Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Screams of the Undead
Every single time i feel the burn i try to throw it away.
A fast fix for the brokenness of everyday.
Its like the pain is building up, it's swelling up,
I've got to choke it down and break it down until it's broke down.
it's like a shard of glass, it's like a broken piece.
Of everything i hate, it's everything in me,
A burnt heart stains black the blood it flows.
A dead soul will overshadow.
Push it out. It's everything you never were,
Push it out. I want to see it shatter.
And Everyday i see my life rewind tearing through dreams i find im wide awake.
And even when it's wrong i start to learn, and then i do it again.
I reach out to grasp and get a broken hand,
And everyone is going to turn their backs.
I want to take them down,
and strike them down and leave them struck down.
Its like I'm made to fail with everything i gain.
Just an infected piece in a defective game.
My two hands give birth to nothing right.
A black past is an effective foresight.
Push it out, it's everything you never were.
Push it out, i want to see it shatter.
And Everyday i see my life rewind tearing through dreams i find I'm wide awake.
And everything is building up, a pale heart is an empty cup,
if nothing ever changes, I'm breaking down, giving up.
Burn it out, let it go, break it all, lose control,
force it out, bring it through, pass it down, make it new.
Kill the pain, scrape it off, leave it here, make it stop.
Tear it down, bleed it out, all the hate, see it straight.
No one ever told me that it would all stay the same.
Everyday i fall on shards of my hatred and shame.
-Demon Hunter, "Screams of the Undead"
A fast fix for the brokenness of everyday.
Its like the pain is building up, it's swelling up,
I've got to choke it down and break it down until it's broke down.
it's like a shard of glass, it's like a broken piece.
Of everything i hate, it's everything in me,
A burnt heart stains black the blood it flows.
A dead soul will overshadow.
Push it out. It's everything you never were,
Push it out. I want to see it shatter.
And Everyday i see my life rewind tearing through dreams i find im wide awake.
And even when it's wrong i start to learn, and then i do it again.
I reach out to grasp and get a broken hand,
And everyone is going to turn their backs.
I want to take them down,
and strike them down and leave them struck down.
Its like I'm made to fail with everything i gain.
Just an infected piece in a defective game.
My two hands give birth to nothing right.
A black past is an effective foresight.
Push it out, it's everything you never were.
Push it out, i want to see it shatter.
And Everyday i see my life rewind tearing through dreams i find I'm wide awake.
And everything is building up, a pale heart is an empty cup,
if nothing ever changes, I'm breaking down, giving up.
Burn it out, let it go, break it all, lose control,
force it out, bring it through, pass it down, make it new.
Kill the pain, scrape it off, leave it here, make it stop.
Tear it down, bleed it out, all the hate, see it straight.
No one ever told me that it would all stay the same.
Everyday i fall on shards of my hatred and shame.
-Demon Hunter, "Screams of the Undead"
Monday, July 28, 2008
Related Movie Quote
In the movie Collateral Tom Cruise plays a hit man by the name of Vincent and Jamie Foxx plays the role of a cab driver named Max that unwillingly drives the hit man around. The cab driver doesn't discover the real reason for driving around Vincent until after his first victim plummets out of a building and lands on the cab. The following conversation happens after they leave the building.
Vincent: Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy.
Max: Well, who was he?
Vincent: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?
Max: Yes, I know Rwanda.
Vincent: Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?
Max: What?
Vincent: Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit.
Max: Man, I don't know any Rwandans.
Vincent: You don't know the guy in the trunk, either.
Vincent: Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy.
Max: Well, who was he?
Vincent: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?
Max: Yes, I know Rwanda.
Vincent: Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?
Max: What?
Vincent: Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit.
Max: Man, I don't know any Rwandans.
Vincent: You don't know the guy in the trunk, either.
Fears of Pretending
So, there was a time when I thought people who were irrationally afraid of being seen at counterfeits, exposed as counterfeits and in general terrified of the combination of the word 'counter' and the suffix 'fiet' had issues.
I realize that I have been doing this for years without realizing it.
What seems to be one of the base human needs is a desire to be wanted.
At what point does this become to much, overblown, increasingly erratic and unhealthy?
What point exists to where it is unhealthy to depend on other human beings?
Certainly we are all prone to this at different levels. No two human beings have the exact same desires and needs and yet, most have at least the basic desires to be desired and wanted around.
But what about this point to where narcissism rears its ugly head? Or what about when it feels like the reason I do anything is to garner attention and find ways to support myself? Would I be anything if I didn't have other humans to leach off of?
How the heck are we supposed to have some kind of real community and fellowship when it feels like the only reason I want anyone else around is to use them and presumably it is likewise?
Okay, I admit this is almost as pointless as the whole argument of "Does anyone turn to God for right reasons?"
Is there selfless reasons to desire God? Is there selfless reasons to desire love, hope, peace, caring, kindness and the rest?
Maybe, maybe not.
All I have is my personal perspective and a struggling faith. I see things as they are and they way they could be, should be. That by itself is maddening. I am presumptuous enough to say I believe I am right yet I am not crazy enough to strap explosives to myself to prove a point.
I need some kind of moving, some kind of being flung in a direction. I feel like I have been stationary for to long. I feel like I should not be here, that being here is unnatural, wrong, maybe even sinful.
I have trouble putting these things into words but I feel like I should be 'out there', wherever and whatever that exactly means and such and the like.
...which I suppose in one way my crazed fixation for music and playing in a band. It covers all the bases of "being out there", "going places", "carrying a message"...but uh, the only hiccup boss is the whole rest of the group not being on the same page. Ergo, the problem was me and not them.
I'm guessing God doesn't normally tell a group of people to go when he can just use a single person? Maybe? Once again I'm being presumptuous, I am assuming and we are getting into some dangerously awkward territory.
Talking about certainty, about fate, about the love of God...now this is some real dangerous territory.
Do you know why?
It means I am exposing myself as a counterfeit, something I am terrified of. It means walking a thin line between being myself and creating a pantomime that people want to see.
Let's be honest with ourselves, who actually is 'hungry and thirsty' for the love of God? I can speak for no one but myself but I sure as heck am not. If I had my way I would dig a dark hole to hide in for the rest of my life and be a Gollum. The only reason I haven't is because I'm constantly in a tug of war fight with God over myself.
I want peace, I want wholeness and I want to be honest and open...but at the same time I abhor it all. I hate the light, I want to spit on the face of Christ almost as equally as I want to hug him and say thanks for the whole Golgotha thing.
I do not know how normal that is but the last thing I want from any other human being is consolation or reaffirmation that it will be okay because at the end of the day it will not be okay.
It will not be okay because of their being two logical outcomes to what I believe.
1.I am wrong and I am a crazy person who has invisible friends called God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and Lucifer. I should be put in a place with low lit lights and be given a nice warm white jacket and an IV full of happy drugs for all the good I am doing the world.
The selfish and cowardly part of me BEGS for that to be the truth. That this is all nothing more then the mad ramblings of someone with way to much time on his hands and all that is needed to fix him is a warm glass of milk full of drugs.
It would be easy and painless. I would be the god I have so desperately worshiped all these years and no one could do a damn thing to change it.
2.I'm right and a lot of people are going to Hell. Furthermore, I along with a lot of the other people who believe this really do not care. Of course we're willing to throw a few dollars at whatever spokesperson is supporting the poor and hungry this week but really how much does it bother us?
It bothers me a lot.
I use excuses where I can but ultimately I have nothing to hide behind. Bad health or not, extreme pain or not. Excuses, meaningless in their poor attempts to shroud my selfishness, my hate, my prejudices, my broken desires, my depressed nature...I could go on but I think you get the point.
Point being, I believe fervently in Jesus but at the same time I fell a mounting mass of contradictions in my life, my beliefs and in general the way the world operates. I hate stating things in a completely obvious manner, must be the poet in me, but there are only so many ways you can sincerely state something.
I want to do something positive to help myself and others but I'm almost terrified to because it feels like I am in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' position. Regardless of what I do it won't be enough, it'll hurt someone, it'll push someone further away....jeez this stuff is almost circular in its maddening qualities.
But the worse thing...well...as trite as this is a Bible verse kinda works very well here:
"And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, "Today - at the latest, tomorrow - we're off to such and such city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money." You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, "If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that."
As it is, you are full of your grandiose selves. All such vaunting self-importance is evil. In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."
-James 4:13-17
I realize that I have been doing this for years without realizing it.
What seems to be one of the base human needs is a desire to be wanted.
At what point does this become to much, overblown, increasingly erratic and unhealthy?
What point exists to where it is unhealthy to depend on other human beings?
Certainly we are all prone to this at different levels. No two human beings have the exact same desires and needs and yet, most have at least the basic desires to be desired and wanted around.
But what about this point to where narcissism rears its ugly head? Or what about when it feels like the reason I do anything is to garner attention and find ways to support myself? Would I be anything if I didn't have other humans to leach off of?
How the heck are we supposed to have some kind of real community and fellowship when it feels like the only reason I want anyone else around is to use them and presumably it is likewise?
Okay, I admit this is almost as pointless as the whole argument of "Does anyone turn to God for right reasons?"
Is there selfless reasons to desire God? Is there selfless reasons to desire love, hope, peace, caring, kindness and the rest?
Maybe, maybe not.
All I have is my personal perspective and a struggling faith. I see things as they are and they way they could be, should be. That by itself is maddening. I am presumptuous enough to say I believe I am right yet I am not crazy enough to strap explosives to myself to prove a point.
I need some kind of moving, some kind of being flung in a direction. I feel like I have been stationary for to long. I feel like I should not be here, that being here is unnatural, wrong, maybe even sinful.
I have trouble putting these things into words but I feel like I should be 'out there', wherever and whatever that exactly means and such and the like.
...which I suppose in one way my crazed fixation for music and playing in a band. It covers all the bases of "being out there", "going places", "carrying a message"...but uh, the only hiccup boss is the whole rest of the group not being on the same page. Ergo, the problem was me and not them.
I'm guessing God doesn't normally tell a group of people to go when he can just use a single person? Maybe? Once again I'm being presumptuous, I am assuming and we are getting into some dangerously awkward territory.
Talking about certainty, about fate, about the love of God...now this is some real dangerous territory.
Do you know why?
It means I am exposing myself as a counterfeit, something I am terrified of. It means walking a thin line between being myself and creating a pantomime that people want to see.
Let's be honest with ourselves, who actually is 'hungry and thirsty' for the love of God? I can speak for no one but myself but I sure as heck am not. If I had my way I would dig a dark hole to hide in for the rest of my life and be a Gollum. The only reason I haven't is because I'm constantly in a tug of war fight with God over myself.
I want peace, I want wholeness and I want to be honest and open...but at the same time I abhor it all. I hate the light, I want to spit on the face of Christ almost as equally as I want to hug him and say thanks for the whole Golgotha thing.
I do not know how normal that is but the last thing I want from any other human being is consolation or reaffirmation that it will be okay because at the end of the day it will not be okay.
It will not be okay because of their being two logical outcomes to what I believe.
1.I am wrong and I am a crazy person who has invisible friends called God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and Lucifer. I should be put in a place with low lit lights and be given a nice warm white jacket and an IV full of happy drugs for all the good I am doing the world.
The selfish and cowardly part of me BEGS for that to be the truth. That this is all nothing more then the mad ramblings of someone with way to much time on his hands and all that is needed to fix him is a warm glass of milk full of drugs.
It would be easy and painless. I would be the god I have so desperately worshiped all these years and no one could do a damn thing to change it.
2.I'm right and a lot of people are going to Hell. Furthermore, I along with a lot of the other people who believe this really do not care. Of course we're willing to throw a few dollars at whatever spokesperson is supporting the poor and hungry this week but really how much does it bother us?
It bothers me a lot.
I use excuses where I can but ultimately I have nothing to hide behind. Bad health or not, extreme pain or not. Excuses, meaningless in their poor attempts to shroud my selfishness, my hate, my prejudices, my broken desires, my depressed nature...I could go on but I think you get the point.
Point being, I believe fervently in Jesus but at the same time I fell a mounting mass of contradictions in my life, my beliefs and in general the way the world operates. I hate stating things in a completely obvious manner, must be the poet in me, but there are only so many ways you can sincerely state something.
I want to do something positive to help myself and others but I'm almost terrified to because it feels like I am in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' position. Regardless of what I do it won't be enough, it'll hurt someone, it'll push someone further away....jeez this stuff is almost circular in its maddening qualities.
But the worse thing...well...as trite as this is a Bible verse kinda works very well here:
"And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, "Today - at the latest, tomorrow - we're off to such and such city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money." You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, "If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that."
As it is, you are full of your grandiose selves. All such vaunting self-importance is evil. In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."
-James 4:13-17
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Hold Me Jesus
Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
-Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus"
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
-Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus"
I am so tired.
I sleep but there is no rest.
Physically my stomach is killing me and making it impossible to focus on anything else.
Lord, I am so tired.
Plus the bizarre dreams.
Focus is increasingly difficult.
But I want to love you so much more. I can talk about how much failure this in my life, go on ages about how much closer I want to be...but that is just the idle talk of a fool who doesn't know his left hand from his right.
I'm a fool for you, no more no less. Not to be mistakened for someone who knows anything beyond the basics...I am just me. Who you created me as. I don't have much strength left to endure.
Please remember me. Do not let me fade to nothingness. Please.
I sleep but there is no rest.
Physically my stomach is killing me and making it impossible to focus on anything else.
Lord, I am so tired.
Plus the bizarre dreams.
Focus is increasingly difficult.
But I want to love you so much more. I can talk about how much failure this in my life, go on ages about how much closer I want to be...but that is just the idle talk of a fool who doesn't know his left hand from his right.
I'm a fool for you, no more no less. Not to be mistakened for someone who knows anything beyond the basics...I am just me. Who you created me as. I don't have much strength left to endure.
Please remember me. Do not let me fade to nothingness. Please.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
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