Again, Again, Again

Why bother?
That needs an answer.
No more dodging the question.
No more hiding behind people.
No more of the shadows.

Just another cut
more feedback
coming through your speakers
as you look dumbfounded,
I guess the world wasn't your oyster?
Maybe it'll open up
and you can collect the dust
that was never a pearl.

But it's not like it's different,
nothing except repetitions
as I gaze out the window
of the concrete tomb
I call my home away from home.
Never will the night last,
but that doesn't mean much
except that most of us won't make it out.

But Home,
sweet and beautiful Home.
The one place I have never seen
but the place I have been looking
and crawling to
all of my life.

I may spend all my time,
waste all my blood and
shed my tears
but I will never bow to you.
Silly little wooden idols
you lost my attention
just as soon as everything happened.

Digressions

What to know
what to see
what to feel
what to be
what to care
what to have
what to touch
what to hate
what to love
what to destroy
what to build
and everything you wanted me to be.

Shallow anorexic shadows dance
just vapid images on the wall
as the light reflects
and illuminates
making us all wish to flee
from the righteous wrath to come.

Wow how I hate food.
So much.
So so so so sooooo much.

I feel so tired...this semester feels like it has been longer than a month...more like several years.

Maybe I will graduate this spring...that way I will never have to step foot in this city or at this school again. That alone is something to look forward to.

I just am having trouble looking beyond the incredible amounts of pain I am in today, how I just don't know what to do...how to deal with being in so much pain...feeling so...disjointed and out of place.

How much...really matters that I try?
What in my life...is actually worth doing?
Anytime I can sit here and not be in pain feels like borrowed time I am rapidly running out of.

Oh well...people are people.
Can't really expect them to do anything except serve their best interests at the end of the day.
Sometimes they will surprise you by moving beyond their inner drive for self preservation...but it is certainly not something ever worth holding your breath over.

All of creation is slowly unwinding...as the world falls apart from the inside out.
This sort of...radiant decay as it were.
There is some good to be seen in it, much good when you dig deep.
Just...a good potion of hope seems to be based on willing blindness and building upon the misery of others...which is tragic in and of itself.

Progress that destroys, breaks and corrupts is never progress.
Just lightly veiled sin.

-Galatians 3:13-14

"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.” Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-Galatians 3:13-14


I."But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law."
-The law was the guide to the Israelite, the Jewish nation, that they were given after the Exodus from Egypt and camped at the base of Mt.Sinai. God gave Moses the law of what was expected of the people if they wanted to join God in a covenant, a marriage of the people to God that was a fulfillment he had made to their ancestors.
-Humanity has been divided from God, from grace by choosing to ignore God and in fact act against him and one another. God told Adam in the garden that to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil would mean that he would die. The consequence of sin is death, one cannot have sin and be with God because we would be destroyed.
-The law in a sense acted to show what we could not do on our own, even though there was a sacrifice system so that the Jews could have forgiveness for themselves, their families and as a nation the blood of the animals was only a temporary fix, it did not solve the ultimate problem of humanity being separated from God.
-However Jesus Christ acting as both high priest and the final sacrificial lamb opened a way for people to be fully reconciled and not have to face the ultimate punishment for their sin.


II."When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing."
-Acting as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins he took upon the punishment we deserved for acting against God and each other.
-He was the lamb slain so that the division between God and man could finally be filled.



III."For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”"
-This quote is from Deuteronomy 21:23
-Jesus became cursed for us so that we would not have to endure the full consequences of our actions.


IV."Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-

"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen "

Sometimes it seems that the only person I am successful at lying to is myself and I really am starting to doubt how good I am at that.