Belonging

To say I don't fit in is anunder statement. Far as back as I can recall I have been this...thing.

Cannot call it living or dead...just some barely hanging on and broken garbadge.

Is it true?

I suppose it doesn't matter because if you tell a person something, anything really, for a long enough then they believe it.

Post Scripts in the Breeze

Far from being back open for business I just felt a need to post that, for the time being at least, I am still alive.

Regrettably so, but no use crying over spilled milk or my inability to just die, nay?  

It feels as if I have continued to falter and sputter beyond what was supposed to have been my expiration date five years...or maybe it was ten...sometimes I think all twenty seven years were a mistake that has yet to be put right...

And I still live.

If you call having lost the jobs, place in school, relationships, the respect and dignity that I used to help barely give myself meaning with.

A half or even a tenth of a life pretending up be whole is something. By all rights and means no one is stopping me from  making new life and purposes...except for that pesky person called Myself.

I cannot decide how this will end yet.

If it will go on or just end abruptly and violently.

I keep getting reminded about how much I matter and how much I am loved...but I do not and have yet to find a reason from within to live. 

I am healthy just enough to know I am sick.

I keep trying to get help and establish some means of stability but quality of life will ever be possible when I have such insane impulses and thoughts?

I will either get stronger or eventually this will crush me one way or the other.

I know Truth.

It has just not been real to me for a while...not a loss of faith but  a loss of perspective and ability to consistently feel these weird things people talk about....joy, love, compassion, friendship, companionship.

One moment I am numb beyond expression and then everything flow back in sub loud and vivid tones it causes me to scream in pain.

There are a number of people who care.

Some who will even read this.

I have no idea what I am supposed to say, feel, act or do. I can barely hold together and pretend I am human in the most basic of ways.