Psalm 34

"Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need."
-Psalm 34:8-9

It's so hard to focus...to find a quiet place...to come here at all.
Why do I keep this stupid blog?
Why do I write personal spiritual junk for the world to see?
What was I thinking back in 2007?
Public accountability was a good idea?

I doubt.
I ache.
I feel.
I fear.
I want.
I need.

God is "I am", He IS.
I am here.
He is.
There is such a divide.
Even with Christ bridging the gap and carrying me.
I falter.
I fall.
I hurt.
I cry.
I need.
I ache so, so bad.

I feel harassed, pushed about and overcome by these waves.
This little ship is so close to capsizing and then what?
Am I to be lost to the waves?
I feel like Job so much but now it is Jonah.
I know this storm is for me.
I just do not know if I am going to drown.
Or if you will rescue me.
Jesus was three days in Hell just as Jonah suffered three days in the stomach of the fish.

Where am I to go?


"Darkness can't perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
and though its wings may cloud the skies,
the dark shall never overcome.
Light of the World,
Your love, has never failed.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
Daylight.
Save Me."


I need Your refuge.
I need Your grace.
Despite what seems my ability to screw up it all.
Everything I am, everything I will be, everything I can be is rooted in You alone.
You and I.
I and You.
This Love.
Burning Hope.
Peace beyond understanding.
Eternal Love with no bounds.

Father & Son

Somethings will never be.
The finality of life
crashing into death
and the painful beauty
of having to move.

There will never be
nor could there
exsist a picture perfect moment
to speak and say:
"I love you"
"Goodbye"

The time we have is the time we have,
beauty and pain,
wonder and hope
tragedy and life.

Sometimes there is a last hug.
Mostly the shades and whispers of night
as they pull
and grasp with slender tendrils
pulling time into the endless empty void.

Nothing is forever
but nothing was created to be.

Instead is hope and fear.
Hope for love.
Fear of love.
Hope of failure,
fear of success.
Such twisted views.

Love wins.
Endures the night.
Pierces the stone heart
and burns through the void.
Taking this pain
and telling you the words
I can never speak,
saying
"I love you."
thought I never really knew you.

Such impossible ways, means and hopes.
That this is not the end.
Fading flesh and broken hearts.
Idiosyncratic words refusing to rhyme,
hurting as they pass from lips to air
but hoping they can pull
and drain
years of frozen bile,
help pull out the pain
so I can begin to breath,
to laugh
to cry
and maybe just smile.

"Et il est un jour arrivé
Marteler le ciel
Et marteler la mer

Et la mer avait embrassé moi
Et la délivré moi de ma caille

Rien ne peut m'arrêter maintenant"