My hands tremble from caffeine
and stress of bearing my soul into writing,
emotional history
becoming distress,
dissimulating reality
only as I have seen it
and as the music blares from the machines
to the earphones,
into my soul.
I find it impossible
to not consider,
to not wonder
and think of how you fare as
one who lives in another world,
so far away
and apart from anything I have known.
I'll be wide awake thinking about the cross
and the sacred bond
that binds the hearts of all who believe
and I wish your heart well in its venture.
It is always silly to base life on dreams
but if all were to dream
and there was hope for only one
my prayer
and the hope I dare
is that this dream continues to blossom
and bloom
bringing you joy
from here until eternity.
From the hands of the Father
may the blessings fill your heart
to such levels of overflowing
that you loose footing
and drift into His arms tonight.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"Sure Shot" - The O.C. Supertones
"I wanna do the right thing.
I wanna be the sure shot.
I wanna have my mind straight.
I wanna have my point got.
I wanna be a good man,
I wanna have my act down.
I wanna be the future
and I wanna be right now.
Sometimes I feel
like I can change the world.
But I don't know where to start.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.
I wanna see a life change.
I wanna see a new man.
I wanna fight the good fight.
I wanna take the right stand.
I wanna be like Jesus.
I wanna pour my heart out.
I wanna pick my cross up.
I wanna hear the mob shout.
I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart."
A Sojourn into the Shadowlands
“He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
-Revelation 21:4
The photo series of ‘Murder She Wrote’ by Angelique Strum is a rare example of a provocative, thought evoking and truly artistic endeavor by an artist who is a Christian. Although the definition of what makes a Christian artist is a topic better left for another essay it will suffice to say that by using such an uncompromising theme in her work it is pointing to higher things than the frivolities found in works by the likes of Thomas Kinkade. Similar to the gospel of Jesus, her art is forcing people to move beyond mere religious sentimental platitudes and force people to deal with the taboo and awkward subject of death in incredibly concrete terms.
In Jungian psychoanalysis one of the most recognizable archetypes is that of the Shadow. This Shadow is made up of the darker aspects of our inner conscious and the biggest pains that people seek to repress in their lives. Jung wrote that "Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” By acting as a sounding board art is able to draw out these darker thoughts and repressed emotions that would otherwise never be considered or properly dealt with.
One the single most difficult subjects for me to write, speak or much less talk about is that of family. The Christian subculture in the southeast tends to portray the typical all-American Nuclear family as the norm and anything existing outside of that as being abnormal, dirty and something to be ashamed of. Given the choice who would want to grow up barely having contact with their father and then loose him at the age of eight? Who would want to grow up having to navigate the conundrum of life, having to discover what it really means to be a man and having no one to guide them by the hand?
From some of my earliest memories up until today I have dealt with issues of low-self-esteem, bouts of deep depression and intense moments of social anxiety. Based on my brief reading of the work of Jung and the intense reaction I had from viewing Strum’s art collection I believe there is a correlation between these issues and my inability to properly confront the Shadow dwelling in my soul. I have come to believe that the longer I go without reconciling my perception of reality with what is true, the greater the crash will be when I can no longer go about living as though everything was alright.
One of the ways that this Shadow has manifested itself in recent years is concerning my ability to follow through with my faith in feeling called to serve in ministry work. Even though I have had a deep seated faith in Jesus Christ since I was nine years old there has been this hole in my heart, this deep aching that will never be filled because of my dad being taken away from me. The reality of the situation is that I am human. I am a paradox that is simultaneously full of faith, hope, fear and doubt about the goodness of God in a world marred and in decay because of death and the evils of humanity.
There are enough wolves posing as sheep that inhabit the pulpit, the last thing the church needs is another actor pretending to have their life in perfect order. In the course of examining this art I heard the word of Jesus echo in my head, his demand in Matthew 16:24-26 that:
“If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross and follow me. If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it. What will you gain, if you own the whole world but destroy yourself? What would you give to get back your soul?”
By refusing to confront the darkness hiding in this Shadow I have been refusing to be myself and refusing to accept the fact I am in fact human. To carry the cross of Christ means to accept my broken nature and the absolute fact I cannot live this life on my own. I have to cast aside this addiction and crutch of hubris before it envelops my soul. Instead of a lifestyle based on the lie of "do it yourself Christianity" I must come clean about my weakness and my need for a Savior outside of myself.
True art will only change the world if it forces people to examine who they are, what they believe and why they believe it. Unless this confrontation occurs than a person will continue on a religious path best describe by Marx as being the “opiate of the masses”. A person can only begin to truly find themselves when they cast aside the charade they have grown comfortable with and begin to look deep into the Shadowy abyss of their broken soul and cry out for help.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
-Revelation 21:4
The photo series of ‘Murder She Wrote’ by Angelique Strum is a rare example of a provocative, thought evoking and truly artistic endeavor by an artist who is a Christian. Although the definition of what makes a Christian artist is a topic better left for another essay it will suffice to say that by using such an uncompromising theme in her work it is pointing to higher things than the frivolities found in works by the likes of Thomas Kinkade. Similar to the gospel of Jesus, her art is forcing people to move beyond mere religious sentimental platitudes and force people to deal with the taboo and awkward subject of death in incredibly concrete terms.
In Jungian psychoanalysis one of the most recognizable archetypes is that of the Shadow. This Shadow is made up of the darker aspects of our inner conscious and the biggest pains that people seek to repress in their lives. Jung wrote that "Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” By acting as a sounding board art is able to draw out these darker thoughts and repressed emotions that would otherwise never be considered or properly dealt with.
One the single most difficult subjects for me to write, speak or much less talk about is that of family. The Christian subculture in the southeast tends to portray the typical all-American Nuclear family as the norm and anything existing outside of that as being abnormal, dirty and something to be ashamed of. Given the choice who would want to grow up barely having contact with their father and then loose him at the age of eight? Who would want to grow up having to navigate the conundrum of life, having to discover what it really means to be a man and having no one to guide them by the hand?
From some of my earliest memories up until today I have dealt with issues of low-self-esteem, bouts of deep depression and intense moments of social anxiety. Based on my brief reading of the work of Jung and the intense reaction I had from viewing Strum’s art collection I believe there is a correlation between these issues and my inability to properly confront the Shadow dwelling in my soul. I have come to believe that the longer I go without reconciling my perception of reality with what is true, the greater the crash will be when I can no longer go about living as though everything was alright.
One of the ways that this Shadow has manifested itself in recent years is concerning my ability to follow through with my faith in feeling called to serve in ministry work. Even though I have had a deep seated faith in Jesus Christ since I was nine years old there has been this hole in my heart, this deep aching that will never be filled because of my dad being taken away from me. The reality of the situation is that I am human. I am a paradox that is simultaneously full of faith, hope, fear and doubt about the goodness of God in a world marred and in decay because of death and the evils of humanity.
There are enough wolves posing as sheep that inhabit the pulpit, the last thing the church needs is another actor pretending to have their life in perfect order. In the course of examining this art I heard the word of Jesus echo in my head, his demand in Matthew 16:24-26 that:
“If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross and follow me. If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it. What will you gain, if you own the whole world but destroy yourself? What would you give to get back your soul?”
By refusing to confront the darkness hiding in this Shadow I have been refusing to be myself and refusing to accept the fact I am in fact human. To carry the cross of Christ means to accept my broken nature and the absolute fact I cannot live this life on my own. I have to cast aside this addiction and crutch of hubris before it envelops my soul. Instead of a lifestyle based on the lie of "do it yourself Christianity" I must come clean about my weakness and my need for a Savior outside of myself.
True art will only change the world if it forces people to examine who they are, what they believe and why they believe it. Unless this confrontation occurs than a person will continue on a religious path best describe by Marx as being the “opiate of the masses”. A person can only begin to truly find themselves when they cast aside the charade they have grown comfortable with and begin to look deep into the Shadowy abyss of their broken soul and cry out for help.
A reaction to Marx's view on religion:
Those that view faith as being a crutch or a mere ‘opiate of the people’ are sadly mistaken. In true Christianity the crutches are taken away, the blinding fetters are ripped from our face and we are forced out of our complacency concerning the life around us. True faith in Jesus means a person is no longer concerned with their advancement but in how they may lower themselves to a place where they may serve ‘the less of these’. The only home for the Christian is in the gutters, the slums and ghettos of the world. The friends of a Christian are the prostitute, the beggar and drug junkie dying of AIDS.
There is no place for the politically minded, those seeking personal advancement and the fool who seeks to use God and His people for their gain. The opiate is only found in the dead church whose chief concern is building a tomb for an ignorant and stubborn people concerned only with the shades of paint on the church wall and raising enough money for a new steeple.
The true Christian is concerned with not how much to give but is grieved in their heart that they have gave everything but haven’t been able to feed all of the hungry, clothed all the naked and heal all the diseased.
There is no place for the politically minded, those seeking personal advancement and the fool who seeks to use God and His people for their gain. The opiate is only found in the dead church whose chief concern is building a tomb for an ignorant and stubborn people concerned only with the shades of paint on the church wall and raising enough money for a new steeple.
The true Christian is concerned with not how much to give but is grieved in their heart that they have gave everything but haven’t been able to feed all of the hungry, clothed all the naked and heal all the diseased.
Quote of the day:
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"I'm not Looking for a miracle
Signs and Wonders are things thereof
I caught a glimpse of what You want from me
and what I have is not enough
I read the story one more time
of Those who gave to You Their lives
With no fear or compromise
I want Faith Like That
To see the dead rise
or to see You pass by
Oh I, I want Faith Like That
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss, Oh I
I want the Faith That can move any mountain
and send them to the sea
I want the Faith that can break every stronghold
That keeps you, keeps you from me "
Signs and Wonders are things thereof
I caught a glimpse of what You want from me
and what I have is not enough
I read the story one more time
of Those who gave to You Their lives
With no fear or compromise
I want Faith Like That
To see the dead rise
or to see You pass by
Oh I, I want Faith Like That
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss, Oh I
I want the Faith That can move any mountain
and send them to the sea
I want the Faith that can break every stronghold
That keeps you, keeps you from me "
Monday, March 22, 2010
"The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will
This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will
This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care
But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"
Bleeding Sentiments
My soul, oh my soul is so exhausted.
It lays here in my sick body just broken
and crippled from fear.
Every step forward is a dance back into the night
as I strive to feel
and face to the east while daring to hope
that I might see dawn's first light.
I have held broken lies
posing as eternal truth
and spread heresy
just because it was in this season,
while really I wanted
was to feel You.
I want to feel the Love I fear
and know the eternal is near,
everything is fading and burning
but my faith will endure.
My fear is that I am but straw,
useless chafe
not even fit for the stables
of my Lord God.
The stories I weaved with my imagination
never live up to reality,
I have the audacity to cry out
when my plans fail
and I blame my Lord for the failure that is mine.
Why such indignation?
Why such futility at claiming nothing?
It was never about others
just my selfish pursuit.
I'm just a bastard child of the kingdom,
an invalid barely scraping in.
And still,
somehow
and someway
I am loved.
Despite the vile beast I am,
there is love and grace to cover
even a sinner such as I.
Such unfathomable beauty,
such eternal wonders.
My heart can never comprehend
nor give thanks enough for.
But from here until eternity
I will live
casting my words to the heavens
in praise for the Redeemer,
the Lamb and Lord.
It lays here in my sick body just broken
and crippled from fear.
Every step forward is a dance back into the night
as I strive to feel
and face to the east while daring to hope
that I might see dawn's first light.
I have held broken lies
posing as eternal truth
and spread heresy
just because it was in this season,
while really I wanted
was to feel You.
I want to feel the Love I fear
and know the eternal is near,
everything is fading and burning
but my faith will endure.
My fear is that I am but straw,
useless chafe
not even fit for the stables
of my Lord God.
The stories I weaved with my imagination
never live up to reality,
I have the audacity to cry out
when my plans fail
and I blame my Lord for the failure that is mine.
Why such indignation?
Why such futility at claiming nothing?
It was never about others
just my selfish pursuit.
I'm just a bastard child of the kingdom,
an invalid barely scraping in.
And still,
somehow
and someway
I am loved.
Despite the vile beast I am,
there is love and grace to cover
even a sinner such as I.
Such unfathomable beauty,
such eternal wonders.
My heart can never comprehend
nor give thanks enough for.
But from here until eternity
I will live
casting my words to the heavens
in praise for the Redeemer,
the Lamb and Lord.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
"But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you
Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms
Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?"
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you
Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms
Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?"
Okay.
Thia whole dream thing is becoming silly.
I have never had consistency between two dreams before...much less months apart.
This is sort of irritating.
I would rather go back to dreaming about reading or you know...maybe dream about something fun.
But...reality is a cruel mistress.
However there is grace...and love that can cover over a multitude of sins.
No matter what happens...real, dream, visions or otherwise...there are somethings that will never change.
Love is stronger, more intoxicating and more beautiful than anything of humanity...not to discount the things here...just that...imperfection and perfection and it is much too early for me to try and put some sort of sense into these thoughts.
I'm going to eat some pop tarts and go back to bed.
I do not get paid nearly enough to deal with this sort of thought at this hour.
Thia whole dream thing is becoming silly.
I have never had consistency between two dreams before...much less months apart.
This is sort of irritating.
I would rather go back to dreaming about reading or you know...maybe dream about something fun.
But...reality is a cruel mistress.
However there is grace...and love that can cover over a multitude of sins.
No matter what happens...real, dream, visions or otherwise...there are somethings that will never change.
Love is stronger, more intoxicating and more beautiful than anything of humanity...not to discount the things here...just that...imperfection and perfection and it is much too early for me to try and put some sort of sense into these thoughts.
I'm going to eat some pop tarts and go back to bed.
I do not get paid nearly enough to deal with this sort of thought at this hour.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I am absolutely baffled as to whether or not things are shaping into good or...or better good?
I will never get used to things actually seeming to go...right.
It is scary.
I know I shouldn't treat God as this vengeful kid going after ants with a magnifying glass...but at any second everything could end...and what little joy I have can be stolen by death and disease.
It is terrifying beyond words...but I can't just live in this cave under Samford dorm forever...
I will never get used to things actually seeming to go...right.
It is scary.
I know I shouldn't treat God as this vengeful kid going after ants with a magnifying glass...but at any second everything could end...and what little joy I have can be stolen by death and disease.
It is terrifying beyond words...but I can't just live in this cave under Samford dorm forever...
Quote of the Day:
“Ceremony leads her bigots forth, prepared to fight for shadows of no worth. While truths, on which eternal things depend, can hardly find a single friend.”
-William Cowper
-William Cowper
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I am feeling a serious amount of vindictive rage towards those "Christians" who seek to make those with a past feel inferior...as though they are somehow NOT human.
God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...
God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...
Quote of the Day:
“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons...(as)...things.”
-Lawrence G. Lovasik
-Lawrence G. Lovasik
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