Monday, August 18, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Day 15
"Walk straight, act right, tell the truth."
-Psalm 15:2
How am I supposed to walk straight when I don't even know where the hell I'm going?
I'm so tired, I'm tired of feeling sick, of being so selfish, for feeling guilty over being sick, for being imposed on by people who make me feel like shit for feeling like shit...I don't even know what is wrong. For all I know I'm messed up in the head and my stomach is fine.
I feel like I'm trapped here because I have nowhere to go, I hate school, I hate work, I hate church, I hate You. I'm so sick of this walking blindly with faith crap. I'm tired, I am hurting, do you understand or even give a damn?
I just want to stand here and scream at you because of how scared and frightened I am and I have no way of saying it. Every time, every time I try to talk about it I feel guilty for imposing myself so I make some kind of stupid joke to put off the fears of dying, of maybe being ill and not able to find out what it is.
I make jokes because if I take MYSELF serious then and my PROBLEMS serious, then it IS serious.
I wish I never would have been born.
I hate life.
I hate You.
Thank you for loving me, loving me even now. I'm sorry. That is all I know to say. I love you and I'm sorry.
-Psalm 15:2
How am I supposed to walk straight when I don't even know where the hell I'm going?
I'm so tired, I'm tired of feeling sick, of being so selfish, for feeling guilty over being sick, for being imposed on by people who make me feel like shit for feeling like shit...I don't even know what is wrong. For all I know I'm messed up in the head and my stomach is fine.
I feel like I'm trapped here because I have nowhere to go, I hate school, I hate work, I hate church, I hate You. I'm so sick of this walking blindly with faith crap. I'm tired, I am hurting, do you understand or even give a damn?
I just want to stand here and scream at you because of how scared and frightened I am and I have no way of saying it. Every time, every time I try to talk about it I feel guilty for imposing myself so I make some kind of stupid joke to put off the fears of dying, of maybe being ill and not able to find out what it is.
I make jokes because if I take MYSELF serious then and my PROBLEMS serious, then it IS serious.
I wish I never would have been born.
I hate life.
I hate You.
Thank you for loving me, loving me even now. I'm sorry. That is all I know to say. I love you and I'm sorry.
The Art of Hypocrisy
Messages flash across the screen
tearing the sound across with a screech,
flashing words of false humility and tearful pride.
Nothing is as it seems,
everything dare dreamed resides in,
with bitter lies and holy tears.
The words you speak expire,
flaunting as the meek
while we all burn on this pyre of self.
The worse of all is myself, false humility and all.
Self exposed hypocrite to vein to quit.
To emboldened to retire or simply be.
The world is mine and everything in it.
Mine.
Myself.
I.
tearing the sound across with a screech,
flashing words of false humility and tearful pride.
Nothing is as it seems,
everything dare dreamed resides in,
with bitter lies and holy tears.
The words you speak expire,
flaunting as the meek
while we all burn on this pyre of self.
The worse of all is myself, false humility and all.
Self exposed hypocrite to vein to quit.
To emboldened to retire or simply be.
The world is mine and everything in it.
Mine.
Myself.
I.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Day 12
Into the hovels of the poor, Into the dark streets where the homeless groan, God speaks: "I've had enough, I'm on my way to heal the ache in the heart of the wretched,"
-Psalm 12:5
How long before you come and do this?
I can't handle my own pain and I don't know how you can handle the worlds...but please do. Don't forget us, don't forget me please. I need you Father, in this moment and for what time I have left here and for when I'm with you for eternity...please do not forget my name and forget me.
-Psalm 12:5
How long before you come and do this?
I can't handle my own pain and I don't know how you can handle the worlds...but please do. Don't forget us, don't forget me please. I need you Father, in this moment and for what time I have left here and for when I'm with you for eternity...please do not forget my name and forget me.
Insomniac
Floating although not awake,
stifled although not made.
Dreams of stuff yet made,
Clever rhymes made to feel aches.
It's safe to say the break will fade
until the light passes to night.
Words and their letters spell out in light
and poor metaphors.
Sleep deprived and driving through fog
light by deathly orange street lights.
It's safe to say it's all in shades of gray,
the words said cannot be taken as thus.
Every escaped breath can be taken as this,
look and see for yourself and don't be fooled.
stifled although not made.
Dreams of stuff yet made,
Clever rhymes made to feel aches.
It's safe to say the break will fade
until the light passes to night.
Words and their letters spell out in light
and poor metaphors.
Sleep deprived and driving through fog
light by deathly orange street lights.
It's safe to say it's all in shades of gray,
the words said cannot be taken as thus.
Every escaped breath can be taken as this,
look and see for yourself and don't be fooled.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Day 11
"I've already run for dear life straight to the arms of God. So why would I run away now when you say."
-Psalm 11:1
So much chaos is going around...so much heart ache. Please hold me Jesus, please keep me safe and keep everyone around me. Help me to be a blessing and not a curse, thank you for your love and your care. I love you and need you so much.
-Psalm 11:1
So much chaos is going around...so much heart ache. Please hold me Jesus, please keep me safe and keep everyone around me. Help me to be a blessing and not a curse, thank you for your love and your care. I love you and need you so much.
Feeling Some Days
Every day is indeed a day,
but some days are better then others.
Some days are better worth living
and others better left running from.
Some days are better left alone,
while others you see mother.
I just keep getting this funny feeling,
that some day is just today.
You know yesterday wasn't today,
but tomorrow is just another day.
Another day.
The new day was left waiting
on the day before to catch up.
While the news from the other one
got lost on the press.
Forget duress and the day.
Come back and realize that today,
yeah today,
is just in fact another day.
but some days are better then others.
Some days are better worth living
and others better left running from.
Some days are better left alone,
while others you see mother.
I just keep getting this funny feeling,
that some day is just today.
You know yesterday wasn't today,
but tomorrow is just another day.
Another day.
The new day was left waiting
on the day before to catch up.
While the news from the other one
got lost on the press.
Forget duress and the day.
Come back and realize that today,
yeah today,
is just in fact another day.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Ye gods, how does one stupid article have some many bloody typos?
** ** **
So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.
I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.
By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.
It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.
Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.
Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.
Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.
I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.
The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.
All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.
"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "
-Isaiah 66:1-4
I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.
We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.
Digressing...
Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."
Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.
Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"
Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).
It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48
Let's see...covered being called by ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.
So then, what now?
I have no freaking clue.
Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.
I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.
To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.
To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:
"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
I Rejoice"
-U2, "Rejoice"
Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.
Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.
Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.
"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another. "
-Jesus, John 15-17
** ** **
Ye gads if I have to do another COMPLETE revision of this stupid article I may just start setting random objects in my room on fire.
** ** **
So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.
I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.
By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.
It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.
Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.
Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.
Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.
I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.
The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.
All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.
"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "
-Isaiah 66:1-4
I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.
We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.
Digressing...
Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."
Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.
Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"
Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).
It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48
Let's see...covered being called by ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.
So then, what now?
I have no freaking clue.
Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.
I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.
To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.
To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:
"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
I Rejoice"
-U2, "Rejoice"
Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.
Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.
Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.
"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another. "
-Jesus, John 15-17
** ** **
Ye gads if I have to do another COMPLETE revision of this stupid article I may just start setting random objects in my room on fire.
Day 10
"But you know all about it-- the contempt, the abuse. I dare to believe that the luckless will get lucky someday in you. You won't let them down: orphans won't be orphans forever."
-Psalm 10:14
It's been a while since I've read Your word and felt a bright hope and a connection like this. Just...hearing and knowing that it is okay to believe in your peace, your goodness, your forthcoming mercy and love...it's...actually reassuring.
Thank you for loving me in my worse times, thank you for taking a bastard child and giving me a home, giving me love and trying to give me a purpose. I still don't get it but thank you for trying and trying again and again. Thank you for your love Daddy, thank you for being my Awesome God and my personal love...so many things I can't even give to words.
I don't want to stop here, please do not let me stop here, never let me stop and help me to keep pressing forward into whatever future there is. While the day lasts help me to prepare for the onslaught of the darkness, help me to find the place where you would have me be and go be ready to go to that darkness.
Don't let me get to far ahead, pull me back as needed but please, I beg you, help me to be ready for where you would have me serve and love others.
Thank you for saving this heart, soul, mind and body with your.
Thank you Father.
-Psalm 10:14
It's been a while since I've read Your word and felt a bright hope and a connection like this. Just...hearing and knowing that it is okay to believe in your peace, your goodness, your forthcoming mercy and love...it's...actually reassuring.
Thank you for loving me in my worse times, thank you for taking a bastard child and giving me a home, giving me love and trying to give me a purpose. I still don't get it but thank you for trying and trying again and again. Thank you for your love Daddy, thank you for being my Awesome God and my personal love...so many things I can't even give to words.
I don't want to stop here, please do not let me stop here, never let me stop and help me to keep pressing forward into whatever future there is. While the day lasts help me to prepare for the onslaught of the darkness, help me to find the place where you would have me be and go be ready to go to that darkness.
Don't let me get to far ahead, pull me back as needed but please, I beg you, help me to be ready for where you would have me serve and love others.
Thank you for saving this heart, soul, mind and body with your.
Thank you Father.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Day 9
"You took over and set everything right; when I needed you, you were there, taking charge."
-Psalm 9:4
Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.
Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.
Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.
-Psalm 9:4
Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.
Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.
Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Day 8
I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way? Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods, bright with Eden's dawn light.
-Psalm 8:3-5
I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.
I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.
I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.
I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.
Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.
I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.
-Psalm 8:3-5
I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.
I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.
I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.
I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.
Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.
I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.
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