Hope shall rise.

Bad Timing

You simply have no idea how enraged I am this second, how much I hate and how much I despise your very existence.



Thank you so much for CARING enough to put such wonderful people for me to hate in my life. Thank you so much, where would I be without that PERFECT and FLAWLESS plan of yours?

Bold Words, Bolder Silence

I am not even vaguely aware of what I am supposed to write. As always there is the impulse and desire to write...so here I am.

There is the typical bit where I can rail against something personal or impersonal. It is always a good P.R. move to make very bold and very broad statements against things that are not average, not typical and could be a destroyer of the status quo.

I am guessing a large portion of this has to deal with human nature in general...but the way things are sometimes...the way people are...it is outright confusing.

I have always had these odd ball day dreams about how wonderful it would be to be the only human in this world. To an extent it is still true, sometimes I wish I could be alone and not have to deal with anyone else. Focus on my needs alone and maybe find some kind of solace, maybe some sort of healing that can never come when you constantly have to deal with people that ultimately are just trying to be their own best interests.

I am tired. It is more then the sleepy bits we all have, it is almost like I am scrapped thin...plus I am sick. I wish I didn't haven't work so I could just lay here and sleep and recover my favorite bits of sanity.

So it is like I wish I could be alone, absolute silence and solace from voices, messages, demands, struggles, hate, awkwardness and all of the rest of my daily lives. It seems like it would be nice to be lost in a wave, lost in an ocean of empty streets and open desert sky.

Things are quite dry already, the breeze simply has to pick up a bit and you could feel the emptiness touch your skin. I assume at some point I would eventually desire human contact...more importantly the desire for God that circumvents everything else as well...the needs that keep me grounded in reality and dependent on others would rip me from the blissful fantasy of solitude.

That is much of life it seems. We live in our fantasy worlds where we live out what we want more then anything else and are willing to sacrifice anything in the name of ourself.

I do not honestly understand true selflessness. I have met some people I thought were selfless but ultimately they were nothing more then broken people who were only concerned in using people in order to fulfill a broken need in themselves to control and 'fix' others. Like a puppet master, just stringing things along and when things go sour they throw out the puppet into the trash with the rest of the world's broken dreams.

It would be so nice if I could get rid of these awkward feelings of self important fear of being myself, fear of wasting away at a job I hate, it would be good to get rid of the intense feelings of self depreciation simply because I was born a white middle class male. I still have to insist that sexuality is completely over rated and the difference between male and female are baffling and right now I don't even want to care.

I am more then slightly tired from thinking and would like to just be able to breath pain free, to be free or worrying about what may or may not come. Do you know how wonderful it would be just to abandon myself, my loves, my fears, my hates, my world and my purposes and leave them behind forever more?

No more silly tears, feeling dumb, acting like I am more then what I am. It would be wonderful to recapture that spark of life, to feel an energy and desire to not just live but to create for its own sake...to know I am loved and could love back in every last possible way.

But in the mean time I am myself. I am still Matthew for ever last thing it means. I have hurt people and been hurt by them as well. I have pressed on and have lived life much longer then I ever expected to. For whatever will come and will be the only stead factors I know are in my head and in my heart. Things will never make much sense but I am here existing as I am for as long as I can and will exist. For the better, for the worse and for tomorrow.

Is there every a time when I am NOT sick?

Once again I must profess my bafflement.

I am rather sure this must feel like a daily routine to you but I am confused. Really confused, we're talking more confused then ever. Let me put it this way:

Every day is more confusing then the previous. Every morning I wake up I am more confused and bewildered then the day before. Every day of my life is the most confusing day. I learn something new, I forget something important, I get bruised, I hurt someones feelings, I hurt myself, I forget the importance of your love, I choose to embrace hate, I feel sorta lost in ways and overall it is just an embracing of a something that I do not understand.

The mind is hazy, the temperature is sorta mild in an awkward way, the sky is light gray with traces of a color I am not familiar with, the sandwich I just ate was good but only in the way that a sandwich made with spicy mustard is when you compare it to the goodness of regular mustard. You know? It isn't the same, it never is the same.

Regular mustard is the foundation of good food. Hands down.

But work is in a few minutes, I really dislike that place. The people are people but I hate the job, I do not feel like trying to get people to buy useless crap they will most likely not even remember buying.

It feels dehumanizing in a way, is that overly dramatic? Is my desire for regular mustard dramatic too?

Listen, I want to do the right thing. I do not like setting off on my own and acting like I am some kind of special thing that people should fawn over. I do not even like fawning over myself...but at the same time it honestly helps to hear compliments, to be reassured that I am actually indeed something unique and special.

It even helps to hear from YOU every now and again, of course by every now and again i mean now, now and forever. Is that unreasonable?



I am told to act. Goody. It is not like I ever considered that possibility.

The thing is I want to act out and move in the way that would be right, that would be beneficial, that would make you happy. It is confusing talking in abstract terms and thinking in them...placing things concretely might help but ultimately it would still be a headache of some sort and magnitude.

It is not like I have ever seen this before, or never moved before, or acted before...for whatever reason it feels scarier and just really not what I like to deal with.

Or something. Really, I just do not know what to say at this point. I do not care about trying or wanting to be funny. I don't like the way things are. I would like to be closer then we ever have been, I want to do more then touch...I would like to be as one.

Small Words

Some things may be spoken
Others rhymed
Half breath statements barely alive

Some things can be said
Others must be emphasized
Bold words largely revised

A breath of air in the dark
Large falsehoods painted in red
Embolden by their vulgar stark

What, a plea outside for the inward dead?
Acting so free with that life,
Casting about with those looks so trite
Affection never rang so true
Except by words you said

This pride could be said
Vernacular demised
But some things are better left unsaid
At least until they are screamed

-A Suit A Tie, The Key Isn't the Point
-Of Elephants and Donkeys
-Bleeding Hearts, Broken Mines
-The Beginning's End
-The Only Things I Hate More Then Myself is Your Smile (But Other Then That I Think I'm Starting to Like You)
-At Long Last A Song Without the E Chord
-Zombie Express Train
-Music of the Brain Dead
-It's Not That I'm Critical As Much As You Suffer From Bad Tastes

If I ever wanted 'proof' of the non-existence of God I think MTV alone would be enough to do the trick. It at least would remind me of the death of most good music, common sense and the downfall of society in general.

I suppose knowing that the vast majority of things eventually will have no meaning and will simply contribute to the piling of metaphorical trash in the world.

Maybe we should start to burn some of these excess metaphors as a source of energy.

Soon

I am so tired right now...I feel tired and so far from home. Away from the place where I can stay, away from the place I can hang my hat. Distant from my fellow man as mcuh as I am from night is from the day.

I feel tired and slightly alone but the comfort is in knowing that I never am. One day the sky will roll up and reveal silver light. The night will pass away and every tear will be wiped away.

No more of this nonsense, no more of things just wasting away.

It'll be one day soon.

I am feeling incredibly confused right now. Really, really, really confused that is.

I feel like a train wreck in so many ways right now.

Bleh.

Do you have ANY idea how much I hate that feeling?

So enraged, so enraged.

Hmph

I cannot pretend to know this word.
Inklings of a life past flow in expanse.

Speechless.
Breathless.
Embrace.

The yawing, the gaping expression.
An expanse, the border of existence.
You are mindful now, if you ever were.
Nothing said, nothing will.
Goodbye.

Juxtaposition

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

-U2, "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)"



There are so many indescribable thoughts in my mind that are described in that short verse. There are so many pounding, pulsating, raging, screaming thoughts desperately trying to escape from my mind at any given time. There are so many of these thoughts and so little that I can honestly do with them.

So much of myself is intermingled with the mask I wear around people. A lot of the time I am not sure about who I really am, where the persona and my soul end and begin. It is almost like I have lost sight of who I am, who this 'Matt' is, who 'Ninten' is, who any of these people, persons and things are.

Where do my real feelings begin? What do I feel? Why do I have all of these incredibly confusing impulses that make next to no sense?

I would much rather run free of this inhibitions, to be free of what feels like dead weight...to allow whoever it is that I am to be freed to exist.

It is more then just confusion about who I am, what I am...it is confusion over my being, my action, my reaction...similar to the discussions over if a person is made by their actions or if they make their actions because of who they are. Ultimately it is a dichotomy which cannot be separated.


Black and White.
Male and Female.
Night and Day
End and Beginning


So many opposites and necessary contradictions. There has to be a level of tension for life to proceed at any sense of pace. We are not allowed to set the parameters for life and existence but if we pay attention, if we look close enough then we can see so much more then we could ever know otherwise.



Juxtaposition.



God, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.

Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.

Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.

Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.

Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.

Be still my heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.

Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.

Wake, burn.

The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.

Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.

An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.

It is so odd to know you and still be looking for you, to still not know you and to have a desire deeper then anything else TO know you.

Or something.

No Wish to Sleep Forever More

Could be worse but as always it could be better.

You know?

It is hard understanding you. No offense but you have the advantage in this one. I really do not like the way things have been going, how they have turned out. The feelings are becoming slightly desperate because of what feels like a growing chasm between us.

Wow, I just kind of realized how this has been like a roller coaster ride of sorts. The years we have known each other, You wishing to be so much closer and I have just spent years running away. In the moments I shut up long enough to hear you, I then get upset because you are wanting to work in your time...not in mine.

Do we even need to get into the areas of where I screw up life not just for myself but for others? The pain I have caused again and again almost feels like a noose that is slowly slipping tighter around my neck. How much longer until people realize I am not who they think I am? Lord, what the hell was I doing in ever thinking I could be yours?

It is crazy how none of this even remotely looks like I thought it would. My natural inclination would be to apologize for who I am, for every breath I have taken, for every thought and impulse to travel through my brain's synapses...but it isn't like that, is it?

My biological existence means just as much to you as the ψυχή that drives the core?

I am to tired from fighting an endless fight of suppression. I do not want to face this world anymore, could we just run away from it all? I think I can safely say I am tired of it all. If we can't run away could you at least help me find some stability in my mind, my emotions, my desires, my needs, my thoughts...this amalgamated mess of my being?

Please help me to find a balance of who I am and who You are?

I know I say that I love You, that these words are somehow supposed to convey the longings of a blackened heart...but I do love you. Every last effort put forth by this broken thing desires to be about you. I am sick to death of myself and my desires, my wants, me...me...me. This self infected madness I embrace just so I can celebrate me.

Please teach me, reduce me, I honestly beg you. Remove me from the equation and do the kind of miracle of life that is only done by you.

In the next fleeting moment when I curse life, despise others, desire death, wishfully lust and pour out my malice into a mold of hatred...please remember me. I honestly no longer know who i am but You, You are my beginning and my end. No more, no less I need You.



"Should you hurt yourself or simply sleep?
I shall collect myself after I weep,
And garb myself in ocean blue,
With no method of goodbye to you,
Should the marsh render a crane to cry,
And the sea suspend her gulls to fly,
I’ll lend myself unto their wings,
And hear the voice of Jesus sing,
No wish for he whose whimsy does soar,
No wish to sleep forever more,
No eye shadow as thick as paint,
No pigment pleads unto the faint

Forgiveness like a blanket of snow whispers like the wind does blow,
Beckoning unto the deep, offering unto the meek,
And there you lay in Jesus’ hands, resting there beside the lamb,
There will not be a circular piece to drive into a square shaped keep,
No hands to hold within my own,
No second soul inside our home,
We’ll walk beside the crystal sea,
Myself for my love, and my love for me"

-Showbread, "The Missing Wife"

Sick and Sicker

I have two modes of existence, sick and sicker.

Sick - I feel tired, fatigued, the normal back and neck issues and such.

Sicker - I have contracted something in addition to the normal aches and pains.

Today I am sicker. Curse you throat for hurting and God help me not to want to beat every smoker around me with a stick. Every time I go downstairs it is almost like I feel the second hand smoke running towards me wanting to slice and dice my throat. Hooray!

The Spinning Wheel of Life

Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

Does it matter? Yes. I do not want it to matter but by God, it does. It counts for something and what that means I have no clue. None at all.

Boom

Something I have always wondered about is why I am so sick so often. it isn't that I am the most healthy person, it is just I see people who's concept of healthiness is utter trash and yet they are not as sick as me. I won't bother saying that isn't fair because life is not but it is a frustrating thought all the same.

Another bothersome tidbit is the fact I can sleep about six-ten hours a night and still wake up completely exhausted and hurting. Isn't sleep supposed to fix some of that? Instead I get bizarre dreams that just remind me that I hate being asleep almost as much as I sometimes hate being awake. Well, not that I hate life per say, it is just there are some aspects of life I would be happy without.

Work I am looking at you with an angry glare and a desire to see you die the horrible death you deserve.

It is frustrating to be working a job to get 'experince' and nothing else. I am barely making a positive influx of cash and I am expected to work so hard for what is nothing better then a fast food job salary. I am not even sure how I got roped into this annoyingly stupid cycle.

Something else annoying, adults acting like childrean. That has been the hallmark of my life. Besides making me feel like God has a rather annoying sense of humor this has been nothing more then a nuisance. I freely admit I am being judgmental. It is frustrating growing up and being able to actually consider yourself more mature then the people you live with, simply because you are not the only screaming at others because of a selfish need to control (makes me think of a baby) or someone so addicted to chemicals that they make asininery seem like a talent (almost like one of the more annoying ninth graders I have had to watch at school). God, why the Hell do you have to have a marriage license but there cannot be some actual kind of regulation for people being allowed to raise or watch children?

It makes me physical sick to think that I have actually had a good life compared to a lot of people and the pain they go through. It makes enraged to think that so much time is wasted over such pointless emotions and feelings...I hate these memories and feelings and everything that goes with it.

Like a sulking child I wish God would just give me the complete silence and void of nothing that my immature and animal desires want. To be kept safe from all the messy entanglements and painful potential happy trappings of the word love. To be freed from the grating voices and demands of people just as lost and confused as me but are such egotistical asses that they instead flaunt about as if they are some pretty peacock we should fall down and worship.

I am repulsed by ego, by self righteous flaunting about, as if it some kind of a right. You know what, I annoy myself for the exact same reasons! It is annoying to be the ultimate example of what you resent and hate most in life! I am more immature and more imbecilic then any of the people I rant about.

I am more angry, more immature, more easily agitated, less able to mask my pain, less caring, more apt to get hurt, more open to being misled, more quick to trust the worse possible people, more quick to want to slam my head against the wall, quite likely to shove my head into a pillow to scream profanity, unable to trust people, unable to want and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, despising the term love and everything connected with it, I am barely able to suppress my mad laughing whenever I hear anyone make the rashly stupid statement that I live with my 'family', I hate those different from me, I have problems with accepting differences in myself, I am vastly insecure, I hate that clothing store and wish God would burn the place down, I am tired, I am sick, I still deal with depression, I hate being in the same room with 'family', I hate hearing their sounds, their presence, hearing them call my name, feeling like I am nothing more then a burden that would better off never having been born, I hate the fact I do not know how to love these people, I hate feeling so isolated from the world, I hate being so immature, so quick to judge, I hate how I forget that other people exist outside of me, I am sick to death of feeling feelings and desires that make absolutely no sense, I hate wanting to cry every time I hear some kind of reference to 'dad' or 'father', I hate how I ramble on like this, I hate using the word 'I' so much in every little thing I write, It is quite disgusting to me that I can't put others before me, I desire to love but I never follow through, I am tired of being in a band that can never do anything, I am sick of not being able to play bass like I know I can, I hate my sub par writing skills that do nothing but attempt to duplicate something I have recently read, I hate how all I seem to do is complain, I hate being under this black veil of pain and death all the time, I despise the fact that I have to mask myself in lies and fake smiles just so I can make it through the day and not feel like I am a burden, I do not like being insincere, I hate lying through my teeth just so I can make it through certain times, I hate sexuality, I really do not like having to deal with the repercussions of someone else making the bright decision that me being born would be a 'good' idea, I hate how this may actually be read by someone and the fact they are not going to be able to understand me more then a few unknowable conclusions really annoys me and makes me wish it were possible to better pour my soul out...not because I understand why I have to do this, why I desire to speak my mind and my soul and my being but because I have the desperate desire to express myself and have other people judge and criticize it...it is like some kind of sadistic masochistic and philosophical explosion of self pity and arrogance...pretension maybe?

Tonight was odd because I felt closer to God then I have in the longest time. The message itself was convicting in the sense of a reminder that I have a responsibility for not just myself but for how others are treated. Being touched by the Father is in no way just a private event, it is like we are swept up and loved so that we can love others and help them to feel and see the love of Father.

I can talk about love, charity, purity of heart, sacrifice of the will, giving up oneself to the ever encompassing love of the Father...but none of it means anything unless there is a sacrifice...a trading of our selfish and worthless pride for love.

I am so absolutely sick to death of myself. My pride, my desire, my lusts, my hates, my problems, my depression, my tears, my hatred, my addictions and my self absorbed pompous asinine ways. But I have not been forgotten. I spit and rant, beginning every sentence about me...every punctuation about me.

But still I am loved. Nothing I have ever done, nothing I could do would ever make me worthy. Finding me in the worse possible way Christ reached down and wrapped his arms around me. Stepping down into the mud, the mire, the slime of this world he took on my pain as I spat in his face. The beauty of the love is matched only by the seemingly impossibility of it all.


"A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain

To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You"

-Blindside, "When I Remember"

Waiting in a parking lot is not so bad, especially when you are mooching off of peoples internet so that one is able to write, like this. However, I would like access to a bathroom, so that I suppose would be the downside, if there is one.

U2 3D = the awesomeness