Sometimes it's nice to smile.
It's three AM and I am exhausted, but no matter what happens...no matter how bad I feel or how lame I seem when I inevitably compare myself to everyone else...I am my own unique brand of lame geekiness.

And that is okay.
That is wonderful.
I am my own and loved and wanted for who I am.
I don't have to meet someone's standards.
Those worth loving find me lovable because I was first loved by Him.

It's awesome.
In it's own weird ways.

I wish I could do a better job of going out of my way to show love to those who went out of their way to hurt me...but just...

Ack.
Irritation.

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

I would go on an angry tirade about how disgusted and tired I am of dealing with duplicitous hypocrites...but I am looking in the mirror right now.

I am what I hate.
Until I learn to love and accept myself, I cannot love God or other people.

Why is it so hard to let go of this millstone?
All of this shocking and frigid cold pain?

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

"It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled
And the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned."

Heh.
A month since that church blow up.
Irony much?

Oie.

Quote of the Day:

"Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world."
-Ammon Hennacy

The thing is...I want to make you smile.
That is all.
I know it's silly to care so much about people's happiness...but I guess that is who I am.

A silly, silly person...with good intentions that rarely pan out the way they were intended.

But that is okay.
Failure isn't really enough to stop me.
I have to keep trying.
Even when the thoughts don't necessarily make sense.

Somehow, someway, grace has met me halfway.
At least if I try...I can try.
Just a smile.
And a try.
And a care.

Love, Love, Love

So strong, so painful
and everything I seek,
I run to and fro
aching and wanting,
just begging
being a beggar
needing Your love.

I hold out my hand
as the closed fist
to hurt
as much as I need,
taking everything I want
just because I can
and leaving,
leaving it all to chance.

Everything spinning,
everything breaking down
with all the pain
and all of the taste.

What can I say?
What can I do?
I'm just a beggar on the outside
needing love
and needing You.

Quote of the Day:

“If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.”
-Rich Mullins

"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care.

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

I really need to work on not letting small things get under my skin.
Already, I can think of a couple of things that will bother and upset me about this semester...but how are they my problem?

I can wash my face, take a deep breath and sip some tea...and be happy to feel alive.

I hope I can sleep a couple of more hours and go to church with my mom.

That would be nice.
No drama.
No stupid worry about things that do not matter.
Just enjoying my last day before driving back to school.

Even when bad things happen...I don't have to let that ruin everything.
Hmm...that is a skill I need to master...

Pizza.
Soda.
Tea.
Medication.
Deep thinking.
No sleep.

Yeah.
This can't end well.

Cynicism mixed with some fatalism.

Strange.
Strange.

The small things I care about for some...reason.

Weird.

Why does such meaningless, small, worthless things irk me so greatly?

"The farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on"

Such darkness.

"Put back the stars
I'm out of shape tonight
Pinhole black velvet
Navigation-skills got lost with the fading light
It was there not more then a second ago
Now what do you know, what i do know
Is just not good enough to make things right
Put back the stars
I'm out of place tonight

Ain't it something to know your lost

I hoist my sail
Through there is no wind in sight
And i close my eyes to feel the fresh breeze
Paint the inside of my eyelids bright
Fill the sky with your breath
Cause you know I'm out of mine
Let the sky burn and i will inhale
Without a fight
I hoist my sail
And I'll just wait for you tonight

Ain't it something to know you have lost

Black tar surrounds me now
But life is the next door neighbor
On the outside there is just absence
But when i close my eyes
All i see is Your face"

I know it is lame to be so excited over a smile...but I'll take any victories I can get in these days of frustrating silliness.

Meh.
Meh.
Meh.

And a side helping of bleh.

I really need to just follow my instinct and not waste time like that.

Plus side...returning to school soon.
Very soon.
Thank God.
The predictable chaos is preferred to the unpredictable chaos.

Avant-garde morality.
Yes I just invented the phrase a few minutes ago.
Would someone be a dear and copyright that for me?
I'll be happy to share the proceeds.

I sometimes wonder if I am too general...too vague...
If it is something I consciously do.
In the pain, in the Hells that people craft on this world...there are so many varied and vapid ideas passing through...

Here I am right now.
All this love, doubt, fear, hope...
The hope of giving and loving, not self righteous sacrifice.

This isn't about me.
I do not want it to be about me
I've seen that road and where it goes...

But Father, even when you knew how dirty and worthless I can be, you still loved, still died, still became everything I never knew I would need so desperately.

I sometimes wonder why I am such a weird mix of extroverted and introverted.

It seems like I flip on a dime and will go from wanting so badly to let someone know how much they mean to me...to being absolutely terrified and having this social anxiety with being around anyone at all...

I have the small circle of friends...those I trust, the ones who are basically my siblings in a way...that sounds so cliche.

I just...wonder if You were lonely.
While you walked the roads of the countryside, if you felt this longing for having someone perfectly understand you...that you opened your heart, mind, soul to and could share...and how that meshed with your friends.

I guess I am left to wonder at the impossibility of the Incarnation when I've only had an hour nap and am sitting next to a cat who keep meowing at me.

I watched almost all the first series of "The Young Ones" and what a confused yet funny mess it was.

Anymore random tidbits?
How about...I wish we could see each other right now.
Go for a walk if it was warmer, then sit down and eat a mealt together...just enjoy a day as a day.

That would be a small piece of heaven now.
However...all is fleeting and soon...too soon...