I feel...sicker.

Oh Jesus...what the Hell man...what the Hell?

A Few Songs

Split Words

I feel...so worried about people...about situations...about how it almost seems things are starting to spiral out of control.

I want to ask "What does it really matter?"

But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.

I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.

This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.

"Recall" - Brave Saint Saturn

It was all about acceleration
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"

Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me

There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me

I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me

"Nothing Matters Anymore" - Showbread

Dreaming of Zion Awake...

The Matrix Online dying sucked enough...but finding this website:

http://www.mxoarchive.net

Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.

Notable places:

http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html

God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.

Sadness.

Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:



Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:




Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:




Nin and Emoto Power!




Nin and Emoto busting up bots:



Fedora Power!



It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...



Emoto won!




Emoto and Dante's Wedding:




After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:




Fire!


Hoping...




Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!




Looking to the...

Sleep is nigh impossible tonight...too much stress and worry on the soul...

"Pachycephalosaurus" - Showbread

If there was some mercy from up above...I could withdraw mercifully...

Zen of Nothing

There must be a certain Zen to being able to sit here...and clear the mind of everything...every worry, every fear, every atom of drama, every longing, every pain, every aching burning sensation...there must be a talent to clearing all of these from the mind...to be able to focus on the wind, on breathing, on hearing the fan whirl...

There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?

Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...

The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...

Interference.

Dreaming while awake...of you...dear Muse.

"Babies Breath" - Brave Saint Saturn

Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you

Let's close our eyes till daylight comes
Baby's breath and chrysanthemums
So beaming blue these dreaming skies
In soundless sleep now close your eyes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Just close your eyes till daylight comes

I keep feeling that the strangest
Peace is all around
In the speechless, in this quiet
Angels never make a single sound
Sigh
Baby's breath and lilacs so profound
Falling down
Softest moonlight making garlands
Forms the crown
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you

"Nothing Matters Anymore" - Showbread

after all of this we've been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
we've been gladly exempt we are racked with contempt
and we happily wish you this hurt
my skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
my synapses shriek in the flames
yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
we've been loosed by our raging disdain

i'm gone, God help me i'm done
nothing can stop me, i'm done

no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore

oh the stage that we soil, the plans that we foil
the joke that we play on the world
and you drown in the oil, all wrapped up in the coils
crushed under the stones that you've hurled
still we march through the tombs through the darkness and gloom
and we shatter the columns of bone
and the world she breaks for the lives that she takes
she weeps as she dies all alone

no fear no doubt i've bottomed out i've lost myself i'm letting go
no pride no me i've set them free i've lost my mind and now i know
no pain no death they're put to rest we leave them here we close the door
no earth no man, now take my hand nothing matters anymore

the world is a husk to be peeled back and torn
my body a shell that now breaks
how i long to escape from the chains that i've worn
and hasten my greatest escape
and when i breathe my very last
don't shed a tear for me
discard the body that once was my prison
for i'll have been set free

and when the trumpets call us home and i am no longer bedded by pain
our tears will be forever dried for the author of life knows my name
so we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
we will die for the truth in our hearts
no force that exists will steal us from his hands
nothing will tear us apart

though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured we look beyond the obtuse
and the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
but her efforts are of little use
the annointed one has purchased our souls death is battered and lifeless before me
the truth rains down for the children of Christ and the truth has set us free
and through it all we rise when we fall
though the road grows more narrow before me
though we ache though we cry never break, never die
the one truth there is sets us free

Stabbing pain...mixed with...loneliness...but it is always nice to talk...even for a short time. Hours may pass like seconds...just caught up in how nice it is...and I just wish things could be so less...complicated.

"Midnight" - Blindside

Good job.

I'm sure that made Jesus just fucking happy.

My futile attempts at what I have mislabeled 'writing' stand officially ashamed now.

Wow again.

Good heavens that was amazing.

Wow.

watchtower1.serverroom.us:9074

...inklings of missed...beloved words...

And...here we are.

Nowhere.

What the...

Almost as revolting as my soul.