On Grace, Maybe...

I am...it feels surreal.

I hope these dreams go away soon...

I found some relics from my dad earlier today...one of the two drumsticks he once got from a Styx concert, a couple of photos, a video of when I was three and we were a 'family', a couple of photos...I've got to find a shoebox for this stuff...

I also found a couple of cards from my grandmother.

It is strange how certain images can trigger chemical reactions...memories I tried to forget...

I need to get to writing...I just am afraid of looking down that black hole.

Is that normal?

It's silly fear the past or finding out things I don't want to know...but I guess there is something in every kid that wants to think their daddy is someone...respectable, someone worth looking up to...that you can believe in and love...yet...I have One who is...but God I just wish i could have a hug...I can remember the last time I had a hug for him and felt the bristles on his unshaven face press against my cheek.

The smell even.

I just wish I knew if he knew Jesus or not...that is one reason I wish I could say that the whole personal commitment thing is okay...but I know being good isn't enough...if Heaven and more important being with God was based on merit badges my dad would be screwed anyway.

I mean...the idea of God loving everyone enough to hold us accountable for our lives...and how desperately broken and lost we are and in need of that love and grace...it takes on a whole new meaning when you HAVE to trust Jesus knows what He is doing.

I wonder what he would think about me call to ministry...or this whole California idea...or trying to get an internship with xxxchurch...clearly some family look at me confused when I mention it...sometimes I wonder if he would get it...or would care...I mean in ways it *doesn't* matter...but in deep ways it would to me.

I'm...who I am...what I'm doing now...I'm spinning my tires and staying put on this spot. I think I've been using my illness, my fear...just as a reason to stay here. I hate, hate, hate being here...it's like being back in high school with what few enjoyable things stripped...

I want to walk on and leave the past behind where it should be...

I'm going to be carrying bits and pieces of this...most days it is manageable but on occasion...the love I feel can seem more like a poisonous wound that almost feels festering.

Things are not as dramatic as I make them out a lot of the time...but...but...words, words, words...

Maybe one day I'll borrow a page from Orson Scott Card's Ender series and maybe...try my hand at being a speaker for the dead.

For those unfamiliar with his sci-fi work...a speaker for the dead is a person that travels from planet to planet and at the request of people they research a deceased person and then speak about them. It's not simply a eulogy because they speak about their entire lives...all of it. The good, the bad and most importantly the ugly...it's a deceleration of the human experince...our condition and need to lie to ourselves that everything is okay when it's not.

I can't say the name David Alan Pike without cringing and wanting to hide my face...I need to...how did John Lennon put it? Cut a vein and let it all pour out on a page? I have a lot of half formed thoughts about that man...my dad...and part of me, the weak part, wants to hide from that...but I know I need to see me for me...and just open things up...air these ghosts and let things flutter and fly out.

I...so beginning was here in Jemison and I was returned here for a reason.

I don't know why...I may not know this side of eternity...but I'm ready to walk forward and see where this is all going.

It's...purpose...it is there...I thought I knew it but...You are there and are holding me up. Thank You...thank You so much...for just caring about me, for letting me having silly conversations, for feeling music, for taking this breath, for whatever challenges I'll see tomorrow...for giving me enough life that I can feel this pain...and the hope that this...that all of this will be okay...will work out and winning my love...thank You.

Help me...step forward.

Offers for help to go everywhere but I feel I should...I suppose the question is how committed am I?

Cleaning...cleaning...cleaning...but no book yet.

How is it possible for me to accumulate so much useless junk in one room?


I'm forgetting something and I cannot remember what it is...higher dosage of medication means less ability to remember and...maybe other stuff too.

Conversations...thinking...how many of the conversations I'm having are real or fake? This is getting crazy...the doctor said vivid dreams but this is a bit...crazy.

Hrmmm...

I need to find my copy of Stephen King's 'On Writing'!

It has been missing for a couple of years...anyone seen it?

Hmm...surprises come in all shapes and sizes it seems.

Don't worry...I'm treasuring both the happy moments and the ever lasting joy...the moment if fleeting but the beauty lasts a life time.

Godspeed you rest beyond rest.

Nausea medication which makes one more nauseated...what madness is this?!?

"Satellite of Love" - Lou Reed

Something of this and something of that.

I'm not busy enough so I may just hide in here.


Sometimes even just saying hey to...familiar...fam...ones is hard.

I'm reluctant in speech and biting down on words by the dozen.

I feel something cold that I don't understand.

If I ever got a new dog it would be awesome to get one of these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon_dog

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tanuki01_960.jpg


What is it with me and having a heart for the animals where God got bored and threw several species in a blender and let it whirl?

A pity I can't get a domestic platypus...

I've been working on a short story...I think I'm almost finished with it.

Hmm...I should start a pool about my health care.

I could have won the one at my mom's office about what was wrong...I guessed neurological about a year ago.

Turns out the good doctor keeps forgetting to write my referral...must keep calling and keep up the harassment campaign!

What was that my poor brain?

The Mayo Clinic is going to cause you to have an aneurysm?

A Little Swing, A Little Dance

Either way is here...everywhere is nowhere but here.
A sonnet...a penny for your thought
Buying these poorly constructed metaphors
and selling feelings I never bought.
Hearing the opening and closing of doors
meaning words I don't know or can hear.

Good night.
Good morning.

Is it still just all the same?
I'm not sure either
I just know it's neither games
or an endless pursuit of pain
nor just this breath of ether
to wake me from slumber.

I'm afraid structure is slipping in
breaking through cracks
making things stack against me
and making whatever this is be
just another step in and out.
In and out of whatever sync
we're struggling to find
in whatever conditioned world this is.

I wanted to open but maybe it should be closed.
Maybe.
I'm not sure either
just that I want to be known and understood
and being understood as being understood.
Time is a friend
or maybe just an enemy in disguise
playing at his game and here we go.
Breaking, falling, spinning
into this place here.

It's just a good night
and a good morning,
sleep tight
and dream until daylight sparks
break through your eyes
lighting up life
and bringing together
another day that might make life
just seem another day.
Knowing I don't know
but knowing just enough
just to say
I hope it's good,
hope its beautiful
hope its wonderful
and more you could ever ask for.
Sleep today
and wake up feeling
more together
and less apart
then you could ever have at night.

Heh...happy, happy, happy?

I'm not sure about that either...now that I think about it.

I forget to...but I meant to ask...who are you?

Everywhere I go, every time I go there I see that one...picture...again and...again...and...

"Suna No Hoshi (Stars of Sand)" - Trigun Soundtrack

"Under a blood-red sky
A crowd has gathered in black and white
Arms entwined, the chosen few
The newspaper says, says
Say it's true, it's true
And we can break through
Though torn in two, we can be one

I, I will begin again"

Two Staples of My Life

I need to inject some hope.

"I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me."

"What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

"Ultra Violet (Light My Way)" - U2