Sometimes...my thoughts terrify me.
I don't like where they lead...where they go...

Sometimes I fear the best thing I could do for everyone around me...is to vanish, run and flee away from everything and everyone I love.

People love me, adore me, praise me, help me, take care of me...and still, they...they do not see the darkness hiding beneath the bumbling fool I desperately try to be.

Just so no one...no one will see the evil I am.

Yay!

Elated hypocrisy!

Courting with disaster seems to be my almost essential day to day job.

I forgot how nice the cold comfort of apathy can be.

I just don't even know why I bothered...

It is sort of funny...but I am in a place where I really am not feeling attraction to any female or any remote desire for a relationship...it's been this way since August...so strange but so wonderful.

I honesty don't know if I have ever gone this long with out at least feeling some sort of crush...since what...maybe second grade and liking A.T.?

Oh so silly...and that was something like an eight year crush or something.

I really am starting to understand why the Catholic church forbids priests and other leaders from marrying. It is easier to uproot your life in obedience to God and follow when you don't have such silly things tying you down.

Maybe some people can be redeemed and find meaning in marriage and starting a family...but with my genes, my genetics...that route seems like a damnation rather than a salvation.

Me...a husband...a father?
I don't think I possess the faculties to dream of something like that...much less if it ever became a reality.

I can't take care of myself...I suppose like The Doctor said, "I'm rubbish at weddings, especially my own."

I suppose that could also qualify for funerals as well.

Quote of the Day:

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Proverbs 28

"When the godly succeed, everyone is glad.
When the wicked take charge, people go into hiding.

People who conceal their sins will not prosper,
but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

Blessed are those who fear to do wrong,
but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble."
-Proverbs 28:12-14


I'm a swirl, a vortex of emotion coming down off of the high of wanting...needing and begging to understand.

But life isn't about if I understand...but if I love like You love, right?

I just...
I really wish things could be more simple...just be able to breath and relax and not worry so much...worrying about everything and nothing...

What is the right thing to do?
What path is righteous?

You see everything so there is not point to conceal who I am...I am just open and bare before you...you see into me and know everything there is...

I'm not praying to change you...but the hope I can be changed.

The hope I can hold on and not fall to the pain inside of me...but to open up and let the hope carry me...let Your love carry me...because You are all I have...now and forever.

"I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they've got to kill what we've found
well they've got to hate what they fear
well they've got to make it go away
well they've got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of"

The sad part?

I actually wasted my time sincerely offering help.

Nice guys don't finish last, they tend not to finish at all.

It may be because of the aneurysms.

Social drama?

Not to fear!

I'll just narcotize myself with video games, mountain dew and tea...yes...THAT will fix everything.

Now...to get my sarcasm button unstuck...

One of the manifold problems of attempting to play hero all the time is that you end up in a position where...oh it's just silly to say it...or try anything...or do...

It is just...

It is life.

I think I am stuck there with that thought.

God I hate feeling sick...I hate feeling as well...

*sighs*

Fine.

I'm a Ravenclaw.

I'll give up fighting it already.

Stupid know it all Sorting Hats... ~_~

http://www.hexrpg.com/userinfo/Nintene

Proverbs 26

"Smooth[a] words may hide a wicked heart,
just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot.

People may cover their hatred with pleasant words,
but they’re deceiving you.
They pretend to be kind, but don’t believe them.
Their hearts are full of many evils.
While their hatred may be concealed by trickery,
their wrongdoing will be exposed in public."
-Proverbs 26:23-26

What is the point of my many words?
Slippery slopes of sin, malevolent tapestries woven will such ill intention...
...and what shall I do?
What can I do?

All of these circles, all of this pain...

How can I know who to trust?
It feels as if...exposing myself to any at all is foolhardy because I know how it will end...

Not today or tomorrow...but so few things can last long through time...


Even with all of my doubts and sins piled so high, I pray for grace, forgiveness...hope...you know?

Hope that my failures, my mistakes will not define me from here and throughout eternity...hope I can be washed clean, made new and so I can become more of who you made me to be...

So much hope, so much beauty, so much of everything...it is overwhelming.
I don't want to lie to people, lead them on...treat them like I have been in the past...

It is so easy to hide within pain and shame...but what can I do?
How can I grow and be an adult?

Father, Lover, Lord, King, Master...so many titles, so many ways of expressing You and yet none are sufficient...so many ways, so many ways...

Take my hand, take my life and never let me walk away.
Never let me loose hope in waiting,
renew me everyday so I can breath.
Put a new life in this shell
and teach me how to sing.

Carry me away
to distant lands
and unknown shores.

Renew me
and please never remove Your Holy Spirit from me.
The last thing I deserve is comfort
or peace
but I throw myself before this throne
not know what else to do
except pray,
pray for hope everlasting
and love overflowing.

So both Insane Clown Posse and Owl City have come out of the closet about being Christians.

What's next?

Daft Punk and Slipknot recording a worship album with U2?

Proverbs 25

"Good news from far away
is like cold water to the thirsty.
If the godly give in to the wicked,
it’s like polluting a fountain or muddying a spring.
It’s not good to eat too much honey,
and it’s not good to seek honors for yourself.
A person without self-control
is like a city with broken-down walls."
-Proverbs 25:25-28


What does it take to learn humility in this world?
What does it mean to love, to give and sacrifice?

I am such a silly, silly person so often...I am spread so thin, confused so easily, running all over the world...looking left and right...

I want to lay down and let the pain ebb away...roll away like the tide pulling sand into the ocean...but I know, I know to stop now will mean I will falter and may never get back up again...

I have so few words because of how tired I am...but I feel, I push, I struggle...I can't stop now...no matter what. I have to try...

*sigh*

I miss those trees as silly as this is...

=/

Fleeting moments of childhood...hither and tither...

Chrono Trigger and EarthBound anyone?

I really need a better memory.
And the ability to check my cell phone for missed calls more often...>_>

Quote of the Day:

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mohandas Gandhi

Film Noir of the Soul

Falling, falling, falling.
What does it matter?
Failing, failing, failing.
Every last word is proven false.

God knows the pain I feel,
how if I could
I would just take it all,
carry the shame
carry your pain
and just be real again,
forming out of darkness
so I just will be me.

I miss it all,
Muse fueled words,
God the intoxication!
Yet far from yesterday
and other brilliant sparks
which grew in my heart.

Just like so many things,
feeling and passing,
pulling from my life
and into the sea foam of time
before I know what happens.

The ones I walk with now
I fear will be gone in minutes
if not seconds.
Further loved ones lost,
as I'm forced to live
and damned to survive.

I always must live,
must survive
must outlive the relationships,
the one who makes me feel alive.

Always in shades,
silhouettes
as my prison
is this decaying shell
which damns me to live,
life for now
and live forever.

Always in the now,
this second
which leads to another,
pulling me down paths
and making me decide
and render so much pain.

Damned if I do,
damned if I do not,
damned in every second
of this torture
where I make decisions
and there is never a good choice
or a happy ending.

I have no choice.
I must live.
I was born with these feelings and thoughts
even though I never once asked
or was considered
or quizzed
about where and when.

If I was born a decade earlier or later
so much could be different.
But instead,
my time-line is attached to
nineteen eighty-six
and there is none alive
who I can share this time burden with.

I'm not mad,
not loosing ground
fretting or in rage.

Melancholy,
and missing,
missing and longings
of things I scarcely understood
then or now.

My nightmares are such vivid terrors,
and they come to life on their own.
Such horror.

Why not this dream?
Just this once chance of singular happiness?
Is it a sin to ask?
To beg Yahweh for such?

Were I balanced
and my melancholy removed,
would it shake the foundation
and change this world
making it worse?

Should I just be narcissistic
and assume the pain I tread
and the loneliness I feel
is for the betterment of the world?

At least I can never be accused
or said to lack imagination.
Words, words and more words
just hot air.

Tired, so very tired.
Games, more than plenty
and I just want to run away
far from here
to a new world
and a new age
where I can loose myself in love
and work,
to die surrounded by loved ones
after a generation of loving
and giving all.

But not this life,
not this world.
Noir is the game
and darkness reigns
as the spirit within me cries.

The Dark rises
and who remains to fight,
to stand against the tide?

A singular,
a non-entity
who is frail
and fragile,
steaming the tide
and sacrificing
because someone has to.

I will take all I must,
feel all that is needed,
just so others may have normality
to live and die in peace
while I wear this mantle.

I will stand,
I will live
and surely die
but someone must stand
and stop the tears from being shed.
Until the day they are all wiped away,
I am and will be.
Narcissism and all.

One can change, break
and rearrange the order
and course of humanity.

It's not my place to write history,
just to be faithful
and be crushed by the wheels of fate
and hold onto the faith
which saved and damned me at the same time.

Saved me from my sin, from myself
and the endless divide and solitude.
Yet damned me to never being content,
never being able to rest
and feeling the pain of everyone around me.
It is good and right
to live and give everything
so that others may live
and find normality.

Shades, shadows,
raindrops and teardrops,
do you see and feel them madam?

My obsession,
my destruction,
the course of history
and all that will and could ever be
just found here
within,
following
and flowing with pulse.

Back to bed,
get rest
and dry your eyes
for tomorrow is a new week,
such flitting moments of time,
you just live
seize this new life
and live to love,
to have and have all.

Loving at all is so good
so right
and beautiful,
I will live too,
I have no choice in the matter.

When it is my time to depart
I will hear the sweet whispers
and be enveloped into eternity
and then the only One,
the only One who can handle my pain,
these fears
and the weaknesses people hate me for,
the love for all
and this burning empathy,
I might have peace.

I have to remain
and just hold here,
be faithful
and hold all the pain from others.

Thank you for sending me a beautiful smile.
No matter my fears of contact
or ever being able to full express
and give of myself
it was the brightest beauty this world has ever seen.
No greater beauty will ever be seen,
in this age
or the coming reign of Christ.

Thank you for helping me live,
finding one worthy of being loved
under all these contradictions
and levels of fear.

Thank you madam muse
for placing this joy
and need to accept myself
in this heart.

Eternal gratitude
and hope,
living, taking shape
and forcing its way.

What am I forgetting?
God this is driving me crazy...

God.
Wow.

Such...vivid nightmares.
Again.

I miss...it's stupid and annoying and pointless to say I miss someone when the only thing I was doing...just causing more pain and harm...

I feel like I am just this collection of contradiction, frayed wires and burning pain.

What is...what is the point?

Indifference, Cancer of the Soul

"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating.
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining.
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
-Roper, "Quicksilver"

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
-Elie Wiesel



It has become second nature for me to question my motives, why I write and go on all of these rather ridiculous tangents. I really like U2 and my fellow narcissist Bono for the contradictory fact he is a millionaire and spends a lot of his free time and money on the idea of a spiritual, physical and financial renaissance of Africa.

I really can't tell you what my niche is but I thrive off of praise, strut about like a literary peacock and why not? At heart, I am like every artist who is a needy narcissist who will always be seeking the flitting glimmers of human praise.

Which, is self-defeating and oxymoronic considering how I want to point people (Christians especially) to our (read that as MINE, MY, ME) gross hypocrisies, apathy and the general failings of the church towards loving one another, stopping needless and stupid deaths and you know...helping old ladies cross the street.

Which ultimately I think is okay because this is coming from the guy who does his Bible reading while regularly listening to Nine Inch Nails (Might I take this time to recommend the free live album "The Gift"? http://thisoneisonus.org/node/34) so feel free to expect contradiction, exaggeration, satire, malcontent and the fact I am trying to come to terms with the fact I was born human.

I had a point that seems to have been misplaced in all the tangents...something about apathy.

I think.

Ah...here we are:



"Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember also those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies."
-Hebrews 13:1-3



"“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

“Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’

“And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’

“And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”"
-Matthew 25:31-46



I quote those above passages, along with the Sermon on the Mount, enough times that I feel like I am running up to each one of you in your your living room and smacking you in the face with a stick that had these verses carved on it.

I am also smacking myself as well and if you get tired of it you don't have to read my silly words.

How do I follow up to the words of the man who claimed to be Messiah, Savior, Creator and God? Either he has/had a severe issue of mental illness, suffered some fairly bad biography writing or was true to his words, every last one of them.

One of the single most disturbing things I have ever witnessed is friends, Christians, who did not understand why I care about issues such as the persecution of Sudanese Christians, the current situation in France of the government violating the human rights of the Roma people by forcibly deporting them, the fact that more Christians (and political activists) have been murdered by Communists in the last century then by hundreds of years of Roman rule.

I don't have a sign, I don't think I have much of an agenda...I just firmly believe every human being is deserving of dignity, respect, security and love. No one should suffer persecution no matter how much I disagree with them and for the most part that is one of the things I love the most about America. The fact that Fox News and MSNBC both exist to annoy one another to no foreseeable end is good for everyone at the end of the day.

A secret their one sided newscasters and many in the church have not discovered is this; listening to other people's opinion and rational thought is not in fact the work of the devil, it is a secret and magical thing called being a mature and reasonable adult.

I have a lot of problems with spiritual unrest and chronic worry...the only times I can think of when the clouds clear is when I write, when I pray and when I overcome my nervous social tendencies and participate in the human race by going to where people are and listening to them. Not hitting them with a gospel stick, showering them with Jesus fish bumper stickers but honestly letting them expose their soul and find this divine moment that only comes about when we realize how hollow our lives are without one another.

The more I live the more I think we really need one another much more than we will ever be comfortable saying out loud.

And by that I mean EVERYONE.
I'm not trying to suggest a pantheistic or Unitarian theology but the simple fact that people are diverse and taking the time to listen and try to act like adults is a bit more productive and important than an "eye for an eye" and a cruise missile for a suicide bomber.

Until someone actually bother to take good ol' Saint Pete (1 Peter 4:8) and everyone's favorite polygamy driven king Solomon (Proverbs 10:12) at their words about love covering over a multitude of sins then we are going to have the Real IRA still trying to blow up Northern Ireland for a "free and united Ireland", the Palestinians and Israelis fighting over stupefyingly small pieces of land and the money making scheme that drives our political process.

I guess I may be making such vague generalities that I might be sabotaging my writings and my point.

That is okay.

Someone needs to sit in the middle and say "Hey guy! It's okay to make sandwiches and not war, we can even make it a kosher diet just to make sure everyone is happy!"

I am more than okay with the fact I love and serve a God who is bigger, more beautiful and amazing than I could ever dare to dream. I am just a beggar looking for grace who happened to hit the jackpot because I found a Lover, a Messiah and a grace that has removed my stains and forced me to look in the mirror and forgive myself and to learn how to let the past go.

Baby steps are okay.
At this point in time any sort of movement forward is in fact forward momentum.
Grace enough for today is in fact enough for today.

Quote of the Day:

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."
-Elie Wiesel

I really need to start flexing my satirical muscles some more...the fires of angry and confused religious people aren't as hot as they should be.