Quote of the Day

"All these evils I have fought, while you have done nothing but observe! True, I am guilty of interference. Just as you are guilty of failing to use your great powers to help those in need!”
— The Doctor

Geekery and Halloween

For two glorious hours I stood in the Doctors shoes at this bizarre crossways of faith and geekery.

Actually being noticed, complimented, encouraged and all of the worldly (or maybe not always) stuff I try so hard not to want because I never know where the line is....all the way I was being the hands and feet of Jesus by trying to help organize some stupid and frivolous way to help raise food for the hungry when I either can't get a real job, a single fucking hour at work or even manage what little money gets put in my hands.


So much irony.
Help others.
Can't even pull my life together.
Feels the harder I push the harder I'm pushed back into the ground with force.
Demons screaming in my face.
Making me feel every nerve cell in my body scream in pain as I just do NOT know what to do.




I wore a mismatched pairing of vest, shirt, trousers, shoes, hat, curly hair and 12 foot long scarf and I realize how much I hate my normal everyday life.

How painful existing can be.
I just want to be special and have meaning.

To wear this scarf and people KNOW who I am, the encouragement and smiles and actual shared laughter instead of just feeling like total and incomprehensible garbage.


Meaningless garbage.

I am so alone.
So scared.
And hurt.
Lonely and need a hug.
But so scared of it all at the same time

The most frustrating thing about being upset is realizing the futility of it.
Raging.
Crying.
Sobbing
Punching this stupid pillow.
Meaningless.
The pain continues.
And hurts so fucking badly.

Cards, costumes, geekery, a chance to be Jesus to people who couldn't care less and yet somehow I was able to make an impact.

And I feel so powerless.

It was a mini-con and I can't even afford the gas money to drive back after having to leave early. It is so frustrating and NOTHING can change reality.

Nothing can change the fact it's over and gone for me and here I am stuck with this present that I never asked for or wanted but here it came as some unexpected delivery and I am supposed to seize it.

How?

How do I open the package and door of positibility when I didn't even want it in the first place?

My life hurts.
My soul aches.
It burns and screams to be finally free of Sin which is rotting me from the inside out.
And one day be free.
Be made whole.
No more of this emptyness.
This neediness.
This collapsing.
This sickness.

But never ending intimacy and joy.
One day.
One day.

Return to Ravnica, New Doctor Who, History of the Reformation...geekery...over...load... @_@

Sickly Cleaning

Cleaning while having pneumonia is not QUITE as exciting as it sounds.
However listening to "I Am the Doctor" from Doctor Who makes things infinitely more exciting than they would be otherwise.

Quote of the Day:

“Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.”
-The Third Doctor