Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Grey Sunrise
Been up since about three AM reading...thinking...hoping...praying.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Sunrises Forever
I've got nothing but time
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Resettlement of the Heart
Oh dear Love, dear Love
this is me speaking.
How lame are my limbs
how dumb is my tongue
and how deep in my aching.
My words may not express
even as a Muse hovers near
and I may only confess
my insufficiency here
as I fumble loosely for change,
change here
change now
a change for forever.
Grace to heal these wounds
Grace to forever rearrange
the structure of my heart.
Rewrite Your words on my heart.
Restructure so I may love,
break this wall down
so I can feel
and I can know whom this love is of.
this is me speaking.
How lame are my limbs
how dumb is my tongue
and how deep in my aching.
My words may not express
even as a Muse hovers near
and I may only confess
my insufficiency here
as I fumble loosely for change,
change here
change now
a change for forever.
Grace to heal these wounds
Grace to forever rearrange
the structure of my heart.
Rewrite Your words on my heart.
Restructure so I may love,
break this wall down
so I can feel
and I can know whom this love is of.
Sacred Falling Notes
I feel and see the futility.
I want to give up.
It's not real.
None of it ever was.
Strip me of my eyes so I can on longer see, take my ears so I may not hear, take my heart so I will never love and strip away my ability to feel.
It's not a question of believing in love...my faith is weak and I doubt it can overcome the disgusting frailties of humanity...I doubt few if any know what this Love is...what it means in the context of eternity...how it rips meaning from Your life and makes everything worthless. everything eternally worthless.
Too numb to feel and too dumb to speak.
I'm fooling around with cheap drink, cheap drugs and even cheaper sex not even knowing the source of my own misery is me waking to realize I never slept. It's all running in circles while making me feel cheap, cheaper and much more less than I truly am.
I remember eating a sandwich with her and it hurts.
I want everyone to like and accept me, when I don't get what I want I become this child who hurts and hurts with no sense or bearing of the the eternal and how it is all it is.
I doubt many understand this...and if they do it's distance ripping things apart...I want to give up and surrender my soul but it feels like I have nothing left...nothing except hope and trust that I am something more then a dying body with an infection infested soul.
Does it really matter that...even though I make it about me...that nothing except Everything is related to me?
You made it this way...everything and nothing...all at once.
How beautiful, how terrifying of You.
Isaiah 1:18-20
""Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out.
"This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so."
I want to give up.
It's not real.
None of it ever was.
Strip me of my eyes so I can on longer see, take my ears so I may not hear, take my heart so I will never love and strip away my ability to feel.
It's not a question of believing in love...my faith is weak and I doubt it can overcome the disgusting frailties of humanity...I doubt few if any know what this Love is...what it means in the context of eternity...how it rips meaning from Your life and makes everything worthless. everything eternally worthless.
Too numb to feel and too dumb to speak.
I'm fooling around with cheap drink, cheap drugs and even cheaper sex not even knowing the source of my own misery is me waking to realize I never slept. It's all running in circles while making me feel cheap, cheaper and much more less than I truly am.
I remember eating a sandwich with her and it hurts.
I want everyone to like and accept me, when I don't get what I want I become this child who hurts and hurts with no sense or bearing of the the eternal and how it is all it is.
I doubt many understand this...and if they do it's distance ripping things apart...I want to give up and surrender my soul but it feels like I have nothing left...nothing except hope and trust that I am something more then a dying body with an infection infested soul.
Does it really matter that...even though I make it about me...that nothing except Everything is related to me?
You made it this way...everything and nothing...all at once.
How beautiful, how terrifying of You.
Isaiah 1:18-20
""Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out.
"This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so."
Split Words
I feel...so worried about people...about situations...about how it almost seems things are starting to spiral out of control.
I want to ask "What does it really matter?"
But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.
I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.
This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.
I want to ask "What does it really matter?"
But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.
I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.
This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"Recall" - Brave Saint Saturn
It was all about acceleration
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"
Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me
There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me
I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"
Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me
There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me
I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me
Dreaming of Zion Awake...
The Matrix Online dying sucked enough...but finding this website:
http://www.mxoarchive.net
Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.
Notable places:
http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html
God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.
Sadness.
Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:
Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:
Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:
Nin and Emoto Power!
Nin and Emoto busting up bots:
Fedora Power!
It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...
Emoto won!
Emoto and Dante's Wedding:
After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:
Fire!
Hoping...
Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!
Looking to the...
http://www.mxoarchive.net
Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.
Notable places:
http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html
God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.
Sadness.
Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:
Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:
Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:
Nin and Emoto Power!
Nin and Emoto busting up bots:
Fedora Power!
It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...
Emoto won!
Emoto and Dante's Wedding:
After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:
Fire!
Hoping...
Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!
Looking to the...
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Zen of Nothing
There must be a certain Zen to being able to sit here...and clear the mind of everything...every worry, every fear, every atom of drama, every longing, every pain, every aching burning sensation...there must be a talent to clearing all of these from the mind...to be able to focus on the wind, on breathing, on hearing the fan whirl...
There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?
Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...
The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...
Interference.
There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?
Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...
The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...
Interference.
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