Frustration

I am a stranger in a land that I do not understand.

I have wandered for these few years and have seen much, experienced so many things and have felt so little that I am at a loss for words.

I know you but I still do not think that I know you, for better or for worse. I see so little when all I have ever wanted was to feel you close and know you are near, to know that you are more real than I.

Is it to much to ask?

My question...

...is if these guys are actually serious?

http://www.godisimaginary.com

I have yet to have read all of the 'proofs' but clearly a freshman level Philosophy major would have a field day ripping this stuff apart.

However it would be nice to actually see a clinching 'proof' one of these days.

So Very Sick

Pain, lots of freaking stomach pain. Need rest, need relief. God please help me.

personality test

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

results:

http://www.personalitypage.com/

Donald Miller speaking on Hope

http://api.monkcms.com/Clients/download.php?sid=7&url=http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/ekkmedia/our-hope-in-the-eternal-glory-of-god.mp3&mediaBID=68648



I am not one who normally listens to sermons outside of church but this short bit illustrates why Donald Miller is one of my favorite writers and a strong influence on my ideas and thoughts of Christianity.

Thought of the day:

You know you have family issues when you look in the mirror and feel like you are in a Wes Anderson movie, much less look the part.

Pointless Post

I could speak it softly, yell it from the rooftops, scream it from my lungs...yet bottom line you never will hear it...it never will matter to you and regardless of what I think, feel, desire, want or crave...it is meaningless and pointless.

I believe in God but I also believe in chemicals and electrical pulses. Those last two things mean so much of life is preordained insanity and it hurts deeply. The insanity itself doesn't hurt, it just hurts knowing that the feelings I experience cannot be properly shared by one whom I would like to share it with.

Ergo, this is all rendered meaningless. Writing about something that is pointless and has no existence beyond my mind and whatever words I choose to waste on here.

Bravo Matthew, bravo.

It's Nice Being Able to Write What I Want

Few people read this, so I don't make profit off of the ads but I am able to express myself fully about my thoughts concerning this huge wrecked up ball of confusion and pain that life is.

I hate sexuality, I hate migraines and I most certainly hate people that insist on acting immature...yes I am at the top of that list.

Bah, I'll just go to sleep already.

Stupid Mornings

I really dislike pills. The medicine helps me to sleep but at what feels like the cost of my ability to function properly. I'm not even sure why I want to function properly when it seems the best course of action is to lay down in the floor until something happens.

On the plus side I think I'm cleaning my room (assuming this isn't just an incredibly dull dream reminiscent of the monotony of daily life) and that is something I can accomplish. I may be a complete failure in almost every other sense of the world but by golly I will be a clean failure if nothing else!

What makes the morning stupid? Memories of yesterday for sure. Memories of a lot of things actually, yeah...I could use a complete memory wipe at this point, that woudl make things better.

Things needing to be practical really really makes things a bit more difficult, akin to being shot in the foot while simultaneously being set on fire while realizing my socks are completely wet and are somehow fire retardant. Being burned, shot all while enduring wet socks, things can't get worse then that, right? Right?!?

There are plus sides, just like there are many chances for life in general but at the end of the day it is hard for me to try any of it. Personal motivation keeps fluctuating between negative levels and he slight problem of not existing at all. You do the math, I suck at it.

Anyway, I guess I will clean more before I have an existential crisis concerning the rights of dust to live in its own free world.

Day by Day

It feels like time is becoming muddled into this single unbreakable blob that I cannot begin to understand. It is hard for me to break lines apart and see truth for what it is, or really see anything for what it is.

These writings act as some kind of anchor and a reminder that I am not living some profane version of the movie Groundhog Day.

There is a real aspect to life, there is a reality, there is this confusion, there is anger, there is pain, there is sadness, there are happy thoughts too. Amalgamation upon confused mixtures of bitter words of varying shades of intellect.

It does not compute, it does not make sense, it is a struggle to press on, I do not want a game, I did not ask for this, no one ever gave me the option and here I am as I am and nothing more or less then what I was confused as being.

I am not a fan of my own thoughts most of the time. It feels like there are two people, one person who is speaking and giving all of these thoughts and there is the real me who is just here to act as a meat shield for all of the response.

Not an incredibly cherry world view I'll admit, but if something feels and seems like it might be true and the honest truth it may be true.

How much of negative is a choice? Is it purely perception or is there a real element of fatalism involved?

Thinking you are hearing voices is not fun. Obvious, yet a very true statement all the same.

I feel like I'm going to be seriously ill.

I wish I could understand something which I do not understand. That is really all that I ask.

No Words Free

There are no words free that i may use to describe everythign you are, all that you are and all that you will be.

Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.

Your name unspeakable, your my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.

In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.

Useless Repeating Words

Something I will never understand is why people insist on saying the same thing again and again without giving an actual reason for why they insist on telling me the exact same thing again and again.

To add further insult, certain looks are used in conjunction with the same words and it becomes, to me at least, a rather insulting reminder as to why I despise the company of certain people.

Are some people so hopelessly broken that all they can do is recite the same lines again and again? Is it supposed to a form of torture? A test to see how long I can go before I just shoot myself so I will not have to deal with hearing the same words again and again?

The term family is nothing but a joke to me. I betray my sense of arrogance when I say that it feels like I am more mature then those I am around. It may be the fact I am who I am but if someone is doing what I feel to be irrational I would like to talk to them and see why they are doing this. Repeating the same phrases again and again is not really a viable solution, of course this is coming from my vastly inferior mind and what is ultimately nothing more then a merely humble opinion.

At the end of the day big words, irritating repetition, nor loud angry words get you respect or your idea conveyed. It acts as a reminder as to why I have a severe dislike for a shockingly high number of people. Respect is not automatically given, it has to be earned, especially when one insists on being such a pompous ass for the majority of my life.

Thought of the Day

As much as I enjoy writing such eloquent pieces of self-focused rubbish, there comes a point where one becomes so disgusted and so sick of self.

Who I am.
What I am.
Why I am.

A threefold damnable truth intermingled with its own self deniable lies.

I feel like I am going to break if thigns continue on the way they are.

Self absorbed.
Self ordained.
Self proclaimed.

It feels like my once sacred outlet of writing has become infected by this disease, this filth that is created. The nobility, the worth, the purpose, the being all becomes intermingled and intermixed with concepts that contradict their own being.

I am sick of traditional wisdom. I do not care about what you deem to be the absolute and undying truth, your speeches about the good things in life...keep your money and go die with it, along with your health cares and bastardized versions of Christ and the church. Since you want your damn religion so much, by all means take the trash and go die along with it.

Cell Phones...

...should die. Plain and simple.

Muck of the World

There is so much, so little real, so few things worth the bother.

Thankfully however, the things worth the bother are actually worth something. Doesn't change my apathy towards the more frivolous and stupid things in this life but it does mean I want to live.

Nightmares of Marriage

Last night I had an odd experience because for the first time I had a continuous nightmare and it was the subject of marriage of all things. I wake up anywhere from 3-5 times a night and like normal I woke up, however every time I went back to sleep it was the same horrible nightmare continuing on.

In the nightmare I was engaged to some annoying tart I had known only for a few weeks and my heavens...I do not understand how I could date someone that annoying or even considered marrying them. It wasn't that she was needy (who isn't?) but we are talking MTV reality television reject needy.

I have a somewhat high view of love and marriage and I would rather be doused in gasoline and set on fire then marry someone outside of equal love and commitment. My big problem with people like that is their love is performance based (like certain family members I have dealt with). As long as you do exactly what they want and expect of you then everything is fine. However, Hell itself comes for a visit should you get any single thing wrong, much less commit the sin of thinking for yourself. Yeah...no way I am going to tolerate that because what I have dealt with has nearly driven me insane as is.



So...fictional nightmare finance whose name I never knew, go find someone else to pester because I do not need a floozy like you bothering my dreams anymore!

Migrane

Sleep is hard because of the pain. The non stop pounding of pressure combined with the stress of life and incomprehensible chemicals raging through my body have all equaled out to this pain that will not cease and feels as if my mind will simply explode.

No Rest for the Weary

I honestly am so sick of these feelings. I HATE having desires that have no hope of being satisfied or having a peaceful resolution. How arrogant is it that I want to take a more then slight angry stance against my creator because I never asked for this? I know I 'should' be humble like the rest of associates and suck up to Jesus but I am either to tired, to irreverent or spread so thin that I do not care about paying false lip service anymore.

The idea, the thought, the feeling, the desire, the discussion, the existence, the reality...I think you get the point...of sex, sexuality and everything related to that is currently in the process of driving me past my current state of Madness and into the realm of Vehemently Angry With a Strong Disposition to Express myself.

I know it is near pointless to say this but life does not feel fair because we are not allowed to choose to live and further still we are not allowed to exempt on the maddening confusion of sexuality.

I do not care right now that sexuality in and of itself is a good thing, I however do care greatly that the desires and feeling attached to it are in the process of making me miserable and angry. How did this even seem like a good idea before the fall happened?

Our natures are quick to err and so often life does not make much sense, so often we hurt each other and do not care. Human beings are physical/sexuality mixed with spirit/mind, that is why things are so odd. This unique blend of amphibian likeness is what differentiates us from everything.

Realizing and feeling I am right does nothing to alleviate the frustrations I feel, the desires that never leave me alone and the overwhelming urge to jump up and down while screaming at the heavens.

Acthung Baby!

It has been nice not having written real posts about Christmas or New Years, for the sake of the world I decided it was best to leave the self loathing and deep reflection for others more qualified for the job.

That being said, I will now indulge into a musical rant that may or may not end up digressing into a rant on third world poverty, existentialism or the fact I am rather hungry:

So I woke up a half hour ago and turned my laptop on and by chance winamp was playing through the album Acthung Baby by U2. For those who sift through my music collection it is not a shock to realize I happen to enjoy the band but there is just something that is absolutely amazing about this album.

There are so many factors as to why I enjoy U2 so much...emotion, honesty, irony, complexity, atmospheric sound, relate ability among other things. But this one particular album goes well beyond that.


From first glance (or listen rather) it seems like U2 had completely lost their mind between the years 1989 and 1991, long gone are the metaphorical references to the western United States, over references to Christianity and the in your face approach to political activities. Instead there is a dangerous album that seems overly simplified.

There is an emphasis on personal relationship in the lyrics and the music almost makes it feel like you have arrived at a party. It's not until you have heard the record for the dozenth or so time do things really sink in and one can get a sense as to how dark this album is.

Dark irony as it were, a dozen songs that taken as a whole begin the first part of a story of leaving behind the stories you were told as a kid and trying to find out what is true by experience. Which in and of itself is not the best way of discovering life but it is the path most choose because it is so hard to simply sit back in life when you can go yourself.

The thoughts I rationalize myself would most likely scare the vast majority of people away from me so I don't intend to sound judgmental in the least, so often i want to just leave everything behind and really go into the world. I know I don't exactly have to live wild and stupid to get the point that there are problems in this world and that eventually you have to stop seeing yourself as the center of the universe.

Bah.

I wanted to write about the album but there are so many strings and so many directions of thought associated with that album that it is almost impossible for me to keep a single thought in place long enough to write it down. Maybe I'll just have to come back and write about individual songs before I can write about the album as a whole.

My point is this:

Most people I meet either love or hate U2, I do not judge you for either of these actions but I would advocate finding this album and taking a long listen. I very well could have horrid musical tastes but that hasn't stopped me yet.

Lack of Understanding

Conversations with people that feel different on issues from me confuse me. As arrogant as I am I do know that what little I do know is quite small...however seeing the massive pain in peoples lives I cannot help but wonder if perhaps I did manage to awkwardly stumble into the best decision on my life.

Sexuality is completely overrated. Culture has no idea what it is talking about because anything that has to mask it's pain with addiction is so broken that it has forfeited it's privilege to speak on anything.

I do not wish to sound arrogant but I will never understand why MTV has much of a sway as it does, I've talked to people for whom it was the promise land...and that really makes me sad. Besides the fact I cannot recall the last time I saw a music video I just almost feel their attempts at being culturally relevant are both laughable and missing the mark completely. Then again this is television we're talking about, it is nothing more then a ratings game competing for more money, they don't give a damn if the advice they give out is good or bad, as long as they get a better percentage then they can be happy for what they have.



It kills me to see people I love as equally or more so miserable then I am. I have many reasons for my problems and I'm not saying people should never feel bad, it is just seeing someone I love suffer and slowly die because of bad decisions really rips me up.

It's not like I possess anything special, it just seems quite evident that playing with fire is going to leave you burned. Gambling your life away for something you don't even really want. It is a frustrating experience to think about how many of us know what we genuinely want or genuinely desire, who we are is not who we are meant to be or who we should be, we are far to easily pleased.

I really like how C.S. lewis put it when he mentioned that we do not have strong desires, in fact our desires are far to weak. Because of pleasure we set ourselves back and damn ourselves to misery because we will not allow ourselves to see who we really are for fear of wanting to change.

Few human beings ever hit the mark of genuinely evil but we enjoy throwing around words like evil, sin, Hell and the like because if we can mock it then we do not have to take it seriously. I enjoy making fun of Satan as much as the next guy but at what point does fiction end and truth begins? It is easy to throw around semantically pretense and just miss the issues of life altogether.

Call me one sided but I am either right or wrong. As much as I enjoy self loathing I believe it is as just as wrong as any other sin. Being wrapped up in yourself so much that you ignore life and those around you is a sin. Left to our own devises we turn something like depression into a sick pleasure that we have trouble parting from. Do I even need to point out the same with how utterly screwed up the notion of sex is?

Oh you...

If you just knew how powerful your words were. One small word would have me transversing the highest heavens and the deepest caverns to find you. I've walked through so many valleys and for some reason you have been there at the top of most of them, just giving a small smile and a word of encouragement.

Keep this up and you may just have won me over before you knew it...