I felt sort of melty right now.
Is that even physically possible?

So close to being done with this weeks massive projects...I slept much longer than I meant to but my sanity is more intact than it normally would be...I may be actually on the verge of learning how to balance my time with writing stuff for school.

Scary stuff.

I'm still not used to this whole being an adult thing...

Trying to make sense of what is going on with these texts and on in my mind and soul right now is a dozy.

I like writing about this stuff...now why is it so hard to...you know, actually write about it...

"If Jesus Christ is true
then I am mostly lies
if Jesus Christ is Love
then I have failed to try
if Jesus Christ is Life
then please just let me die
let...this...die..."

Lord, why do I have the distinct feeling you are about to take all of my plans, put them in a blender, hit puree and then throw the whole contraption out the window while I look on in confusion and horror?

I get the fact You are infinite, incomprehensible, terrifying and by all accounts a nice guy to drink wine with, but at what point did I start taking what is the right thing to do and make it all about me?

This isn't a disaster...far from it...it's just confusing and it is stressful to have to hang here in the air while waiting for something to happen...

...it's like how I've applied to xxxChurch for their internship three times now and have been turned down each time...was that even something You told me to do? Is any of this ministry stuff even YOU? Or is it just my megalomania wanting to try and 'save' people to make Matthew look good?

I'm not under the deluded impression that there is a 'good' or 'right' way to come to you...there is no selfless way to turn to you over anything because that is all I am ever really concerned about...me and how people fit into my plans, my wants, me this...my that...

If I haven't been listening...I am.
I have a lot of work to do but I am listening.
If you want to be a help please set my systematic theology and new testament text books on fire and speak to me from them. It's not that I need a sign or anything but I just really, really, really hate those books.

Help me keep my sense of humor while it is nighttime.
I just...I have no words.
Just bad jokes.
Help.
Please?

Stress.

Upset.

Exasperation.

Empty dorm room again.
Somewhat yay.

Lot's of homework.
Not so much yay.

Stomach is somewhat better.
Lots of yay.

Food.
Nay.

Water and Gatorade.
Yay.

A long useless list.
Not sure why but it just keeps growing itself.

The whole not sleeping thing...not so healthy.
I feel a bit less stressed since I have things outlined...now just to follow through sometime after I wake up in the morning...do that test and start major prep work for Tuesdays presentation.

I am almost feeling a bit creative.
Writings...writings...writing...

Ah oh well...maybe more sleep.

Focusing isn't my forte right now.

It's nice to smile and laugh.

Slept some...still feeling deathly though...need homework done...

No sleep.
Oh well, at least I've got the pain to keep me awake, going and company.
It just is not a very good conversationalist.
Most days.

...is it not bad enough that I have to deal with no sleep, stress, muscle twitching, being in a perpetually bad/depressed/mopey mood but nightmares?

What few minutes I sleep are vivid, terrifying nightmares.

I just...don't know.

I am far from being in a rational mind right now...almost no sleep this week on top of stress...and I found out I have ANOTHER presenation Tuesday while going through my class itinerary.

Is it too much to ask for a desk calendar?

I knew I was screwed, hands down, but this is looking to be the coup de grâce of my spirit at the rate things going.

My thoughts are following such a lack of any sort of order...I have myself worked up into such a perfect little ball of stress and I am forgetting to breath...and I thought this was going to be the year of trying not to whine all the time...but we see how quickly that went out the window.

Part of me wishes I could just get a hug while laying here...but just...screw it, there is no point anyway...a zero multiplied into a zero still only makes a zero. Nothing is nothing is nothing is nothing...or so it seems to go on about.

Maybe...just maybe a little attempt at sleep now...maybe...

Late Night Walks

I am tired.
Things are not very coherent right now but I'm trying to make sense of the long sadness I feel inside of me.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I haven't really slept much this week...just naps here and there to help baptize my already sick body and mind into getting a bit worse.

I want to run and hide from...what feels like fake light.
I want to see the truth I always miss
and see what in life that is not worth dying for
but the beauty worth living,

I have no doubt things will become even more redundant as things tend to make even less sense as they go along...and God knows I'm lonely but I can deal with being alone, just as I have had to deal with not eating and drinking as I would like.

My body protests a lot and apparently thee skills may allude me.

I am not sure how long that started but they are working on it...well are.

A two mile walk, a hot shower and a shave later...I still can't sleep...the walk and prayer helped...just...I need to formulate this better...so many loose ends...

Screw this...too much noise...too much on my mind...time for a walk...

I think studying systematic theology turns me off so much because of the abundance of holy language being reiterated every few paragraphs as well as the lack of actual systematic structure.

Call me crazy but if I wanted to actually map out beliefs and thoughts like this I would include charts and graphs.

As is I'm wadding through massive walls of text that take a lot to say little. Focusing is hard and ultimately it just leaves me feeling a little miffed.

I'm not even sure what I need to do to become more...open to studying and being willing to learn...this is so hard to focus on because I know so much about it that I do not care. I know enough to know that the people who actually spew this crap out verbatim are typically the ones I have the least amount of patience with because it feels like it is religion and less about any sort of vivid love...but that assumption of mine is inherently flawed because I'm trying to act as a judge and play God.

Ack.
I suck.
=/

Isaiah 43:10-13

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

Yeah...I now have "Nightswimming" by REM stuck in my head.
I wish it could be a more quite night...I'm stuck in the lobby trying to do homework while about two dozen guys run about acting like idiots.

I like having friends visit but I need to do work and...well...it's either this or Waffle House and I'll die before giving up my amazing parking spot.

Quote of the Day:

“To the frivolous, Christianity is certainly not glad tidings, for it wishes first of all to make them serious.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."
-Holden Caulfield

Dichotomic Exchange

I need to feel hope,
I need to breath it in like oxygen
and drink it in like water.
I need to feel it in my bones like heat
and while my heart falls in flutters.
I need it coursing through my veins
replacing the bad blood.
Pushing out every reminder
of the person I was
and reflecting the hope to come.

Playing as music floating across the waters
while waiting here on the eastern shore,
eyes fixated to the west
hoping there is more beyond this eternal sea.

Minor panic attack is almost over.
Breathing again.

Whatever will be, will be.
I just have to focus on taking care of the foremost task in front of me right now.
I can do nothing but control my actions in the now and making amends for mistakes as possible.

I cannot, will not and shall not fail at choosing to press forward no matter how dark things seem and impossible they are.

I was born to live and live I shall, no matter the deep of night and fear of light I posses.

I am an idiot.
I really should just keep my foot in my mouth before I do something else stupid.

Quote of the Day:

"Why blame the dark for being dark? It is far more helpful to ask why the light isn’t as bright as it could be."
—Rob Bell