This is shaping up to be a memorable week...I at least I keep my appendix for now. I wonder what else I can either loose or get rid of before we hit September?

Falling into Sleep

Scratching echos
and vivid times,
split across worlds
and found again in this room.

I feel the life bleeding out
and I wonder why,
just why it was tried
when full well knowing
it couldn't, shouldn't
and never would work.

Periods of time wrapped in dimensional space.
I am sick of everything as it is not
and the forced delay of climax.
If I have my Jesus
why would I care about being married?

I wish relationships of all sorts were indeed for the weak
because I am so tried and too tired
to bring any of it together.

So much medication, so much pain, so much fear...
and it is just you and me here...what matters if others see?
Maybe it will either drive to or so far away from my faith
that they don't know what hit them.

It matters...it does not matter.
It's both.
It is also nothing all at once.
It is lies coming in through your headset
and your eyes bleeding from seeing pain.

If one was lucky people would just say he was insane,
the worst part might be trust
is that everything will work out
and one day I will be healed.

I want to say it matters but it is so hard
to make that last
to make the words stick
to be able to say what I mean
and truly mean it in words.

I lay here tortured by small images of flickering light
revealing my weaknesses and vividly illustrates
lies, fears, truths and hope...everything and nothing.
All a base formula of insanity.

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

Psalm 113

"He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!"
-Psalm 113: 7-8


In so many ways I feel like I am laying in the dirt, the dust and mud you formed man from....I just feel like a broken vase that needs to be broken down so maybe I can be salvaged and rebuilt.

Why do I hate myself so often so many times?

Why...how...why would you bother taken one as dirty and broken as me and place me beside your throne...I deserve nothing and so often just wish to break myself...than you for letting me find some pain relief...and for looking after me...and loving me.

I want to praise you in this hellish storm of confusion and pain.
Please teach me to love.
Please.

I'm so tired of the stress of being sick...half fumbled promises of yesterday and the notion that I have to continue on..even if I cannot function at all.

Quote of the Day:

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
— Eugene O'Neill