I don't quite understand why my body works so hard against me...but I have...some hope here and there...

Who am I kidding?

My only hope is Christ and that this shell and soul will be redeemed...that this age will pass away soon...and the next will bring peace...will bring hope.
That is all I have.
Oh come quickly.
Let this heart not worry,
let this soul find rest
even in this world of chaos
and the pain ripping through me.
My body and soul needing rest
but not finding it...
Let there be a measure of relief,
just carry me through this night
love me Lover.

I...want to go wandering throughout this snowy wasteland.
Feeling the cold pierce my bones.
My body is broken and my soul feels...

It's amazing how much more lame I get with each passing day.

One foot forward while loosing several steps at the same time.
Life is full of silliness...to become bitter is stupid.
There are too many good things to let disappointment crush me.
A smile is fit for every occasion, garnished with tears or otherwise.

Flames Within the Shadows

I've bitten on the fruit
and feel the poison spread.
The finger I point
that spreads the venom I accuse
is just a misdirection.
Hoping I can hide who I really am
from the masses, from you
and most of all me.

I'll never be able to run far enough
to hide from You,
all I can do is embrace the lies
and hope I can hide underneath my shame.

It's true I'll fight You ever step
just so I can hold onto my pride
and bathe once again
in this Hellish flame.

Collect these tears in a basin
and catch them before they fall,
let they be a reminder
for the past, for this present
and carry me into the future
as I want to leave here forevermore.

Carry me in grace
or let me fall to Sheol,
just don't leave me here.
No longer in this purgatory.
Don't leave me here.

Lord...what am I doing?
Really?

Oh insomnia...old friend...we meet again...
I do wish you would stop stirring up my thoughts though.
Being a fatal optimist is hard enough without your intervention.

Ack.
Oh.
There is no...
Well there...maybe...

But...maybe...just that...thought...

Quote of the Day:

“It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”
-Mark Twain

Reiteration

Acid etch this soul,
leave a mark
just as You can,
make it new
and draw out anything worthwhile
that may be left.

Make this as it can be,
make it the best
and dry every tear
of every broken heart
and take away the fear
from every crippled soul,
just be.

Help me forget me
and just burn away
this profane emotion
and make it possible,
just plausible
for there to be renewal
because I don't
I just can't
see what You see.

All I see is this wall,
coated in everything I am not
and everything lacking.
Rambling, loose words
in need of loosing.








Never.
Silence.
Pain.

But as sure as I am of pain,
hope refuses to leave
even as I try to cast it out,
here it shall be.
Take me,
redeem me.
Love me.
Please.

"the storm it rages in my heart, the endless empty roars in my ears
my world is coming all apart, i've no strength left to dry my tears
and through it all i hear your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
calms the storm inside of my soul as you whisper 'peace, be still...'"

I have never been happier to do a little cleaning...every little bit helps.
There is no obligation or pressure...so it's easier to act out of love...

I just wish it was this easy to show love to everyone and...I wish this wasn't such an issue of convenience for me.

On the Way to Midway

I saw the clouds part in splendor
showing both heaven and earth
encased with a red hue.
Fireflies danced off the window
as my eyes looked
and searched
for what was never there.

This moment,
this trip,
this very second
was years in the making.
Except I was in the wrong direction,
the wrong place.
Everything I had assimilated
and exported in reason and mind
was because of this.
Was it not?

What is it you are looking for?
Who did you expect?
Are you surprised this tomb is empty?

The slab of rock is broken
but still awaits
what is the next sacrifice.

I play at metaphors
while waxing at sacraments,
not knowing of the things
of which I speak.

I dreamed from my chair
that I could see the sunlight
refracted in your eyes,
that red mixed with blue
making a haze
which startled me to waking.

Of where do silly dreams come?
What is this madness which seizes us?
Drives us?
Compels us to come?

I cannot begin to express what I wish
because I do not even know it.
I sat there typing a letter,
sending words
to a man dead for sixteen years.
Fluttering thoughts to the heavens
and whatever is in the in-between.

I spoke of fear and trembling,
doubt that refines the soul
just as sure as the sacrifice will.

There is pain in offering my hope
and fear
and dream
and whoever is foolish enough to follow after me.

I did not intend to get here
but somehow I did.

Thoughts, metaphors and the like.
Where this ends...I know not.
I just know it is some new beginning
when all I asked for
was just a single resolution.

"I've got a ticket to the moon
I'll be leaving here any day soon
Yeah, I've got a ticket to the moon
But I'd rather see the sunrise in your eyes.

Got a ticket to the moon
I'll be rising high above the earth so soon
And the tears I cry might turn into the rain
That gently falls upon your window
You'll never know."

...and going...going...gone from Mobile...

Tonight went so much better than I thought it would.
Just getting to laugh some...and have some...happy seconds.
Was nice.
Warm fire.
Tasty smores.

Why am I so stressed out?
What does this even matter at this point anyway...

I just realized how asinine me trying to maintain friendships with eternal optimists is.

Stress.
Stress.
Oh stress...

Please quite this ragging storm within me...pride, anger, lust, terror...radical idolatry and the fact I exist is proof enough I am broken...I can't handle this burden...the pain of carrying all of these broken things on my back...

"I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they’ll never see
They don’t know something’s wrong with me
And just as well, I’ll never tell what’s underneath the scales
I’ve worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
So bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I’m never coming back
And if you’re mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"

Meh.
I'm so not in the mood to be a hero right now...

I swear I am not a masochist...I just have bouts of temporal stupidity where I forget where I am just long enough to open myself up for more.

Blaise

Everything I was is nothing that I am.
Such shadows glimmer
as they fade away,
burning out in the night
as rays of life pass through.

Reasoning and resonance,
hope eternal
and grace abounding
in this empty hole.

Quote of the Day:

"This must be Thursday, I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
-Arthur Dent

Oh goodness...my thought process, my ability to comprehend is so so shallow...I know so very little...it is as if the last decade of me studying Christian doctrine and serving has been just to demonstrate to my mid-twenties that all I know is that I know nothing.

Thank you Socrates.
Anything else I should know whilst on my less than merry way?

I need...I need...freedom and to breath and peace.
All of these things...and so much more.

So many free flowing thoughts at an hour that should be too early for people to be allowed to make important decisions.

And...ye gads...my body freaking hates me.
Is it too much to ask that I simply live and not feel like burning exploding magma filled death on top of an emotional turmoil?
Ack.