired of them affecting me.

So close and yet so far from 50,000 words...nanowrimo you will be mine!

I Don't Like the Looks of Plan B

So far this life journey of mine has made no sense, furthermore I do not expect it to ever make sense and will save myself trouble in simply anticipating everything to become even more confusing and ever increasing in its nonsensical.

That said, the current boat I've been on for a few months is starting to take on a lot of water and things are not looking good.

I'm going to have to bail out or simply drown.

Happy Thanksgiving to all...

I'll be honest, I'm not huge on family oriented events. I have never understood how to act at one, what to do, where to be, what to say and how to say it. If I could genuinely be myself...smile, make corny/utterly mind blowing jokes, talk about random knowledge, understand the people I was around, felt like I was being understood...then that would all be peachy. But it's not, not really.

The question I ask myself is how much is my fault? Do I not want to be sociable? Am I just being a selfish little cry baby about problems that occurred years and maybe even almost decades ago?

Another question for the ages: Who am I, really? Am I simply defined by the perceptions of others? The individual failures and victories in life? The sum total of my entire being? Does any of this really even matter? Assuming it does matter, does it even matter that it matters (thank you for that little tidbit Marvin, you've always been my favorite fictional paranoid android)?

Don't misunderstand me, I am not simply trying to complain or say stuff simply because I can. These are legitimate thoughts that run through my mind at any given time through any of the time I dwell at this house located in the middle of nowhere.


As a kind friend of mine pointed it out, I need actual legitimate fellowship of some kind. Can you buy those in six packs at Wal-Mart? I find it rather odd how we seek to replace genuine human contact with this lovely digital universe in front of you. I'm not sure how much is intentional and how much is the bastard child of commercialism but it seems like genuine human contact is going down with the advent of the digitalized.


There really is no need to get excited, really. No need for deep and meditative thought. It's merely a day to rejoice and give thanks for things we do not realize are around us. It'll all be okay as the hours roll by and the lives we live continue to slip further and further away from our grasps.

Um, on a happy note...uh...um...I like...books?

To Write List:

In an effort to keep track of the growing number of things I want to write about I'm going to keep a running tally of the works I would like to work on at some point, assuming I have enough time at some point.


Essays to be written:
-A rather large digression concerning the ideas of grace and as to why that is the polar opposite of the popular notion of religion.
-Expansion of the paper on Christian thought and Humanities
-Yet another self realized essay demonstrating the fact I am more aware of my own humanity then most other people would care to know.
-The spiritual associations of harder rock/metal.



Stories to be written:
-Current novel
-Novelization of Ghetto Zorro
-Interesting little story inspired by a particular mouse from the Chronicles of Narnia
-"Shadowy Shores", no clue what that is but you must admit it's an awesome title
-"Echoing Falls" Yet another neat title with no actual story.

Can't Sleep

*See the above title*

I would like to go to sleep now.

I do not want to keep thinking about thigns that are seriously bothering me and causing me to be at best, very irate.

I am tired of having things to complain about. Especially when the whole of my entire problem is myself.

Woo for insomnia.

Hmm

Naps do help...but still, I haven't shaked all of the negative feeling.

Today

I absolutely am starting to hate the moments in life where it feels as if I am waking up from a dream. I become aware of the insignificance of my person in the vast context of a rather large rock spinning about rather haphazardly in a very improbable universe of virtually infinite possibilities.

As odd as it is that I believe so strongly in purpose, in responsibility, in those seemingly trite things. Believing in simple yet intoxicating beautiful things. Believing that the sun will still rise after the darkest nights, believing in that new sun shining on morning dew covering roses, believing in naive yet powerful dreams of the innocence of childhood, believing that despite the horrid paths we often take that there is a love so much bigger then we could dare hope to dream of.

There is the ever present belief firmly rooted in my mind...yet when you try to paint these beautiful thoughts against the cold and apathetic canvas that our world so often is...I can barely remember who I am.

The vast coldness threatens the heart, seeks to encase it with it's apathy and disillusionment. Even though I have always loathed the weakness of giving in I find myself at an impasse and i am simply to exhausted to go any further. I cannot even spare the luxury of looking at the view. I feel this deep seated need to sleep, to somehow let the soft darkness wash away these thoughts with sweet oblivion.

No more triple posting

I swear, if I post another huge document on here and on my other blogs again, someone please shoot me. Or better yet, give me something so I can fall asleep. A nap is more deadly then a gun with bullets.

It Is Finished

After six months of being screwed over I have officially finished and submitted what had better be the last paper I ever have to give to the University of Mobile. If I fail ZERO HOUR community service class for the FIFTH TIME regardless of what part of the globe you inhabit you will hear my anguished profanity laced screams loud and clear.

No ifs, ands or buts, this is it. I am done with my bachelor of arts in Theology and in Humanities. Hooray. I walked across that blasted stage six months ago so technically I could qualify to walk again this May with the original class I was supposed to graduate with. Should I fork out the cash and walk again? I mean, who else can say they have graduated from college twice for the same blasted degrees?

Don't get me wrong, I have missed most of you wonderful Mobile people but you know there just comes a time in most relationships where you just...you know...can't exactly...well, I guess what I'm trying to say...is that I'm having to break up with all of you.

This long distance torrid love affair has been hard on all sides if you will be honest with yourselves. It's hard to write and think about someone you don't see everyday and really...I promise, your the best people I ever knew at college (please ignore the fact this has been my only university i have attended >_>)

I couldn't forget you people if I tried and to quote Bilbo Baggins "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." Much love, many hugs and many happy returns.

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...you know, if it wasn't for the fact I already am living three hours north of Mobile that would actually seem sentimental or at least serve some kind of point. It's amazing of the useless things you do when you haven't slept in about twenty hours and have written for about seven hours non-stop.

Speaking of writing, I do think this has been the best paper I have ever had the privileged of writing. It took me all of these months and help from some special people but it is finished as best as it will ever be. I am always reluctant to share anything about my personal beliefs because I have this horrible habit of opening my mouth and shoving both feet into my mouth simultaneously.

Heck, anyone who is honest with themselves know they aren't perfect...but for whatever reason I feel compelled to live as best as I can...partly because I genuinely love people and do not want to hurt them and mostly because of the odd change in my life that love has wrought. Does the world need someone else throwing out their beliefs? Or do we need someone who is an 'honest' hypocrite?

I honestly have no clue. I look in the mirror and most days I see someone I haven't known for years...it's odd and surreal...but I think I am gradually coming to accept the fact that I am somehow this wonderfully odd assortment of broken parts slowly being turned into something truly beautiful. At least, that is my eternal hope and desire.

Well, without further adieu, I present my final paper for the good ol' U of M:

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Although there has been a tumulus history between Christianity and the field of Humanities, this has not always been the case. Christianity has never simply been an exercise of the spirit alone and neither was the study of the Humanities intended to be a mere exercise of one’s pure intellect. Both are intended to be holistic approaches to better understanding life as a whole, not just a single facet of the human experience.

The Humanities as a field has developed as being the study of the history of human thought. Included in this is the extremely broad spectrum of study in which the humanities encompass; included in this is everything from philosophy to literature, from art history to theology. This wide array of study is an attempt to better understand humanity as a whole and what is a person’s own relation to that whole. In other words this field of study makes an attempt to answer questions such as ‘Who am I?’, ‘Where am I?’, ‘Where am I going?’, ‘Who is God?’ and ‘Does He care?’

Christianity is intended to be an all encompassing worldview which helps believers to develop over time into what could be considered a fully Christ like person. Similarly the field of Humanities is concerned not just with deep thought but also on the historical, modern and contemporary interaction between people. Because a Christian worldview is intended to shape the entirety of a person’s life, the Humanities offer a vast pool of knowledge that can aide and complement in this endeavor.

The way in which a Christian worldview interacts with the fields of theology and the humanities is manifold. The fields of Humanity and Christian Studies themselves are two diverse and divergent fields of study that still have many overlapping areas. By choosing to study Humanities a Christian can expand his understanding of the different peoples and cultures around him. This becomes a vital resource because it is impossible to minister practically to those whom one does not have a basic understanding of.

Because of the field of Humanities covers such a broad array of subjects it proves nearly impossible to show its relation to a Christian worldview in such a short paper. However, Christians are not intended to be ignorant of the world of academia around them. Because of the timeless nature of God’s truth it is impossible for it to become irrelevant, despite the change of culture. However if Christians are not willing to learn and understand the culture that is growing around them then their approaches to ministry and relating the Word of God to the culture are doomed to become outdated and irrelevant. A few of the many important areas concerned with the humanities are philosophy, literature and history.

One of the most easily recognized branches of the humanities is the area of philosophy. Philosophy is defined as being “the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge and conduct.” (The Oxford English Dictionary) Also, the Greek words which make up the word philosophy help to expound upon its meaning. ‘Philo’ meaning love and ‘sophy’ meaning knowledge; one can then infer that philosophy is meant to be both the love and pursuit of knowledge. Simply put philosophy is the attempt to understand and apply truth.
Philosophy as a field of study was originally developed by the ancient Greeks. Arguably the most famous Greek philosopher, Socrates, once remarked “…that the life which is unexamined is not worth living...” (Kolak, 61) This famous quote is in and of itself one of the most fundamental ideas of philosophy. The thought process continues along with the idea for a student to be successful they should constantly and continually question what they are taught as well as their own cherished personal beliefs. If one is not willing to attempt understanding of why they believe what they believe then they are merely living a half life, not truly reaching their potential as a person.

Comparing these thought with a Christian worldview, Paul mentioned numerous times that Christians should test the teachings they receive and whether or not they line up with Scriptural truth. This fundamental idea is quite vital because of both well meaning yet misinformed teachers, as well as teachers who are deliberately attempting to deceive people so that they can grow their following, can easily mislead someone who is not well versed in why they believe what they believe.

In the first chapter of the gospel of John, the author uses the word ‘logos’ multiple times in the text. Depending on the translation one makes logos can be interpreted as ‘knowledge’, ‘wisdom’, ‘word, or ‘reason’. In his writing John identifies Jesus as being the incarnate ‘word’ or incarnate ‘idea’. The way this would be interpreted in the minds of the Greeks that read his gospel was that Jesus was the wisdom, word and reason of God that became human and dwelt among us. Truth itself was seen as having a corporal body and expressing itself as love and in the miracles of Jesus.

Philosophy itself has had a long and intertwined history in which it has been used to both argue for and against the beliefs of Christianity. From the writings of Justin Martyr to C.S. Lewis there is a long history of philosophy and Christian thought walking hand in hand. In fact, during the Middle Ages many writers such as Thomas Aquinas and Anselm of Canterbury held that Christian theology and Greek philosophy were compatible and so much alike that they were almost exactly one and the same.

While visiting Athens in Acts 17, Paul observed that the Athenians were very religious in nature as well as their customs. Eventually when Paul spoke to them he spoke of their ‘alter to an unknown god’ as well as quoted from a Greek poet in speaking with those at the Areopagus. In preaching the gospel he was better able to relate the gospel message because of his understanding of their religion and by quoting writings they understood.

Possessing this knowledge that he acquired from his studies he was able to present the gospel in their context, using language they are familiar with and ultimately relating them in ways that otherwise would not be possible. This highlights one of the more practical aspects of the humanities, namely that it increases one’s ability to minister and serve by opening doors that would otherwise be shut.

Another example of the practical application of the humanities was the life of John Wesley. He was well versed in the areas of mythology and other forms of literatures. “The Wesleyan Quadrilateral: a quadrilateral was literally, a four sided figure. The Wesleyan quadrilateral was the four sources we rely on for what we should believe and do. They include Scripture, tradition, reason, and experience. Of these, Scripture is considered primary.” (Yrigoyen, 109) The methodology that Wesley developed was a practical utilization of the idea that one should bring as many diverse disciplines into harmony with one another. It is the marrying of the different ways of thought that can allow one to better understand who they are and their relation to God’s will for their lives.
One way in which thinking as a Christian affects ones understanding of the humanities is that they will put God’s Word ahead of any work of man. One of the constant battles Christianity has faced has been the one of the intellectual battle field. There has been a constant give and take battle as to God’s existence and for the worst it has directed people’s attention away from God and upon the intellects of those involved.

This battle has become more of a seemingly endless intellectual debate, losing any true spiritual value because of the loss of focus. Donald Miller phrases it this way:
My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care ( Miller, 103)

When the intellect of the person is brought to the forefront it becomes an emphasis on pride and self bloated knowledge, not a focus on the wonders and glories of God. Christians cannot afford to be so caught up in their own pride that they neglect or at worse belittle non-believers because of feeling that they are somehow superior because of their beliefs and schooling.
Another way in which Christian thought shapes one’s interaction with the humanities is that Biblical knowledge is an integral aspect of understanding many literary texts. Older works ranging from Milton’s Paradise Lost and Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales up to more modern works such as Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange and Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 all contain numerous Biblical allusions that help to define and deepen the works as a whole. Without a reader having the necessary background reading in Scripture, then these great literary works would lose both meaning and impact. So it is to the Christians benefit to be aware of the effects Christianity has had on the literary culture around them.

For the Christian all real truth can be considered to be God’s truth. This fact enables one to be able to freely embrace the humanities with no fear of discovery. As Paul said “I am allowed to do anything – but not everything is good for you. And even though “…“I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything,” (1 Cor 6:12) Just because we have the freedom to learn does not mean everything we study in philosophy or the Humanities will be beneficial. But, just because some aspects are not spiritually edifying does not mean that all of the field of philosophy should be discarded. We should use bold discretion in learning all that we have access to.

Just as theology is the attempt to understand God, philosophy is an attempt to understand knowledge, the logos of the universe. Combined together in study they become a powerful tool in which a person can better understand who they are as a person and how they relate to the God who made them in love. With the betterment of that knowledge once can truly have a changed life that is changing the world.




Works Cited:

Kolak, Daniel. The Mayfield Anthology of Western Philosophy, Mountain View: Mayfield Publishing Company, 1998

Miller, Donald. Blue Like Jazz. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2003

New Living Translation. Carol Stream, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. , 1988

"Philosophy." Def.5b. The Oxford English Dictionary. 2nd ed. 1989.

Yrigoyen, Charles. John Wesley: Holiness of Heart and life. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1996.

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Comments? Suggestions? Hate Mail?

Feel free to visit nintene.blogspot.com

Godspeed my friends.

Going Slightly Mad

I am having trouble getting any writing done. I need more then inspiration as much I need something much deeper then I care to go into right now. Anyone feel like giving me some random plot lines? Some random dialouge? It's not that i am becoming lazy as much as I am just realizing no talent hacks such as myself have no buisness doing anything besides hiding in bed from the world. Speaking of which, I'm going to sleep. Now.


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Random stupid poem which wouldn't leave my mind for the past couple of days:

I Wish I Were a Tree

I wish I were a tree
For then I would never be
That which is known as me

I wish I were a tree
Simple perch to be
Whistling birds beside me

I wish I were a tree
Simply to be set free
Something besides me

Truly only God knows why I have had this stupid thing in my head the past two days…Be gone you annoying poem, be gone!

Progress

I am ridiculously behind in the word count but I finally broke the thirty pages mark. I've introduced almost ever major person in the book series. I introduced a deranged cult, a female Guardian that will be adding some fun oddness and I just managed to sneak in a few sentences about Nathan's sister.

I assume the cult is the one that is going to be trying to free the big baddie, the 'angel', if you will, is going to be the one relaying orders to Paul so that the group as a whole won't be totally screwed and Nathan's sister will have at least some minor plot points and some possible major ones depending or not on if I run out of ideas and have to kill almost every other major character with a rather large and very unexpected bomb.

Hey, it worked for Stephen King in "The Stand", right?

Insomnia Fun!

After what was about an hour nap I have been up and not able to fall back asleep. Why oh why must insomnia be such a monster? Where is the weapon that I might use in slaying this foul nemesis?

New Book Title

No clue what I am going to call this trainwreck of a book series that I am starting BUT I did think of a name for the next book I write that will not be related to this horrid literary experiment.

"A non Pilgrims Progressional Regression"


Bonus points to anyone that can name the books and authors I am making this a pun off of.

Mercy Killing

Is it to late to request that someone please shoot me and put me out of my literary misery?

I promise I won't tell on whoever does.


Things are at a GRINDINGLY SLOW PAINFUL progress. It is hard for me to work on my novel for a couple of reasons:
1.Life does not understand why this is more important then the rest of creation interacting with me
2.My back thinks now is a good time for it to act up.
3.Caffeine is becoming a very distant memory as I cannot remember where I stashed all of the Mountain Dew. Gatorade is good and all but it lacks that ZING that caffeine gives you. To quote Black Mage from 8-Bit Theater "Why it would take some kind of insane monomaniacal fiend to take pleasure in wielding the tapestry of creation to focus pure energy into reality through nothing more than my own will, the rush of electricity through my being, the power -my God, the power! IT'S THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALIIIIIIIIIVE!"


*coughs* I can quite drinking anytime I want to...


http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=010505

Super Desk of Doom!

After receiving a special laptop shaped package in the mail today my writing has all but come to an end as I attempted to find the proper fungshway for my home 'office'. So in order to put off finishing a rather non-intense flash back scene I have decided to post pictures of the beauty.

As one can no doubt tell, I am a pack rat with just a little bit of everything. Just for kicks allow me to point out several objects of interest:

1.My laptop is being supported by all six of my high school annuals (you were right mom, I WOULD be thankful I got them one day)
2.Look close and you might notice a rather large and rather gaudy looking 1980's Bose sound speaker.
3.Feel free not to see the pill bottles...they are all prescription...mostly. >_>
4.Did you see the Christmas lights?
5.You can't tell the actual date but the Star Ward calender is officially almost 4 years out of date. Attack of the Clones wasn't the best nor worst Star Wars film after all.
6.Bonus points go towards anyone who can actually name any of the cd's I have all over the place.



























Now that I have wasted even more precious writing time, I'm off to write until I pass out!

Random Character Related Post

So yes, writer's block does indeed suck. In case anyone in the audience was wondering, writer's block is the bane of my existence (along with Green Day but that is another story in and of itself).

So i think I have come up with a rather neat plot device. So I was planning to obviously have our heroes fail the mission of trying to save the world but in addition to this insult what if there really WAS a group of people destined to save the world BUT they get killed about ten minutes into the story. Horrible huh?

So here is the list of characters I have so far:

Good Guys (and Gals to not be sexiest):

-Nathan Peterson: The main protagonist of the story who starts off the story asleep and comfortable in bed. Although not an over achiever in any sense of the phrase, he is still a good and kind hearted person concerned with helping who he can. He is slightly aware of his existence of being important and that he has some sort of innate power he has only a small grasp of.

-Paul Manning: This is my Zaphod Beeblebrox esque character. Although Paul is slightly more competent and slightly less of a narcissist there are still some common character traits. Both are utterly incompetent, have the future of millions riding on their shoulders and are only useful after they have consumed vastly incomprehensible amounts of alcohol.

-"The Organization": This is a rather unoriginally named group that has existed for a long, long, long time and is charged with the responsibility of preventing a certain evil entity from being freeded and raining death upon the earth. Boring job really.

-Doug Brementon: Friend of the main character. A sort of last second addition to the story. So far he has woke the main character up and dragged him to a field to show Nathan a vision that wasn’t there. I assume Doug is going to continue to keep seeing things or may just turn out to be a villain who screws the lot of them over. Oh wait…did I just type that out loud?

-Jillian: A girl who lives in the same town as Nathan and the others. She works at a coffee shop that they like to frequent. She can blow stuff up with her mind. So far she has developed as being Nathan’s main love interest, assuming I go as far as to incorporate something as trite and overblown as romance. Who bothers to include that lovey dovey crap in stories anymore? Didn’t that die out with the Romantic period?

-Jermias: Best friend of Nathan and slightly off the wall. He has the characteristics that most best friends have. Um…he is also one who has odd powers and such and stuff.

-Emma Peterson: A character I invented while driving around today. She is the older adopted sister of the main character. They have a close friendship that borders on unbelievability. Plus, since I suck at writing female characters I’m going to save myself some trouble and just make Jillian and her friends as well. Oh yes, the easy way out!

Bad Things/people/entities:

-Maltalvos: The main villain you may not get to see very much of. He is a fallen Guardian (one of those angel like beings who were charged with protecting the various worlds) that was sealed away on earth in a stasis of sorts. He isn’t very happy about having his plans of wanton destruction interrupted and so he would be quite happy to get out.

-The Cult: So far an unnamed group that seek to free the evil guy.

-Hooded Figures: Members of the cult that wear robes with hoods. Go figure.

-Main Leader of after mentioned cult: A cheery lunatic that simply wants to motivate his followers to shoot for the metaphorical stars of absolute evil and wanton destruction. Honestly, is that really to much to ask for out of life?

Some words of advice on Windows Vista...

DON'T!





That is all. Thank you.

Funny Little Dreams of Hope

Wanting to write, wanting to be a writer and actually writing a novel and being a writer are all separately intertwined concepts.

No clue why but I am trying to write a comedy about the end of the world. Partly inspired by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, my own personal narcissisms, a few ideas I am sure I stole, the many hours I've spent reading books and playing games and all written to a soundtrack of music of which is of questionable origin.

It is a rather bleak idea to start with but I plan on having the heroes be a lovable bunch of screw ups that only manage to make things worse and inadvertently releasing what is to be the universal cosmic destroyer.

There is the rather aptly named organization called 'The Organization' that knows about the plot of releasing Maltalvos (the after mentioned universal cosmic destroyer) and they have existed for ages to prevent his followers from opening up the gate and letting the bad boy in the plane of existence of which the earth resides on.

You see, in addition to the physical world of earth of which we so comfortable know and live in, I make the lovely assumption of an finite universe with even more infinite potential of existence in many so ways. For example, in addition to the normal world we have there is the idea of that the world is dual in nature, physical and spiritual. The main sentient inhabitants (that would be me and you dear friend) exist as the physical we know so well about but we are also soul. We are an awkward amalgamation of flesh and spirit. As CS Lewis put it best, humans are quite amphibian like in that we exist in both at once without ever fully realizing the unique miracle of life that holds our breath and thought intertwined.

There is indeed both heaven and hell in my story but because of the headache it would take to introduce every single concept I will be keeping those mostly in the background. Also in the background reside hundreds of millions of planes on which reside thousands of unique universes that contain billions upon billions of star systems each with their own unique form of reality that conform to their own rules of existence that were set forth by their creator.

However, to keep my migraines at a minimum we will be focusing mostly upon what we like to commonly call earth and the misfortunes that will be set upon her and her inhabitants.

Eons ago there were wars among the whole of creation because of the rebellion of several chief guardians that were originally charged with the task of protecting and watching over these different planes of existence. As you might have guessed this battle came to a climax on the little rock we like to call home.

Through the combined efforts and sacrifices of many powerful Guardians and almost the entire race of people called the *Insert important and cool sounding named* they were able to seal off old Maltalvos into what is basically just a pocket dimension. Quite by himself and quite upset he is trapped there until he is freed or the universe just winds down. Quite obviously the later would be boring and so the former will happen. Hooray for all Hell breaking loose!

Although his forces were scattered and mostly destroyed enough remain that they are able to begin corrupting the denizens and drawing them to their side. You kinda have this unsettlingly evil that is not visible to the normal human eye influencing and shaping history until they are able to gather enough power to free their master and bring chaos to reign!

Or something like that.

The Organization sends a guy known as Paul Manning on a mission to collect a small group of 'chosen ones' that hopefully will be able to combine their talents/powers/unique culinary skills to oppose the forces of darkness and stop them. Of course by the end of the book this will all have proved to been futile because of a long list of very clever betrayals, unexpected plot twists and multiple cases of rampant food poisoning.

Or at least that is the plan I have in my head. Doesn't sound funny but I think it might turn out funny. Or at least as a rather large paper weight.

Why Must We Limit Ourselves by Funny Little Things Like a Title

My heart is torn apart by the sights, the smells, the cries and the bitter charades of broken lives.

We mask ourselves in cloaks of convenient lies. Our hearts never stray, only just far enough away, so that we can never feel what is true. Following fancy over flight and under our souls twilight we bathe in this refuse.

How horrible, how dreadful, how terrifying it all is in its grand immensity. A world we view as broad strokes, hazy images so we will never inconvenient ourselves with the novel notion of individual humanity. Prejudice held group think is much easier to dismiss, if we bothered to look past our own arrogant snobbery we might begin to see the blood splattered walls and refuse littered streets; the open sewage of souls and lives ripped open and preyed upon by demons.

So much easier to be our own little clockwork pets with little knobs and gears. Mechanical in nature so that when we break we can be replaced at a penny rate.

If we do not quickly drown ourselves in our sorrows we are just as quick to drown ourselves in any indulgence which may act as a placebo, if not just a quick way to avoid our own mirrors.

Who enjoys looking at themselves? We paint a pretty picture so that when we look in the mirror we do not have to see the world reflecting behind us. The mass carnage reminiscent of the lower levels of Hell doth not provide a comfort to our downheartedness, truth merely an inconvenient construct formed by the close minded and self righteous. Any aspect of lie for which we fight for and die for on a daily basis is alright, just as long as we do not forget to wrap the world around my shoulders. My life, my death, my righteous, my path, my pain, my pride and my pillar of salt.

Bad Time For a Life Crisis

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I need to change my life.

Yes I do realize I was supposed to let this novel writing change my life. Yes...yes...yes...your right but at the same time it's just...what is the point of putting a band-aid on someone who just took a visit to the guillotine?

A good bit of the time I am not even remotely sure as to what it is I would like to do with my life and the other half becomes convoluted if I stare at it to long. Basically I just sit here and think so much that I freak myself out and forget what it is I am even trying to do or why i am trying to do any of it.

Narcissism has never been more of a self headache causing force.

I am quite tired of that little bit, the whole 'me' obsession. Literally and figuratively speaking I am so tired of this mess. This mixed up and confused bits of me, the decaying pain that has a death grip on this world, my own broken desires that are Hell bent on killing me one way or the other; talk about having issues.


Inspiration is a tricky thing at best and when it comes down to it we all have to live. inspired or not we are all here and have to play with what ever hand fate deals to us. Not exactly the most happy thought but it is the truth. There are variables in life we cannot and we should not be able to control. However there are many more for which we can choose about what to do.

The choice to choose is a difficult one. From personal experince it is much easier to react instead of simply choosing to act. Genuine action requires genuine motivation which requires an effort that those who depressed find lacking. But even with the lack of motivation there is still a choice. As a short and green muppet once said: "Do or do not. There is no try."

Depending for the person it is much easier to fool themselves into complacency with pretending things will get better or simply fix themselves.

Art requires determination and risk of failure. Art requires we open up ourselves in ways that cause our inner most self to bleed out onto the page; a pouring of the soul into the forge of creation.



I honestly cannot even remmeber what my point was in writing this:
Um, life is not so bad?
Do a good deed daily?
What goes up must invariably fall back hitting you squarely in the face?

Perhaps a fine mixture of it all.

Things Look Slightly Hazy Over Being Highly Screwed

I am behind in a lot of things, needless to say my novel. I am cutting off as much contact as humanly possible and I am going to try and force myself to work on everything today.

Greek, paper and then my novel.

I would rather set the books on fire then look at the first two. I had no idea what to expect about seminary but the more I think about it the more I do not like it. I do not even know why I am there or why I am bothering getting a masters in an area that I just don't even really care about anymore.

Well the apathy is wide spread to most areas of my life to be honest. Music has lost its fire, food is rather bland, words no longer resonate with meaning and my heart has all but collapsed in a helpless heap that shrugs in defeat every time I poke it with a stick. It was the best of time and the worst of times, clichés are flying out so fast it may poke someones eye out.

Life with no meaning is a suicide waiting to happen. No human being can survive very long without having kind of either innate or overt purpose. Living is a struggle but a struggle that I am going to suppose is worth enduring...or even better overcoming.

Thought of the Day:

Have you ever just woke up one morning and thought "Today would be a good day to fake my own death and collect the welfare checks as my own widow?"

Just a thought you know.

No Time For Rest

I have been much busier today then I have expected. I have also encouraged 200% more migraines than I thought could happen at this point during Nanowrimo. Quite honestly I am tired and ready to be rude to nearly anyone who wishes to have any form of contact with me. Yet, tiredness is not an excuse.

Nothing ever worth having came easy. That being said, screw you social life!

To soon for me to be picking favorite parts?

"One of the many ironic aspects of life is that what we are looking for most desperately always has a way of showing up when we least expect and least desire it. That being said the end of the world is an event few people could call themselves ready for or really all that anxious to see. Therefore those most likely to know about it first are those least likely ready to be prepared to do anything about it. A curious phenomenon that has plagued mankind ever since the first prehistoric super hero was unexpectedly bested by the first prehistoric super villain. Ugh just never saw that rock coming."

Being a narrator is so fricking awesome.

For all of those who wanna be a Rhodes Scholar...

...this may help.



http://www.d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y.com/

Goooooooood morning Nanowrimo!

So I didn't sleep much (for those who have been on pins and needles worrying about the fate of your beloved writer) for whatever reason. I was asleep before or around 2AM and woke up at 7, right on the dot.

I'm currently working up the energy and focus to write. I have a glass of water, glass of Mellow Yellow (I will shoot the first person to hum that annoying song)a a banana and 2.5 mini chocolate crunch bars and I have what would be the equivalent of a shot glass size drink of my Starbucks white chocolate mocha from last night, good to the last drop.

I am rather suprised I was able to jump ahead so fast and already break a thousand words. However the annoying doubt is starting to creep in. That is why I have my text like this in my novel:

As it were our story begins on a day that was quite similar to most days but in fact it was not just another day.

See it? That is part of the genuis. That really is the first line of my novel that I have unveiled to the world. Be in awe. Fawn over it, love it, shower it with praise and me with wheelbarrows of cash...most importantly go out and preorder two dozen copies of my book that doesn't even have a name!

"Why?" A sane person might ask because it is me, says I to you silly logical people.

But first, I must do some meditating and the proper amount of self loathing so I can get into the spirit of things.

Enough is enough for now

Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it's gone right to my head...

Amazing how coffee saps my strength. I have been staring into space for about an hour. Nappy time. I'm ending at 1013 words. Sleep. Good. Now.

One Hour and Eleven Minutes Later...

I broke the one thousand word mark and I am AT 1,013 words!!

Only 48, 987 words left to go and I will have beaten this contest like Jack Bauer trumps Chuck Norris on any day of the week!

-----------------------------------

So far I have introduced two characters, Nathan and Doug. There is a plot line about the end of the world and hints about Nathan liking some girl named Jill. I think there could be implications.

Back to work!

Leaving on a metaphorical jet plane...

"At midnight tonight the train departs.
Fifty thousand words.
Thirty-one days.
An unforgettable ride."

For those who have known me for any amount of time they know I love to read and I most certainly love to write. In about a half hour or so I am embarking on a harrowing mission that is absolutely insane. I will be joining approximately ninety thousandother brave souls in the journey of writing a fifty thousand word novel in the month of November.

Crazy? Yes.
Insane? Better believe it.
Bad idea? Oh brother is it.
Any looking back? Not on your life.

If my post earlier today didn't get people wondering about my current mental state it is safe to say I am throwing the baby and the bathwater out at the same time. I would go on with more metaphors but I am sure you get the point.

Friends and random people that I have no clue how you ended up on my friends list; wish me well and good luck because I will need it. As much as I love using the phrase "I will do this or die trying" I am quite serious. All or nothing. I've wanted to write for years and finally I will see what happens when I try.

Feel free to harass me and check up on me as much as needed. As progress goes I will be posting more. Until then, hasta la escribir!




P.S. For those interested the website for National Novel Writing Month is:

www.nanowrimo.org