I would desperately like to recapture the hope and feelings of the existence of something that could be called true love. Not the garbage of pointless lust and desire but honest to God head over heels love.
I know I am recapturing the love I have had before towards the Father...which is breath taking in and of itself. I had let religion cloud my mind and distract me from the fact that beyond this physical realm there is something deeper and more powerful then I could ever dream but at the same time my heart isn't whole, it is vastly incomplete.
I want to be able to desire love when all it feels I can do right now is smile and pretend that the idea of love doesn't scare me. I have always had trouble accepting who I am and where I am but it seems especially difficult now because of past experince.
There needs to be a clean break from myself and this renewal of my existence.
Not who I am or who I could be but becoming what I was destined to be.
Friday, February 8, 2008
I Would Like to Throw Up Now
Hmm I am still feeling sick.
I made the mistake of eating lunch and not being careful with what I eat and so now I am feeling quite nauseated. Preprocessed garbage does not sit well with a stomach that would die if hit by a weak breeze.
On the other hand, is it me or has their been an insane amount of school shootings the past few days? Well, not just school shootings but random street violence, shootings at government buildings and the like.
God, it is so screwed up. I mean, sure it is something you would expect when your life outlook is that humans in general are infected with a mindless compulsion for self serving...but at the same time it is horrible as it is horrifying.
When you look at ow life is I have trouble taking many things seriously. Heck, I have trouble wanting to get out of bed because of how screwed up things are. Change is needed but how much can happen when it is so little and so late in the day?
Plus the pain in my stomach.
There is some hope for being able to work on some projects I am interested in but bottom line I question the dedication of everyone involved, myself the most. I honestly feel like I am terrified of success at even the most trivial level.
Here is a random thought: Most of the mental and physical diseases we're all dying of here in the 'civilized' world seem to be absent in less developed areas of the world. Stuff like cancer, depression, rampant heart diseases and the like seem to be by products of the life styles we create for ourselves. Gorging on horrible food with no nutrition as well as not having stable families can potentially be seen as contributing factors to why things are so screwed up.
If you put processed garbage into your body that is what you become. It doesn't matter if it's empty calories, unhealthy fats, pornography, music by Green Day or any other various unhealthy product. There is a balance for food, sex and fun but without a balance the effects can be deadly.
Narcissism!
How could I forget that dear old friend? Where are my manners?
It makes me want to hold up a mirror to see,
to show off what the world may miss.
But quite frankly, I am not sure how much I really care.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
I made the mistake of eating lunch and not being careful with what I eat and so now I am feeling quite nauseated. Preprocessed garbage does not sit well with a stomach that would die if hit by a weak breeze.
On the other hand, is it me or has their been an insane amount of school shootings the past few days? Well, not just school shootings but random street violence, shootings at government buildings and the like.
God, it is so screwed up. I mean, sure it is something you would expect when your life outlook is that humans in general are infected with a mindless compulsion for self serving...but at the same time it is horrible as it is horrifying.
When you look at ow life is I have trouble taking many things seriously. Heck, I have trouble wanting to get out of bed because of how screwed up things are. Change is needed but how much can happen when it is so little and so late in the day?
Plus the pain in my stomach.
There is some hope for being able to work on some projects I am interested in but bottom line I question the dedication of everyone involved, myself the most. I honestly feel like I am terrified of success at even the most trivial level.
Here is a random thought: Most of the mental and physical diseases we're all dying of here in the 'civilized' world seem to be absent in less developed areas of the world. Stuff like cancer, depression, rampant heart diseases and the like seem to be by products of the life styles we create for ourselves. Gorging on horrible food with no nutrition as well as not having stable families can potentially be seen as contributing factors to why things are so screwed up.
If you put processed garbage into your body that is what you become. It doesn't matter if it's empty calories, unhealthy fats, pornography, music by Green Day or any other various unhealthy product. There is a balance for food, sex and fun but without a balance the effects can be deadly.
Narcissism!
How could I forget that dear old friend? Where are my manners?
It makes me want to hold up a mirror to see,
to show off what the world may miss.
But quite frankly, I am not sure how much I really care.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
Meh
Words are sometimes not enough. Thoughts, emotions, feelings and the like for whatever reason go beyond the fumbling gestures of verbalized expression.
It would be very nice if one could simply state things the way they are but sadly life frowns upon such simplistic ways, seemingly at least.
It would be very nice if one could simply state things the way they are but sadly life frowns upon such simplistic ways, seemingly at least.
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