Post Three Hundred of the Year!

...I just don't have much to report.

Just kinda sick...kinda tired and have an odd taste in my mouth from the meds.

Life moves on and on and on...

Yeah.

Witty and funny, come back!!

I think I am actually about to be able to fall asleep...

Hooray for breakfast pizza!

...but in hindsight this may kill my stomach. >_<

My cat snores from time to time...well it's more of a wheeze...but it is still odd all the same.

Still haven't slept...*sigh*...

Daddy...this has been one long night. Please stay with them tonight and hold them close.

I'm...I have no clue who Matthew is...I just know I am needy and in need of you. Please hold me closer and whisper in my ear one more time about how much you love me. Please tell me again how much you desire my presence, how you can take these blood soaked clothes and trade them for something new...something clean.

Daddy, I love you. I need you so much.

It's safe to say that now I feel worse then I did before.

A Frantic Prayer

Jesus...Jesus...I'm alone in this world and fucked up world it is too.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all going to be.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father,
he made the world in seven.
He's in charge of heaven,
could you put a word in for me?

-U2, 'Wake Up Dead Man'


You can see through me right now. They are asking me to pray, asking me to be something I am not. I've pranced along the way pretending I'm somehow a man of God when I am nothing but a sinning shame.

This is a damn shame.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this paper thin faith that can't even believe ion you strong enough for me to crawl out of this depressed self indulgent hole. I was thinking about music, boy time for the band! Fucking actual demons possible running around and what do I think...hey, music ministry!

Pure genius.

Can you please forgive me for being so stagnant, so hollow, so apathetic and so self absorbed?

I want to be sorry, sorry for having such a fake faith, such an apathetic view on life and having no concern for others and salvation.

I'm scared to prayer, I'm scared to do anythign but sit in here self indulging my ever whim and desire.

Could you please wash their family in your Spirit and in your peace? Would you please move in the only way that you can? Would you please, for your own sake, for being adherent to your own word, honor the prayers and faith of all of those begging for freedom for this soul?

What do i do now? I can't prayer on my knees because I'm so easily distracted...I'm so uncaring. I can act all cool, give answers and look good in a Bible study but when the shit breaks loose...I'm loss for words...I have no comfort to offer.

If there was anyone worthy of your holy and horrifying wrath it would be those hypocritical leaders like me. Wolves in sheep skin acting as if to care about your flock and only doing enough to ensure people are damned to Hell.

Yeah, that is beautiful isn't it?

My mind...my body...my soul...it is all sick and it is all exhausted...and you know what? I don't care. I say bring on the pain, this is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of this fucked up world and the pain running through it.

All the pain, all this suffering and I do nothing, I do not even bother to pray.

Please forgive me for being the problem and for adding to it. Please forgive me for embracing myself instead of your word, your spirit and your love. Please see through these insufficient cries and hear me. Please listen and break this rotten and stone filled hot.

Hold me in your arms tightly and never let me go. Daddy, Father, I am so desperate to know you closer. Please, do something now. Please

Reveal yourself, please whisper in their ears of your love, please do something to stir the heart. Do not let this be the end, help the body to fight, to live, to no longer be addicted to this world.

Cast down these strongholds of sin, these mocking demons and let the captives be free by your blood.

Thank you for loving me through the long nights. Thank you for never leaving me Daddy. I love you so much.

I pray and beg this in Christ's name.
Amen.

Goodbye today.
Hello tomorrow.
Maybe today's crap will stay here,
and you tomorrow will be new.

Thoughts and their processes...

...begin and respond.

Action followed quickly by reaction.

So far away.
So almost near,
but you are just as close.
Now if ever.

I hate feeling so torn, so separated...these feelings of pain, depression, sickness and doubt.

Who I am hates who I have been and is afraid of who I will become.

It is so hard for me to will myself to do anything outside of self loathe.


I feel like I am something inexpressible.

I want so badly to be understood and just accepted as myself.

No more fights, no more convoluted thoughts.

Help. Me. Please?

Peace On Earth

Heaven on Earth, we need it now
I'm sick of all of this hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be peace on Earth

Where I grew up there weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you

And it's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the color in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth

They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger than any big idea

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

-U2, "Peace on Earth"

Dearly Dearing Dance

Good night world.
Good night sky.
Good night lord.
Goodbye life.

These things run simply across the screen,
vain repetitions of a half baked lie.
Words flash incandescently by no real mean,
with nothing more than a half hearted try.
Colorful letters spelling out
as they caresses softly, grating these raw nerves.

The boy I am and the man I'll become are two different people.
The chasm of time stretches in endless miles,
the likes which seem to never end.
Willingly I bask in adoration I never earned,
desperate clawed attempts to find my way
as I strive to do nothing more then pretend.
This false salvation is what I only dare to try.

Good night dear stars.
Sleep well dear Love,
my heart in your hands.
Every last breath of my being is in You.
Every last thought of mine but a drop of Your ocean.
My being is in of and nothing more than You.

Ever pained breath,
desperate for life in this raging sea.
Every red eye,
pained by salty tears and promised lies.
Every burning ear,
conditioned to failure by damning hands.

The clay which you break and mold into beauty.
The beginnings of the greatest life never lived,
the start of a story which has never been told.
You embody the loveliness and hope we never knew we would need.

Goodnight.
Goodbye.
Dearest love of mine.
This plastic charade.
Goodbye and goodnight.
I will no longer miss you,
false smiles with pretense.
The beauty of the skin now scourged by knife
and scorched by flame.
A purity found only in the redemptive salvation of innocent blood.
The forgiveness brought and bought by something greater then me,
more then the lies I embrace as I stab you in the back.
More then I ever knew I needed.
This vain repetition I clutch too.

Goodnight, please keep me safe.
Goodbye, it is hard but I want to be free.
Goodnight, love please light my way.
Goodbye, never in ending but only in You.

Jesus...Jesus I need you so much.

I'm scared and I feel alone.

Things are so superficial around me...they are confusing and I just...I just need some kind of real rest, some kind of healing...some way of breaking out of this cycle of pain.

Do you love me as much as you promise?

Please do not let me self destruct.

Don't let me die here.
Don't let me die like this.
Please Daddy.

You know, I don't know if I'm scared and terrified of my sin because I know you know...or because I'm afraid others may find out and realize the absolute scumbag I am.

U2 - If God Will Send His Angels

I'm so inspired I might be sick.
Feeling your words like claws
I can't help but smile.
The insanity of it all.

Day 21

"Show your strength, God, so no one can miss it.
We are out singing the good news!"
-Psalm 21:13


I'm not exactly sure what to say or anything.

I want to experience you closer, I want to be closer to you and I would like to sing.

I just feel distant you know?

Kinda like how we can be closer but right now I'm just feeling so bad that it is hard to focus or concentrate.

I'm tired of being worried about nonsense and my hypocrisy...I just want to be clean, I want to be loved, I want to be yours.

I'm exhausted and feel ill.
Please help me to come back.

Ye gats I feel like I'm floating here.

I wish my body would stop freaking out long enough to realize that if it didn't freak out life would be much less of a headache.

Sleep now...please?

Seriously...?

Identity...I feel like I'm losing it...in a very bad way, identity I mean.

Really, who am I?

I have defined myself by titles, work I was doing, the praise of others, degrees, honors and other menial (and to be perfectly honest useless)things.

It's possible for me to be a chameleon around everyone. Everyone.

I'm not sure who the real me is.

Just whoever the hell he is, I am quite sure he is not a fan of circumstances...but then so what?

So, what?

The basic, good sense advice is to be happy with what I got and with who I am and what things are. If you boil things down I am just your typical middle middle class spoiled white kid who has two pretend degrees, a lot of health problems, an unbelievable amount of room for doubt and self loathing, few real job prospects, no real life aspirations and well... the bed I'm laying on, a glass of tea, U2 playing in Winamp and an increasingly neurotic orange cat by the name of Yoda.


So...story time:

One of the first major errors I made with theology came about partly because of my home life but mostly because I was a confused fourteen year old trying to wrap his head around life, the universe and everything.

Stoicism is a quite ancient form of Greek philosophy that I really do not feel like going into completely but will just hit on two relevant highlights:

-Matter is bad and spirit is good.
-Self improvement and discipline is the route to salvation and happiness.

Growing up in the ever so lovely South Eastern Maniac Christian Themed Land I still live in, I not only regularly heard these ideas but turned them into personal ideals. It went something like this:

"Sexual thought, sex itself, sex in general, the word sex, alcohol, beer, mixed drinks and Harry Potter are all the scourges of society. The utter moral corruption and decay we are facing from can be found in all these horrifically horrible acts. All we have to do is protest, stamp our feet really hard and put our fingers in our ears while humming loudly and we might just change the world. All the horrible things involving abortion, sexual addiction to porn, genocide and boy bands can be stopped if we make a loud enough noise while making sure the spot light is pointed right at us...right?"


Maybe it was just because I wasn't told enough as a child that I was loved but for some reason I embraced the idea behind those two ideas of Stoicism...the physical is bad/the spirit is good and if one works hard enough everything will be okay.

Well, it wasn't that I actually sat down and thought out about embracing heretical ideas...it is just something I was taught in church and the supposed example set for me by adults.

Really it is weird thinking about how greatly my life was impacted by an idea in church that has no legitimate business being there in the first place but if I had a dime for every time I have had one of these thoughts...

*Coughs* So...digressing.

I quite obviously do a lot of thinking and soul searching. One of the things on my mind lately has been trying to understand why I have been depressed and otherwise in a constant up and down state for most of my life. Sure we do have the theory about the chemical imbalance but what if, just what if I have been setting myself up to fail all of these years?

Obviously the idea behind Christianity is quite a good one (regardless if you believe or not).

1.God made a lot of crap and then made man.
2.Satan tempted man and man screwed up by sinning.
3.God in his infinite holy self hates sin.
4.Since God's holy rage is infinite Man is infinitely screwed.
5.Despite being severally pissed off, in a holy fury kind of way, God still loves man and longs to be near him again. Knowing this would happen, God had a plan: Jesus.
6.The Son part of the Trinity comes to earth and is a baby born of a virgin, God in literal human flesh.
7.Jesus lives a perfect life and along the way heals some blind guys, makes some awesome wine for some quite tipsy guys at a wedding and in general loves the unlovable misfits of this world while enraging the religious elite.
8.The aforementioned religious elite get together with other figures and eventually plot out how to get Jesus to look bad and be able to kill him.
9.Jesus is 100% God and 100% man. This concept gives me a 100% headache but at the same time is still true. Jesus allows himself to be arrested, beaten and horrifically tortured and executed.
10.This death was a deliberate act meant to take the place of man before an infinitely holy rageful God that had been offended by the sins of his creation.
11.In other words, because Jesus is God, God essentially chooses to die to redeem his beloved people from the mess they put themselves in.


I know I missed some bits here and there...but that is what the gospel means to me. It means that I am loved in spite of myself, my actions and my mistakes.

Christianity is not about earning salvation. God isn't the spiteful prick we try to make him into. He created us to be joyful, to enjoy love with him and each other. But at the end of the day life is not about us and our little plastic dreams. It's about Him and the fact we are incurable unless we go to Him.

Sexuality, alcohol and Harry Potter are not the reason why the world is so messed up. It is messed up because human nature is broken. But despite that there is love and real hope...but there is a tension between my recovering self and the love of Christ.

The big problem is that I do not think that I follow this very well. I might be mistaken and could be next in line for pope but at the end of the day I see the me that no one else does.

I tend to focus on the negative more then the positive.

The negative is that the world is messed up.
The positive is that there is a Love greater then I can understand but wants to know me on a personal level.

It may seem like self delusional crazy talk (do keep in mind who is writing this after all) but in all sincerity there is something deeper to this then mere placebos. Religion may be an opiate of the masses but real Christianity is meant to set fire to the soul and force us to look at the ugliness of ourselves but in the light of a forgiving love from one begging us to accept His love.


Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It was written by Solomon after spending a life of being the worlds richest king that had over a thousand women. Long story short the fame, the money, the sex and the life left him empty, hung over and wondering who stole his wallet.

The book acts as a deep reflection over the life he lived and how little value exists in so many things we place priority in. Similar to Proverbs it offers a lot of wisdom chunks here and there.

"I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life - here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?

It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it."

-Ecclesiastes 7:15-18

Balance is the key.
Finding a balance between where I am and where I am going.
Who I am and who I could be.
Finding a reasonable hour to go to sleep at.

I would dare say a lot of my pain has been needless because of trying to be something I am not. This doesn't excuse the bad but it does mean I am lovable as myself, in ways I'll never understand.

Jesus I think I'm going to fucking throw up.

Please, please help me.

Official 2008 Olympics Song: Please Ignore The Communism