"Creep" - Radiohead

2007-2010's theme song is official.

Quote of the Day, the Fourth:

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”
-C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis




I know that is the truth...but if the price of love...of friendships...of making family is nothing but this bitter sting of pain and isolation...I wish I never would have had it to begin with. I wish I never breathed the air of this same terra firma as the notion of pain and love...I wish the best possible of worlds truly did exist and it was nowhere near this Hell.

That is my current struggle.

I want to close my heart, my mind, my soul and just let it rot...or just end it all.

I don't like who I am or what I have become...so bitter and jaded over doing the right thing. I don't think...in fact I know it isn't just you...or one or two other things...it's a life that has been spiraling downward for years trying to serve myself.

I want peace, I want grace...I want...

Yeah, I want that too.

But I just can't live with it, I can't function without it.

It's angst, it's been drawn and cut off, it's been reminded that to live is to hurt...and hurting and pain are how we define our existence...UNTIL we find something bigger than ourselves.

And I have that in You Love...it's just the rest of your damn creation that is driving me mad right now. Your daughters and sons...someday...I hope we can sit down and have a chat about this. I can have my cat and dog there...and just be held by you while I cry about the pain and have You take it away...drawing the venom and pain from my soul as give me grace, give me the eternal love that You are.

"The thought it comes to my mind, to somehow intervene
But it could bring me trouble, and what can I do anyway?
It's hard to be effective when it happens so often
To see a life unraveling, through drawn venetian blinds
I'm sickened by compassion, I'm stifled by my limitations
Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away."

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"Sometimes you say things in songs even if there's a small chance of them being true. And sometimes you say things that have nothing to do with the truth of what you want to say and sometimes you say things that everyone knows to be true. Then again, at the same time, you're thinking that the only truth on earth is that there is no truth on it. Whatever you are saying, you're saying in a ricky-tick way. There's never time to reflect. You stitched and pressed and packed and drove, is what you did."
-Bob Dylan

This pain in my body, my heart and soul is for a reason...right?
Increase my faith please.

Forgive my idolatry...for I need You...

"When He Returns" - Kevin Max

Blood Stained Eyes

I need to be stronger than this,
what are tears but fallen water?
Expressionless water wasted
dripping at an unpredictable rate
as I wonder
and I wonder why
not knowing how
but feeling
and hoping
that the love we share
is as eternal as Your light
and infinite as your peace.

I'm struggling to find footing
trying to just breath in this world
You know I need You
more now, more than ever
and I'm loosing my step
forgetting my breath
like the way Home.

Make me a way
give me the strength
It's late and I'm already crying
needing only what You can give me.

"I'm Happy Just To Dance With You" - Anne Murray

Stupefyingly beautiful song.

Can't sleep...problems keeping me up.

Listening to Queen's '86 Wembley concert while reading "Jesus Loves You This I Know".

Music:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdGcX-s99Rg&feature=PlayList&p=14B841A896833C5C&index=0

Book:
http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Loves-You-This-I-Know/dp/0801013291/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256287048&sr=8-1


I started a couple of hours ago and I'm almost done with the book...really good read, important stuff about getting back to the roots of Jesus' love in doing ministry. God I want to do this so bad...

Quote of the Day:

"In our sleep, pain which cannot beget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
-Aeschylus