On the Road

I've missed this feeling.

Waking up at the early hour, driving to some location that I have never seen.

The surreal feeling of waking up and seeing a different location...a different skyline then the limited view from my window.

The chatter of youth and the random videos on the screen are my background music.

Eating food I'll never taste again and seeing faces that will never be mine to see again.

Singing songs...born from this insipid force of the human spirit...aching and longing for a higher ground...a higher order...to push beyond the trappings of this flesh and touch the infintite...even if it is just for a fleeting moment.


Somehow You are here.

In the faces of the infirmed, the eldery and those who minds have long since left this world...You are there.

You are in the voices as we sing together, pushing against the impossible odds of this life.

You are there in my shyness and my dorky moments of social awkwardness.

You are in the hearts of these youth...who sing...wheter they realize the impossible bridge every note hopes to feel...YOU are there.

How do you capture so much in a single moment?

I wasn't intending on going on any trip.

Last night at midnight I got the call you sent from an old friend...and now...there are connections being formed in ways that only You could have predicted.

What is this?
Where are things going?

I didn't expect to see my old friend...for things to be so different...but still the same. Same old jokes, same old movie references, same biting humor...but a different heart...in ways.

What did You think when you crafted this day?
The stop off at Calera, the stop over at UAB and now in Huntsville...singing to the infirm and to the old...and soon for a church.
Where were Your thoughts at creation when You looked at time and saw me writing this?

How is this going?
Where am I going?

What are these offers?
These desperate longings of my heart?

Where am I going tomorrow?
I ask You again and again...where this pain...these paths will lead and You will not relent in silence...just that the next step is sufficient.

Seeing the face of the elderly today...seeing their faces creased with life and ravaged by age. Seeing those who have been handicapped for so many years, unable to speak in words we understood...where is this in Your plan? How do you make such things work for good?

Is it true ignorance is bliss? That the blue pill of Chyperism is true beyond the realm of digitalized code?

You heard our voices...was it pleasing?

Is my life anything worth keeping in Your hands?

I have so many questions with no answer from You...and it hurts.

We sing of love...Your word says Love...but where is it in silence?

I *cannot* live on words alone...just this bread...I need vitalizing water...my soul purged of this filth and filled with the Life, the Light that You have promised.

"Think straight. Awaken to the holiness of life. No more playing fast and loose with resurrection facts. Ignorance of God is a luxury you can't afford in times like these. Aren't you embarrassed that you've let this kind of thing go on as long as you have?"
-1 Corinthians 15:34

I'm not used to getting offers I can't refuse...much less ones that take me out of the house and are a small hop across state lines.

I'll be gone for a while.

A few days.

Nice.

Freedom.

The Falseness of sincerity unnerves me to say the least.

"Stabbing Art To Death" - Showbread

Yes Father.

You inspire me to sing to You.

It takes someone with incredible shallow personality issues to have to assert their authority by hitting a tied animal.

I have a migraine forming, why can't I just go to bed?

...still feel like I'm going crazy...almost like I was up and outside of myself at this point...

Feelings and emotions with no real name...there is a need for a Muse to help me out...

Nothing to hide except everything.

I almost feel sick...from just missing...missing a sort of...certain...undeniable...unpresentable sentiments and thoughts which are screaming....yes....

Die.

Now.

Please?

That makes me feel physically sick.

"Carnival of Souls" - Saviour Machine

I hate this part of me that is of animals.
It embodies a pig.

I miss a dream in which there was muse.

Red

Loosing my soul,
loosing my mind.
Everything I had
is just this pile of ash.
Nothing more and nevermore,
let this soul burn free
and simply explode.

Into your mind,
behind your eyes
pressing deep
not letting your heart beat skip
just long enough to see
and feel once again.

"Space Robot 5" - Brave Saint Saturn

So far, so good, or so they say from mission control,
The deep of space is no place for a fragile human soul.
The rockets burn as servos click and turn,
and fall into their place.
Robots can't cry,
don't laugh,
can't die,
In the darkness of space.
He is strong, made of steel with the graphite lining,
Watch his eyes flicker slow like the batteries are dying.

Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.

Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry.

Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.

"No reason to get excited, the thief kindly spoke..."

Another morning...another day.

Annoying ticking that never ceases.

It was nice to be somewhere this morning and to feel apart of something outside of myself...I guess it's because we have this silly notion of the need of utter self sufficiency...when no one can make it own their own.

Just another sad song in an endless stack of tired ballads that Dylan wouldn't even touch.

What is this longing?
Deeper than life?
Hotter than flame?

Merest inklings of another world pressing deep and in such an uncomfortable way that it sets people on the defensive...and that is when it is when thoughts concern it are properly executed.

People speak of the infinite in such finite terms that they do not begin to grasp what the think they are sensing. I am no different from my predecessors who were nothing more than stumbling blocks preventing people from knowing that Veritas, that ἀλήθεια is truly You.

Everything and nothing...summarized in such a way that it underscore the beautiful horror.

Absolutes so vivid that they reduce human based understanding to the base animalistic core that everyone is content to reside at.



"What then is truth? A movable host of metaphors, metonymies, and; anthropomorphisms: in short, a sum of human relations which have been poetically and rhetorically intensified, transferred, and embellished, and which, after long usage, seem to a people to be fixed, canonical, and binding."
-Friedrich Nietzsche



"I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they’ll never see
They don’t know something’s wrong with me
And just as well, I’ll never tell what’s underneath the scales
I’ve worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
So bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I’m never coming back
And if you’re mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold"
-Showbread

Good morning soul.

Not having anyone close by...it's starting to feel...a bit like college again...

That was an unexpected fourteen hour nap.

Ah blargh.

It would be unexpectedly nice if I didn't feel like this was...about to be...it...the snap, the last one...


Vivid nightmares bleeding into daytime landscapes.
Blurring the edge long enough for it to slip in
and feeling it rend my heart.

So physically sick...that...did not help...things...

Twitch.