Night into Dawn

I want to run from you.
Flee as far as I might.
From the east is as to the west.
My fear of being loved is too much.

I am.
That is the best I can manage.
You know me, my soul.
I am so...
I just am.
I can't think of anymore to say.

I complain, I cry, I rant...
But here I am.
Good and bad, ugly and beautiful
everything that I am.

Thank you for loving me.
I can only love because you first loved me.

I may be feeling like thawed out death...but it is nice to write some...and feel a little bit better.

Every bit helps.

Psalm 146

"Praise the Lord!

Let all that I am praise the Lord.
I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
and all their plans die with them.
But joyful are those who have the God of Israel[a] as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God."
-Psalm 146:1-5


I love you, I love you Daddy...you are so wonderful, beautiful and giving to one as shallow and immature as I am...and I can be.

No one knows me.
No human here will ever know me...would want to know every dark and disgusting about me...but you know and you never stopped pursuing me.
If anything, the harder I fought against you and tried to run...the greater the grace and beauty you wrapped me in.

I have seen and felt so much disappointment and pain...these temporal trinkets of wanting material things, of wanting marriage and a family...it is all fleeting and everything I am will perish and be wiped from this world so soon...I just want to be caught up in loving you when I die.

As often as I complain, as cynical as my heart can be...can I just sit here in this exhausted and sickly stupor, can I sit here and have you hold me close?
Hold my head to your chest so I can hear your heartbeat and love for a wicked son such as me. I want to feel you, I need to be near you...not just words, not just pious religion...but you Abba, Daddy...my love and beginning and end.


Every time I stumble into a relationship...I've caused so much pain. I never realize how destructive I am to others and myself...how me loosing sight of you and trying to find happiness and meaning in relationships...just causes me to become so dependent that I loose the ability to function when I loose someone, anyone...not to mention the hypocrisy that I vomit in my words.

How can you love so a wretched and unworthy sinner as myself?

Thank you, thank you...oh daddy, thank you so much.
Just let me find peace enough for the night as it turns into day...keep me close and show me the love I will never be able to understand.

Help me...give me strength to endure this indefinite period of singularity and the honest reality it won't end until I take my final step from this life and have you to wipe away my tears and comfort my broken body and soul...give me enough grace for today...let me find myself in you so I can just make this next step as best as I can.

Psalm 145

"The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
yes, to all who call on him in truth.
He grants the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
The Lord protects all those who love him,
but he destroys the wicked."
-Psalm 145:17-20

Righteous?
Justice?
Judgment?
Grace?
Fear?
Religion?
Salvation?

None of these terms mean anything to me right now...I don't need a cosmic deity that holds all of creation in the palm of his hand. I need a Father, a Love who will not abandon and leave me here. That will never grow tired of me or decide I wasn't the best thing available...but sees me for all of my disgusting imperfections and still loves my broken and sinfully needy self.

I cannot do it.
I have tried and I can't.

I hurt too much.
I am human and so needy, so broken...so imperfect and wanting you close again.

I need the Man of Sorrows mentioned in Isaiah 53...the Lover from the Psalms and Song...the man Jesus in the Gospels who carried my sin and bore the wrath of God for me...I need to feel the rough arms of a loving Daddy who has lived through this Hell called life and will hold me until I am okay.

I just...miss the closeness...the intimacy of your spirit burning in my heart, the peace beyond understanding that no matter the Hell you were with me always.

So tired, so worn down from the pain...I just want to lay here in this darkness...just lay in this grace and float to whatever distant lands you are calling me to...

Thank you, thank you for caring...for loving me...thank you.

...I cannot help but pause and look at the utter ridiculousness of all of this.

All of it.

Really?
Yes, really.

So asinine.

Quote of the Day:

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself."
-C.S. Lewis

God, the Cosmic Dentist

Which is worse to deliver to someone, bad news or no news at all?

I hate giving people bad news but I find having no real news to be so much more frustrating after building up hope that I was finally on the way out of this sickness.

The invasive test today was painful, annoying, embarrassing, awkward and even though biopsies were taken there is very little chance of them showing anything new.

Until the doctor gets the results from the biopsy and has a chance to review the CT film there really is not much else that can be done. Tentatively he is calling this a postinfectious case of IBS(from either the Dysentery from China in 2005 or the Diverticulitis that payed me a recent visit) which is being amplified by my low pain tolerance and my old and dear friend fibromyalgia.

Despite my rather cheeky response of how things can't be worse and "At least I am not currently engulfed in flames" I really am too tired to try and make a clever joke to try and defuse the situation. I am frustrated and tired from being in pain. I am so sick of having to take large amounts of medication to just scrape out the most basics of function.

How long will these symptoms persist?
How much worse can this really get?
A lot of people I talk to who have fibromyalgia have to file for disability by their 30's because of being unable to cope with the pain and their loss of functionality. I can't think of anything for me that would be more horrible than that...the fact I can barely make it to my classes upsets me but the thought of not being able to do anything is what I would consider my own personal Hell.

I am not really even sure why I am bothering to write all this out and post it online...I hate to complain I would rather just suffer in silence and grin and bear it rather than risk inconveniencing someone.

However, the one rule I made for myself when I started my blog "Recollections Gone Wild" is that I would never censor myself from the truth. I would never name names but be honest about my struggles, failures, joys, successes and just how generally insane life is and how awkwardly beautiful God is.

And life feels insane right now.
I feel much too tired to do anything and the last thing I want to do on Monday is drive back to Mobile to desperately try and catch up in class...but what other options do I have?

Lay in bed and suffer?
Give up on living life?
Just stop caring about dreams?
Check out before the day drags on anymore?

One thing I have tried to always do is be honest about my relationship to God. It is so important to me that I try to never disguise or hide doubts and struggles...what is the point? Jesus created me so he already knows what I think and putting on a fake pious attitude helps no one, much less me.

I have never been one to just sit and wait for a burning bush to roll into my room and toss me a clipboard with a list and map of what to do with my life...but honestly at this point I am not thinking that far ahead or even wanting to.

The fact I have a glass of tea, my cat beside me and music to help stir my soul is the most relief I am going to have for now...maybe for awhile.
I'm not giving up on life as much as I am just so worn down and need to rest...maybe things will look bigger, brighter or shiny in the morning.

I don't know.
I honestly do not know.
God scares me to no end because there is no promise or guarantee things will get easier. Contrary to the rabid Pollyanna thought of well meaning Christians, the only thing Jesus promises is that he will be with us and that we will suffer. In fact it seems those God wants to us more he lets go deeper into the grind and suffer.

This quote from C.S. Lewis kind of sums up my thoughts right now:


"The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed - might grow tired of his vile sport - might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety.

But supposed that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take you choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.

Either way, we're for it.

What do people mean when they say, "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?" Have they never even been to a dentist?""
-C.S. Lewis

(Even More) Medical Mystery Fun

For those keeping tabs on how things are going for me health wise I have another appointment at UAB at noon tomorrow to have some rather invasive testing done to determine the state of the infection in my GI track and the proper course of action for treating it. I can't say I am exactly thrilled about more poking and prodding but it seems like for the first time in YEARS I have a real shot at having things change for the better.

It's been a bit of a rough and tumble week with being sick, trying to keep up with homework while being three hours from school...and for once in my life I am actually missing the convenience of the cafeteria's food. I have also missed classes, walking across the campus, tea with amazing friends and the sort of general insanity I have come to expect from being at UM.

Life is sort of funny in the sense that things rarely turn out the way we think they would or even could...and yet there is so much beauty in the unexpected turns. I don't think many of us would have chosen the path we are on if we knew how much the pain would be...yet no matter how dark it gets or how vivid the pain there is still so much potential, so much hope...so much goodness left in the world.

There is every reason in the world to give into despair and quit but I have refused to...just looking beyond the superfical pain that runs throughout this world and below it there is so much good. I have seen that goodness in all of your prayers, mugs of tea, messages, hugs, book, stories, in class, laughing and just being there to listen and care have helped me in so many ways.

Thank you again and again.
Thank you.


"No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first."
-1 John 4:12-19

So much pain...to look for a cure...bit of irony there too...

Breathing, moving, seeing, hearing, feeling...all of these sensations are such overloads...and pain.

Good God, why, why, why?

What is there to gain from this battle?
I just want to lay down...and never ache again, never...

Quote of the Day:

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

*Cue mad laughter*

Curiouser and curiouser...serrated teeth and words dripping with venom...

Hrmm...

Because time is still flowing in a linear fashion...hrmm...

Hmm...it seems my sense of humor is getting increasingly darker...

Normally I would have found that upsetting.
Instead...it is absolutely hilarious.

I think...it might be a tad unhealthy...however if I can treat things like that as being so inconsequential that I can laugh...I might just make it a bit longer.

And be able to help someone in the process.

Well something happened at least.
More awkward procedures to come.
Bah...so tired and achey.
Oh wells.

Could be worse.
Much, much, much worse.
Thankfully it is not.

Here goes the hope that this will not be a visit in vain...a waste of gas...hope, hope, hope.

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything

Hey you
What you running from?
All your hate
What you've become
Bet you didn't think
It would happen to you
All used up
Half way through

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

Medical Mystery Fun

For those who keep up with me and my life I tend to be sick.
Quite a lot.

Last month I had some out of the blue stomach issues that turned out to be a rather nasty infection in my GI track by the name of Diverticulitis. Because of the nature of this infection it is very possible that this on again/off again disease could have been what has plagued me sense my disastrous mission trip to China back in 2006.

I have an appointment at the Kirkland Clinic at UAB in the morning at 8:40 and hopefully, hopefully this will lead to some actual progress and a real permanent solution to where I am not sick about three fourths of the time.

Thank you all for your prayers, concern, encouragement, words of wisdom, random jokes, posts...and all the general zaniness I have come to except from this group of crazy and amazing people that make up my family and friends.

I'll do my best to update everyone when I find out what is going on.
Thank you again.

Quote of the Day:

"Hermits United. We meet up every ten years. Swap stories about caves. It's good fun... for a hermit."
-The Doctor

The thing is...even with how excruciating the pain is...how I am being swept up into a sea of nausea...and pain, such pain...I know this isn't the end.

I have to keep going.
I am supposed to meet someone...there appears to be more.
This is just a layover...because I have to do more to help.

I have only scratched the surface.
I have so much more to learn...so many more people to meet...maybe I can help, do something good or nice for once...

I have to try.
I don't know if there will be anyone to do it...if I don't try.

I think my brain just exploded from the sheer awesomeness of Dr.Who.

I believe the term "meh" comes to mind...such silliness...

I...

Words aren't really even worth the effort at this point.

Several levels of severe and eye piercing irony I suppose.

I swear if I hear someone use the term "epic" or "legendary" or...or...anything of that nature...again...I think I am going to snap and start throwing books at them.

World of Warcraft, I have you to blame for the cultural saturation of those terms.

Curse you and your lack of roleplaying servers that are actually roleplaying.

That...is strange to see...and know...and...

Yeah.

Not sure why I bothered with that trail of thoughts...