"I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all"

God I can't handle this.

I hate myself so much, so freaking much I need to do something...I have to do something to stop this madness...this insanity screaming in my ears.

Please help me not to do something stupid...I don't know how I can hang on.

Help.
Please.

I am being mocked by my laptop.

It booted up windows normally, finally, then it shut itself down without me prompting it and now...it's stuck on the perpetual update that will never update.

Windows Vista - Still hasn't surpassed Windows ME in sucking but goodness...it is almost neck and neck at this point... ~_~

Screw it.

Back to bed.

Okay.

My laptop works...now?

What?

Seriously?

I am confused.

Brain is hurt.

Such a funny, strange but nice feeling...

"October" and "New Years Day" - U2

Chest pain is a new symptom...God I hope this doesn't get much worse tonight.
I'll live...I just feel weak and...so...strange.

*sigh*

I can't win.

I can't find church...

It's weird reading over the past couple of years...keeping this blog is encouraging...well not because some problems have persisted over two years...but because I have hope that the dawn is coming.

Thank You for Your love...and everyone, thank you for reading this, for praying, for the messages.

Special thanks to you, yeah you know who you are.

Yeah.

=)

"With Pollyanna" - Bill Eager

I believe the morning sun
Always gonna shine again and
I believe a pot of gold
Waits at every rainbow's end
I believe in roses kissed with dew
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?

I believe in make-believe
Fairy tales and lucky charms and
I believe in promises
Spoken as you cross your heart
I believe in skies forever blue
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?

You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
You can call me Pollyanna
Say I'm crazy as a loon
I believe in silver linings
And that's why I believe in you

I believe there'll come a day
Maybe it will be tomorrow
When the bluebird flies away
All we have to do is follow
I believe a dream can still come true
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?

You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
I believe in friends and laughter
And the wonders love can do
I believe in songs and magic
And that's why I believe in you

You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' this way about you
There's not much I can do
I'm gonna be this way my life through
'Cause I still believe in miracles
I swear I've seen a few
And the time will surely come
When you can see my point of view
I believe in second chances
And that's why I believe in you

I want to believe in infinite possibilities,
that Love, eternal Love wins.
That the pain cannot last through the morning
and that the Beauty
the intoxicating Beauty
that found me will carry me
and never let me be the same.
I need You more now than ever
and more today
and will need You more tomorrow
carry me please.
I need You.

Trigun quotes

"People who sin say this, that they had to, to survive. People who sin say this, that it's too late now to stop. The shadow called Sin dogs them steadily from behind, silently, without a word. Remorse and Agony are repeated, only to end up at Despair in the end. But the sinners just don't know, that if they'd only turn around, there is a light there, a light which keeps shining on them ever so warmly. A light that will never fade."

"Strong will can stir the heart, but a will too strong can cut off the hearts visibility. The sorrow of a man bewreathed of his family turns to hate, which eventually metamorphoses into the intent to kill. The man’s finger reaches for the trigger. Sins change people. Sin begets sin. But still, I want to believe, I want to believe in the heart, the heart that feels the sin."

Two days...no sleep...ah fine...I'll survive...this is nothing...I've done worse...

I am not really sure.

The less I know...the more intriguing it is but the more confusing it is too.

A breath of air.

It is nice too.

"Stay (Faraway, So Close!)" - U2

"And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough"

Yes...

Oh goodness...here we go again...might as well cue up the White Snake...

I find it absolutely hilarious that my leg pain from doing such absurd amounts of biking is making it so I don't feel my stomach pain as much.

Ha!

Take that nerve cells!

May you continue to be overloaded as long as it needs to be!

Bright Light of the Day Article

http://www.atu2.com/news/bono-u2-give-vip-treatment-to-patient-who-donated-make-a-wish-funds-to-extreme-global-poverty.html

Grace, Tonight

Jesus, Jesus
the world is hurting
and it is falling
coming apart at the seams
faster then it can be held.

Jesus, Jesus
I can't pretend to understand
the why, the how and what is to come
I just know it hurts to see,
it hurts to feel and God it hurts to be.

We have our digital selves,
our reflectance to commit
and so much we hide in.
We will delve
into our selfish sin
not caring,
not hearing
or feeling
or knowing
or caring of truth.

You, You have seen the horror
the show we have made of human life.
The millions of dead bodies
left naked and desecrated
their souls long gone
to be by Your side.
You've held the hand
of the child being raped
and the mother forced to watch
You saw Sarajevo in flames.

You see our nakedness
and you feel such rage
like the insufficient flame
in my degraded heart
and yet
You have held back.

You whisper that word
that phrase unknown
to our lips,
grace.
You see the pain
the tear streaked faces
and You feel the pain
as You hold us.

Dear Jesus I won't understand
I can't.

I just want to be held
while the world is inflamed
strikes by our madness
and know You,
yes You will once again
save this day
only in the way
that the Infinite Love can.

Grace, from my lips
it feels like a cheap sovereign
hawked for cash.
It feels like every televangelist
that pointed the finger
while taking the cash for a trick.

Grace, it feels so cheap.
But it is so painfully real.

Grace, it is pulling my heart.
Grace, it is everything I'm not.
Grace, it is knowing I know not.
Grace, You're giving me the hope to hope.
Grace, I'm bleeding free and laying here
not knowing, just knowing I'm waiting on You.

Grace it is giving me hope
that this Love,
this fragile thing,
will not be killed by our man made Hell
but that Love can win
hope can endure this hellish night.

That Love will carry us
past the Western Sea

"Peace on Earth" - U2

Horrifying Newsbyte

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2009/09/28/az_judge_to_decide_if_10_year_old_faces_rape_trial/

I post this for people to please pray for everyone involved...I don't have words that can express the outrage, sadness and pain I feel from reading this.

"Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth "
-U2, 'Peace on Earth'

"What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine?"

list of random cool words

-phooey
-existential
-quandary
-existential quandaries
-malevolence
-explosion
-awesomeness
-fallout
-philosophical tangents
-litmus
-escathology
-meh
-bleh
-cymbalta


ummm...maybe more to come...

"No One Like You" - The David Crowder Band