I'm tired of the base...the darker self...the gauntlet of emotions that I run every time a minor imperfection appears.

I want to breath.
I want feel free.
Even from the addiction of self hate.

Can I ever be free to just enjoy the perfect imperfections of life?
Without this crippling need for perfection and the want to throw a fit just because every single sub atomic particle isn't floating my way?

I disgust myself because I can have everything 'perfect' and a simple, minor detail can go wrong and I freak out...and...just...

I am, I am, I am.
Such wonderful ignorance
mixed with sin.

I don't know.
Only You do.
I am too exhausted to sort this crap out and the medications are starting to overpower me.


Just...please don't leave me here all alone.
Please.

hURT...

I sometimes have to wonder...if love requires more faith than I can ever truly possess.

It is amazing what fear can cause...the emotions it evokes and how much energy it can drain.

I guess I am overly dramatic.
...is this bad in and of itself?
What change should I make...would I make to just...

I know and I don't know what my base problem is.
At the same time.
In the full extremes.


"I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

Psalm 96

"Sing to the Lord; praise his name.
Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."
-Psalm 96:2-3

The darkest reaches of my soul flee from the light and try to carry the rest of me there...under this groomed exterior of silence and meekness is this raging sea of anger, judgmental attitudes, fear, rage, lust, hate and every vile thing that ever was or will be.

My potential for evil knows no end and I have paid for it...as well as others.

Yet, my Jesus never has given up on me.
The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world looked and saw how stupid I would be...yet not only was my name called but you love me...love me for reasons I will never understand.

I am so broken, so needy, so selfish, so quick to get angry over nothing in this house...and yet, you love me through every unlovable moment I have.



You are mighty, so wonderful and amazing for loving me.
You could have left me to my sin but you didn't...thank you Daddy.
I want this love to become deeper, more intimate...I want the union between us to be so strong that the world will know.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...I'm so sorry for the past, for those I have caused pain...I will never be able to fix it...but please help me to live honestly and sincerely...and just openly about my failures and the grace you have given to fix it, to fix me...to love me.

Thank you again and again Daddy, thank you.