Despite my increasing pain my hope has not been murdered yet.
Yeah...you know what of and what for...
It's not the end, I do not know what is beginning...but this is not the end...

All encompassing darkness.

"Because I'm already gone
Felt that way all along
Closer to you every day
I didn't want it that much anyway"

Ah...the unending joys of abdominal pain mixed with no sleep.

Could my life get much better?

I think no.

Quote of the Day:

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
-Socrates

Feeling...quite weak and shaky...nothing too bad...just a bad day.
Things could be worse...thankfully it's looking up.
Bright lights ahead, hope eternal...even when hurting...even in pain..and being so distant and away...

Would anyone be surprised, or really care, that I'm in a lot of pain?

Worse...and...worse...

God I hate pain.
Please?
Please help me.
Just make it stop.
God please.

Why didn't someone tell me about the next Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book being out?

http://www.amazon.com/Another-Thing-Eoin-Colfer

Who fell down on the job with that one?

I would sleep if I could
but then that would be giving,
giving in and giving up
and to what end?

"not just a feeling
it's the reason
we know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's straight
that little voice inside

as I lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
no more, no less

and in this world turning gray
strikes a chord when i say
there is black
there is white
there is wrong
and there is right"

Peculiar oh so peculiar.

Quote of the Day, the Fourth:

"I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole? "
-Morpheus, 'The Matrix'

A Post Marked Letter

Someday I hope I can bring this,
someday I hope to give,
someday I hope to return
and have it not miss.

I want to give you
these things,
I want you to have
so much,
but it's not my place.

Everyone wants security,
the trappings of divine love
and the freedom from being guilty
and how I can give it
I know not.

I just know my words are weak
and my rhymes are fleeting
at this very late hour.
But there is sincerity
lining my hope.

I feel the sunrise
and know the morning
will be rushing all to soon
and what of the night?
There is a sacredness,
this divine covering
oft times missed at this hour,
witching and bewitching it is.

"If God Will Send His Angels" - U2

That was an unexpected, albeit way too short, blessing from above just now.
Heh I know I try too hard and it may seem silly...but sometimes it is nice to just see that now...if that makes sense. =)

"Hold Me Jesus" - Rich Mullins

Quote of the Day - Part Three:

"I grew up hearing everyone tell me 'God loves you'. I would say big deal, God loves everybody. That don't make me special! That just proves that God ain't got no taste. And, I don't think He does. Thank God! Because He ...takes the junk of our lives and makes the most beautiful art."
-Rich Mullins

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"I am deeply distressed by what I only can call in our Christian culture the idolatry of the Scriptures. For many Christians, the Bible is not a pointer to God but God himself... God cannot be confined within the covers of a leather-bound book. I develop a nasty rash around people who speak as if mere scrutiny of its pages will reveal precisely how God thinks and precisely what God wants."
-Brennan Manning

Quote of the Day:

"The Bible is not a book for the faint of heart--it is a book full of all the greed and glory and violence and tenderness and sex and betrayal that befits mankind. It is not the collection of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice--it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we even know to ask."
-Rich Mullins

It feels like every time I get my mind off of...and not thinking of...

Everything comes rushing back at once.
As much as there can be with so little.
I think I just need to find a way to keep my mind engaged and not worrying about the future, just taking care of everything I can as I can.

It's as silly as infatuation is...

Being lost in me as I'm lost in...

I can't give a concise disposition because of..

So much and so little at the same time.

Aggravating inconsistencies as I wander about wondering and being curious about what is to come, in this and all there is to see.

Charlie Brown...drawn Manga style? o_O

Quite an interesting take on one my most beloved cartoon strips:

http://shuroki.com/2007/07/22/charlie-brown-manga-style/

Note: I just realized that the post for those drawings was done on my twenty-first birthday...strange.

It is rather amazing that the number of problems I have that suspiciously vanish when I just sleep for a while.

If I ever get back on a regular eight hour sleep schedule I think I'll loose my poetry writing skills but I'll regain a slight semblance of sanity.

Oh decisions, decisions...

It's sad what depresses me and gets me into ruts and to how seriously I contemplate death and the nature of suicide.

This is all just so unnaturally silly and pointless.

I'm not a nihilist, life has meaning but everything people are getting so worked up about is meaningless...

Ecclesiastes is about the only wisdom book in the Bible I bother to constantly reread but the basic message is to love and fear God, do work you love and enjoy marriage.

That is it.

Love God, love people and stay busy.

Nothing else, no other expectations and God that is nice.
Because right now I just don't care.
I'm so sick of everything else and don't want to bother contemplating the absolute absurdity of what this all doesn't mean anymore.

I don't even want hugs or to be seen.
I want enough peace and quiet from the feelings of unexpressed internal agony long, freedom long enough so I can just finish why I'm here so I can lay down and go to sleep.

I want to go Home.
I can't stand being an outcast, this alien with no homeland...I'm a stranger who is only getting more lost and disconnected as the days go on.

Only a handful know of the Lover I speak of, only a few know what it is like to look up and realize you ARE standing in the hand of eternity and that hand loves you and died for you, died and lived again to fix the mistakes you made.

I need to know someone who feels it as deep, feels the agony of sin and know it's been washed away. I need someone to help me that loves Jesus more than they could ever hope to love me...I just need a reminder that despite the drowning feelings...that everything is going to be okay...I'm not the only one insane in this overwhelmingly dull and sane world.

I'm so sick of the hate, of the pain and all this useless trash.