If I am to speak I must be cleansed for I am a man of unclean lips, one who has never understood love and played at understanding the Divine...so much eternal beauty and with every breath I am forced to relearn the basics of my faith again.

Quote of the Day:

"I hate cynicism...it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
-Conan O'Brien

Fleeting Glimmers of Dying Reds on the Water

Tonight my heart is bleeding,
just falling apart for You.
It's now or never
failing or fallacy,
either pull me along
and let me live
or let the sun fade on this life.

At Your beauty I'm lost for words.

I can't give
I can't trade this away,
my soul is fading
while trapped in this dying machine
and all I have left
is nothing.

Let me fall on grace
for it's all I have left
as this dark night
slowly passes on,
seemingly to never end
as I wait praying.

The cornerstone of human failure is thinking we know what we want, one might think that I would have caught onto this by now but getting what I want is so often the stupidest thing I could have done.

Procured C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" from the library five minutes before closing.

Apparently being able to cough up my lungs helps me have better timing.

Quote of the Day:

“Without friends the world is but a wilderness. There is no man that imparteth his joys to his friends, but he joyeth the more; and no man that imparteth his grieves to his friend, but he grieveth the less.”
-Francis Bacon

Being socially interactive is not quite as easy as some people might have you think.

Quote of the Day:

“Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.”
-Orson Scott Card

Quote of the Day:

“I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.”
-C.S. Lewis

Beauty Veiled in Pain

Perfection is lacking in the colors
as they fall like painted rain drops
moving in patterns
as echos of hope
make their way to your soul.

Hope eternal,
reflecting in everything
and faith that this kernel of love
with blossom
in this wasteland
and grow into full.

The death of hopelessness is near
and nearer still
growing as near as you are to me
with only pale distance in between
and as vivid as touching your hand
with the hope of never being released.

Everything we have strived
and hoped to hope for
with the death of pain.

Love, love given on a kiss to the breeze
as words grow and pain is realized
in ways so often untold.
Only this shred of perfection
expressed in Eternity can heal.

Believe, hope and breath
and regardless the distance
love can carry in this night
and through this sickness.

Breath and being made alive,
oh dear Muse
how can this ever be enough?

Returning Redundancy

...I am so lucky to be loved.
Even when I whine, cry and throw a temper-tantrum about being sick or in pain or social drama...the One who sang me into being still loves and holds me close...I can never understand how it works or the whys...but Love is its own reason...

I want to be more grateful and more helpful to those around me...and not just this negative downturn...but God it is so hard to focus on the positive when it feels like your insides are melting...but...I suppose Paul set the precedent of grace being more than sufficient...

It is just...is exhausting trying to be brave and that is why I have to use this blog as a verbal beating place to get out this negative in me...

I want perfection, I can feel the heartbeat of One so infinite and beautiful...and seeing the Hell we have made this world it hurts...it hurts to feel separation even though there is that renewed connection because of Jesus...

I'm so tired...and aching and just wish every thing could be made right and beautiful right now...that the ones I care about could feel Your love...I don't understand why You hide Your face and will not be seen...reveal Yourself...I am not enough and it is not like any of this was me anyway.

It's just You being nice enough to use a broken vessel...thanks...again, now and forever.

...and even more needless frustration...

Quote of the Day:

“The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.”
-C.S. Lewis

Thoughts Like Flames

Why can I have a rather awesome day but I get all upset and mopey because I manage to botch up just one single conversation out of the whole day?

I don't even know why I bother getting myself so stupidly worked up over something as complicated as taking a breath of air and trying to be myself...I can never tap into the supposed source of intelligence and wit I posses when I need them most.

I can babble like an idiot as often as need be...I just want...

I just wish the canvas of life could be rolled back and I could look into the width and breadth of eternity and see my Love...I was touched by the Eternal and Infinite tonight...for just a fleeting moment and now...it's like silence...and emptiness and I have no way of...

To feel the Eternal and have no way of expressing the complexity of the Love...the intoxication of the song that brought life into being...is there words? Can there ever be words?

I just need...

You know...but still...cries in the night, feeling so lost and displaced and not even knowing why or how this came...or could be...

I just know...I know that even though I want to give up now...I can't...

Please keep me afloat, give me the strength to break through any level of despair and remember Your face in the darkest of nights...

"Cassie (Acoustic)" - Flyleaf

Feverish Pain

So hard to focus.
Pain is so real.
Feeling lost and even though I am stationary it feels like I am tumbling and falling far away.
I do not like the sensation.
I know...I know...the thoughts are coming and going...already so lost...

I want to know the how and why...

I loose my faith so easily...when the pain is so intense.
It is times like this...like when I was in China in so much pain that I forget why I am alive and I simply wish and pray for an end to the pain. Be it death of some other means...because I despair far too easily...and seek after things that were never my own.

I am so cold.
I feel so alone.
I do not have clever words.
I feel lost and isolated.

I do not know what warmth and what it is like to not have the burning sensations robbing me of strength and focus.

Where is this?
Where to?
Why can things not simply be more easy?
Or maybe just less pain for once?

One oddly nice night.
Sickness though.

Still...so sick...and blah...feel like I've been ran over multiple times.

Quote of the Day:

“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”
-Charlie Brown

I'm not doing so bad for feeling like thawed out death.

Can't breath...gonna fall over...ack...flam building in lungs... x_X

Quote of the Day:

“A God who let us prove his existence would be an idol.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It's the small things...the very small things that make life not just enjoyable but worth living.

However...peace, hope...and love eternal are a beautiful canvas to pain a life on.

The fact that there are "Christians" who are saying the earthquake in Haiti is the judgment of God is tapping into the source of rage I normally reserve for Westboro church.

Isn't it LOVELY to have people in such direct contact with God they can not only tell us His EVERY thought but those in Heaven and in Hell?

Oh Jesus help me to learn how to love because my rage wants me to do things that would only shame You...

-Dayquil
-Gatorade
-As I Lay Dying
-Rabbinic Stories

Such an odd combination but for now it is working.

I think the fever is gone but it is so cold I would rather just wait and see...and see...