Just a thought...

If Christians wanted to kill off all the 'evil' atheistic scientist, all we would have to do is say that evolution may not be as far fetched as our religious tradition says and then invite them over by diner.

QED, heart attack for the win.

Death by kindness.

It's sort of like one of those moments where it feels like I'm going to go crazy if I don't crazy tonight.

Which can be a good thing.

It would be nice to overcome my frailties, my humanity that holds me back.

The pain and the fact I'm alive in ways while dead in others.

Just waiting.

Haven't slept, can't sleep.

Too many rushing thoughts screaming through my head keeping me awake.

Too many memories, of missing, longing and silliness.

You?

There is this fear of mine that some wounds go to deep.

That some injuries can never fully heal, that the soul simply can only do so much before it has to give up and wait for eternity.

I hope that is not true but some days it does feel that way.

So much.

So so much.

Hard time focusing this morning, so much I would rather be doing than getting ready for six hours of monotony...I really just do not even care about what happens to the store...I'm away from this sinking ship after today and when I get my final two paychecks I can be quite happy to never look back...maybe happy...I'm not sure.

I'm just feeling a mix of emotions, you know?

It has been a long and stressful few months...or year rather...so my mind is not always screwed on very tight.

*sigh*

My muscles and body scream out in protest against being awake. Shivers of pain and cold. Sometimes I wonder how I have even been alive this long.

But how long is long?

Time is so subjective anyways...

Most of it doesn't seem to even remotely matter, at least from what I can tell of it.

*sigh* It would be nice to say hello.

And a bit more.

I hate how empty the nights are.

So much emptiness with so much room for improvements...maybe.

Maybe not.

But, all the same, hi.

Today is the last day of my job...I'm not sure how much I care.

You Just Don't Know

You just don't know how badly I wish I could explain everything in simple symmetrical terms.

The things that are far beyond our grasps could be reduced to three point messages and end with an upbeat message of hope.

I wish I could lie through my teeth and say everything will be okay when I know the alternative is much more certain.

The best I can ever say is to grin and bear it with Jesus as best as you can.

Find your reason why you are alive and then rage against the forthcoming night.

Rage, rage against that incoming darkness, that night of solitude of the soul.

This can't be the end.

These feelings, these desires in my heart...the unfulfillable need for absolute and unconditional love still burns and demands an answer from you.

I can't pretend anything or act any other way then that of which I deem to be truth and absolute truth.

I can't keep it up much longer tonight, my mind is too conflicted with too much pain.

I just need to be released from this shell of emptiness.

Job?

What job?

No job here.

>_<

*sigh*

It is not as if I enjoy being a multilayer creature of various secrets and hypocrisy...far from it. I struggle with hating myself for every single breath I take, every word I have ever spoken and for every step forward.

I'm supposed to know good from bad but no one ever mentioned the gray areas much.

I feel so sick and so fake so often.

The plus side is I have my vanilla pudding and water right this moment.

They are nice.

There is no finality, even in death. Nothing truly ever ends in the way that we would perceive it would or hope to process it as. But then again we do not even understand the ideas of things unfolding or becoming more or what they truly are.

There is no need for rash or stupid decisions.

Prudence is needed.

Maybe.

Bandwagons

As fun as they sound they are just not cool.

Original thought?

That is cool.

So to celebrate cool, here is someone more cool than me. Plus he is actually funny and not just funny looking, like yours truly:

Partially slept...mind melted...things odd...self realization...almost...complete...

Still cannot sleep...too much inexpressible stress and pain.

More Use(ful)less Late Night Ramblings

Still sad.

Not as much scared though.

Tired and medicated.

Anxiety about later today about awaking from sleep.

What am I really looking forward in life?

I mean, it's like my life has revolved around Jesus, books, music and fear of women.

More than just fear of women but I think fear of every possible relationship. Fear that by opening myself up I will be hurt worse...so it is easier to live in my world of stories and dreams that could never happen in the first place.

I want to dream big but the dreams around me all seem to be related to marriage, kids and settling down. The first makes some sense to me and the second doesn't make sense as much as it seems like something Jesus did as a cruel joke and the third terrifies me beyond any conceivable notion worth even thinking about.

Settling?

Good grief, I don't know about that.

It feels like compromise, this whole loosing myself and the unlimited potential I theoretically have held at any given point of my life.

I mean I have so much potential that I dropped out of seminary and have had a series of dead end jobs that have paid so little that I can afford gas and the occasional meal out on the town with those I con/blackmail/bribe and kidnap into spending the time with me.

It is almost criminal how popular I am.

Yes.

I do crack myself up with my slightly nonsensical ramblings.

Happiness can't be found if you don't want it or aren't looking for it.

I know it sounds so silly and impossible but I think I have forgotten how to look for it and relish it in the small things.

I mean, at fourteen, I thought my job was to fix the world. You know, that can sort of screw a kids head up. What kind of crazy thought is that? I didn't even know WHAT a Bono was much less WHO he was.

I knew bits and pieces of music that I had no identification for but at the same time I saw U2 for the first time when I was fourteen and the television was on. I don't watch football if I can help it but I saw the halftime show of the Super Bowl. I don't know if it was the first time I heard "Where the Streets Have No Name" but it certainly was not the first time I felt that feeling of God entering the room.

Once again I'm not talking about Bono. His charisma (some say ego or his sunglasses) can be seen from space but my point is that like any willing person who is honest and doing what they love a certain joy and excitement comes across.

Joy is infectious but so is living in the doldrums.

No matter what a person is looking for they will find it. If they want the dark and all the pain in this world to drown themselves in then they can find it or you know, there is always the hope option.

Even those of us in circumstances out of our control and beyond our cognitive thought processes still get to choose how WE react.

Were we made for glory?
That is a sincere question that demands a personal and sincere answer.

If life is more than random incidental collisions of particle that don't even agree with each other from second to second, if life is more than just the base chemical reactions, more than the ideas of flesh and learning processes, if life is indeed more than what we can possible dare to dream than what are we made for?

What are these longings, these desires, these dreams, these hopes and the need for them?

It is interesting to think that Psalm 14 says, loosely, that "Only a fool says in his heart there is no God."

What does that mean?

That maybe, belief in God isn't this mental exercise, this sort of book or head knowledge that gets tallied up along with your blood pressure. That to understand God is to understand that nothing is something. To believe in God takes more than just our collectively exhausted mental exercises that are honestly just menial and trite at their best.

It's not like I can judge someone for not believing or call them a fool myself.

Personally, if I was an alien that came to earth and saw Pat Robertson on television I think I would stay just long enough to declare war on the earth and get it demolished as soon as extra terrestrially possible.

Faith is weird and paradoxical, which tends to scare people. Everyone wants an easy answear for something complex.

For example:

1 + 1 = ?

I.The answer everyone likes is two.

II.The answer from what I understand of truth is that humanity is loved by this mostly incomprehensible huge force of perfect divinity with no beginning or end and that calling him Yahweh is easier and more compact and that this Yahweh guy made rocks, trees, and people with personalities and free will. At some point things kind of got out of hand and so began this amazing love story of Yahweh trying to get His people to return to Him and had its climax with a Rabbi who said he was Yahweh and a man said some really neat things and made a lot of religious people angry enough to get him killed. Then you got the whole idea of salvation from sin, the restoration of the soul, the idea of people like minded living in community to support one another and only about twenty thousand different ideas I left out.

Which one would make the better bumper sticker?
I know these aren't original truths but I like to think I have been keeping an open mind with my search and from what I can tell they are all parts of what make up this amazing truth that is more infinite and unknowable than the female mind. Or theoretical physics for that matter.

Both intensely difficult subjects that make me break out in hives.

Although I'm not sure what hives really are. Except that bee's tend to live in them and they are a band with a strong fashion sense.

So girls and physics make me like honey and wearing suits.

Isn't logical progression a fun game?


Hmmm...maybe more later...

I am sad.

And sort of scared at the same time.

I am.

Truth is odd.
It goes hand in hand with trust though.
It's something I don't have much of when I look in the mirror.

I hear jeering voices mostly and my own sense of self imposed impending doom.


Hmm as much as I talk about metaphorical voices I'm surprised I haven't been locked up in a padded room yet.

Yay.

Is it sad I'm finding more theological relevance in some Queen songs than I do most 'Christian' ones?

I'm missing a magical little thing I would like to call 'job security'.

To do list:

-Finish applying on seminary websites for information.
-Find church resume and update it, then send it out.
-Continue to work on book
-Don't forget about work
-Continue working on the "Secret Project" for release at a later time.
-Keep trying to find a potential other job in case the store closes
-Remember to carry around a paper version of this list so I can add to it when I need to and not risk forgetting the three to five items which I can no longer remember. *sigh*

I could go for some rain right now, a torrential down pour onto my soul. Something to wash this exhaustion away with, something to start the day over with.

I don't know, I don't know and I don't know.

I'm in some of the worst pain yet...and to top it off I missed U2's performance at the Grammys.

Go figure.

I'm feeling a bit tired with some hope going about somewhere.
But other times I feel so false and fake.
Paper thin and unable to make it.

I think I have discovered the end of despair but this world is good at fooling you. Is the problem seeing too much of myself when I should see more?

Perhaps, perhaps. Narcissism is a word at the top of my vocabulary.

Thankfully there is more than me, much more than me.