Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Songs of Life
I can't believe I have wasted almost two years of my life here.
God I hate this place...so much.
Here.
Have a mix tape.
God I hate this place...so much.
Here.
Have a mix tape.
Stupid Little Kid
I am...so tired of being me.
Opening my mouth...giving thoughts and being judged.
Being seen and being processed.
Digitally and otherwise.
Rage, seething rage.
Unexpressed because of this mask.
Childish expressions only
marked in crayon on cardboard,
the removal no simple task.
Such a lonely task,
residing in plastic
and pretending porcelain in my home
fooling everyone
but me.
Carrying my heart in a metal casket
and hoping that the best is yet to come.
Just a little drawing
a few lines for a face
and not much else.
but I pity your sad grin
knowing you know
just as little as I do
and how it's all coming to end.
Opening my mouth...giving thoughts and being judged.
Being seen and being processed.
Digitally and otherwise.
Rage, seething rage.
Unexpressed because of this mask.
Childish expressions only
marked in crayon on cardboard,
the removal no simple task.
Such a lonely task,
residing in plastic
and pretending porcelain in my home
fooling everyone
but me.
Carrying my heart in a metal casket
and hoping that the best is yet to come.
Just a little drawing
a few lines for a face
and not much else.
but I pity your sad grin
knowing you know
just as little as I do
and how it's all coming to end.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Foolish Inklings
Ministerial intent.
I have the internship stuff turned in...now it's just waiting to hear if I get accepted or not.
I'm slightly giddy.
I also haven't really slept in a while.
A good long while.
But any prayers would be accepted and desired because if this comes through it will be a life changing event...move across the country to Las Vegas and travel around the world life changing.
The word ministry is such a fickle word because so often is it divorced from any concept of actual reality. How can love be expressed in a set of steps and rules? How can love be love it is nothing more than a formula people regularly run through?
Real ministry involves being real, not hiding behind masks and actually coming clean that I am in fact a human...a human with the same tendency of failing, the same fears, the same needs as any other human.
That is scary. The idea of not being able to hide behind this shield...the false notion that it was okay to pretend everything was alright when it is not...that is contrary to the whole nature of the Gospel. Things are *not* okay...which is why we need a God that is so much bigger than our collective mistakes.
A personal, loving God obsessed with us...that thinks of us...cares about our every thought...our every second of every day...a God that is incomprehensible and yet personal in the same breath...
It is like any real relationship with love.
It is terrifying as much as it is exhilarating because it means risking everything...being willing to act a fool and look stupid. Being willing to give your life to something so much bigger then you could ever be on yourself.
I guess that is what this is...a love letter...a request for those as...crazy as me to pray and send any support they can spare.
""Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.""
-Matthew 5:14-16
"It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better."
1 Corinthians 4:9-13
I have the internship stuff turned in...now it's just waiting to hear if I get accepted or not.
I'm slightly giddy.
I also haven't really slept in a while.
A good long while.
But any prayers would be accepted and desired because if this comes through it will be a life changing event...move across the country to Las Vegas and travel around the world life changing.
The word ministry is such a fickle word because so often is it divorced from any concept of actual reality. How can love be expressed in a set of steps and rules? How can love be love it is nothing more than a formula people regularly run through?
Real ministry involves being real, not hiding behind masks and actually coming clean that I am in fact a human...a human with the same tendency of failing, the same fears, the same needs as any other human.
That is scary. The idea of not being able to hide behind this shield...the false notion that it was okay to pretend everything was alright when it is not...that is contrary to the whole nature of the Gospel. Things are *not* okay...which is why we need a God that is so much bigger than our collective mistakes.
A personal, loving God obsessed with us...that thinks of us...cares about our every thought...our every second of every day...a God that is incomprehensible and yet personal in the same breath...
It is like any real relationship with love.
It is terrifying as much as it is exhilarating because it means risking everything...being willing to act a fool and look stupid. Being willing to give your life to something so much bigger then you could ever be on yourself.
I guess that is what this is...a love letter...a request for those as...crazy as me to pray and send any support they can spare.
""Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.""
-Matthew 5:14-16
"It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better."
1 Corinthians 4:9-13
Doves For Hire
Here...in this music...I almost feel like the wings will burst from my back and I will be able to fly...to escape from the thorns that have been pinning me to the ground. That I can leave this decaying, sickly body behind and sore into light.
That there is grace enough for me...love enough to wash away my failures...my evil and the pain I have caused others. That there is more then just a light at the end of this tunnel...but that there is love...endless love and hope just a touch away....
I'm ready for what can be...I'm ready to shed this cynical shell and leave this lethargic heart behind...I want to see what can be...how these defects can be turned around and made to shine and bring hope.
Are these just arrogant assumptive lies?
Or is the truth so possible?
So real?
So near by that I can almost touch?
I need to speak...but my lips are swollen from hypocrisy...could You cleanse them again? Not so I will judge or spread this rancor hate...but to show love...to myself so I can know what it means to love.
Loving love.
I'm going to go crazy if I'm not able to share this.
That there is grace enough for me...love enough to wash away my failures...my evil and the pain I have caused others. That there is more then just a light at the end of this tunnel...but that there is love...endless love and hope just a touch away....
I'm ready for what can be...I'm ready to shed this cynical shell and leave this lethargic heart behind...I want to see what can be...how these defects can be turned around and made to shine and bring hope.
Are these just arrogant assumptive lies?
Or is the truth so possible?
So real?
So near by that I can almost touch?
I need to speak...but my lips are swollen from hypocrisy...could You cleanse them again? Not so I will judge or spread this rancor hate...but to show love...to myself so I can know what it means to love.
Loving love.
I'm going to go crazy if I'm not able to share this.
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