I just want to stop hurting.
Is that too much to ask?

Faith and hope are bone weary, running out and so tired.

Does it matter?

So many questions, too much time and so much exhaustion.

Hope is there, just too tired and too weak to move.

Sunday was one of the most peaceful evening I have had in months..if not years.
Even just with watching Doctor Who, it was nice to feel apart of something more real that may last word may be the more illinoformed

Quote of the Day:

"The religious persecution of the ages has been done under what was claimed to be the command of God. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do to their fellows, because it always coincides with their own desires."
-Susan B. Anthony


http://www.thelizlibrary.org/undelete/library/library005.html

God...please give me relief from the pain and nausea...please...

Another, Another

So far...and yet so close.
The foolish rhymes of yesterday
falling out of sync.

An evening amongst familiar company
and it is curious
how the simple
and what many call mundane
is what helps me hang on.

Laughter, embraces
and even a hand holding a hand
all just are milestones
mixed with grace
on this long
and convoluted journey.

It is so hard
just to recall
what it was
that started
me on this trip
and finding my way
back to this school.

I struggle to believe in love
and the fading hope
that love still believes in me.

I was able to impart
and give some comfort
providing some security.
Just another fleeting moment
but one of the few moments of grace
in this year of Hell.

I have already lost so much
and yet
I know the worst is to come.
It may be cowardly to run
but I would flee
in order to preserve
if not just outright protect
those who suffer because of me.

Fleeting
just passing by
the waves rolling on
and pulling at me
summoning me to dive
and never return to the surface.

Just another passing moment
on this time of life,
shades and shadows,
passing and fleeting
and watching the sun spiral
into its everlasting decay.

I am.
I am.

Evidently I am so exhausted right now that I was able to read some comments in German and it made perfect sense.

Which is awesome considering I have absolutely no working knowledge of German.

Lovable Loser Syndrome

These people do not want truth.
They want to be coddled and patted on the back.
They want reassurance that the screams of the dying and damned outside their door is just a radio stuck on static.

Compassion and empathy are dirty words whereas complacency, self-righteousness and pleasure are their drugs of choice.

I would rather be living in this pain, feeling the screams of pain rip through my nerve cells and die trying to change the world...then lay here in numb apathy.

I may loose every relationship, every friendship...every companion may prove to be unfaithful, untrustworthy and keen to stab me in the back...but if I can simply die having been faithful to the call I can ask for nothing more.

If need be I will find solace in You alone.
If I loose all of these and must limp and crawl alone this stretched path...I will.

I have lost everything and felt my soul rip apart several times already...it just eventually gets to a point where I no longer give a damn about being loved by people. I am an attention starved person who will perform simply to have some iota of confidence build up...but at the end of the day it's not worth it...nothing in this world is worth the sacrifice and the pain.

God, the pain.
It will come and go.
I will handle it as I must.
Luckily I do not star as a hero or main character.
I will never have my face on a poster or an action figure in my image.

Just as well.
There are no heroes.
All humans do is fail and create more problems.
Problems that cause pain.
Problems that someone has to fix.

Such a painful paradox.
So frustratingly stupid to pine after someone who sees you but looks through you.
If anything that is worse than being ignored.
At least when you do not exist at all to that person you can at least dream that one day they may see you...but to be looked through and seen as nothing more than a lovable loser who somehow just never manages to "make it" well...I can simply say I do not care.

What is the point of wasted breath?
Why do I feel the need to waste air?
What more can I expect or ask out of these people?

None of us are born without some purpose, some role in this story.
However none of us are assured as to what that is.

I am not one made to be able to love and love back.
What is the absolute point?
Love, marriage, family...silly things never meant for me.
I try but my heart is growing colder and deader with each day.
I feel less, my compassion is fading and my empathy is in chaotic decay.

I focus on myself so much...to my own determent.
The decay, the pain...all so real and vivid...

I don't know the future.
I do not need to know it.
Maybe something will change...maybe I will learn to feel again and open my heart up...but I would just as soon let it grow cold and at least be able to support and hold someone...something up...while the rest of me just falls apart.

At least I might be able to act as a stonewall.
That has to count for something.

Quote of the Day:

“Nothing is more revolting than the majority; for it consists of few vigorous predecessors, of knaves who accommodate themselves, of weak people who assimilate themselves, and the mass that toddles after them without knowing in the least what it wants”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Pointlessly stupid angry rage.
Yay.

Where did I leave my sarcasm button?

Quote of the Day:

"Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back."
-Anne Lamott

Thank you Jesus, thank you for my friends who are acting as anchors and propping me up because of how hard it is to move at times from the pain, how hard it is to function and just for helping me retain my sense of humor in the storms.

The paradox is that when I am in the worst pain...you find me here and carry me, letting the prayers of all those who came before...this family of saints that all of these ones who mean so much to me are in...with divisions, pain and trials...we are closer than human blood...we're bound by the blood of you my Love, my Lord.

I really could do without the whole pain thing for a day or two...

It is sort of amazing how some people are so proficient at casting others to the side.

I wonder how often I have done that without realizing...hurt people, hurt their feelings, made them feel rejected, made them feel worthless...

So much is going on so often and there is so little time in which to act or try to decide what the right thing to do is...

Quote of the Day:

"There's no point being grown-up if you can't be childish sometimes."
-The Doctor

Is finally, finally breaking the 12k word mark and only need around 7k more to catch up and be on schedule. He has no idea how the end product will be but is rather proud of how some of the plot and characters are turning out. This is definitely PG-13 bordering R rated material which is very much new territory for him to be working in...scary yet refreshing in ways that only novel writing can be.

Yay for third person.

I forget how much other Christians can make my head hurt.

I just do not see a point for going overboard with "praise" this and "praise that"...I know it's not all insincere...in fact I would dare say the majority of it IS sincere...it is just "Christianese" that drives me mad.

What is the point of talking about faith when it never goes beyond a theory or a group of words loosely used to describe how a person wastes a perfectly good Sunday morning because it is nothing more than status or a feel good pat on their back?

I know letting other people's actions and thoughts interfere and control how I respond is not just unhealthy but stupid.

The good thing is that we're all on equal footing before God...we're all sinners, all broken and all in need of healing, acceptance and love...it's just learning to live those qualities out is so hard.

So tired, so far from home...far from any sense of relation.
I feel like a stranger.
An alien.
Disconnected from those who do not know of what I speak or what I have seen.

How can one begin to divulge the experience of feeling eternity flow through oneself?

So much more...

It is basic yet so deep, simple and yet so profound...God's love.

I have been browsing Deviantart trying to find pictures to inspire my writing for Nanowrimo and I keep getting drawn back to this picture. The guy looks a lot like how I envision my main character Jace looks like and of course he spends 95% of his time running from Eldritch abominations. ^_^

http://nintene.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d1d9j22

Quote of the Day:

"You write. That's the hard bit that nobody sees. You write on the good days and you write on the lousy days. Like a shark, you have to keep moving forward or you die. Writing may or may not be your salvation; it might or might not be your destiny. But that does not matter. What matters right now are the words, one after another. Find the next word. Write it down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat."
-Neil Gaiman

On Lambs and Muses

Snow flakes falling,
building a castle to the sky
a tower to see from
watching as the world
flits and moving,
burning the roads and I know
it's just that I try
and find the means to fail.

I miss you.
I don't know who will listen
or know what it is like
to write a eulogy
and not know if you are heard.

What does it matter if any of these hear
when the only person I want to know
is on the other side of eternity?

Sometimes life feels like a sick joke,
everything we try
and the circles we run
when all I want to do is follow
and maybe see the one's I've lost.

My faith is so tired,
weary and needs rest,
the only kind
that may be found
in the meek lamb.

Little lamb
who called out to me
beckoning me to follow
when I was just a child,
fifteen years ago
you spoke
and I heard.
Ten years ago
you asked for the rest of me
and I complied.

Have we really been walking that long?
You have held me,
been so faithful
when I am so quick to despair and angst.

I just am worn down to my endings
just wanting to breath
and release all the pain,
all the tragedy
that has been held for so long.

Resolutions for questions
and things you will never tell me
but I still must ask,
Why?
Why the pain?
Why must we hurt?
How long,
how long until you come again
and end the pain?

Will I always walk alone,
being in a large crowd
but always isolated?

I miss you.
I don't know how to say it
and my clarity
feels just like lies.

I can't trust myself
and I am so quick to turn,
pointing fingers
and riding this pain
dragging it out
as long as I might.

I have no choice
and not a word
that can be spent on saying.

I have to live.
I'm needed
and when I can rest
is after going home.

But it doesn't ease the pain,
the pain of distance
the pain of loss
and how I always wonder
and my mind wanders
how thou doth fair?

But it is what it is,
so much confusion.
Beauty and pain
but every day renewed.

"a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I've done all I can do
could I please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes"

I'm just not sure why I trust certain people.
Inevitability.
There is just...

I know I will be back stabbed or if I am lucky just ignored.
It happens, has happened...

Will happen.

It's annoying and depressing...

But I can try to enjoy the ride as best as I can, being a real man and a brother who watches out for and is there to protect his friends and his sisters.

Is it better to be ignored or reviled and rejected?
So tired.
So convoluted and just...I do not know.
I do not know.

I wish I could hide away and then no more...no more of this pain no more of these pointless and ridiculous circles I have to run in just to escape from...the further circles, and more senseless pain.

What is honor?
What is trust?
What is devotion?

So many broken friendships and forgotten times.
I just don't have the energy to care.


I had coffee and a night time drive, listening and being a wall of support and defense. Watching the orange lights spill across the roads, breaking shadows and across our words and songs.

Seeing the lights reflect off the bay and just enjoy the comfortable silence of someone I can trust...

But I still worry.
I know it will end.
Everything has to.
It's the nature of life.

So tired.

There is at least good that has happened...
Maybe more can before it ends.

So much to do so little time.

-Novel
-Notes for class
-Parts and rehearsal for Christmas Spectacular
-Learning lines from Hamlet and blocking the scene for class
-Lying on my desk in despair
-Drinking tea
-Going to World Market to get more tea
-Having more despair
-Laying on the ground twitching
-Writing plot for running another session of Deadlands
-Trying to eat the stuff the school calls "food"
-Doctor Who
-Poems
-Despair
-Sleep?
-Exercise
-Trying to thank God for tolerating my ever increasing boughts of stupidity

This managed to remind me how much I miss Conan O'Brian.
And for some reason I keep craving diet coke every time I watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baa-dGj2LhQ

Quote of the Day:

"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
-Oscar Wilde