Feverish Pain

So hard to focus.
Pain is so real.
Feeling lost and even though I am stationary it feels like I am tumbling and falling far away.
I do not like the sensation.
I know...I know...the thoughts are coming and going...already so lost...

I want to know the how and why...

I loose my faith so easily...when the pain is so intense.
It is times like this...like when I was in China in so much pain that I forget why I am alive and I simply wish and pray for an end to the pain. Be it death of some other means...because I despair far too easily...and seek after things that were never my own.

I am so cold.
I feel so alone.
I do not have clever words.
I feel lost and isolated.

I do not know what warmth and what it is like to not have the burning sensations robbing me of strength and focus.

Where is this?
Where to?
Why can things not simply be more easy?
Or maybe just less pain for once?

One oddly nice night.
Sickness though.

Still...so sick...and blah...feel like I've been ran over multiple times.

Quote of the Day:

“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”
-Charlie Brown

I'm not doing so bad for feeling like thawed out death.

Can't breath...gonna fall over...ack...flam building in lungs... x_X

Quote of the Day:

“A God who let us prove his existence would be an idol.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It's the small things...the very small things that make life not just enjoyable but worth living.

However...peace, hope...and love eternal are a beautiful canvas to pain a life on.

The fact that there are "Christians" who are saying the earthquake in Haiti is the judgment of God is tapping into the source of rage I normally reserve for Westboro church.

Isn't it LOVELY to have people in such direct contact with God they can not only tell us His EVERY thought but those in Heaven and in Hell?

Oh Jesus help me to learn how to love because my rage wants me to do things that would only shame You...

-Dayquil
-Gatorade
-As I Lay Dying
-Rabbinic Stories

Such an odd combination but for now it is working.

I think the fever is gone but it is so cold I would rather just wait and see...and see...

Fever...and nyquil make for some bizarre dreams...I hate vampires, why are they in my dreams?

Shoo.

I would rather dream about reading my books for class tomorrow...or sleep writing my masters thesis so I will not have to do it later.

Worst case scenario I would rather dream about a girl...granted, they tend to be as safe as dealing with a full sized dragon...but at least (some) are not vampires.

And the fever begins...ack....

Quote of the Day:

“The really good idea is always traceable back quite a long way, often to a not very good idea which sparked off another idea that was only slightly better, which somebody else misunderstood in such a way that they then said something which was really rather interesting.”
-John Cleese

I hate causing awkward moments.
I can say with quite honesty that it depresses me...I cannot help how people react...but having people look at me as though I was some sort of...thing that should be removed from their presence...it is a bit saddening.

Besides my aches and pains the only other really bad thing is I think I am coming down with a cold or something else...really bad headaches and my throat hurts and fever...

Seeing one of my best friends from my time down here at Mobile was nice...a reminder that there are other humans that live in this area. Hyperbole I know...just...

The Bible study tonight was nice...along with classes it is encouraging to see leaders actually advocating deeper learning and pushing the students to dig into the Old Testament to attempt to understand the historical context of their faith and how Christianity can only be understood from a Jewish perspective.

And rambling.
On and on and on like I do best.
Words to hear myself speak.

I'm not ready for what is next...so it is nice to know it won't be...

Whatever and ever amen.

Hope for the hopeless.

Rabbis and Such

As always with any Mashburn class, Hermeneutics is already giving me a deeper insight into the teachings of Jesus. There always is the idea of people bringing their own ideas into what literature says...the fact people twist Jesus' teachings to suit their own agenda is nothing new.

The Jewish thought of taking scripture and all the commentary built around it and going off of that...is an interesting concept. Why did certain Rabbi's feel one way towards this law and felt more that this is the appropriate interpretation?

Jesus taught with stories and questions...following in the line of Rabbis that the Pharisees themselves were not just a part of but a major part of the influence of Jewish theology for the past two thousand years.

What I'm interested in doing is reviewing the method of which Jesus taught the parables...actually attempting to look at them from the perspective of a first century Jew familiar with how Rabbis taught might actually give a better perspective on how radical and how unique Jesus' ministry and teachings were/are.

Part of the problem of being a 21st century Caucasian protestant who has grown up in spoiled America is that I have no idea what it was like to be a poor Jewish denizen being repressed by the Roman Empire.

Context for understanding any teaching, literature, poem, parable or question is important...otherwise you negate any possible meaning by the preconceived notions you bring to the table.

Hmm...more later I suppose...

To Hermeneutics and beyond!

I'm awake.

It is nice to be able to just lay here in bed for a little while.

Even with the pain and stress...it is nice to just be able to breath.

Pain is unavoidable...but I guess part of life is choosing what to do with that pain...although at the time it is hard to make any rational and logical thoughts concerning it.

I am trying not to over think things...and just take this process one step, one breath, one moment at a time. Even with all the fears and doubts running in the background...right now I feel the impossible peace that I can only successfully blame on Jesus.

I am here but I am not...

Who I am...and who I am not...multiplied by the fading vistas that surround the evening sky.

Everything and nothing at once.

Pure paradoxical contradiction that is mixed with redundancy.

But I want to feel...want to be overwhelmed by what it means to be alive.

Prayers...a lot of those right now...mixed with traces of doubt and fears of my own inadequacy. Wishing I could take on the weight of others so they could be free...prayers laced with profanity because of the injustice I see around me...

I want to feel more than just the base elements I have been engaging for a while...I want my body, my mind and soul to be taken up in the song...and I want to feel You again...I want to just let everything...everything...fade and refocus as it ever will...

Having some sense of what I am talking about what be nice as well...but I can't have everything...can I?

Quote of the Day:

“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”
-C.S. Lewis

So...plus five points for good thinking about how I could get studying done at the commons/cafe.

However minus several hundred points concerning the idea that there would actually be people here to socialize with.

Do kids these days not drink coffee or something?

Revised Song of Hope

Muse dear Muse
sing a song of roses and the kingdom,
of the sun giving life
and all that is yet to come.

Sing a new song full of hope
for the days passed
and for the measure yet to come
as the sea continues to crash
on the Western shore.

Remind us of the hope alleviating the fears
of the shadows racing across
as the Dark continues to fall.
Reminders of divisions failed
and the hope burning inside
as the heart chooses to beat again.

With Hope unstoppable,
Peace renewed
and Love undefinable
these words take form and fly
from lips to ear
with a gentle cry
and the expectation
of all to come.

Dear Muse sing
and sing again
as the Night comes
and beats against your wings.
Sing for the day to come,
the eternal Dawn
which will burn away every trace
of fear and distortion.

Hope is coming,
hold tight.

Quote of the Day:

“We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time.”
-T.S. Eliot

Fooling, Foolish Inklings

Like the rest of this tune that has gone amiss, I'm feeling a bit out of place and out of sync with matter which I thought I knew for sure. But really it is my own fault for making assumptions about things as fickle and untrustworthy as humans, not that it is wrong to trust or fall or rise up for any of this but at the same time...

How much of it is with reason or point?
I try to make things work in my mind.
I'm good at making the illusions seem real.

Maybe I owe people some apologies but at the same time I suppose no one has a gun held to their head to where they are forced to talk to me. Getting around talking to me is so easy...I wish it was as easy as removing myself as a friend from facebook so I wouldn't have to deal with myself. I understand why people can get sick of dealing with me...because I am sick of dealing with me.

I hate how undependable I am, I can't stand how I break commitments based upon how my health is, I cannot stand how weak my resolve and heart are, I wish I was a better Christian, I wish I would stop complaining, stop being judgmental, I wish I could be a good little lamb and stop questioning and trying to fix the world...but here I am with all my flaws and aches and my pains.

None of you are ever under any obligation to stay.
You are invited to stay for the remainder of the show.
Just bear in mind that if you cut out earlier there will be no ticket refunds.

It's not possible to reboot or reset this mind, do a memory wipe or make everything equal out a certain way...welcome to being human and trying to deal with the fact no one is who you would like them to be and everyone is wishing you were different (at some level or another, various shades of shallowness do apply).

And...those who love me for who I am are just a handful.
The rest know me so little that they would not understand my complaint about them not understanding me at all.

The question is why are YOU here?
What did you come to see?
I don't have much right now and it looks like things are going to be the same for a while.

I feel like I'm plugging in the holes of a ship.
One thing gets better and another hole happens.

I am quite worried about my left shoulder and arm...my fibromyalgia is acting in ways I have yet to see before...it feels like I pulled a muscle or at least was hit by a baseball bat...but nothing happened to it. I just had the misfortune of waking up and now using my left arm or hand sends excruciating bolts of pain through my body.

What did I do to deserve that?
How is waking up a crime?
Stuff happens...just making a point to myself.
If by chance you pick up something along the way, splendid.
If not, no surprise here.

I am tired.
Tired of me and my words.
But I am stuck with them.
I envy you, who do not have to live with me.
You can shut me off, shut me down and do anything you want to drown out my voice and you are so lucky.
I wish I could sink to the level that some do in being able to shut their voice out but I can't.

There is no serious way I can drown the voices out.
I refuse to drink and although my pain levels would require any sane doctor to give me narcotics it is best I do not have them because I would be addicted to them in a heart beat.

So my body collides against my soul which hits this frigid stone of reality that makes my bones burn because of the cold.

Why?
Why can I not be like everyone else?
I didn't ask to be special enough to be a fool that has to care about everyone and scare people away because I do not understand certain aspects of basic interaction. If people do not want to share or communicate it is as easy as telling me to go away or just die...or something. I'm not sure what the proper social colloquialism these days.

I do not want to believe in love but I do.
I feel it and God it hurts.
I wish my heart would stop bleeding as it beats so I could catch my breath.
I hate feeling the pain of everyone I am around but I do.
Typically those who mean the most do not realize, do not believe or do not care and so the pain is amplified.

At least I have that handful of people who care.
I wish I could be content with that and just stop caring about the rest of the world.
I can't.
Even the things I hate and that hurt me...I can't stop thinking about or wanting to help.



The more I see, the more people I talk to the more exhausted I am.
Jesus, Jesus...Jesus.
Why?
I know I won't be getting an answer I like...but whatever way it goes...You know I am here and will be. No choice really...but there is love and not just mindless obligation.
Just give me the resources I need, the people so I do not go crazy...and please take the pain in my soul and body away so I can try to function.
Pleas.e

Reason

Reason, reasonably...

I hate how my thoughts, emotions, spirit, mind and body all just do there own thing...I hate the burning fire coursing through my body trying to take control of me.

I just wish this thing could die.

Never to rise again.

So church.
It's a big one.
With a college program.
I hope this isn't as weird or awkward as I am afraid of.
Numbers.
Yikes.