"It's good to be alive..."

In so many ways it's so nice to just...feel free and that the constant worry and fear is dissipating.

Last night was troublesome because my brother in law may have had a heart attack...and me being several states away and not really being able to help comfort my near hysterical sister did not...help things.

I'm so disappointed with the whole concept of...family.

Being here is redefining it in ways I'm not sure I realized.
Why is the Christian majority so ignorant and think morality exists only within our fractured and screwed up bubble?

I'm staying with people who do not share my faith...my love of Jesus and I know so many people who would be disturbed by that...who would oppose me and say it's wrong. That is such crap...I have been shown more kindness and love by those who oppose Christ than the charlatans posing as wolves in sheep clothing.

Do you have any idea how outright disturbing that is to me?

Where is this love of Christ?
It's not my faith in Jesus that is wavering...it's just my ability to even trust that other followers are sincere...it's so easy to live in a bubble and judge the world...but this isn't my goal.

I want to love Christ and have that love overflow so perpetually that is overwhelms...that is catches my breath in every way it does...and that maybe it will for others.



It has something...I find amazing and touching and moving in ways I haven't seen and felt in a while...


"These men who have turned the world upside down have now come here...they are all defying Caesar's decrees, saying that there is another king, one called Jesus."
-Acts 17:6-7


I miss that...fire to want to turn the world upside down with Love...the biggest accusations against the early church and the ones I want to be lambasted for. I want to be called a bastard, an atheist for defying the religious and daring to love EVERYONE, those who judge and hate me...as well as the "Least of these" those who would NEVER dare to believe that Jesus loves them for them...

I may be dangerous, I may be on the line of heresy...but unless Jesus loves everyone than I am starting to feel He may love no one. It's not my place to judge or say who is worthy, who is going to Hell and who is deserving...for none of us would have dared to chosen or dared to believe we could be loved...by the Lover.

I refuse to let bigotry or religious/pious double speak be my focus...I want it to be pure love, love that cuts deep and goes beyond words...and is merely my faith being poetry in motion.

I'm going to be visiting with some friends of theirs who live what I can most politely say as being "alternative" lifestyles...and you know what? Jesus would be there, Jesus will be there.


"We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever You walk by.
Cause I still love you.

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"

"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

Awake...?

Mostly replied to emails I got...if I missed you email me again please.
So...so...tired and sore.

Have been napping since I got in.

I do not recall much of last night.

There was some Taco Bell and tea.

They took me to a LARP that was a vampire theme.
It was actually enjoyable and I saw some incredibly nice people who were awesome actors. Don't know if I would ever do something like this because of my lack of acting skills...much more confident in the table top and online RPG RP'ing.

Coming back it was raining on the snow so I slipped and landed perfectly on my back. Still hurting bad.

Need sleep...but more than that rest.




I wish I had a church I could go to...that felt like home.
Some place I'm longing for but have never really...ever seen.

I escaped and came here to...leave it behind...all the thoughts and fears and doubts...but somehow they followed me up I-65. Somehow I am still imperfect even though I keep breaking my back on my self perfected ways...

My heart and mind are still...

Home...*sigh*

"And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one.
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home,
that's where the hurt is.

And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"

So Sleepy

I made it to Chicago.
We all took turns napping in the car and driving.
So sleepy.
Took the rental car back.
Came back to their apartment.
Brain is frazzled.
I think I'm baby sitting for half an hour but the cats are doing a better job watching than I.
I feel less stress and it is nice.

There is snow!

I have emails I must reply to soon.

I have such wonderful friends that are too nice.
I have the feeling it'll be a challenging week...in ways I don't quite understand.

Profound thoughts must wait.
Jesus...help me sort it out over some sleep...I need a bit of grace to understand...

Quote of the Day:

"The road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with weary feet, Until it joins some larger way, Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."
-Frodo Baggins

Quote of the Day:

"Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrased and eventually grateful as you are to be there."
-Anne Lamott

I'm...

Feelings of futility and regret.

Oh well.

Not like...

...or that...to be said...

Because, we all know it will...

...please?

Never mind, what will be will be and everything else...well it's not like you were all that concerned with such trivial matters anyway...

Jesus...when things roll...they tend to just be huge...huh?

Breaking Point

I cannot handle the insanity in this house any longer.
I have tolerated and lived with it for too long.
I do not know what normal is...I just know normal doesn't involve living around guns and being afraid of someone or something dying because people can't deal with and get their personal crap together.

I want to wash my hands of this mess and remove myself a hundred thousand miles away.

It rips my heart apart because every time, every damn time I think I am getting to where it feels things are better...that maybe we can be a family...this crap has to happen and I have to be terrified.

I don't know how...some...can live like this, I cannot.
I refuse to.
If I do not remove myself I will die one way or the other.
I can't function under this extreme stress.

I just am so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of being so mad.
I'm sick of this, I'm sick to death of feeling more alone by the second.

Happiness is a fleeting lie that will never remain.
Human touch is a bigger lie, making promises of comfort that are more temporal and dissipate in seconds.

I can't believe in the lies of family, of friends and love...

It feels like the biggest lie is from Jesus about how all this...is supposed to be something bigger.

My faith is so weak and dying.

It flows, it tosses and turns with my emotions revealing how shallow and fragile I am.

I'm supposed to pretend I am made of stone, that nothing can shake me...but I cannot hold things up by myself...how to hold things up and keep doing this...keep maintaining anything worthwhile.

I'm...falling out.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Quote of the Day:

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."
- Blaise Pascal

Small Geeky Mantra

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.

Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate this place?

Doctor appointment tomorrow at 10:30...yay...

Quote of the Day:

“The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God than the troubled disbeliever”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
— Donald Miller

"Something keeps me awake, something outside is stirring
Through the dark and over the grass
The rabbits and snakes are concurring
They sing in the soil and bones rattle loud
They cry out as this they do see
Someone in those walls is suffering proud
For you are worth every ache within me

I don’t hear music, don’t hear anything
I see dirt, I see cement
What a troubled world it is when you’re outside arms length
It pulls out it’s teeth in dry irreverence

Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done

Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me"

Quote of the Day:

“When we see the face of God we shall know that we have always known it. He has been a party to, has made, sustained and moved moment by moment within, all our earthly experiences of innocent love.”
-C.S. Lewis

Funny Funny

After a long day with one or two very nice pick me ups...this video made me laugh...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=rec-HM-r2

I'm such a foolish idiot.

Quote of the Day:

“All mortals tend to turn into the things they are pretending to be.”
-C.S. Lewis

Bleeding out the Pain

So much and so little
all in waves
and decrepit fallacies.

I purchased false notion
at the price of trust,
I feel my naivety
is returning
and is starting to bite at me.

Why do I entrust so much
to frail human hearts?
What masochistic part of me
refuses to allow me to cut off,
remove myself from this plague?

It's a struggle to maintain balance
and a fight to understand,
to process the why
and what is to come.
Why must hearts bleed
and everything
come by pain?

So tired,
so weak,
with nothing left
I simply coast on these waves
praying I find solace in solitude
and I can cut off every part of me
that ever was weak enough
to desire the need for others.

I would almost rather to in my ache
than to feel the razor blade of love
slicing deeper into my soul,
spilling my blood
and leaving nothing of me
as all drink their fill.

But surely I am being melodramatic,
it could not be so bad
to live
and be alive?
There is much to be grateful for
but oh so much I tire of.
I'm so sick of being a slave to others
and trusting their words
and their lies about caring.

I would rather this ocean
between my Love and me
be crossed
so I can find peace
and safety
from this temporal insanity.

I would rather forsake everything here
and never look back
then ever breath this air again
and feel the corrosion of my lungs.

How long much I ache,
much I cry,
much I long for
before I see You?

Nothing here is mine,
everything is dying
and I want nothing more.

The only prayer I have
is for freedom,
to feel the shackles of this sin
and this broken soul
broken so I can fly
and fly free to my Love.

No more pain
and no more shame,
just the unity
of the Loved with the Lover.

This heart causes me no end of drama and regret.
So much of me wishes I could just..wash it all away.
Cast is aside and start anew.
And never walk down this road again...

I hate my emotions...things feel too explosive for my own good...

I need to get away from everyone and everything.
I wish there was a place I could for for a few days to just recharge.

There will be no peace until that day...
It's so hard to just...press on.
You know?

Quote of the Day:

"Christian makes a great noun but a poor adjective."
-Rob Bell