I feel at an impasse...unable to write or think clearly.
I want to panic and freak out...please help me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Begin Anew
Faint shimmers of light
are just waiting off your horizon.
Darkness has crept
to the door to your heart.
Breath.
Live.
This isn't your end,
just the beginning of life.
As the thundering explosions
catch you,
and pull you forward
into dreams of a world you never knew,
know it's okay to doubt
just as much as you believe.
That love is the cross over your heart
and grace the light in your eyes.
That every step you take
leaves many with baited breath.
This next turn may be our last
so let us pray
and turn the face the coming day.
No regret of the past
or fear of the future.
Blessed daylight come.
are just waiting off your horizon.
Darkness has crept
to the door to your heart.
Breath.
Live.
This isn't your end,
just the beginning of life.
As the thundering explosions
catch you,
and pull you forward
into dreams of a world you never knew,
know it's okay to doubt
just as much as you believe.
That love is the cross over your heart
and grace the light in your eyes.
That every step you take
leaves many with baited breath.
This next turn may be our last
so let us pray
and turn the face the coming day.
No regret of the past
or fear of the future.
Blessed daylight come.
Awesome Reese Roper Interview
One of my biggest influence musically, lyrically, poetically and spiritually speaking is a little known singer/song writer by the name of Reese Roper. As one of the primary songwriters/vocalist for the bands Five Iron Frenzy, Brave Saint Saturn and Roper there was a certain element I've rarely found in music (much less in the quite often schizophrenic realm of 'Christian' music) that has manage to have profound way in which I've understood and have tried to live out my faith. I'm posting the interview in full for archival purposes mostly.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
An email interview with Reese Roper, current lead singer of Brave Saint Saturn and former frontman for Five Iron Frenzy and, briefly, Roper.
In the wake of Five Iron Frenzy, many fans wondered if the Brave Saint Saturn trilogy would ever see its third installment. But five years after “For the Light of Things Hoped For” hit stores, the new “Anti-Meridian” was finally delivered to the public. Out of this development emerges two questions. One, what were you doing between now and then? And two, what made you decide to go back and finish the project?
Well, many things. I started a new band that failed, worked at a genetics lab, was an electrician, and went back to school to become a Nurse Anesthetist. Mostly, that is why it took so long. All of us had to (and have to) have real jobs now, so it tends to smother the time we used to be able to make rock in. I had it really easy my first semester back at school, so my wife suggested I get a part time job. I was able to talk her into letting me use the time I would have spent working, into finishing the Brave Saint album, which Andy, Dennis, and I had been writing for five years. It was actually a terrible decision, as the next few semesters came about, and proved to be about ten times as difficult. The good thing is that it actually was finished in that time, and something that I think we are all proud of was made.
In what ways do you think you’ve grown between the two records (personally, spiritually, musically, etc)?
Musically, I think I am a much better songwriter, but I still have a long way to go. I have a problem with being obsessive about things that I am doing creatively, and it makes it very hard for me to finish anything I start, because I always feel like what I am making isn’t good enough. Spiritually, I think that I have really just become disappointed in the church and its response to the rest of the world’s needs. I think that the Christian church is as insular and backstabbing as it has ever been, and it has really affected my relationship with God. I know that I need to get over it, but it is definitely a struggle to separate that from the character of Christ. It’s hard to go to church, but I know that I need to be in fellowship, so I do. Personally, it’s good. Married life is good, school is good, etc. Also, Micah just had a barbeque for all the FIF alum, and everyone was there but Sonnie and Dennis. It was really cool to see all those guys and their families, and a lot of our old friends.
Now, without spoiling it for those who haven’t heard the record all the way through, the first space mission has come to a close, but there is an obvious hint at a future for the crew of the USS Gloria. Speaking in real-life music industry terms, what might this future look like for Brave Saint Saturn?
Honestly, it kind of depends on how this album does. A few weeks ago, I was about ready to throw in the towel on it all, but it seems that our digital sales are going through the roof (comparatively, of course). I’m not sure if it’s just because we don’t have distribution, or that no one wants to buy actual CDs anymore (or the album completely sucks), but online sales are still strong. Another problem that we are facing is that it is really hard to get songs on the radio without label backing, and without being a touring band. We hired someone to work “Starling” as a single to the Christian market, and it was really only added to about 12 radio stations. Even with the deal he gave us to pitch it to radio stations, I’m not really sure it was very cost effective. It’s sad that the fact that we’ve had relationships with the people at some of those radio stations for 12 years or so, and it means nothing. I think it’s even more sad that what goes on Christian radio has more to do with money than it does with reaching the lost, or even just something as simple as playing good music. It’s stupid. In a perfect world, House of Heroes would be bigger than Fallout Boy right now, but it just doesn’t work that way. The system stinks, but the common denominator in all of it is that radio stations won’t take risks. They are concerned with the business end far more than they are with the music end, and especially the Christianity end. So, long story short, I don’t think I have it in me to do it this way again. We still might have some more albums in us, but we are still waiting to see if it will be feasible to do financially.
Writing a concept album can be a difficult task. How much do you make sure each song relates to the larger theme, and how much do you allow other more personal songs to enter the record?
We decided early on to make it a thematic concept, rather than a type of rock opera. As we came up with the idea for making a trilogy about astronauts lost in space, and using that metaphor for a person’s life, it became easier to write those songs, just because they are really about our own lives. We actually chose the metaphor haphazardly, but found out that it was amazing how easily it applied to us. The song “Daylight” may seem like it is about astronauts trapped in the dark and then suddenly seeing daylight for the first time in years, but it speaks volumes about where I was at that point, and where I think most people will have to go in their Christian lives. So, basically, we try and write the best and most honest songs as we are able to, then we arrange them on the albums so that they at least fit the story emotionally. Some of them are written more about the actual story line than others, so we try to fill in the gaps in the plot with soundbytes, or with spoken word, or, like on this latest album, the fake interviews. That way it comes together as a whole, but each song can usually stand on its own without the story.
One song that stood out for me on the new album was “Blessed Are the Landmines.” I love the message behind this song, but I was surprised to hear the sound clip from Pat Robertson. What made you decide to insert that? Are you worried about any backlash?
Part of the decision to put this album out ourselves was that we didn’t want to have to deal with a record company telling us what we could and could not put on the record. I guarantee you that any record label I have ever been on would have made us cut that song, so I am glad we made the decision to release it ourselves, if just for that. I have nothing against Mr. Robertson personally, (in fact I grew up watching the 700 Club and I know that they are responsible for so much good in the world), but I felt that when he said that we should “assassinate” Hugo Chavez, it sounded like he had become the mouthpiece for what much of the American Church actually is feeling today. I was always taught that our interpretation of Scripture should be done through examining the character of Jesus Christ and His actions. From most of what makes it to the media, the church is moving farther and farther away from acting anything like Jesus. We picket the funerals of servicemen with signs reading “God hates fags.” We are obsessed with stopping homosexuals from getting married while the divorce rate within the Church is higher than outside of it. We are overwhelmed with preaching prosperity and new ways to obtain wealth. We have stapled the name of Jesus Christ to our politicians, our political movements, and our wars, and we have told every scared girl and woman who accidentally gets pregnant that she must live with the consequences, while we shun her, and that we hate all who have made the choice to have an abortion. There is not a very public face of Christianity telling the world that Jesus Christ is not like that. He loved the poor; He was homeless and died in poverty; He was murdered by the religious people; His closest friends were thieves, extortionists, and prostitutes who knew they were wrong and knew that they needed Him. The only time He ever even really lost His temper was to overthrow the money-changers in the temple who were corrupted by their position of power, and using it to manipulate and oppress the less fortunate. If this song is offensive, it’s because the Beatitudes are offensive. No church, or Christian, should ever think that war can bring peace.
Violence only begets more violence. Either we are to live our lives trying to emulate the character of Christ, seeing violence as a last resort, and ONLY to save the weak from the strong, or the beatitudes are wrong. It has nothing to do with politics. If you have chosen to follow Christ, then you should be known for making peace, not for siding with one political party over another, and certainly not for warmongering. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” I don’t think that aligning the Church with any political party has ever panned out well, since Constantine made Christianity the official religion of Rome in 312 AD. So, to answer your question: no, I am not worried about any backlash.
The other song that jumps out right away is “Fortress of Solitude.” Have things really been that bad with old Five Iron fans? How do you deal with still being so idolized? Is it creepy that when I was thirteen I named my cat Reese? (I was almost too embarrassed to include that last part.)
That is a weird name for a cat, for sure. Really, that song isn’t so much about me being idolized as it is about how the expectation for me to be better than I actually am, was kind of making me crazy. As I said before, I tend to have a really obsessive personality. For instance: I can’t start a new video game until I have completed the old one. I can’t let anyone else help me, and I have been known to play the same game for days without sleeping. It’s not that I am obsessed with video games, more that I have this obsessive personality. So with music, it manifests itself in the fact that it is very hard for me to finish something, because I can’t ever seem to get songs the way I picture them in my head. It is hard for me to ask for help, and very hard when somebody who is helping me makes the music worse. As a joke, I started calling my studio in our basement, “The Fortress of Solitude” to my wife. One day I realized that I was spending almost every spare moment down there obsessing over this album. The Superman imagery in the song kind of came from that realization that I was trying to be something that I was not. I was growing angry at all of the fans for expecting me to be something I never was, but I felt like I had to be. So that is basically what that song is about, not so much about the fans, but about me- driving myself crazy.
What message might you have for such fans that are still living in the glory days of FIF and haven’t realized the band broke up? Is there really, as they believe, hope for a reunion to play the major festivals or whatever?
I guess there is someday. Right now, I would say that I never want it to happen, but I think I warm up to the idea a little bit more each day. I would do it for the rest of the guys, but personally, I just don’t miss that part of my life. What I do miss, are my friends from the band, so I would rather just have a giant barbeque, or vacation with them and all of their families. Being in Five Iron was crazy enough before we were married and everyone had kids. I can’t imagine just trying to play one show with that many extra people to manage. Give it about 5 more years or so. Maybe we can talk about it then.
Your guitarist, Dennis Culp, sang on more tracks than usual this time around. Did things just work out that way, or is this a calculated new direction for BS2?
No, not a new direction. I think in the past, Dennis was writing most of the songs for Five Iron, so Brave Saint went on the back burner for him. Now, this is all we have, musically, so we both wrote a ton of songs for it. I had four songs cut, Andy had three, and Dennis only lost one. It just turned out that his four were better for the album than the others that were cut. Also, he is a baritone usually, who can go into the tenor range, while I sing like a girl. So he quit trying to get me to sing melodies he had written after “Dandelions.” His voice just sounds better on his songs.
What’s one of the most important things you’ve learned over the past fifteen years since the inception of Five Iron Frenzy?
I think the most important thing I could tell you is that whatever you are doing in life, you need to sit down and figure out a plan. Then give that over to the Lord with the knowledge that He is good, and wants the best for you, so it may not happen, but the Lord is good. We never thought ahead in Five Iron because we were always just so amazed that we were able to be doing the things that we did as they happened. Now I wish that I had a time machine to go back and tell myself to plan for the future. We never did, and so we ended up fighting for stupid things that don’t matter anymore, while letting some really important things just pass us by. Plan ahead. Pick your battles.
Lastly, I have a question about Space Robot Five. Is he alive?
He is. And he has greatly enjoyed answering your questions.
Thanks for taking the time to answer some questions for those of us at Indie Vision Music. Anything else you want to say in conclusion?
How about a quote… “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope.” -Sir Winston Churchill
The interview was lifted from:
http://www.indievisionmusic.com/wordpress/2009/04/09/brave-saint-saturn/
http://www.purevolume.com/bravesaintsaturn
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
An email interview with Reese Roper, current lead singer of Brave Saint Saturn and former frontman for Five Iron Frenzy and, briefly, Roper.
In the wake of Five Iron Frenzy, many fans wondered if the Brave Saint Saturn trilogy would ever see its third installment. But five years after “For the Light of Things Hoped For” hit stores, the new “Anti-Meridian” was finally delivered to the public. Out of this development emerges two questions. One, what were you doing between now and then? And two, what made you decide to go back and finish the project?
Well, many things. I started a new band that failed, worked at a genetics lab, was an electrician, and went back to school to become a Nurse Anesthetist. Mostly, that is why it took so long. All of us had to (and have to) have real jobs now, so it tends to smother the time we used to be able to make rock in. I had it really easy my first semester back at school, so my wife suggested I get a part time job. I was able to talk her into letting me use the time I would have spent working, into finishing the Brave Saint album, which Andy, Dennis, and I had been writing for five years. It was actually a terrible decision, as the next few semesters came about, and proved to be about ten times as difficult. The good thing is that it actually was finished in that time, and something that I think we are all proud of was made.
In what ways do you think you’ve grown between the two records (personally, spiritually, musically, etc)?
Musically, I think I am a much better songwriter, but I still have a long way to go. I have a problem with being obsessive about things that I am doing creatively, and it makes it very hard for me to finish anything I start, because I always feel like what I am making isn’t good enough. Spiritually, I think that I have really just become disappointed in the church and its response to the rest of the world’s needs. I think that the Christian church is as insular and backstabbing as it has ever been, and it has really affected my relationship with God. I know that I need to get over it, but it is definitely a struggle to separate that from the character of Christ. It’s hard to go to church, but I know that I need to be in fellowship, so I do. Personally, it’s good. Married life is good, school is good, etc. Also, Micah just had a barbeque for all the FIF alum, and everyone was there but Sonnie and Dennis. It was really cool to see all those guys and their families, and a lot of our old friends.
Now, without spoiling it for those who haven’t heard the record all the way through, the first space mission has come to a close, but there is an obvious hint at a future for the crew of the USS Gloria. Speaking in real-life music industry terms, what might this future look like for Brave Saint Saturn?
Honestly, it kind of depends on how this album does. A few weeks ago, I was about ready to throw in the towel on it all, but it seems that our digital sales are going through the roof (comparatively, of course). I’m not sure if it’s just because we don’t have distribution, or that no one wants to buy actual CDs anymore (or the album completely sucks), but online sales are still strong. Another problem that we are facing is that it is really hard to get songs on the radio without label backing, and without being a touring band. We hired someone to work “Starling” as a single to the Christian market, and it was really only added to about 12 radio stations. Even with the deal he gave us to pitch it to radio stations, I’m not really sure it was very cost effective. It’s sad that the fact that we’ve had relationships with the people at some of those radio stations for 12 years or so, and it means nothing. I think it’s even more sad that what goes on Christian radio has more to do with money than it does with reaching the lost, or even just something as simple as playing good music. It’s stupid. In a perfect world, House of Heroes would be bigger than Fallout Boy right now, but it just doesn’t work that way. The system stinks, but the common denominator in all of it is that radio stations won’t take risks. They are concerned with the business end far more than they are with the music end, and especially the Christianity end. So, long story short, I don’t think I have it in me to do it this way again. We still might have some more albums in us, but we are still waiting to see if it will be feasible to do financially.
Writing a concept album can be a difficult task. How much do you make sure each song relates to the larger theme, and how much do you allow other more personal songs to enter the record?
We decided early on to make it a thematic concept, rather than a type of rock opera. As we came up with the idea for making a trilogy about astronauts lost in space, and using that metaphor for a person’s life, it became easier to write those songs, just because they are really about our own lives. We actually chose the metaphor haphazardly, but found out that it was amazing how easily it applied to us. The song “Daylight” may seem like it is about astronauts trapped in the dark and then suddenly seeing daylight for the first time in years, but it speaks volumes about where I was at that point, and where I think most people will have to go in their Christian lives. So, basically, we try and write the best and most honest songs as we are able to, then we arrange them on the albums so that they at least fit the story emotionally. Some of them are written more about the actual story line than others, so we try to fill in the gaps in the plot with soundbytes, or with spoken word, or, like on this latest album, the fake interviews. That way it comes together as a whole, but each song can usually stand on its own without the story.
One song that stood out for me on the new album was “Blessed Are the Landmines.” I love the message behind this song, but I was surprised to hear the sound clip from Pat Robertson. What made you decide to insert that? Are you worried about any backlash?
Part of the decision to put this album out ourselves was that we didn’t want to have to deal with a record company telling us what we could and could not put on the record. I guarantee you that any record label I have ever been on would have made us cut that song, so I am glad we made the decision to release it ourselves, if just for that. I have nothing against Mr. Robertson personally, (in fact I grew up watching the 700 Club and I know that they are responsible for so much good in the world), but I felt that when he said that we should “assassinate” Hugo Chavez, it sounded like he had become the mouthpiece for what much of the American Church actually is feeling today. I was always taught that our interpretation of Scripture should be done through examining the character of Jesus Christ and His actions. From most of what makes it to the media, the church is moving farther and farther away from acting anything like Jesus. We picket the funerals of servicemen with signs reading “God hates fags.” We are obsessed with stopping homosexuals from getting married while the divorce rate within the Church is higher than outside of it. We are overwhelmed with preaching prosperity and new ways to obtain wealth. We have stapled the name of Jesus Christ to our politicians, our political movements, and our wars, and we have told every scared girl and woman who accidentally gets pregnant that she must live with the consequences, while we shun her, and that we hate all who have made the choice to have an abortion. There is not a very public face of Christianity telling the world that Jesus Christ is not like that. He loved the poor; He was homeless and died in poverty; He was murdered by the religious people; His closest friends were thieves, extortionists, and prostitutes who knew they were wrong and knew that they needed Him. The only time He ever even really lost His temper was to overthrow the money-changers in the temple who were corrupted by their position of power, and using it to manipulate and oppress the less fortunate. If this song is offensive, it’s because the Beatitudes are offensive. No church, or Christian, should ever think that war can bring peace.
Violence only begets more violence. Either we are to live our lives trying to emulate the character of Christ, seeing violence as a last resort, and ONLY to save the weak from the strong, or the beatitudes are wrong. It has nothing to do with politics. If you have chosen to follow Christ, then you should be known for making peace, not for siding with one political party over another, and certainly not for warmongering. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” I don’t think that aligning the Church with any political party has ever panned out well, since Constantine made Christianity the official religion of Rome in 312 AD. So, to answer your question: no, I am not worried about any backlash.
The other song that jumps out right away is “Fortress of Solitude.” Have things really been that bad with old Five Iron fans? How do you deal with still being so idolized? Is it creepy that when I was thirteen I named my cat Reese? (I was almost too embarrassed to include that last part.)
That is a weird name for a cat, for sure. Really, that song isn’t so much about me being idolized as it is about how the expectation for me to be better than I actually am, was kind of making me crazy. As I said before, I tend to have a really obsessive personality. For instance: I can’t start a new video game until I have completed the old one. I can’t let anyone else help me, and I have been known to play the same game for days without sleeping. It’s not that I am obsessed with video games, more that I have this obsessive personality. So with music, it manifests itself in the fact that it is very hard for me to finish something, because I can’t ever seem to get songs the way I picture them in my head. It is hard for me to ask for help, and very hard when somebody who is helping me makes the music worse. As a joke, I started calling my studio in our basement, “The Fortress of Solitude” to my wife. One day I realized that I was spending almost every spare moment down there obsessing over this album. The Superman imagery in the song kind of came from that realization that I was trying to be something that I was not. I was growing angry at all of the fans for expecting me to be something I never was, but I felt like I had to be. So that is basically what that song is about, not so much about the fans, but about me- driving myself crazy.
What message might you have for such fans that are still living in the glory days of FIF and haven’t realized the band broke up? Is there really, as they believe, hope for a reunion to play the major festivals or whatever?
I guess there is someday. Right now, I would say that I never want it to happen, but I think I warm up to the idea a little bit more each day. I would do it for the rest of the guys, but personally, I just don’t miss that part of my life. What I do miss, are my friends from the band, so I would rather just have a giant barbeque, or vacation with them and all of their families. Being in Five Iron was crazy enough before we were married and everyone had kids. I can’t imagine just trying to play one show with that many extra people to manage. Give it about 5 more years or so. Maybe we can talk about it then.
Your guitarist, Dennis Culp, sang on more tracks than usual this time around. Did things just work out that way, or is this a calculated new direction for BS2?
No, not a new direction. I think in the past, Dennis was writing most of the songs for Five Iron, so Brave Saint went on the back burner for him. Now, this is all we have, musically, so we both wrote a ton of songs for it. I had four songs cut, Andy had three, and Dennis only lost one. It just turned out that his four were better for the album than the others that were cut. Also, he is a baritone usually, who can go into the tenor range, while I sing like a girl. So he quit trying to get me to sing melodies he had written after “Dandelions.” His voice just sounds better on his songs.
What’s one of the most important things you’ve learned over the past fifteen years since the inception of Five Iron Frenzy?
I think the most important thing I could tell you is that whatever you are doing in life, you need to sit down and figure out a plan. Then give that over to the Lord with the knowledge that He is good, and wants the best for you, so it may not happen, but the Lord is good. We never thought ahead in Five Iron because we were always just so amazed that we were able to be doing the things that we did as they happened. Now I wish that I had a time machine to go back and tell myself to plan for the future. We never did, and so we ended up fighting for stupid things that don’t matter anymore, while letting some really important things just pass us by. Plan ahead. Pick your battles.
Lastly, I have a question about Space Robot Five. Is he alive?
He is. And he has greatly enjoyed answering your questions.
Thanks for taking the time to answer some questions for those of us at Indie Vision Music. Anything else you want to say in conclusion?
How about a quote… “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope.” -Sir Winston Churchill
The interview was lifted from:
http://www.indievisionmusic.com/wordpress/2009/04/09/brave-saint-saturn/
http://www.purevolume.com/bravesaintsaturn
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sweet Night Dark Dreams
I can sing song about hope
and bring you word of peace
but none of it will mean anything
as long as my heart hasn't felt love.
Left here wanting
and needing hope
I'm here with my heart broke open
being cut by sincerity
and my lack of faith,
just knowing my inability to trust
will be my downfall
as I hope for you here.
Shadows cast upon your waking mind
where the light and dark dance
and make love over this vista.
Brilliant and vibrant colors
soon swallowed
by the explosion of fear and doubt
that plague the waking mind
as we attempt to connect
over this chasm.
Is this all we have left?
This fragile state of being,
mere slivers of hope
daring to stand against the night?
What life is this?
What hope?
Who dares to speak into the night of such things?
Were the dawn not so far
could we hope for hope?
Dare to believe in the impossible
that miracles are true
and that hope is not just an illusion?
Broad strokes of red paint
make the outline of your hope.
Every fragrant fragment casting about
reminding me of Christmas morning,
just from years ago.
When presents meant something
and hope could learn to fly so easily,
before it was replaced with automated thought
and these mechanically empirical responses.
For me to decide again
would mean to let my soul bleed again
and to cast off into this darkness,
wearing hope as a disguise of dignity,
that I might hide my frayed soul
and all its unkempt mask.
Nothing is more brilliant
than hiding in plain sight,
so here I am.
What more is there to say?
You've only seen me for a few moments
but every decision you ever made
was instantaneously made,
and you want to talk now.
I'm not sure what there is to say.
We can have a conversation
and a break for the month of May
but what of this?
What of an option?
Something other then a vague display?
I'm not sure.
I just lack the coherency to make words
or just to make myself, to make you
or any of this just work.
Right now there isn't much left,
the house is burning
and everything left was already spent.
All the will remain is me.
I'm not sure what you wanted to hear
or what would satisfy your mind
but truth is truth
and there isn't much left but that.
Which is in and of itself a useless effort
because we never could define truth
in a way to make you happy.
Sigh.
Call me Pollyanna or simply a loon
but there has to be some hope left
with all that remains.
Pale lunar light casting about,
gentle reflections of a harsh reality,
if this can be true
then there has to be hope that remains.
Hope, faith and love.
The chief of which must be love
to temper the pain in my heart
into an object of use
and to dissuade the fear
which encapsulates my life.
Shadow lies holding truths
to potent for life.
All we have is this simulacrum
and hope for hope.
Fiction being what you don't want to hear
and reality being the pain,
the living organic pain
shifting and daring,
just daring you to move.
and bring you word of peace
but none of it will mean anything
as long as my heart hasn't felt love.
Left here wanting
and needing hope
I'm here with my heart broke open
being cut by sincerity
and my lack of faith,
just knowing my inability to trust
will be my downfall
as I hope for you here.
Shadows cast upon your waking mind
where the light and dark dance
and make love over this vista.
Brilliant and vibrant colors
soon swallowed
by the explosion of fear and doubt
that plague the waking mind
as we attempt to connect
over this chasm.
Is this all we have left?
This fragile state of being,
mere slivers of hope
daring to stand against the night?
What life is this?
What hope?
Who dares to speak into the night of such things?
Were the dawn not so far
could we hope for hope?
Dare to believe in the impossible
that miracles are true
and that hope is not just an illusion?
Broad strokes of red paint
make the outline of your hope.
Every fragrant fragment casting about
reminding me of Christmas morning,
just from years ago.
When presents meant something
and hope could learn to fly so easily,
before it was replaced with automated thought
and these mechanically empirical responses.
For me to decide again
would mean to let my soul bleed again
and to cast off into this darkness,
wearing hope as a disguise of dignity,
that I might hide my frayed soul
and all its unkempt mask.
Nothing is more brilliant
than hiding in plain sight,
so here I am.
What more is there to say?
You've only seen me for a few moments
but every decision you ever made
was instantaneously made,
and you want to talk now.
I'm not sure what there is to say.
We can have a conversation
and a break for the month of May
but what of this?
What of an option?
Something other then a vague display?
I'm not sure.
I just lack the coherency to make words
or just to make myself, to make you
or any of this just work.
Right now there isn't much left,
the house is burning
and everything left was already spent.
All the will remain is me.
I'm not sure what you wanted to hear
or what would satisfy your mind
but truth is truth
and there isn't much left but that.
Which is in and of itself a useless effort
because we never could define truth
in a way to make you happy.
Sigh.
Call me Pollyanna or simply a loon
but there has to be some hope left
with all that remains.
Pale lunar light casting about,
gentle reflections of a harsh reality,
if this can be true
then there has to be hope that remains.
Hope, faith and love.
The chief of which must be love
to temper the pain in my heart
into an object of use
and to dissuade the fear
which encapsulates my life.
Shadow lies holding truths
to potent for life.
All we have is this simulacrum
and hope for hope.
Fiction being what you don't want to hear
and reality being the pain,
the living organic pain
shifting and daring,
just daring you to move.
Light Blue Life
Gray morning, seven thirty
the alarm is saying it's time to go.
Time to move on
Time to move forward, begin again.
Barely aware, the mind is still at twilight
it's still the time to move
going on auto pilot
or any means you've got left.
It's not like this is a list
showing you were you've been
or where you have to go.
It's not like your life
is governed by anything
but what you let it be.
Disorderly complicated systems
bearing false witness
in the subterfuge of your mind.
Even with the white clothes
and your wings
it's not too hard to see you fell
and when you fell you broke it all.
When you look in the mirror
you are the only one who doesn't see.
Begin again here
long enough and you'll see
pale reflections in the moon light
casting shadows
that burn deeply in the mind
flirting about with electrical impulses
neurological in orgin
numberical but not yet divine.
Is this what you wanted?
What you came to see?
Shadows along the line casting doubt?
I don't know what this was
or where it was going
or what it'll be.
The shadows of your past are just waiting,
here for you like old friends.
Where any of this goes is up to you
but don't think I'm here for it too.
I'm just stuck on this sinking ship
hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
the alarm is saying it's time to go.
Time to move on
Time to move forward, begin again.
Barely aware, the mind is still at twilight
it's still the time to move
going on auto pilot
or any means you've got left.
It's not like this is a list
showing you were you've been
or where you have to go.
It's not like your life
is governed by anything
but what you let it be.
Disorderly complicated systems
bearing false witness
in the subterfuge of your mind.
Even with the white clothes
and your wings
it's not too hard to see you fell
and when you fell you broke it all.
When you look in the mirror
you are the only one who doesn't see.
Begin again here
long enough and you'll see
pale reflections in the moon light
casting shadows
that burn deeply in the mind
flirting about with electrical impulses
neurological in orgin
numberical but not yet divine.
Is this what you wanted?
What you came to see?
Shadows along the line casting doubt?
I don't know what this was
or where it was going
or what it'll be.
The shadows of your past are just waiting,
here for you like old friends.
Where any of this goes is up to you
but don't think I'm here for it too.
I'm just stuck on this sinking ship
hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Briefly Spoken Words at Half
What is a smile?
But the smallest and most genuine token of the heart.
A gift given to embolden the spirit
and hearten in through storm and trial.
Hearkening strength and delivering merit
it protects the soul from fiery darts
delivered through mispronunciation
and what has become dire bitterness.
But what is this smile?
A gift to deliver me through this trial
lifting me by blessing
regardless of my mess and my inability for lifting.
My fear is that someday we might
become each others own worst enemy
that distance and miles will pile
in width and height,
that we will only agree
that we simply must disagree
and begin the soul's final exile.
But hope still remains.
With both love and faith,
remaining the steadfast bane
of every demon, every liar
and every foe before our path.
Their loss becomes our gain
becoming hollowed words that hath
rendered our love complete.
But the smallest and most genuine token of the heart.
A gift given to embolden the spirit
and hearten in through storm and trial.
Hearkening strength and delivering merit
it protects the soul from fiery darts
delivered through mispronunciation
and what has become dire bitterness.
But what is this smile?
A gift to deliver me through this trial
lifting me by blessing
regardless of my mess and my inability for lifting.
My fear is that someday we might
become each others own worst enemy
that distance and miles will pile
in width and height,
that we will only agree
that we simply must disagree
and begin the soul's final exile.
But hope still remains.
With both love and faith,
remaining the steadfast bane
of every demon, every liar
and every foe before our path.
Their loss becomes our gain
becoming hollowed words that hath
rendered our love complete.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Geez
Never thought I would say this...but I'm quite sick of all the ego and pretension being flung about.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Silent Night Sky Ablaze
This hope is starting to blossom into flames, tendrils wrapping around fear and ego; consuming them in brilliant flickers of dark blue.
This forthcoming peace and love...oh how they burn with such brilliance in this dark night.
The shadows are chased away by your brilliance and love oh God and how mighty is the dark. But hope prevails in that your love manifests itself in every breath and heart beat of the singular moment.
My life is short but a small breath before this body will be consumed by the rising night but now, oh now I see the sunrise. The beauty of your light in this broken and twisted world we are both products and creators of.
The light burns away the shadowy mist and pierces this heart that was cast in metal long ago. This heart broken by shattered dreams and betrayed love, a heart reforged in the darkest depths to avoid Your gaze but oh how the droplets of blood fall on this fetid thing, hidden in mask and how your love breaks it once again.
Only You, it is only You that still makes my heart flutter and beat for life in this broken world. It's only your light that gives hope to my these red tear stained eyes. It's only by Your life that I can live again, that beyond this mortal coil.
Baptize me with your love, once again, make this broken day new again. Remove the bright red stains of hypocrisy from my lips and carry me from this field of dying dreams and broken bodies. This cemetery plot that beckons me to abandon hope and love in exchange for senseless apathy.
Don't let me fall to the wayside, please carry me to whatever end you see as best.
To this day nobody can move me, nobody can move you like You do.
This forthcoming peace and love...oh how they burn with such brilliance in this dark night.
The shadows are chased away by your brilliance and love oh God and how mighty is the dark. But hope prevails in that your love manifests itself in every breath and heart beat of the singular moment.
My life is short but a small breath before this body will be consumed by the rising night but now, oh now I see the sunrise. The beauty of your light in this broken and twisted world we are both products and creators of.
The light burns away the shadowy mist and pierces this heart that was cast in metal long ago. This heart broken by shattered dreams and betrayed love, a heart reforged in the darkest depths to avoid Your gaze but oh how the droplets of blood fall on this fetid thing, hidden in mask and how your love breaks it once again.
Only You, it is only You that still makes my heart flutter and beat for life in this broken world. It's only your light that gives hope to my these red tear stained eyes. It's only by Your life that I can live again, that beyond this mortal coil.
Baptize me with your love, once again, make this broken day new again. Remove the bright red stains of hypocrisy from my lips and carry me from this field of dying dreams and broken bodies. This cemetery plot that beckons me to abandon hope and love in exchange for senseless apathy.
Don't let me fall to the wayside, please carry me to whatever end you see as best.
To this day nobody can move me, nobody can move you like You do.
Seeing the Sun at Night
I could complain...but in a lot of ways...what is the point?
It is nice to feel grateful for something...even though it isn't exactly what I wish it could have been.
It's nice to feel some sincerity in my voice...while talking to You...for a change.
It is nice to feel grateful for something...even though it isn't exactly what I wish it could have been.
It's nice to feel some sincerity in my voice...while talking to You...for a change.
Monday, April 20, 2009
"Independence Day" - Brave Saint Saturn
You're biting your lip now,
I know 'cause you do it all the time.
You're blinking your eyes hard,
I know 'cause you used to be mine.
You're strong and resilient,
Beautiful and brilliant,
Proving that you're free,
Independently.
You say, you still love me,
But I'm your own worst enemy.
Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.
Francisco Goya,
Painted it gay,
I'd rather have been shot,
On the Third Of May.
Freedom never came for free,
Patriots are bleeding their veins clean,
That's me in the corner,
Singing "God Save the Queen",
God save the queen.
Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.
I can think of better synonyms for fear,
I hope your life is great I hope it's been a wonderful year.
Waiting every day,
Staring at the phone,
Jesus Christ, I feel so empty and alone.
I know 'cause you do it all the time.
You're blinking your eyes hard,
I know 'cause you used to be mine.
You're strong and resilient,
Beautiful and brilliant,
Proving that you're free,
Independently.
You say, you still love me,
But I'm your own worst enemy.
Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.
Francisco Goya,
Painted it gay,
I'd rather have been shot,
On the Third Of May.
Freedom never came for free,
Patriots are bleeding their veins clean,
That's me in the corner,
Singing "God Save the Queen",
God save the queen.
Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.
I can think of better synonyms for fear,
I hope your life is great I hope it's been a wonderful year.
Waiting every day,
Staring at the phone,
Jesus Christ, I feel so empty and alone.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wow.
I just got punched in the stomach, metaphorically speaking.
I just realized how much of a waste the past three years of life have been, on a game I mean. Sure there are friendships and memories...but its just...seriously? What am I doing? Was this anything what I wanted to be?
King of a sinking ship? Broken body, broken soul and broken mind?
Seriously?
Geez...I honestly thought I had issues...just looking at this...it's like walking in on myself naked and realizing...that...deep down it's shallow...I don't know how I am so surprised to see other human beings flawed like me...but its a bitter and odd taste.
How could I have wasted so much time?
I want to throw up for more reasons now.
At least a sucker or a fool would have realized what he was getting himself into.
Maybe, maybe not.
Doesn't matter I do not think.
I feel like some sort of sucker...involving my heart and mind in endeavors both fruitless and worthless...and at the end of the day I'm still not some sort of hero who wins the girl and gets to go home...I'm just the idiot nice guy holding the umbrella out for a long list of people who, for the most part, just seem to add to my stress levels.
The self righteous part of me wants to scream and throw a tantrum...but that is as juvenile as it is pointless. Ultimately it is all just a bunch of code running through a system and being projected across a screen...anything else there is something we read into the systematic chaos influenced by the random factors of humanity.
It is the pained moments of clarification that I think a lot of people reach the point where they kill themselves. A revamping, redefining of life to the point where its realizing a lot of life is a pointless struggle with no 'Thank you very much' attached to it.
Which is fine.
Really it is.
The people who can be happy and without care are those who can regulate certain portions of their mind into areas that either feel nothing or are these fairy land areas where life is desensitized into understandable snipits and small bites capable of rational thought.
Which you know, isn't necessarily the worst of ideas...I mean, how many people are like me? Unable to sleep at night because they know some sort of finality is coming and will bring about some sort of end to reality as we know it and things will be redefined into some new and otherwise unknowable context?
That is of course assuming I'm not just some paranoid schizophrenic with a best friend called Jesus.
I'm not sure how I got to or where I'm going but I just want to just cancel every form of contact I have with people and find a cave to go to, some far distant cave in a desert so I can think this all out in my head...try to make some logical progress about these otherwise illogical creatures that rip my heart open and don't understand tears or pain.
And it's not like I'm some sort of comedian...getting the joke no one else is in on...I see the joke and personally find it sick and revolting...I feel sort of helpless to do anything about it but what is that anyway?
As if somehow the world would bow to my will and my mind...as if I am capable of the impossible and can break down things to such a level anyone would wish to join my bandwagon.
As if.
The people I'm thinking of would read this and simply think I am speaking of other people...and those who I wish would not bother to try and understand will over think this into some sort of personal attack...when all this is, all this is is just an extension of my mind...flowing thoughts that ebb and become more and more unbecoming by the moment, causing more stress and apathy in its wake.
I am trying to understand things and as it were...I may not understand them.
Or maybe, just maybe I am taking things just a bit too seriously.
I have problems with divorcing emotional attachment away from things.
Every time I leave a place, go away from someone or something and...if I honest to God actually cared about it...it rips a part of my soul and heart away and it hurts...God does it hurt.
It's like I'm leaving pieces of myself here and there, scattered over the horizon and under the sunset and I'm tired of it.
If this Jesus thing isn't just an elaborate scam meant to eventually drive me insane...then I want out.
Now.
I hate swearing and I feel like I do it too much on here and offend a lot of people who may not actually exist in the first place...but forget this.
Forget nobility.
Forget higher calling.
Fotget being at peace with the world and fuck developing spiritual fruits.
Anyone with the audacity or ignorance to say any of those things to me at this point would be asking for me to just explode. I don't care nor do I want your trite religious and spiritual sayings because they do nothing.
Saying Jesus has a big plan for everything and that every possible evil and disgusting thing in this world has its own point...seriously? Does it? This isn't just a case of who is behind the curtain but the entire world that exists around that stupid curtain.
I'm tired of feeling like my faith is a sham simply because I ask questions that make other people upset and uncomfortable.
A life that is unexamined is a life not worth living but a life that has been examined has little worth living out in and of itself.
Being independent of thought and purpose is what?
What is this?
What is going on?
What is this madness?
The more I ask the little that seems to really matter and make sense. The more frustrated I become and the more I just want to run from everything and everyone. I have so many questions, most of which lack any means of articulate intelligent expression and are just these growing pains inside me that I do not know how to stifle.
Besides, this isn't the most attractive thing in the world. Few women find honest confusion and doubt to be sexy and those who do might need to get their head checked out because there are a few screws loosed somewhere.
The focus society and culture thrusts upon us are these impossible ideals that no one understands or can explain...instead what I have is this useless rambling post of nonsense that conveys nothing of any real and significant value because the ones I want to scream at are innocent and the only person to blame for my pain, my hurt, my anger my fucking confusion is myself.
Seething rage mixed with just a few hints of bitter jealously and desperate longing to no longer be in pain.
But considering Jesus' track record of taking his time...I should be fine about five minutes after I am just dead.
Yup that would be my luck.
I just realized how much of a waste the past three years of life have been, on a game I mean. Sure there are friendships and memories...but its just...seriously? What am I doing? Was this anything what I wanted to be?
King of a sinking ship? Broken body, broken soul and broken mind?
Seriously?
Geez...I honestly thought I had issues...just looking at this...it's like walking in on myself naked and realizing...that...deep down it's shallow...I don't know how I am so surprised to see other human beings flawed like me...but its a bitter and odd taste.
How could I have wasted so much time?
I want to throw up for more reasons now.
At least a sucker or a fool would have realized what he was getting himself into.
Maybe, maybe not.
Doesn't matter I do not think.
I feel like some sort of sucker...involving my heart and mind in endeavors both fruitless and worthless...and at the end of the day I'm still not some sort of hero who wins the girl and gets to go home...I'm just the idiot nice guy holding the umbrella out for a long list of people who, for the most part, just seem to add to my stress levels.
The self righteous part of me wants to scream and throw a tantrum...but that is as juvenile as it is pointless. Ultimately it is all just a bunch of code running through a system and being projected across a screen...anything else there is something we read into the systematic chaos influenced by the random factors of humanity.
It is the pained moments of clarification that I think a lot of people reach the point where they kill themselves. A revamping, redefining of life to the point where its realizing a lot of life is a pointless struggle with no 'Thank you very much' attached to it.
Which is fine.
Really it is.
The people who can be happy and without care are those who can regulate certain portions of their mind into areas that either feel nothing or are these fairy land areas where life is desensitized into understandable snipits and small bites capable of rational thought.
Which you know, isn't necessarily the worst of ideas...I mean, how many people are like me? Unable to sleep at night because they know some sort of finality is coming and will bring about some sort of end to reality as we know it and things will be redefined into some new and otherwise unknowable context?
That is of course assuming I'm not just some paranoid schizophrenic with a best friend called Jesus.
I'm not sure how I got to or where I'm going but I just want to just cancel every form of contact I have with people and find a cave to go to, some far distant cave in a desert so I can think this all out in my head...try to make some logical progress about these otherwise illogical creatures that rip my heart open and don't understand tears or pain.
And it's not like I'm some sort of comedian...getting the joke no one else is in on...I see the joke and personally find it sick and revolting...I feel sort of helpless to do anything about it but what is that anyway?
As if somehow the world would bow to my will and my mind...as if I am capable of the impossible and can break down things to such a level anyone would wish to join my bandwagon.
As if.
The people I'm thinking of would read this and simply think I am speaking of other people...and those who I wish would not bother to try and understand will over think this into some sort of personal attack...when all this is, all this is is just an extension of my mind...flowing thoughts that ebb and become more and more unbecoming by the moment, causing more stress and apathy in its wake.
I am trying to understand things and as it were...I may not understand them.
Or maybe, just maybe I am taking things just a bit too seriously.
I have problems with divorcing emotional attachment away from things.
Every time I leave a place, go away from someone or something and...if I honest to God actually cared about it...it rips a part of my soul and heart away and it hurts...God does it hurt.
It's like I'm leaving pieces of myself here and there, scattered over the horizon and under the sunset and I'm tired of it.
If this Jesus thing isn't just an elaborate scam meant to eventually drive me insane...then I want out.
Now.
I hate swearing and I feel like I do it too much on here and offend a lot of people who may not actually exist in the first place...but forget this.
Forget nobility.
Forget higher calling.
Fotget being at peace with the world and fuck developing spiritual fruits.
Anyone with the audacity or ignorance to say any of those things to me at this point would be asking for me to just explode. I don't care nor do I want your trite religious and spiritual sayings because they do nothing.
Saying Jesus has a big plan for everything and that every possible evil and disgusting thing in this world has its own point...seriously? Does it? This isn't just a case of who is behind the curtain but the entire world that exists around that stupid curtain.
I'm tired of feeling like my faith is a sham simply because I ask questions that make other people upset and uncomfortable.
A life that is unexamined is a life not worth living but a life that has been examined has little worth living out in and of itself.
Being independent of thought and purpose is what?
What is this?
What is going on?
What is this madness?
The more I ask the little that seems to really matter and make sense. The more frustrated I become and the more I just want to run from everything and everyone. I have so many questions, most of which lack any means of articulate intelligent expression and are just these growing pains inside me that I do not know how to stifle.
Besides, this isn't the most attractive thing in the world. Few women find honest confusion and doubt to be sexy and those who do might need to get their head checked out because there are a few screws loosed somewhere.
The focus society and culture thrusts upon us are these impossible ideals that no one understands or can explain...instead what I have is this useless rambling post of nonsense that conveys nothing of any real and significant value because the ones I want to scream at are innocent and the only person to blame for my pain, my hurt, my anger my fucking confusion is myself.
Seething rage mixed with just a few hints of bitter jealously and desperate longing to no longer be in pain.
But considering Jesus' track record of taking his time...I should be fine about five minutes after I am just dead.
Yup that would be my luck.
For Now...
Every moment here is one I cannot get back and that feels as though it is nothing more than a twisted jest of faith.
And...yet, still more remains.
Even through this murky haze of prescribed drugs and of a soul caught in a twilight of change...if there is hope enough for me there is for you too.
This city we live in reeks of Babylon and is steadily charting its own descent into madness. Just as every ounce of pain is a soul reminder that my number has been called and the ticket will be up soon, I will press on deeper ignore caution and all signs. But sometimes the only fight left is the one in which you must loose, irregardless of circumstances I'm not going to quit, not now.
Even this pain must end with time.
And...yet, still more remains.
Even through this murky haze of prescribed drugs and of a soul caught in a twilight of change...if there is hope enough for me there is for you too.
This city we live in reeks of Babylon and is steadily charting its own descent into madness. Just as every ounce of pain is a soul reminder that my number has been called and the ticket will be up soon, I will press on deeper ignore caution and all signs. But sometimes the only fight left is the one in which you must loose, irregardless of circumstances I'm not going to quit, not now.
Even this pain must end with time.
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