Friday, September 3, 2010
I have issues with facades...somethings seeming too good to be true...I'm not sure...may just be paranoia...and yet...I detect hints of...
Hrmm...
No need to judge on my part, just pray.
What more can you do to help someone who doesn't want help?
Or may not even need it.
That is the funny thing about being human...you never get the full picture of anything.
Hrmm...
No need to judge on my part, just pray.
What more can you do to help someone who doesn't want help?
Or may not even need it.
That is the funny thing about being human...you never get the full picture of anything.
"Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me
In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me
And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
Psalm 123
"I lift my eyes to you,
O God, enthroned in heaven.
We keep looking to the Lord our God for his mercy,
just as servants keep their eyes on their master,
as a slave girl watches her mistress for the slightest signal.
Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy,
for we have had our fill of contempt.
We have had more than our fill of the scoffing of the proud
and the contempt of the arrogant."
-Psalm 123:1-4
Mercy...such beauty, such wonder after a lifetime of trying to find perfection that can never be. I am so sick of trying to find something that isn't there...trying to beat myself to find a life that isn't there...and the bitterness and anger that comes from being disappointed with everything and nothing.
Can I let go?
I can I just let everything go?
Fall, fall into your arms and forget every pain and sin I have ever felt?
It is a new day, a new life, a new everything...and I just want to go back to sleep. Can that be my worship for now? Just enjoying another hour or two of sleep because I feel like crap?
I love you Daddy, I love you so much.
You are amazing and so beautiful to me.
I never know what will happens but even when horrible, horrible stuff happens you love me...and I can never thank you enough, worship or praise you enough.
Thank you.
Thank you for loving me as I am, not what I should be.
O God, enthroned in heaven.
We keep looking to the Lord our God for his mercy,
just as servants keep their eyes on their master,
as a slave girl watches her mistress for the slightest signal.
Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy,
for we have had our fill of contempt.
We have had more than our fill of the scoffing of the proud
and the contempt of the arrogant."
-Psalm 123:1-4
Mercy...such beauty, such wonder after a lifetime of trying to find perfection that can never be. I am so sick of trying to find something that isn't there...trying to beat myself to find a life that isn't there...and the bitterness and anger that comes from being disappointed with everything and nothing.
Can I let go?
I can I just let everything go?
Fall, fall into your arms and forget every pain and sin I have ever felt?
It is a new day, a new life, a new everything...and I just want to go back to sleep. Can that be my worship for now? Just enjoying another hour or two of sleep because I feel like crap?
I love you Daddy, I love you so much.
You are amazing and so beautiful to me.
I never know what will happens but even when horrible, horrible stuff happens you love me...and I can never thank you enough, worship or praise you enough.
Thank you.
Thank you for loving me as I am, not what I should be.
Random Explosion of Thoughts and Exuberant Gratefulness
Life can never be as simple as a story or song...sadly in ways...
However there is something infinitely more wonderful about how messy, screwed up and disgusting as humans finding redemption and being able to make even the simplest things work.
Friendship.
Playing games.
Talking about books over coffee.
I never have stopped to appreciate just how amazing it is to be able to work on homework together and laugh over small things.
Yes I am excessively negative because I look at the wrong things a lot of the time...I see the imperfections and what things COULD be...which is maddening...and will never lead to happiness...however friendships where people are allowed to not have everything together...that is something I would like to see.
In fact...the Society of Scapegoats should have something like that in it's manifesto. Perfection is not allowed in our meetings, activities or friendships...perfect people are banned and will be set on fire if they persist in coming.
There is nothing perfect in human existence...and the fact God not only desires us, but thinks of us, longs for us to be near in spite of that shows what an utter madman he is. He doesn't desire even the wicked to perish...even the worst of us...and how Jesus had true humanity...it is amazing, beyond amazing...just this visceral love...this painful love that makes my heart ache...and desire to just hug Jesus and cry out every last ounce of anguish joy inside of me.
I think I love U2's music so much because the songs capture emotion or a moment so well...this element of worship that transcends and makes my Christian mystic/hermit tendencies all happy, warm and fuzzy inside...
I don't even know what I am rambling about...except I am happy to be alive this very moment. I could have died any infinite number of times...and I love my mother, my friends, my dear sweet friends so very much...they are this collection of rag tag individuals all misfits from the church but all amazing in their own ways.
Who says we must be perfect?
Who demands it?
Humans demand it when God knows we can't do it?
How silly and futile.
Jesus thank you being so utterly wacky and insane to have made me and love me as I am. Do you know and realize how utterly screwed up that is? How insane and crazy I am? Do you?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
However there is something infinitely more wonderful about how messy, screwed up and disgusting as humans finding redemption and being able to make even the simplest things work.
Friendship.
Playing games.
Talking about books over coffee.
I never have stopped to appreciate just how amazing it is to be able to work on homework together and laugh over small things.
Yes I am excessively negative because I look at the wrong things a lot of the time...I see the imperfections and what things COULD be...which is maddening...and will never lead to happiness...however friendships where people are allowed to not have everything together...that is something I would like to see.
In fact...the Society of Scapegoats should have something like that in it's manifesto. Perfection is not allowed in our meetings, activities or friendships...perfect people are banned and will be set on fire if they persist in coming.
There is nothing perfect in human existence...and the fact God not only desires us, but thinks of us, longs for us to be near in spite of that shows what an utter madman he is. He doesn't desire even the wicked to perish...even the worst of us...and how Jesus had true humanity...it is amazing, beyond amazing...just this visceral love...this painful love that makes my heart ache...and desire to just hug Jesus and cry out every last ounce of anguish joy inside of me.
I think I love U2's music so much because the songs capture emotion or a moment so well...this element of worship that transcends and makes my Christian mystic/hermit tendencies all happy, warm and fuzzy inside...
I don't even know what I am rambling about...except I am happy to be alive this very moment. I could have died any infinite number of times...and I love my mother, my friends, my dear sweet friends so very much...they are this collection of rag tag individuals all misfits from the church but all amazing in their own ways.
Who says we must be perfect?
Who demands it?
Humans demand it when God knows we can't do it?
How silly and futile.
Jesus thank you being so utterly wacky and insane to have made me and love me as I am. Do you know and realize how utterly screwed up that is? How insane and crazy I am? Do you?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Good things, bad things, good things, bad things...life is a mixture and is never just one thing.
Confusion, growing migraine starting...hope.
Not hope in the immediate sense of things per say...although things are better...but hope that even though life never has resolutions...everything will resolve sooner rather than later...maybe not in this breath but possibly in the next.
Confusion, growing migraine starting...hope.
Not hope in the immediate sense of things per say...although things are better...but hope that even though life never has resolutions...everything will resolve sooner rather than later...maybe not in this breath but possibly in the next.
Quote of the Day:
"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything...the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."
— Anne Lamott
— Anne Lamott
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