It is not the end of the world...but it hurts bad enough that it...feels like it may be.

You know?

I'm about a dozen feet below rock bottom right now.

The Matrix Reloaded = nostalgia and reminders of how much I miss Mega City...Nin never got to shoot at the Merv...a pity...

Why yes I do want a fatal illness plushie...

http://news.aol.com/article/cdc-gift-shop-sells-swine-flu-toy/652552

So much for getting out of the house and seeing a best friend. =/
Crikey...I'm hurting so much I've cried...this is getting ridiculous.

I'm really starting to hate this useless and sick body.

Why?

Seriously...why?

Exhausted but cannot sleep.

The Odyssey Made Easy

http://geocities.com/organisedchaosau/OdysseusNostos.html

"Naked Lunch" - Showbread

I want to throw up, but for now I hold back
I can’t express just how I’m feeling, its true
You want to grow up, but there’s a problem with that
There’s no where to go for someone who’s as stunted as you
Its true that I’m disgusted with myself as well
My tongue can not be tamed
It’s on a fire straight from hell
I eat the dirt you kick up, and flaw the chord that resonates
A gentle word I can not find a way to enunciate

You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day

Still your voice, pump your stomach
Set the garbage free
Oh I know you don’t get drunk
You just drink socially
Your reasons are all invalids, they can’t stand up
And when you talk I hear the brain cells die
So keep your mouth shut
I didn’t wake up to find myself as a bug
I’ve been one for much longer than I care to recall
I’m not a junkie lost in interzone or under the rug
I just eat the bug powder then I climb up the wall

You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day

God, enough is enough.

No more posts on this day.

There was good and bad but good riddance.

Yes to you as well.

Goodnight and if anyone needs me I'll be pretending to sleep while having a cat claw at me for daring to sleep in my own bed.

Vague Reconstruction

I pour myself out into this dead wood, why?
Tears to be and tears to cry
Meaningless verbs meaning we should.
Should have and never would have been.

And what is this?
What of this?

We are passing and fading into this endless void,
streams of crimson life emptying
repeating an endless cycle
reminiscing of what it means to live and lie.

Red skies,
dark clouds,
bleeding eyes
and this proud clod.

I give you this hand and this lie
holding back my hand while watching life
and everything just fall into order
and everyone is hoping for something better.

We're all hoping for the best
and we'll be passed over
when the time comes
pain flows and it feels like a test
but really all we have is each other
and it never was enough.

Enough, enough.
We say these words with vain repetition
not realizing the hope we hold in hand
and the mindless self indulging it takes
to hold onto hope at night.
Holding on while loosing blood,
loosing self and making this mistake
mistaking it as being chronically okay
to believe in mediocrity.

Battered shell holding hope,
it stands and remains.
No broken sword
or swollen vessel bursting
can remove this shining glimmer,
this burning fragment
holding up your soul.

The problem has always been choice
and this matter is no different.
But by differential digression
we've arrived here.
Enough of this charade
and enough of clutching this pity
and sardonically embracing pain.

I bring this burnt husk to you
asking to be healed.
Reminiscent of bird songs
and the hope of blue skies.
True I have always been unfaithful,
mine has been the life of deception
the mask of Judas.
But here we stand,
two hearts and souls entwined.
My First Love as has been before time,
before this crime
before my fallacy
and the decay of my soul.
You loved me, just loved me.

Take this battered and broken soul
held in this hollow husk.
Make of it what You will,
craft as only You might.
Make of it as You will
for Your love outlives my darkest night.

Some Music to Write and Live For

The more I think about it...consider the fallacies of this...it's empty...so vain and reminiscent of all that I hate about this world.

How do things...thoughts, relations, concepts...all of this break apart...and then it is irrelevant to cohesive thoughts...it's circular...nay? Running like circular logic...poor metaphors involving cages and wheels.

"Issues (Think About It)" - Flight of the Conchords

...Avast has been scanning for almost 48 hours...that is odd.

I'm also...stressed...God I don't know what is exactly wrong...maybe it's the medication not working like it should yet...or something. Just so freaking restless...and nauseated and wishing I could wipe things out and start again...

As fun as panic attacks are...I'll pass...really I will...

To delete or not...I hate the lack of privacy and all these stupid social networking groups do is set up more drama...

CRIKEY! My family is stalking me on facebook!

It won't be long before they discover this...I must burn everything!

Where did I stash the industrial electromagnets?!?

I was wanting to read some poetry so that was a pleasant surprise.

A quote to live by...

"Humankind cannot bear very much reality."
T.S. Eliot

If this is what having a hang over is like...I'll never understand why people insist on ingesting toxins when they have no actual need to...oie...

"God made us number one because he loves us the best
Well maybe he should go bless someone else for a while
And give us a rest"
-Ben Folds

It may be the new medication but my understanding is at an all time low.

I feel so...strange...warm and odd.

The White Queen's errant knight has returned from many wondering wanderings.

Exhaustion, pain, confusion and befuddlement.