Oh how I can't stand the part of me that is such a fatalist and doubter of all that is good...

Such an odd and exhausting night...

"But if you can't close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine

Be still my heart, I hear your back cracking
It sounds like music to me
I see your face and I can hardly breath
It looks just like a song to me"

I wish my body did not hate me and would stop trying to reject the fact I am alive. =/

Late Night Pain Induced Ramblings

I have got to learn how to deal with stress better...it feels like I've been kicked right in the stomach...and just...God I need help...serious help.

I keep hearing about all these horrible and bad things happening to friends...and I feel powerless. I mean...when bad things happen to a friend that is Christian...I can relate and there is that common ground of "Oh yes, Jesus does love us and has our best interest at heart but life will still suck and horrible things will happen because somehow this is for some sort of greater good." but with my friends who aren't...I am always at a loss for words...I can't even hug them because of the distance...so it's just me wanting to cry while praying.

I know it's stupid...and so needlessly messianic of me...but I just wish I could take away all of their pain and show them the Love I have seen and felt...I am already hurting so why not add more pain to what I am going through? I sort am beginning to understand what Paul meant when he wrote about being willing to trade away his connection with God just so the rest of his 'family' could know.

I hate feeling like I'm simply proselytizing...because it is the difference between telling about love and showing love...and I wish my heart and life wasn't this black hole of contempt, bitterness and selfishness...so maybe I could get over myself and the fact I am in pain...and actually do something to help someone.

...I feel like I whine about this all the time...but...I just want to give love...because it's what I have been given.

I hope I don't make things worse.

Why must technology fail the only time I need it to work?!?

"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

"Matthias Replaces Judas" - Showbread

I have so much and so little to say at the same time.
Words...seem to be absent these days...

...it is way to freaking early in the morning to have to hear someone sing opera. #_#

Quote of the day:

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Why me?" Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal... your name just happened to come up.""
-Charlie Brown

I am a rather silly human being for smiling over something so small...and though I am touched with the curse of hyperbole...somethings really are just better left unsaid...except with a smile of course.

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

I felt sort of melty right now.
Is that even physically possible?

So close to being done with this weeks massive projects...I slept much longer than I meant to but my sanity is more intact than it normally would be...I may be actually on the verge of learning how to balance my time with writing stuff for school.

Scary stuff.

I'm still not used to this whole being an adult thing...

Trying to make sense of what is going on with these texts and on in my mind and soul right now is a dozy.

I like writing about this stuff...now why is it so hard to...you know, actually write about it...

"If Jesus Christ is true
then I am mostly lies
if Jesus Christ is Love
then I have failed to try
if Jesus Christ is Life
then please just let me die
let...this...die..."

Lord, why do I have the distinct feeling you are about to take all of my plans, put them in a blender, hit puree and then throw the whole contraption out the window while I look on in confusion and horror?

I get the fact You are infinite, incomprehensible, terrifying and by all accounts a nice guy to drink wine with, but at what point did I start taking what is the right thing to do and make it all about me?

This isn't a disaster...far from it...it's just confusing and it is stressful to have to hang here in the air while waiting for something to happen...

...it's like how I've applied to xxxChurch for their internship three times now and have been turned down each time...was that even something You told me to do? Is any of this ministry stuff even YOU? Or is it just my megalomania wanting to try and 'save' people to make Matthew look good?

I'm not under the deluded impression that there is a 'good' or 'right' way to come to you...there is no selfless way to turn to you over anything because that is all I am ever really concerned about...me and how people fit into my plans, my wants, me this...my that...

If I haven't been listening...I am.
I have a lot of work to do but I am listening.
If you want to be a help please set my systematic theology and new testament text books on fire and speak to me from them. It's not that I need a sign or anything but I just really, really, really hate those books.

Help me keep my sense of humor while it is nighttime.
I just...I have no words.
Just bad jokes.
Help.
Please?

Stress.

Upset.

Exasperation.

Empty dorm room again.
Somewhat yay.

Lot's of homework.
Not so much yay.

Stomach is somewhat better.
Lots of yay.

Food.
Nay.

Water and Gatorade.
Yay.

A long useless list.
Not sure why but it just keeps growing itself.

The whole not sleeping thing...not so healthy.
I feel a bit less stressed since I have things outlined...now just to follow through sometime after I wake up in the morning...do that test and start major prep work for Tuesdays presentation.

I am almost feeling a bit creative.
Writings...writings...writing...

Ah oh well...maybe more sleep.

Focusing isn't my forte right now.

It's nice to smile and laugh.

Slept some...still feeling deathly though...need homework done...

No sleep.
Oh well, at least I've got the pain to keep me awake, going and company.
It just is not a very good conversationalist.
Most days.