Friday, October 31, 2008
There is this enticement of excitement
just in the air tonight.
Hearing the subtle stirring vibrations
you whisper to me.
You intoxicate me with your promises,
Your sincere invitations.
The starkness of my own self centered lives
runs contradictions through my mind.
I stay here waxing poetically
while hoping to put off tomorrow
what could never be today.
I find my growing hypocrisy to much to bear
and I just want to let go.
Run free into your love
and live the life I've been terrified of
from the moment I realized thoughts
and the possibility of possibility.
These words have no meaning beyond what you give them,
nothing of my intent could sway your being
for one instant.
But take this for what it is worth
and make it yours
just for now,
just for the moment.
Let us pause and be who we are
in between who they think we must be.
Let us wait in anticipated glee
for we know the moment may end
just as soon as it will began.
Things will never be as we thought
they would be
but so is life and just the beginning
of every end is the start of new life.
just in the air tonight.
Hearing the subtle stirring vibrations
you whisper to me.
You intoxicate me with your promises,
Your sincere invitations.
The starkness of my own self centered lives
runs contradictions through my mind.
I stay here waxing poetically
while hoping to put off tomorrow
what could never be today.
I find my growing hypocrisy to much to bear
and I just want to let go.
Run free into your love
and live the life I've been terrified of
from the moment I realized thoughts
and the possibility of possibility.
These words have no meaning beyond what you give them,
nothing of my intent could sway your being
for one instant.
But take this for what it is worth
and make it yours
just for now,
just for the moment.
Let us pause and be who we are
in between who they think we must be.
Let us wait in anticipated glee
for we know the moment may end
just as soon as it will began.
Things will never be as we thought
they would be
but so is life and just the beginning
of every end is the start of new life.
Life Update - My Health 2.0, NANOWRIMO, Possible Internship and More!
"Life," said Marvin dolefully, "loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', Douglas Adams
Thankfully, as much as I might despair I have not been reduced to acting completely like that poor depressed robot that Mr.Adams created. All things considered life is fair. I wouldn't say it is great by any stretch of the imagination but any day where you can wake up and say "Thank God I can actually write still." is a good day.
Speaking of such, a few updates:
My Health 2.0
A few weeks ago I had another procedure done and it removed a gallstone blocking a bile duct which caused a lot of junk to fly into my system. Although I am still having abdominal pain, nausea and other weird symptoms I am attempting to press on and just not worry about things until my next schedule appointment (sometime in January).
In the long term aspect of things I have three goals I will be doing regardless of health:
1.Internship in Las Vegas
2.Seminary/Grad School
3.Nanowrimo 08
1.For now I'm not sharing many details but I've applied for a ministry internship in fabulous Las Vegas. I felt led to apply and so I did, no clue if anything will surface but we shall see.
2.I need to finish my education and get a masters and possibly a PHD. I'm currently trying to assemble a list of possible schools that hopefully will not drive me insane. I am still wanting to get my masters in theology and a doctorate in philosophy. But then again I may just go for something in English and writing, I'm not sure.
3.Ah, writing, that horrible mistress I both love and hate in the same breath. It is a give and take relationship that helps me hang on to my sanity but at the same time sometimes pushes it out an open window. I have days where I speed along and others while I limp around looking confused but at the end of the day if I can write it is a good day.
Not that writing is actually ever easy (for long periods of time at least) but it is something I can still do and feel good about doing, even when it is as hopelessly narcissistic as writing about myself. The good always, ALWAYS outweighs the bad. If I could not write I would go even more insane...which would indeed be an ironic pity because it seems like the crazier a writer gets the better their writing.
That said, a magical event begins tonight at midnight. The long awaited season of competitive month long novel writing begins. A fifty-thousand novel put to the pages in a mere thirty days. I'll be competing for the second time this year and plan on adding another chapter into the ever expanding saga of what I have lovingly dubbed the "Matt-a-verse". Like I said, narcissism.
I dashed out a few points earlier today that is serving as my outline. From what I can tell it'll be picking up sometime and somewhere from last years car crash of an epic. I'm somewhat excited and repulsed by the thought of returning to the realm of my creative thought.
All that said it should be a good time I think.
Er...I promised to have 'more' in the title of this little thing but uh...I have nothing.
SO yes something random...any musical recommendation for this years writing endeavor?
Last year I used:
"Discovery" - Daft Punk
"Somewhere in the Inbetween" - Streetlight Manifesto
"Zoo TV - Live in Sydney" - U2
Final Fantasy VII Official Soundtrack
...and a few others that I cannot readily recall. I'm planning on doing a few entires into the "Reasonably Good Music" burned cd collection but any suggestions would be grand.
I'm planning on taking the novel express tonight but I'll be keeping everyone updated as much as possible. Thanks and I'll be seeing the lot of you at the finish line in a few weeks.
www.nanowrimo.com is the place to be!
-'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', Douglas Adams
Thankfully, as much as I might despair I have not been reduced to acting completely like that poor depressed robot that Mr.Adams created. All things considered life is fair. I wouldn't say it is great by any stretch of the imagination but any day where you can wake up and say "Thank God I can actually write still." is a good day.
Speaking of such, a few updates:
My Health 2.0
A few weeks ago I had another procedure done and it removed a gallstone blocking a bile duct which caused a lot of junk to fly into my system. Although I am still having abdominal pain, nausea and other weird symptoms I am attempting to press on and just not worry about things until my next schedule appointment (sometime in January).
In the long term aspect of things I have three goals I will be doing regardless of health:
1.Internship in Las Vegas
2.Seminary/Grad School
3.Nanowrimo 08
1.For now I'm not sharing many details but I've applied for a ministry internship in fabulous Las Vegas. I felt led to apply and so I did, no clue if anything will surface but we shall see.
2.I need to finish my education and get a masters and possibly a PHD. I'm currently trying to assemble a list of possible schools that hopefully will not drive me insane. I am still wanting to get my masters in theology and a doctorate in philosophy. But then again I may just go for something in English and writing, I'm not sure.
3.Ah, writing, that horrible mistress I both love and hate in the same breath. It is a give and take relationship that helps me hang on to my sanity but at the same time sometimes pushes it out an open window. I have days where I speed along and others while I limp around looking confused but at the end of the day if I can write it is a good day.
Not that writing is actually ever easy (for long periods of time at least) but it is something I can still do and feel good about doing, even when it is as hopelessly narcissistic as writing about myself. The good always, ALWAYS outweighs the bad. If I could not write I would go even more insane...which would indeed be an ironic pity because it seems like the crazier a writer gets the better their writing.
That said, a magical event begins tonight at midnight. The long awaited season of competitive month long novel writing begins. A fifty-thousand novel put to the pages in a mere thirty days. I'll be competing for the second time this year and plan on adding another chapter into the ever expanding saga of what I have lovingly dubbed the "Matt-a-verse". Like I said, narcissism.
I dashed out a few points earlier today that is serving as my outline. From what I can tell it'll be picking up sometime and somewhere from last years car crash of an epic. I'm somewhat excited and repulsed by the thought of returning to the realm of my creative thought.
All that said it should be a good time I think.
Er...I promised to have 'more' in the title of this little thing but uh...I have nothing.
SO yes something random...any musical recommendation for this years writing endeavor?
Last year I used:
"Discovery" - Daft Punk
"Somewhere in the Inbetween" - Streetlight Manifesto
"Zoo TV - Live in Sydney" - U2
Final Fantasy VII Official Soundtrack
...and a few others that I cannot readily recall. I'm planning on doing a few entires into the "Reasonably Good Music" burned cd collection but any suggestions would be grand.
I'm planning on taking the novel express tonight but I'll be keeping everyone updated as much as possible. Thanks and I'll be seeing the lot of you at the finish line in a few weeks.
www.nanowrimo.com is the place to be!
Okay, listen please.
I fully realize how absolutely silly it is for me to be THIS stressed with very few reasons but the fact of the matter is that these ARE big factors but not SO BIG I should be almost paralyzed with fear at making a decision. This should be so much easier than it is but it is not.
You know? So what? What now?
I mean my personal desire is to curl up in a ball and whimper or something...and I'm not saying that won't happen at least once or twice in the coming weeks but I would like to be a wee bit more practical in actually achieving and doing something worthwhile.
I'm just...I'm freaking out because I want to be in control. I've been saying no and trying to avoid any real decisions because I'm scared of pain and failure. I keep trying to live life in this sterile bubble of angry cynicism where I constantly want to shove people away and hide under my own bizarre views on life.
Thank you for loving me through this absolutely insane life of uncertain insanity.
It helps to type this, almost like I am taking a fresh breath of air after weeks and maybe even months of just holding it.
Please, please, please help me to make the right decisions but at the same time HELP ME to make DECISIONS. It feels like I have a three hundred pound gorilla sitting on my shoulders and hitting my head with a daily planner made from the lost souls of the damned and departed that could never be anything but underachievers.
Dramatic? Most certainly.
How I feel? Yes.
I want to make the right decisions. Please help me, I need YOU, nothing else. But I do need something before this world just kind of explodes in on me. You know?
I fully realize how absolutely silly it is for me to be THIS stressed with very few reasons but the fact of the matter is that these ARE big factors but not SO BIG I should be almost paralyzed with fear at making a decision. This should be so much easier than it is but it is not.
You know? So what? What now?
I mean my personal desire is to curl up in a ball and whimper or something...and I'm not saying that won't happen at least once or twice in the coming weeks but I would like to be a wee bit more practical in actually achieving and doing something worthwhile.
I'm just...I'm freaking out because I want to be in control. I've been saying no and trying to avoid any real decisions because I'm scared of pain and failure. I keep trying to live life in this sterile bubble of angry cynicism where I constantly want to shove people away and hide under my own bizarre views on life.
Thank you for loving me through this absolutely insane life of uncertain insanity.
It helps to type this, almost like I am taking a fresh breath of air after weeks and maybe even months of just holding it.
Please, please, please help me to make the right decisions but at the same time HELP ME to make DECISIONS. It feels like I have a three hundred pound gorilla sitting on my shoulders and hitting my head with a daily planner made from the lost souls of the damned and departed that could never be anything but underachievers.
Dramatic? Most certainly.
How I feel? Yes.
I want to make the right decisions. Please help me, I need YOU, nothing else. But I do need something before this world just kind of explodes in on me. You know?
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