Lord, why do I have the distinct feeling you are about to take all of my plans, put them in a blender, hit puree and then throw the whole contraption out the window while I look on in confusion and horror?

I get the fact You are infinite, incomprehensible, terrifying and by all accounts a nice guy to drink wine with, but at what point did I start taking what is the right thing to do and make it all about me?

This isn't a disaster...far from it...it's just confusing and it is stressful to have to hang here in the air while waiting for something to happen...

...it's like how I've applied to xxxChurch for their internship three times now and have been turned down each time...was that even something You told me to do? Is any of this ministry stuff even YOU? Or is it just my megalomania wanting to try and 'save' people to make Matthew look good?

I'm not under the deluded impression that there is a 'good' or 'right' way to come to you...there is no selfless way to turn to you over anything because that is all I am ever really concerned about...me and how people fit into my plans, my wants, me this...my that...

If I haven't been listening...I am.
I have a lot of work to do but I am listening.
If you want to be a help please set my systematic theology and new testament text books on fire and speak to me from them. It's not that I need a sign or anything but I just really, really, really hate those books.

Help me keep my sense of humor while it is nighttime.
I just...I have no words.
Just bad jokes.
Help.
Please?

Stress.

Upset.

Exasperation.

Empty dorm room again.
Somewhat yay.

Lot's of homework.
Not so much yay.

Stomach is somewhat better.
Lots of yay.

Food.
Nay.

Water and Gatorade.
Yay.

A long useless list.
Not sure why but it just keeps growing itself.

The whole not sleeping thing...not so healthy.
I feel a bit less stressed since I have things outlined...now just to follow through sometime after I wake up in the morning...do that test and start major prep work for Tuesdays presentation.

I am almost feeling a bit creative.
Writings...writings...writing...

Ah oh well...maybe more sleep.

Focusing isn't my forte right now.

It's nice to smile and laugh.

Slept some...still feeling deathly though...need homework done...

No sleep.
Oh well, at least I've got the pain to keep me awake, going and company.
It just is not a very good conversationalist.
Most days.

...is it not bad enough that I have to deal with no sleep, stress, muscle twitching, being in a perpetually bad/depressed/mopey mood but nightmares?

What few minutes I sleep are vivid, terrifying nightmares.

I just...don't know.

I am far from being in a rational mind right now...almost no sleep this week on top of stress...and I found out I have ANOTHER presenation Tuesday while going through my class itinerary.

Is it too much to ask for a desk calendar?

I knew I was screwed, hands down, but this is looking to be the coup de grâce of my spirit at the rate things going.

My thoughts are following such a lack of any sort of order...I have myself worked up into such a perfect little ball of stress and I am forgetting to breath...and I thought this was going to be the year of trying not to whine all the time...but we see how quickly that went out the window.

Part of me wishes I could just get a hug while laying here...but just...screw it, there is no point anyway...a zero multiplied into a zero still only makes a zero. Nothing is nothing is nothing is nothing...or so it seems to go on about.

Maybe...just maybe a little attempt at sleep now...maybe...

Late Night Walks

I am tired.
Things are not very coherent right now but I'm trying to make sense of the long sadness I feel inside of me.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I haven't really slept much this week...just naps here and there to help baptize my already sick body and mind into getting a bit worse.

I want to run and hide from...what feels like fake light.
I want to see the truth I always miss
and see what in life that is not worth dying for
but the beauty worth living,

I have no doubt things will become even more redundant as things tend to make even less sense as they go along...and God knows I'm lonely but I can deal with being alone, just as I have had to deal with not eating and drinking as I would like.

My body protests a lot and apparently thee skills may allude me.

I am not sure how long that started but they are working on it...well are.

A two mile walk, a hot shower and a shave later...I still can't sleep...the walk and prayer helped...just...I need to formulate this better...so many loose ends...

Screw this...too much noise...too much on my mind...time for a walk...

I think studying systematic theology turns me off so much because of the abundance of holy language being reiterated every few paragraphs as well as the lack of actual systematic structure.

Call me crazy but if I wanted to actually map out beliefs and thoughts like this I would include charts and graphs.

As is I'm wadding through massive walls of text that take a lot to say little. Focusing is hard and ultimately it just leaves me feeling a little miffed.

I'm not even sure what I need to do to become more...open to studying and being willing to learn...this is so hard to focus on because I know so much about it that I do not care. I know enough to know that the people who actually spew this crap out verbatim are typically the ones I have the least amount of patience with because it feels like it is religion and less about any sort of vivid love...but that assumption of mine is inherently flawed because I'm trying to act as a judge and play God.

Ack.
I suck.
=/

Isaiah 43:10-13

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

Yeah...I now have "Nightswimming" by REM stuck in my head.
I wish it could be a more quite night...I'm stuck in the lobby trying to do homework while about two dozen guys run about acting like idiots.

I like having friends visit but I need to do work and...well...it's either this or Waffle House and I'll die before giving up my amazing parking spot.

Quote of the Day:

“To the frivolous, Christianity is certainly not glad tidings, for it wishes first of all to make them serious.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."
-Holden Caulfield

Dichotomic Exchange

I need to feel hope,
I need to breath it in like oxygen
and drink it in like water.
I need to feel it in my bones like heat
and while my heart falls in flutters.
I need it coursing through my veins
replacing the bad blood.
Pushing out every reminder
of the person I was
and reflecting the hope to come.

Playing as music floating across the waters
while waiting here on the eastern shore,
eyes fixated to the west
hoping there is more beyond this eternal sea.

Minor panic attack is almost over.
Breathing again.

Whatever will be, will be.
I just have to focus on taking care of the foremost task in front of me right now.
I can do nothing but control my actions in the now and making amends for mistakes as possible.

I cannot, will not and shall not fail at choosing to press forward no matter how dark things seem and impossible they are.

I was born to live and live I shall, no matter the deep of night and fear of light I posses.

I am an idiot.
I really should just keep my foot in my mouth before I do something else stupid.

Quote of the Day:

"Why blame the dark for being dark? It is far more helpful to ask why the light isn’t as bright as it could be."
—Rob Bell

New Testament Outline - Matthew

Chapter Three - Matthew

I. Contents
-Disagreements over the structure of this gospel arise because there are so many overlapping and competing structural pointers that it appears impossible to establish a consensus on their relative importance.

Three theories to explain and to organize break down the book of Matthew:
1.Some have detected a geographic framework that is related to Mark's gospel.
-This analysis reflects the broad chronological development of Jesus' ministry and preserves some geographic distinction, but it is based on a selection of thematic considerations and does not reflect the literary markers that Matthew has left us.

Weakness:
-Because of the ease of recreating this with the other gospels it does not provide an adequate means for seeing the distinct characteristics of the Matthew gospel.

2.Three large sections, tightly tied to Christological development.
A."The Person of Jesus Messiah" (1:1-4:16)
B."The Proclamation of Jesus Messiah" (4:17-16:20)
C."The Suffering, Death and Resurrection of Jesus Messiah" (16:21-28:20)
-After the two breaks come the decisive words "from that time on" signaling a progress in the plot.
-The Last two of the three sections each contain three summary passages (4:23-25; 9:35; 11:1; and 16:21; 17:22-23; 20:17-19)

Weakness:
-The "from that time on" is not necessarily redactionally important for Matthew that his entire structure hinges on it. It is used in Matthew 26:16 with no break in the flow of the narrative.
-One could possibly argue that there are four passion summaries in the third section, not three (By adding 26:2)
-At both structural transitions he could have been more influenced by following the writings of Mark than by other considerations.
-The outline breaks up the important Peter passage in Matthew 16 in an unacceptable way.
-The christological development is not as clear as alleged: the person of Jesus (section 1) is still a focal point in sections 2 and 3 (e.g. 16:13-16; 22:41-46); the proclamation of Jesus can scarcely be restricted to section 2, for two of the discourses (chapters 18, 24-25) and several important exchanges (chapters 21-23) are reserved for the third section.

3.The most frequently proposed structures turn on the observations that Matthew presents five discourses, each beginning in a specific context and ends with a formula found nowhere else.
1.Discipleship (narrative, chaps.3-4; discourse, chaps.5-7)
2.Apostleship (narrative, 8-9; discourse, 10)
3.The Hiding of the Revelation (narrative, 11-12; discourse, 13)
4.Church Administration (narrative, 14-17; discourse, 18)
5.Judgment (narrative, 19-22; discourse, 23-25)
-With Matthew 1-2 acts as a preamble and 26-28 as an epilogue.

-The weakness of this outline is that it is presupposed that the five part outline was supposed to be a

A Seven Part Outline:

1.The prologue (1:1-2:23)
2.The Gospel of the Kingdom (3:1-7:29)
3.The Kingdom Extended under Jesus’ authority (8:1-11:1)
4.Teaching and Preaching the gospel of the kingdom: rising opposition (11:2-13:53)
5.The glory and the shadow: progressive polarization (13:54-19:2)
6.Opposition and eschatology: the triumph of grace (19:3-26:5)
7.The passion and resurrection of Jesus (26:6-28:20)

II. The Author

-Although the author of the gospel is not named within the text like the Pauline letters, a strong tradition holds that the apostle Matthew is the author.
-There is no evidence that any of the canonical gospels ever circulated without an appropriate designation.
-Until recently most scholars assumed that the four gospels circulated anonymously and that the present tiles were not attached until around A.D.125. This had simply been an educated guess based upon the presupposition that the gospels themselves were entirely anonymous and on the fact that by about 140 (or earlier) the traditional attributions were widely known without signification variations.

-Martin Hengel has examined the practice of book distribution in the ancient worlds and titles were necessary to identify a work to which any reference was made.
-Tertullian's criticism was because of Marcion for publishing his own gospel (which was a highly truncated version of Luke) without the author's name.
-As soon as two or more of the gospels were read in a church setting than it would have been necessary to distinguish between them by the use of a title.
-It is inconceivable that the gospels could have circulated anonymously for up to sixty years, and then in the second century suddenly display a unanimous attribution to certain authors.

Several issues in the modern contemporary debate over the author:
1. Only this gospel refers to “Matthew the tax collector” (10:3). This can be viewed as a sort of self deprecation to the work of which he was apart of before he followed Jesus.
2. In Mark 2:14 and Luke 5:27 the man whom Jesus calls from his role as a tax collector is identified as Levi. The most economical explanation is that “Matthew” and “Levi” are alternative Semitic names for one person.
3.The assumption that Matthew was a tax collector and was author of the gospel helps to make sense of some details (depiction of financial transactions and a fluency of Aramaic and Greek.)

III. Provenance
-Regardless of the stance of whether one holds that Matthew was written by an individual or a group within a school of thought they must hazard a guess as to its geographical origin.
-Because the church fathers held the work to be written first in Aramaic they presumed it to have been written in Palestine.
-Modern scholars mostly hold to Syria being the place of origin because of Palestine being mostly destroyed by about 70AD.
-It is impossible to be certain of the exact geographical provenance of the gospel but nothing of important textual wise hangs upon this.

IV. Date
-There is much debate and argument over the dating of the gospel but a balanced look at the evidence suggests that Matthew was written shortly before 70AD.

V. Destination
Possible intended audiences:
1.Believers in his own area or flock.
2.Because of the predominate exposition of Jewish themes it is possible he had a certain audience in mind rather than a particular location.
3.There also exists the possibility it was intended to be read by all Christians in all locations.

VI. Purpose
-Because the theme of Matthew is not directly stated in the gospel all attempts at delineating are merely conjectures drawn from the themes and how certain topics are treated.

Major Presented Themes:
1. Jesus is the promised Messiah, Son of David, Son of God, the Son of Man, Immanuel and the one to whom the Old Testament points to.
2. Many Jews, especially the leaders, failed to recognize Jesus as such during his ministry.
3. That the promised ‘Kingdom of God’ has already dawned and has been brought about by the life, death, resurrection and exaltation of Jesus.
4. This Kingdom is both compromised of and continued by both believing Jews and Gentiles that have submitted to the authority of Jesus. The wholehearted embracing of Jesus’ teaching of demonstrating love is the witness to the world of this kingdom.
5. This messianic reign is not only the fulfillment of Old Testament hope but the foretaste of the kingdom that will dawn when Jesus the Messiah personally returns.


VII. Text
-The major textual difficulty with Matthew is the same variation issues that contribute to the synoptic problem. (12:47, 16:2-3, 18:10-11)

VIII. Adoption into the Canon
-The Gospel of Matthew was universally received as soon as it was published and continued to be the most frequently cited gospel for centuries.
-As far as known the book never caused division between the Eastern and Western churches such as the letters to the Hebrews did.

IX. Matthew in Recent Studies
-Until recently the Gospel of Matthew was largely ignored by most commentators.
-The most recent and reliable studies attempt to temper traditional historical criticism with a greater literary sensitivity to result in a more holistic reading of Matthew.

X. The Contribution of Matthew
-Because of the close relation that the Synoptic gospels share any contribution made by one gospel must be evaluated in the light of the others.

Six unique contributions of Matthew are:
1. Preserves large blocks of Jesus’ teaching.
-The Sermon on the Mount
-Numerous parables
-The eschatological discourse
2. Complements the other gospels.
-Joseph’s account of the virginal conception of Jesus that contrasts with Luke’s gospel which gives Mary’s perspective.
-Elaborates on the birth narrative in ways the other gospels do not by including the visit of the magi and the flight into Egypt.
3. A complex and rich use of the Old Testament
-The number of Old Testament quotations (fourteen) used to show the link between the old and new covenants which results in a very strong Christological reading of the Old Testament.
4. Treatment of the Old Testament law
-Shows that Jesus came to fulfill the law (5:17)
5. Holds the foundation of what the early church became.
-The debate of the relation between Israel and the church.
6. Percuilar shadings of Jesus character by the use of titles and names
-Associates the title of “Son of David” with Jesus’ healing ministry.
-In referring to Jesus Immanuel, “God is with us” (1:23)

Such strange smiles.

...yeah...mixed metaphors...

Quote of the Day:

"The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot."
-Salvador Dalí