"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Is praying for death all that wrong? Really?

So sleepy...but so worth it to help someone I care about.
Sacrificing for those I love...it is redeeming.

*sigh* 'Up' is such a sad and depressing film.

So tired...borderline annoyed...

Musings on a Muse...just poor words incapable of speaking expectation mixed with the loneliness of the day.

Little Song Bird

Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.

I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.

Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.

No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.

Being back in this apartment in bizarre...so many...thoughts and memories...

My soul,
oh my soul so tired
so worn down and exhausted.

Note to self:

Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.

Nine hours, three classes.

Hooray.

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** ** ** ** **

Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.

TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson



** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:

English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE

English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--

Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR

And I'm here...drinking coffee and writing...so tired...but it's nice to be back at someplace that almost...just almost feels like it may be...home.

Sick again.

My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.

Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.

I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.

I feel like crap.

But I'm excited.

So yes.

I will finish dressing, finish packing and cast my lots to the wind and pray to God my freaking car doesn't explode in route.

I feel as though I were the one that fell down a flight of stairs.
I am going to need an obscene amount of caffeine to survive the drive down.

Hmm...

A phone call.

I'm feeling so overloaded.
I want to crash and fall down,
just simply explode
and let my inner thoughts burn outside
as they have seared my mind.

I can't tell if what I am onto is something...or just plain insanity.

Oh well...

"Love is Blindness" - U2

"Who Wants to Live Forever?" - Queen

I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.

I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.

If I get back into school God help my future roommates.

I can't focus.

I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds Five

Being upset at others because of my own assumptions and thoughts is pure madness.

I just really wish I could be free of this all.
No more doubt.
No more shame.
A reduction of the pain I live in and to have true clarity so I can see again.

Quote of the Day:

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

"You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything"

Cyclic Nature

So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...

I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?

I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...

Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.

Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...

Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?

No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.

I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.

You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.

There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.

My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.

I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.

I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.

I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.

I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.

I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.