Breaking Point

I cannot handle the insanity in this house any longer.
I have tolerated and lived with it for too long.
I do not know what normal is...I just know normal doesn't involve living around guns and being afraid of someone or something dying because people can't deal with and get their personal crap together.

I want to wash my hands of this mess and remove myself a hundred thousand miles away.

It rips my heart apart because every time, every damn time I think I am getting to where it feels things are better...that maybe we can be a family...this crap has to happen and I have to be terrified.

I don't know how...some...can live like this, I cannot.
I refuse to.
If I do not remove myself I will die one way or the other.
I can't function under this extreme stress.

I just am so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of being so mad.
I'm sick of this, I'm sick to death of feeling more alone by the second.

Happiness is a fleeting lie that will never remain.
Human touch is a bigger lie, making promises of comfort that are more temporal and dissipate in seconds.

I can't believe in the lies of family, of friends and love...

It feels like the biggest lie is from Jesus about how all this...is supposed to be something bigger.

My faith is so weak and dying.

It flows, it tosses and turns with my emotions revealing how shallow and fragile I am.

I'm supposed to pretend I am made of stone, that nothing can shake me...but I cannot hold things up by myself...how to hold things up and keep doing this...keep maintaining anything worthwhile.

I'm...falling out.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Quote of the Day:

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."
- Blaise Pascal

Small Geeky Mantra

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.

Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate this place?

Doctor appointment tomorrow at 10:30...yay...

Quote of the Day:

“The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God than the troubled disbeliever”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Quote of the Day:

"Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
— Donald Miller

"Something keeps me awake, something outside is stirring
Through the dark and over the grass
The rabbits and snakes are concurring
They sing in the soil and bones rattle loud
They cry out as this they do see
Someone in those walls is suffering proud
For you are worth every ache within me

I don’t hear music, don’t hear anything
I see dirt, I see cement
What a troubled world it is when you’re outside arms length
It pulls out it’s teeth in dry irreverence

Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done

Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me"

Quote of the Day:

“When we see the face of God we shall know that we have always known it. He has been a party to, has made, sustained and moved moment by moment within, all our earthly experiences of innocent love.”
-C.S. Lewis

Funny Funny

After a long day with one or two very nice pick me ups...this video made me laugh...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=rec-HM-r2

I'm such a foolish idiot.

Quote of the Day:

“All mortals tend to turn into the things they are pretending to be.”
-C.S. Lewis

Bleeding out the Pain

So much and so little
all in waves
and decrepit fallacies.

I purchased false notion
at the price of trust,
I feel my naivety
is returning
and is starting to bite at me.

Why do I entrust so much
to frail human hearts?
What masochistic part of me
refuses to allow me to cut off,
remove myself from this plague?

It's a struggle to maintain balance
and a fight to understand,
to process the why
and what is to come.
Why must hearts bleed
and everything
come by pain?

So tired,
so weak,
with nothing left
I simply coast on these waves
praying I find solace in solitude
and I can cut off every part of me
that ever was weak enough
to desire the need for others.

I would almost rather to in my ache
than to feel the razor blade of love
slicing deeper into my soul,
spilling my blood
and leaving nothing of me
as all drink their fill.

But surely I am being melodramatic,
it could not be so bad
to live
and be alive?
There is much to be grateful for
but oh so much I tire of.
I'm so sick of being a slave to others
and trusting their words
and their lies about caring.

I would rather this ocean
between my Love and me
be crossed
so I can find peace
and safety
from this temporal insanity.

I would rather forsake everything here
and never look back
then ever breath this air again
and feel the corrosion of my lungs.

How long much I ache,
much I cry,
much I long for
before I see You?

Nothing here is mine,
everything is dying
and I want nothing more.

The only prayer I have
is for freedom,
to feel the shackles of this sin
and this broken soul
broken so I can fly
and fly free to my Love.

No more pain
and no more shame,
just the unity
of the Loved with the Lover.

This heart causes me no end of drama and regret.
So much of me wishes I could just..wash it all away.
Cast is aside and start anew.
And never walk down this road again...

I hate my emotions...things feel too explosive for my own good...

I need to get away from everyone and everything.
I wish there was a place I could for for a few days to just recharge.

There will be no peace until that day...
It's so hard to just...press on.
You know?

Quote of the Day:

"Christian makes a great noun but a poor adjective."
-Rob Bell

I came, have seen and finished another first draft of a novel. It has never felt better to type the words "The End" before.

Now to go celebrate by eradicating a large host of zombies.

Does life get better than this? I think not.

One thousand words left and counting...

So cold...so sleepy...so tired of writing...ack...#_#

Quote of the Day:

"And what is worst of all is to advocate Christianity, not because it is true, but because it might be beneficial."
-T. S. Eliot

My Brain Hurts

Comments like this are one reason I'm so happy I somehow disabled the comments on this blog:


"My take on Rob Bell is that he is very interesting, but slightly dangerous. Like most post-moderns he loves to question everything and leave you with few answers.

The Emergent Church is just another spin of the old liberal bottle.

Be careful with this guy. He can lead you astray."


There is so much blatant ignorance in this statement that my brain is about to explode from the mass contradiction.

At what point is Jesus supposed to be served on a silver platter of simplicity?
Why in God's good name do people keep using the term 'liberal' in such a way it is supposed to be a dirty word and cause strife?
Why do people insist on acting like the terms 'post-modern' and 'Emergent Church' are actually defined? And that they are the ones with all the answers?

Bah...so silly to be upset over ignorance...but presumptuous attitudes irk me beyond belief.

"Our selfishness consumes us.
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased Your name,
that I erased Your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay"

The last 24 hours of NANOWRIMO...

Am I a Sell Out?

I just helped a friend in a anthropology class by filling out a survey about my thoughts and beliefs on death, Heaven, Hell, eternity and God.

It sucked because I had to put a limit on my words.

I do not think I did an adequate job in trying to express Jesus' love for us...and I just...that is the only thing that keeps me running. The One Thing that means everything to me and I cannot really put it into adequate words.

I can't describe love, eternity, hope, peace, Jesus and...all of this in the words I want to use.

I mean, I understand people being worried about going to Hell...but what about those already living this life spent in Hell? They do not feel the presence of God, they do not have clean drinking water, they are dying of cancer or AIDS...I mean...I just think it is possible having our focus on million dollar evangelism campaigns while neglecting the hungry and cold is being negligent.

I do not feel comfortable going up to random strangers and telling them Jesus loves them because they do not know me or have had a chance to see the Jesus inside of me. I have been told by God to talk to people and tell them about Jesus and it was weird...and strange how eternity can come to a head in such a vivid way...but I almost feel that is the exception and not the standard...for me at least.

Truth be told...I just am selfish and want to run away.
If God gave me the option I would leave all of you right now.
I cannot begin to express the ache in my soul that comes from being apart from my Love and how the only time life makes sense is when I feel that...presence of love. The Lamb whispering and speaking softly to my soul.

That is what eternity will be.
Being with my Love and having my vision cleansed from the lies I tell to justify myself.

My personal Hell is overcoming the lies that life does not matter and has no meaning. That I do not matter and have no meaning.

Studying and learning about so many horrifying things in life...genocides, murder and people being ripped apart by life...I do not understand why I am whole at all and why I am alive when so many are not.

I feel the need to justify my existence, to somehow explain why it is ME who lives and not a thousand others.

Thanks be to Jesus who puts us all on equal footing.
I do not love tradition or religion...I love God and feel such pining in my heart for peace that I will never be able to put into words.
I do not know what I believe about everything but I know I am clinging so desperately to Jesus and the love he bore with a cross.

The blood that forgives and cleanses my soul...that makes life so much more beautiful.

I am going to make an effort to stop trying to understand everything...and try to be grateful...for this love. Maybe it's the wrong choice but...I want to feel this peace...I want to know what it means to feel the Love that reaches through eternity course through my body and soul.

Everything is dying...and I'm ready to feel it more...more...more...

It's all I need, the only thing I understand and the only thing I can and will.